Today is a year...:'(

oneandlonely · Dec 12, 2005

Today is a year since my first cut...

I feel really really bad right now

I don't know why I am posting this... I just...

I don't know. Part of me just wants someone to understand how hard today is for me. I told myself a year ago that it wouldn't go on more than a few months, that I could control it. I remember painicking after that first cut. I remember sitting there thinking "what did you just do *****! What the hell did you just do?! Never do that again!."

Now here I am a year later... doing worse than ever... cutting deeper.

I just don't know anymore. I feel so hopeless to stopping...

Gosh I need a hug

IKTCA · Dec 12, 2005

If my online hug will make you feel better, I will hug thousand times.

Rupert

oneandlonely · Dec 13, 2005

IKTCA said:
If my online hug will make you feel better, I will hug thousand times.

Rupert

Thanks Rupert. *hugs*

Yesterday I did some thinking.
Do I really want to be here a year from now? one year is hard enough, but do I want to be doing this for two years? I don't know that I do. But I just don't know how to stop either. Right now I need it to cope. I am scared to go without it.

My mom has mentioned counseling, so has my youth pastor. Maybe that will help. Maybe if I can deal with the deeper issues. My need to S.I. will go away. I hope so, but at the same time I don't know that I want to quit yet.

This is so confusing.

Bethany

Hidden face_Hurting heart · Dec 13, 2005

Ten billion 's! I think I know how you feel...it's really close to being a year since I started too. Sometimes I look back on it and just wonder....why? But then I do it again and I remember why. I hate it, but somehow it seems like I need it- seems like it helps at the time. I know it doesn't, but there you have it- the dilemma of every SIer I guess. Well, I love you, I'm here for you, and I'm praying for ya!

-Hannah

jesuschickseven · Dec 13, 2005

I know how you feel and how hard it is. I remember when I was 13 one of my friends began hurting herself in some pretty disturbing ways. I always thought she was weak and I stopped hanging around her. She tried to commit suicide and was sent to live with her dad far far away. I haven't seen her since but I have never forgotten her.

When I turned 16 my life drastically changed. My Grandmother's cancer came back and my mother became and alcoholic. My parents were looking into divorce. I remeber this burning feeling in my chest that began to build through all the stress and I thought I was going to explode.

One day my mom and me got in a bad fight and I went into my room in a rage. I had so much anger and I had no outlet. That was the night I cut myself for the first time, (several times in fact).

I remeber being in the bathroom of the hospital where we were visiting my grandmother two days later and looking at my injuries shocked. I never thought I could or would do something like this.

It has been about two years since I started cutting. My family never found out and I never sought help from anyone on this earth. But I did turn it over to God everytime I was getting ready to hurt myself I would pray and tell myself I had to pray for at least twenty seconds before I tried to hurt myself. It began to work. Prayer gave me strength and by the end of the twenty seconds I would pray for twenty more and some more. Eventually I would be past the desire to hurt myself and feel a lot calmer.

It has taken a long time and a lot of prayer, but God has gotten me through. It has been 4 months since the last time I felt the need to hurt myself, and although I still have moments where I am weak, I no longer feel those desperate feelings and I am learning to love and take care of my body.

The main reason I don't want to hurt myself anymore is because I know that my body isn't a "punching bag" to take anger out on. It is God's temple. I wouldn't burn down a church when I feel bad, so I can't hurt myself either. It took a long time for me to understand and appreciate this concept but God is slowly helping me see myself the way he does.

I know the one thing you need most right now are people who love you. Lean on your family and friends and church. I didn't have those when I needed them and I wish I had. Appreciate the people in your life and cherish them. I know they cherish you.

I don't know you or the details of your life, but I'll be praying for you. I love you and I hope you can find the courage to turn this over to God because he loves you more than anyone and would die on the cross all over again to take away this desire. Don't give up hope, he has way too many plans for you to let this take control of your life.

oneandlonely · Dec 15, 2005

Hidden face_Hurting heart said:
Ten billion 's! I think I know how you feel...it's really close to being a year since I started too. Sometimes I look back on it and just wonder....why? But then I do it again and I remember why. I hate it, but somehow it seems like I need it- seems like it helps at the time. I know it doesn't, but there you have it- the dilemma of every SIer I guess. Well, I love you, I'm here for you, and I'm praying for ya!

-Hannah

Thanks sis. I feel the same way, part of me hates it. But at the same time I love it. Its confussing.

