Hello everyone. It's very rare that I ever open up about really super personal things online, but today I'm feeling so broken and torn I don't know what to do.
My life has been a series of disappointment, heartache, and trouble. I have attempted suicide twice and self-mutilated from the time I was 14 up until a little over a month ago. For awhile I flaunted my sexuality. I would go to bed with any man who took me out for drinks and called me beautiful. I converted to Neo-Paganism when I was 22 after I had been raped, divorced from my one "true love", and molested in the church. I prayed so many nights for God to help ease the pain, to help make it all go away, get better. It never happened and that's when I lost my faith. I felt I was praying to my ceiling.
Last winter I did clean up my act and lived the straight and narrow. I met a very nice Christian man who shamelessly broke my heart. I decided right then and there that if Christian men were no better than non-christian men then why bother? I went back to living a faithless life and allowed a guy to move in with me. We partied in excess and I found myself slowly slipping away. After he and I split up, someone very special to me walked back into my life. A guy I had grown up with in the same neighborhood. We "dated" in junior high. He had been in the NAVY and we hadn't seen much of one another. He came back into my life and told me how the only thought that gave him hope and comfort while in the NAVY was the thought of me. He told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I believed him. A month into it he ditched me, citing his own personal problems as if he were trying to protect me from it all. That week I self-inflicted second degree burns to my entire left forearm. It took weeks to heal and I now have an enormous scar. A permanent reminder of the pain I allowed him to cause me. My love for him consumed me and when he left I was devestated.
Then I met someone else and he and I dated for the last few weeks. Last night I receive an offline PM from him saying we needed to talk about "us". I thought we were going to meet in person, but instead he gets online later and says "I can't be with you" and proceeds to tell me that I'm ugly, superficial, a b**ch, materialistic, heartless, and selfish. He tells me he doesn't even want to be friends with me because he doesn't associate with people like me. He also informed me that he made a mistake breaking up with his last girlfriend and they were getting back together because I am nothing compared to her. At least she has the ability to love and car about a man. He said I will die lonely because I don't know how to love. I was hurt and shocked by all of this. I thought we were having a wonderful time together. I asked him what prompted this and he said it was because Saturday morning around 6am he was hungover and throwing up in my bathroom and I didn't care. I'm thinking, "you're kidding me....right?". Really I think that's an excuse. The ex came back into the picture and he didn't have the guts to tell me to my face and then he had to make sure he made me so angry I would want nothing to do with him because the girlfriend sure as heck wouldn't allow him to be friends with me. This always happens to me. I really don't think I'm a bad person.
But I am a very sad person. I pretend like everything is alright when really I'm dying inside. I act like I have no desire to pick up that razor blade and cut my arms all up because I'm afraid of hurting and disappointing those who love me and are so happy I've stopped self-harming. I have somewhat liberal viewpoints and some Christians have told me unless I change them I will never experience true salvation. Honestly, that is why I fear Christianity. I am terrified of becoming like some of the Christians I've known. The uptight, self-righteous ones who have more skeletons in their closet than anyone I've ever known. I don't want to become a "fundie" (please don't be offended, I'm using the term to identify the hard-core conservatives). I still want to be fun and open-minded. Not critical and stuffy.
Sorry folks. I'm just ranting. I feel so lost.
My life has been a series of disappointment, heartache, and trouble. I have attempted suicide twice and self-mutilated from the time I was 14 up until a little over a month ago. For awhile I flaunted my sexuality. I would go to bed with any man who took me out for drinks and called me beautiful. I converted to Neo-Paganism when I was 22 after I had been raped, divorced from my one "true love", and molested in the church. I prayed so many nights for God to help ease the pain, to help make it all go away, get better. It never happened and that's when I lost my faith. I felt I was praying to my ceiling.
Last winter I did clean up my act and lived the straight and narrow. I met a very nice Christian man who shamelessly broke my heart. I decided right then and there that if Christian men were no better than non-christian men then why bother? I went back to living a faithless life and allowed a guy to move in with me. We partied in excess and I found myself slowly slipping away. After he and I split up, someone very special to me walked back into my life. A guy I had grown up with in the same neighborhood. We "dated" in junior high. He had been in the NAVY and we hadn't seen much of one another. He came back into my life and told me how the only thought that gave him hope and comfort while in the NAVY was the thought of me. He told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I believed him. A month into it he ditched me, citing his own personal problems as if he were trying to protect me from it all. That week I self-inflicted second degree burns to my entire left forearm. It took weeks to heal and I now have an enormous scar. A permanent reminder of the pain I allowed him to cause me. My love for him consumed me and when he left I was devestated.
Then I met someone else and he and I dated for the last few weeks. Last night I receive an offline PM from him saying we needed to talk about "us". I thought we were going to meet in person, but instead he gets online later and says "I can't be with you" and proceeds to tell me that I'm ugly, superficial, a b**ch, materialistic, heartless, and selfish. He tells me he doesn't even want to be friends with me because he doesn't associate with people like me. He also informed me that he made a mistake breaking up with his last girlfriend and they were getting back together because I am nothing compared to her. At least she has the ability to love and car about a man. He said I will die lonely because I don't know how to love. I was hurt and shocked by all of this. I thought we were having a wonderful time together. I asked him what prompted this and he said it was because Saturday morning around 6am he was hungover and throwing up in my bathroom and I didn't care. I'm thinking, "you're kidding me....right?". Really I think that's an excuse. The ex came back into the picture and he didn't have the guts to tell me to my face and then he had to make sure he made me so angry I would want nothing to do with him because the girlfriend sure as heck wouldn't allow him to be friends with me. This always happens to me. I really don't think I'm a bad person.
But I am a very sad person. I pretend like everything is alright when really I'm dying inside. I act like I have no desire to pick up that razor blade and cut my arms all up because I'm afraid of hurting and disappointing those who love me and are so happy I've stopped self-harming. I have somewhat liberal viewpoints and some Christians have told me unless I change them I will never experience true salvation. Honestly, that is why I fear Christianity. I am terrified of becoming like some of the Christians I've known. The uptight, self-righteous ones who have more skeletons in their closet than anyone I've ever known. I don't want to become a "fundie" (please don't be offended, I'm using the term to identify the hard-core conservatives). I still want to be fun and open-minded. Not critical and stuffy.
Sorry folks. I'm just ranting. I feel so lost.