I'm warning you.
This is very intense.
Be forewarned.
To be completely honest, some of the reason I've been writing some of these things lately about having a hard time [in the theoretical sense] have been actually about some things I have been going through lately.
I got fired in April for no reason. Then, the whole flubbed-up process of unemployment took six weeks for me to get my money. All this time, I've been falling behind in my bills, but haven't told anyone.
I had to buy a car in February, because there was a vehicle accident in December which totaled our car. Right after we bought the car, they started doing all these incentives like "we'll make your payments for 12 months" and stuff like that, AFTER we bought our car, so now that does us no good. And NOW, they are offering 4500 dollars for you to bring in your old car if you buy one that gets 10 more miles to the gallon, the "clunker offer" or whatever it's called.
Well, none of these things help us, because they started offering these things AFTER we bought our car. So then, two months after I buy this car, with no deals, I get fired. Well, to add fuel to the fire, when the insurance company totaled the car out, they offered me 5600 dollars. They took out the 500.00 deductible, so they paid 5100 dollars outright to my bank, who is the current lienholder. I had gap insurance on the car, so that if the car was totaled, and the payout was less than what I owed, they would make up the difference and pay off the car.
5600 [payout]
- 500 [deductible]
5100 cash payment to my lienholder.
Well, I owed 5350.00 on the car.
So there is now a 250.00 balance that is owed.
However, the gap insurance looks at the 5600 figure, and says, "Well, that exceeds the value of the amount owed of 5350, so we don't have to pay anything out." So now I am unemployed, and stuck with a 250.00 balance I have to pay on the car, when I got gap insurance to pay that in the first place. So THEN, I get home today, and my 818.00 unemployment check [for two weeks] was not in the mail. It should have been there. My wife's 158.00 check was there! So why was mine NOT there? Because they sent me another form to fill out for the two-week record that should have covered that check, where they ask you basic questions like "did you refuse work" and such. The new form I got today said "you answered some questions Yes and No or your form was incomplete".
But I checked it like 5 times before I sent it, like I do every week.
So now, I will have to wait another week before I get this check. And on top of that, I went to the expense of paying 20.00 [which I could not afford, but I took it out of our money] to OVERNIGHT our two-week forms to the California unemployment office, so we would get our checks faster, because we have to pay the past due bill for internet/telephone/cable tv for a couple of months of service, as well as pay for car insurance and other needs. So I just basically did that for nothing. I paid 20.00 to overnight something which didn't help. So now, I owe 200 dollars for internet/telephone, etc, 160 dollars for car insurance, and ...
GET THIS ... I got called Friday morning to go interview for a job on Tuesday in New Mexico, which is a 12-hour drive from here, and I told them I would be there, because I thought I was getting my unemployment check, and because I haven't gotten called for any other interviews. So I don't know how I'm going to pay car insurance. I don't know how I'm going to pay cable, internet, phone. I have to have this service because I need the phone to get calls for jobs, and I need the internet to look for jobs. They said if we didn't pay by Tuesday, they would cut us off, and we'd have to pay the full balance, plus a deposit, plus one month's advance payment. I wouldn't be this behind on this bill, and wouldn't have to be waiting for an unemployment check which is one week late, if I had not got fired. And I also don't know how I'm going to get to New Mexico.
On top of that, all this crap has put a strain on my relationship with my wife. The prospect of uprooting and going to another state, the lack of money, the erratic sleeping patterns because I stay up all night and the next day looking for jobs, we haven't found a church to go to yet, my attitude in all this ... it's all accumulated into one big ball of you-know-what in our household. And to be honest, it really feels like God has left me out to dry. I tithed my last bit of money out of my final paycheck to "honor God". And God said that those who honor him, he would honor them. And not two hours later, after the church service, I got a bill that said I owed 300 dollars.
That really p'ed me off.
I struggled and fought over whether I should pay that tithe, because I wondered if I was going to need that money at some point down the line. And two hours later, I did need that money. And I "gave it to God". And then I was out the 300, and had to go into the negative to pay the bill. I give God 300 dollars, and two hours later, I get a bill for 300 dollars. Imagine that.
I have tried to honor the Lord. I have been taking advantage of my time since I have been unemployed by spending large amounts of time speaking in tongues, reading the Bible, trying to have lots more spiritual time with my wife, going more to church, spending more time trying to connect on this forum, etc. But yet, things have gotten continually worse and worse and worse. My unemployment is less than half of what I was making weekly for the city. I have only got the one phone call for an interview, and now I don't know if I am going to be able to make that interview.