I love you too sis. You know I am here for you too.

oneandlonely · Dec 15, 2005

jesuschickseven said:
I know how you feel and how hard it is. I remember when I was 13 one of my friends began hurting herself in some pretty disturbing ways. I always thought she was weak and I stopped hanging around her. She tried to commit suicide and was sent to live with her dad far far away. I haven't seen her since but I have never forgotten her.

When I turned 16 my life drastically changed. My Grandmother's cancer came back and my mother became and alcoholic. My parents were looking into divorce. I remeber this burning feeling in my chest that began to build through all the stress and I thought I was going to explode.

One day my mom and me got in a bad fight and I went into my room in a rage. I had so much anger and I had no outlet. That was the night I cut myself for the first time, (several times in fact).

I remeber being in the bathroom of the hospital where we were visiting my grandmother two days later and looking at my injuries shocked. I never thought I could or would do something like this.

It has been about two years since I started cutting. My family never found out and I never sought help from anyone on this earth. But I did turn it over to God everytime I was getting ready to hurt myself I would pray and tell myself I had to pray for at least twenty seconds before I tried to hurt myself. It began to work. Prayer gave me strength and by the end of the twenty seconds I would pray for twenty more and some more. Eventually I would be past the desire to hurt myself and feel a lot calmer.

It has taken a long time and a lot of prayer, but God has gotten me through. It has been 4 months since the last time I felt the need to hurt myself, and although I still have moments where I am weak, I no longer feel those desperate feelings and I am learning to love and take care of my body.

The main reason I don't want to hurt myself anymore is because I know that my body isn't a "punching bag" to take anger out on. It is God's temple. I wouldn't burn down a church when I feel bad, so I can't hurt myself either. It took a long time for me to understand and appreciate this concept but God is slowly helping me see myself the way he does.

I know the one thing you need most right now are people who love you. Lean on your family and friends and church. I didn't have those when I needed them and I wish I had. Appreciate the people in your life and cherish them. I know they cherish you.

I don't know you or the details of your life, but I'll be praying for you. I love you and I hope you can find the courage to turn this over to God because he loves you more than anyone and would die on the cross all over again to take away this desire. Don't give up hope, he has way too many plans for you to let this take control of your life.

Wow, thanks for sharing that.

i don't really cut from anger tho. I usally cut when i am really down.

I really feel bad bugging people with my crap. they have anough crap of there own to deal with.

Thanks for the prayers a support tho sorry I don't really know what to say. lol. I am to sleepy right now

craz · Dec 15, 2005

Wow, thanks for sharing that.

i don't really cut from anger tho. I usally cut when i am really down.

I really feel bad bugging people with my crap. they have anough crap of there own to deal with.

Thanks for the prayers a support tho sorry I don't really know what to say. lol. I am to sleepy right now

Its alright, you aren't bugging people...one of our youth pastor's talked to our youth about how its not right for us to pray
'Lord, give us the strength to stop cutting/look at pornography/resist these drugs'.
We ALONE cannot get over these hurdles...we need god to help us or these hurdles will become larger untill they're no longer passable. He told us to pray
'God, please be with me and take away these urges/desires'
You need prayer. And people are praying for you here...I too will be praying for you because I know how hard this will be for you...

stay strong!
Adam

[feel free to pm me whenever or talk to me on MSN...there are people will help you]

FireOfGod · Dec 15, 2005

The whole answer to this cutting thing is getting rid of the problem that is causing it, then to replace the cutting with something else. You get rid of it by laying it at the feet of Jesus. Then you replace it by doing something else. The best thing you could do to replace it would be to worship. Go get someone healed, delivered, saved. Get your mind off of you, and on God and what He can do.

The whole reason people cut is because they *think* something is wrong or they feel bad about *them*. I'm not saying this like all of you are self-centered. It's just that you are your own worst enemy. Once you stop focussing on the enemy, and start focussing on God, it'll all seem like it's gone. And it will be!

I know this is a hard time for you, but it doesn't have to go on! That's the good news! Surprise! Happy Christmas! All that good stuff.

Let me know if you need anything.

Be blessed!

EbonNelumbo · Dec 15, 2005

0-0 (Makeshift infinite sign...) for hugs.

nessa · Dec 16, 2005

i wish i could say it was only a year...it has been almost 4 years since i started...i started my freshman year of high school, and i graduated in May of 2005...so almost 4 years. Whenever i think about, it just depresses me more knowing that wasn't able to stop. But then again i know that i have support from every direction, though it is hard to accept.

As long as you ask for help, that is a sign that you are trying to stop, no matter HOW hard it is.

