Today has been a tough day for me and I'm feeling pretty down and in need of some hugs I guess. I've had my heart ripped in 2, chewed up, and spit out.
I posted a month or so ago about a relationship I had recently been in. It was with a guy I had known since we were in 4th grade (we're 44 now). I've never been married, but he is divorced. We 're-met' at a church luncheon and started dating and after just being together a couple of days, I knew he was the one that I wanted to spend my life with. He had become a Christian about 4 years ago and I had been out of the church for 12 years (I would go to fund raisers and once a year to the Christmas Eve service, and that was it). Anyway, he brought me back to Christ and made me realize that I had to be an active and vital member of the church and to read the Bible and attend Bible Study. He taught me the importance of repentance, and most importantly, he taught me how to forgive. He has literally, "shown me the light".
I had been celebate for 22 years, but, our feelings were strong and we were weak and we made love. After the heat of the moment, we got on our knees and asked the Lord for forgiveness. I was a fool, he had told me that he struggled with purity--that it was hard for a man who had been married for 14 years to go without that closeness. He confessed to me that he had been with several women since his divorce (his marriage broke up because of his wife's infidelity). He dumped me. He told me he could never remarry, that he would never date again. That he had no heart left to give and that he could not go through another divorce and survive.
It's been really hard for me. I have continued to go to church and I continued to see him at Bible Study until he stopped coming recently. I work with his mother, and of course, he looks like her, so I have to deal with this as well.
A couple of days ago though, something else happened. I went to a memorial service at the church and there he sat in the back of the church with a woman that I work with. As I passed by him, his 17 year old son said, "Hey Dad! There goes your girlfriend!" and then he laughed. I felt like I had been taunted. I took a seat in another part of the church and tried to not let it bother me. He did not leave with the woman I work with, so I assumed that they just happened to sit next to each other.
Well, when I got to work yesterday, one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that this woman was upstairs bragging about her boyfriend to anyone that would listen to her and made a point to tell my friend that it was my ex.
Not only do I have a knife in my back, but they have "turned the handle" as well. I've prayed and I've cryed and little else. I know I have to just let it go, but it is so hard. I love my job and the people I work with. Today, I spent time with his mother (which was actually very comforting) and I put on a happy face and even greeted the new girlfriend and was as gracious as I could possibly be. I cryed in the bathroom a few times, but held my head high and was cheerful.
I know that it was by God's grace that I got through today, and that he carried me. I know that today, there was just one set of footprints in the sand.
I'm so thankful that I can come here and share my pain among other Christians. It's obviously not something that I can talk to anyone about.
Blessings to you all for "listening" and giving me a shoulder to cry on.
---Learnin' (the hard way) to Forgive
I posted a month or so ago about a relationship I had recently been in. It was with a guy I had known since we were in 4th grade (we're 44 now). I've never been married, but he is divorced. We 're-met' at a church luncheon and started dating and after just being together a couple of days, I knew he was the one that I wanted to spend my life with. He had become a Christian about 4 years ago and I had been out of the church for 12 years (I would go to fund raisers and once a year to the Christmas Eve service, and that was it). Anyway, he brought me back to Christ and made me realize that I had to be an active and vital member of the church and to read the Bible and attend Bible Study. He taught me the importance of repentance, and most importantly, he taught me how to forgive. He has literally, "shown me the light".
I had been celebate for 22 years, but, our feelings were strong and we were weak and we made love. After the heat of the moment, we got on our knees and asked the Lord for forgiveness. I was a fool, he had told me that he struggled with purity--that it was hard for a man who had been married for 14 years to go without that closeness. He confessed to me that he had been with several women since his divorce (his marriage broke up because of his wife's infidelity). He dumped me. He told me he could never remarry, that he would never date again. That he had no heart left to give and that he could not go through another divorce and survive.
It's been really hard for me. I have continued to go to church and I continued to see him at Bible Study until he stopped coming recently. I work with his mother, and of course, he looks like her, so I have to deal with this as well.
A couple of days ago though, something else happened. I went to a memorial service at the church and there he sat in the back of the church with a woman that I work with. As I passed by him, his 17 year old son said, "Hey Dad! There goes your girlfriend!" and then he laughed. I felt like I had been taunted. I took a seat in another part of the church and tried to not let it bother me. He did not leave with the woman I work with, so I assumed that they just happened to sit next to each other.
Well, when I got to work yesterday, one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that this woman was upstairs bragging about her boyfriend to anyone that would listen to her and made a point to tell my friend that it was my ex.
Not only do I have a knife in my back, but they have "turned the handle" as well. I've prayed and I've cryed and little else. I know I have to just let it go, but it is so hard. I love my job and the people I work with. Today, I spent time with his mother (which was actually very comforting) and I put on a happy face and even greeted the new girlfriend and was as gracious as I could possibly be. I cryed in the bathroom a few times, but held my head high and was cheerful.
I know that it was by God's grace that I got through today, and that he carried me. I know that today, there was just one set of footprints in the sand.
I'm so thankful that I can come here and share my pain among other Christians. It's obviously not something that I can talk to anyone about.
Blessings to you all for "listening" and giving me a shoulder to cry on.
---Learnin' (the hard way) to Forgive