And there's something inside a man that drives him, that makes him want to take care of his wife and his household affairs financially, to make provision for her. And it wounds me very deeply to feel like I may not be able to go to New Mexico, because after all this time passes since my termination, I finally get a phone call for an interview, and look what happens. Yes, I know this is twelve hours away from where I live, but the one pressing thought in my mind is "I gotta get a job", and I don't want to miss this interview, and then not get phone calls for more interviews, and feel guilty wondering what would have happened if I had taken that chance to go for the interview.
I just really wonder about all this. I feel like Elijah, Jeremiah, John the Baptist and others who really wanted to give up and quit, and just throw in the towel, spiritually speaking, because I have really been trying to dedicate myself to God, and my life in many ways has gone to pure hell.
The Bible says that God is supposed to provide for you.
It seems to me like God is not taking care of us.
It feels like God does not want to care about me.
And it makes me not want to care about him.
I'm losing the desire to go to church and to do all the Christian things.
I've just been told all my life that if you trusted God and obeyed him and did his will, that he would never let you down and never give you up.
It feels to me like God has let me down. It feels like God has given up on me.
This is really hard.
This is an honest confession, but I can't go on pretending everything's okay any more.
I have been pretending like that here on forums. I really have.
I have put on a face, and have not been real with all of you.
And this is as real as I can be.
John Wesley wrote in the hymn, "Come, Thou Fount Of Every Blessing":
"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the Lord I love."
And that's exactly where I am right now. I am let down and feel cast down.
I don't see God in this. I feel like God has thrown me under the bus.
I did a damn good job for those sorry morons at the city, and I came over here to California to take this job, and they knew it, and they fired me for no good reason, and all of this has happened to me and my wife as a result.
Why didn't God protect me from getting fired?
It's not like I did something worthy of being terminated.
In their records, they put me down as terminated "without-cause".
I read 1100 meters in one day for those dill-weeds, with zero error. I helped their customers to calm down and not be mad at the city. I was liked by my fellow employees. Without being asked, I brought in two big boxes of donuts one morning, and they thanked me for it and were greatly appreciative. My work always got done on-time, or early. And also, they put me down as "ineligible for rehire". And I only worked there 6 months. So, now prospective employers are wondering why I was terminated after only 6 months, and then also when they ask if I am eligible for rehire, the city can say "no, he is not".
And now I cannot go out and get another job at McDonald's or some place to supplement my income, because they take away that percentage of your unemployment if you do go to work, and after taxes at the job, I would bring home less money per week with the combination of the paycheck with the unemployment. And at this income I'm making, I'd have to go get a job making 15 or 16 dollars an hour to bring home what unemployment pays me, and none of those jobs have called me back for interviews.
And my mom's down my throat about going to school during this time, and she said, "Because I tell you, I would do everything I could in my power to take advantage of this time off right now", and I'm thinking "how am I going to go to school right now????? with what money?"
I am stuck in this horrible, awful place.
I have come on this forum and spoken from my heart the words which the Lord has given me.
I gave them in truth and sincerity. And they blessed many lives.
But yet for all my helping others, I wonder when God is going to help me.
I am beginning to feel like all I am to God is some kind of messenger boy whose life does not really matter to Him.
And yet, on the other hand, I have this fear in the back of my mind that if I do leave God and turn away from him, he will come down with flaming angry vengeance to destroy me and make my life ten times worse than what it already is.
I have begun to question many things I was told from when I was young.
I was told all my life "if you honor God, he will take care of you and meet all your needs."
I was told all my life "if you love the Lord, he will work all things out on your behalf."
I was told all my life "I have never seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread."
I was told all my life "God never lets you down, and always makes a way."
I was told all my life "the righteous man built his house on the Rock, and when the storm came, it didn't affect him."
I was told all these things that we constantly tell each other, and I wonder if we are like a high school football team, and the cheerleaders keeping telling us in chants, "We're number 1! We're number 1! We're number 1! GooooooOOOOOO, JE-sus!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!", and it's something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better, to give ourselves a pep talk. I wonder if we're just chanting a chant.
I did a God-honoring job for the city.
So why did God not protect my job?
Why did he let me get fired?
Why did he take away from me the chance at a 30-year retirement?
Why did he take insurance from me, which covered me and my wife?
Why did he let them fire me after 6 months, making my good job record look bad?
Why did this "true and just" God let unrighteousness and abuse prevail after I glorified him?
I can't be any more honest than what I'm being right now.
I really need help. I really need prayer. I really need to provide for myself and my wife.
I just don't know what to do any more.
Oh yeah, and 1295.00 rent is due in ten days. Then a $430.00 car payment is due ten days after that.