Mayflower1 · Dec 16, 2005

oneandlonely said:
Today is a year since my first cut...

I feel really really bad right now

I don't know why I am posting this... I just...

I don't know. Part of me just wants someone to understand how hard today is for me. I told myself a year ago that it wouldn't go on more than a few months, that I could control it. I remember painicking after that first cut. I remember sitting there thinking "what did you just do *****! What the hell did you just do?! Never do that again!."

Now here I am a year later... doing worse than ever... cutting deeper.

I just don't know anymore. I feel so hopeless to stopping...

Gosh I need a hug

Hugs and kisses my friend! I am here for you! Just don't give up, for by God you can get through this! It hurts I know... We need to have faith and strength though. I don't know much to tell you except that I WILL pray for you and I am here if you ever want to talk about it. Is there anything bothering you? I am here for you no matter what. I am getting through this too so you are NOT ALONE! Merry Christmas my friend. Lily00

oneandlonely · Dec 19, 2005

thanks everyone.

I am doing about the same. . I don't know. I haven't cut since last friday, but it just is so hard not to right now.

please keep praying for me

Mayflower1 · Dec 20, 2005

oneandlonely said:
thanks everyone.

I am doing about the same. . I don't know. I haven't cut since last friday, but it just is so hard not to right now.

please keep praying for me

Merry Christmas friend! Don't give up! I am praying for you and God loves you bunches! Best Wishes. Lily00

eccl12.13 · Dec 22, 2005

oneandlonely,
i know just what you're feeling ... the urge to stop, the urge to keep going. i was in si for eight years and i can't even count the times i tried to stop. so i can totally relate to what you are feeling.
the only thing i can tell you is that you need deliverance. you don't need more will to stop or a stronger urge to find a way out. you need the lord jesus christ to deliver you. you can't stop on your own. even with the strongest will power in the world. there are issues in your life that have left you down, hurt, angry, bitter, etc. because of your psychological make-up, si is the way you vent about those circumstances in your life.
first what you need to do is sit down and think about every single thing in your life that upsets you. make a list if you have to. then go back down the list and face each problem head on .... talk to the lord about each thing. try to see what it is that has hurt you and then ask the lord to help you forgive that person, love that person who is hurting you, etc. this is called facing your problems and it will help you.
with me i had a lot of emotion stached away. i didn't want to even think of the probs in my life, much less deal with them. but then someone the lord brought into my life told me that facing my probs was the only way i was going to overcome them. and it's been so true. and once i have faced and overcome my problems, the need for si has disappeared.
sometimes i am tempted to do si again, but the addiction is not there any longer. and the addiction is what drives you. but like i said, it wasn't until i faced my probs and the lord delivered me from si that i was released. is any of this making sense? i hope so but if not, let me know. i'll try to help you further.
remember: god can't deliver you when you are feeding the addiction with wrong responses to life's challenges. notice that it wasn't until my attitudes changed (once i started facing my probs) that the lord could deliver me. keep that in mind. i'll be praying for you!

eccl12.13 · Dec 22, 2005

oneandlonely,

i know just what you are feeling. i was in si for eight years and the urge to stop and the urge to keep going are vivid reminders of the trap i was once caught in. i wanted to write and tell you that there is hope, though. i know how frustrating it can be to be where you are at. But i also know that the lord wishes to free you from this bondage.

my first suggestion, based on what helped me the most, is making a list of the problems and struggles you are facing in your life. list even the tiny things. now sit down and face each one. by "face" i mean think about how it has effected you (has it made you angry? why? has it hurt you in any way? how? why? has it made you bitter toward a person or circumstance or God? why?, etc.) and then pray and talk through each one with the lord. ask him to help you work through each issue and for the strength to keep going when you are tired and worn out.

for me, facing these problems in my life was really hard. it hurt a lot to dig up old feelings and emotions that i had burried a long time ago and not paid attention to for so long. but forcing myself to face each one helped sooooo much. i can't overemphesize the importance of facing your problems.

see .... the reason you have to face your problems before getting help from the lord for your si is this: because of your psychological make up, si is the way you vent the frustration, hurt, anger, bitterness, etc. you have toward the problems in your life. If you can deal with the problems and get passed the root issues (the hurt, etc.) the lord can deal specifically with the si.

please contact me directly if you would like. but whatever you do, please know that your problem with si is not unique and there is help for you. i know what is it like to be in the trap of si and i feel so much for you in your desire to get out. i will be praying for you!

Today is a year...:'(

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