To Reconcile or Not to Reconcile

[akmom]

It sounds like an invalid marriage to me. I'm not sure how that worked in biblical times. I mean, Jacob married Rachel and then discovered it was Leah, and yet he was obligated to keep her. I always wondered why he didn't just abandon her and wash his hands of the whole affair, returning Leah to Laban and running off with Rachel. I guess consummation of the marriage was really a key thing back then. I'm not sure if it is today. If you were a previously unmarried virgin, I can see how this would be a serious conundrum. If not, then I guess the consummation wouldn't be such a big deal and the rest is just fraud, so... I'd be tempted to take off. Not sure what the biblical answer is.

Marrying someone you have not known for very long isn't unprecedented. Arranged marriages are very similar and have good success rates. The difference here is that those are typically arranged by the family. So both your family and his family are involved in the agreements and can get to know each other and develop trust and a good understanding of what the marital assets will be. It's hard to hide your identity and past when your whole family is involved. A church family might be able to take on this role, but it sounds like they hadn't known him very long, and you were connected by a "sister" church that is geographically separate. I'm not sure what kind of connection makes it one church, but it certainly isn't a shared body of believers who regularly fellowship together and do outreach in the community. That would be impossible. It also didn't involve anyone looking out for you in terms of marital assets, like a family would do diligently in cultures where marriages are arranged. It was just you assuming his employability based on his alleged work history.

So again, you arranged your marriage in a way that lacked any of the protections in a traditionally arranged marriage. I guess I don't understand why you went about seeking a spouse this way, but those are certainly important considerations.

 

[DZoolander]

Greetings,

I am seeking some guidance on what to do about my relationship with the person I married earlier this year.

I married a guy that I met through my churches global dating site in January of this year. We made our first contact in December 2017, courted over the phone for 3 week before meeting in person at a New Years Eve party orchestrated by one of our sister churches in South Carolina. Our first meeting was great and we had a fun filled weekend. During our phone conversations, we discussed our views about marriage and relationships. At the time, my view was that when two people bring honesty and lay their lives out on the table, find that they share the same core values, and are willing to work with what the other person is bringing to the table, they can marry and work out the kinks later.
In January 2018, we got married after 49 days or knowing each other; very quickly I know. We just went to the clerks office in my city and applied for a marriage certificate, got it signed by my uncle who is a clergyman, and were married. No vows, no hands before God, etc. Just a signed marriage certificate. I agreed under the perceived comfort and safety of having met some of his spiritual mentors while in South Carolina, the culture of our body of churches around dating and marriage, and of course my mindset previously mentioned regarding honesty. Although there were things that made me nervous, he came off as seemingly very spiritual.
Things started off badly and I thought that is was because we married so quickly. I was hopeful that with time, we would be able to work out our differences and that the marriage would improve. Many things happened that made me question his motives very early. Any time we had financial discussions, he would give flaky answers. He was honest about money. He presented that he had been a Marine and that he worked for the government so I had the impression that when moved to my city he had certain connections and job experience that would make it easy for him to get a job. There are too many things to name that made me question who he was after we got married and began living together.
To make a long story short, we had begun counseling with an elder at our church to try and work on the marriage. Some things I shared with the elder and some things I didn't. Mainly because I feared ridicule and embarrassment that things were going so horribly after we married as strangers. I got a few phone calls from what seemed to be bill collectors but they were asking for a person that had my husbands first name but a different last name. It puzzled me and when I asked him about he implied that it was scammers and that I should block the numbers. I ignored the messages but got the same call two or three more times. In light of all of the other issues we were having, I decided to conduct a background check on him using the name he currently uses and the name that was left on the voicemails. It turned out that he was in fact the person that the bill collectors were asking about and that he had been lying about his identity the entire 5 1/2 months we had been married.
He had been lying about his name because it carried a criminal record, his age, the number of times he had been married, his education, being in the military, his credit and financial status, and soo much more. I was undoubtedly broken, afraid, terrified, angry, etc. Few words have sufficed to put into words all of things I felt upon finding this information. When I confronted him about it, he did not openly confess, it took a few days for him to come all the way clean, and many things that I have questioned he still has not openly and humbly answered. We separated back in July after I found out about the deceit. Since separating he has not returned to his hometown but he started counseling to get help because it turned out that he had not only lied to me, he lied to his previous wives, and to his spiritual mentors about the same things. This is why they did not alert me when I met them. He wants to stay married and believes that if he repents, that we can have a health marriage. I feel very differently, like had he been honest upfront I would have made a different decision. I feel robbed of my choice to decide if I want to be attached to what he comes with.
My question is this, Does God want me to honor this marriage? I have really been battling with the thought "How can God have a Holy Stamp on something that was so fraudulent?" Is this marriage adulterous because of his previous marriages? Can I divorce him and still be pleasing in God's sight? Because we entered into this so quickly, does God want me to stay and learn a lesson? I just really don't know what to do. Please help me to see what God would say about this situation.

If it were me I'd divorce the guy, learn from my obvious mistakes, then go about the rest of my life.

 

[Llleopard]

In nz this marriage would not be legally valid. The couple must make verbal vows that state a commitment to a long term relationship, whether it is a registry office or anywhere. Check on what your country needs to make a marriage legal.