tired of this situation (husband)

[janny108]

Hi I 've been married for over 25 years. I was kind of enthusiastic as a Christian as compared to now. My husband kind of has let himself go. I don't see zeal about much of anything. He's know about our finances yet still has not taken initiative , or he does not have much perserverance.

Since we've been married, I've taken a lot of initiave on many things and years later I'm tired of it, yet he's not thinking there is any problem. Reason I'm not working is due to surgery and being a college student now. We have one daughter who is 10(the last at home)

He has gotten to be somewhat boring, and he doesn't seem to think that is a problem either. I've talked to him about getting involved or at least fellowshipping with other believers. Sad to say, some Christians we know aren't interested in doing much of anything, let alone coming to church with us. He says he feels fine, like he's not depressed or anything. I feel like a single woman sometimes. We still have sex though.

I really want to know about others who are believers but their husbands are not "active". He does not initiate things even at home.
Jan
Jan

 

[chosenpath]

Hey Jan,

I've only been married a little over two years nothing compared to your 25 years and I am struggling with the same thing. Before I met my Husband I spent alot of time drawing closer to God and everyday I'm still learning more. I want nothing more than to please my Abba Father and Savior. When I met my Husband we spent time on reading scripture and bible study. We enjoyed sharing and discerning scripture. One of the reasons I fell in love with him. Soon after we got married all this ceased. He started telling me he lost all information pertaining to the word of God. When I try to encourage and pick out scripture to read he saying I'm using the bible against him. I don't understand because when I picked out scripture before we got married he was excited as much as I was to learn more about God. So I tried other methods to encourage him. I subscribed to the daily manna and we listen to the scripture on the bible gateway audio bible. I thought if maybe he heard scripture in a man's voice and someone else picking the scripture it might help. I don't push him either. I told him I don't look at the daily scripture until we share it together. Like opening a special gift we can share. He knows it is his place to lead our family in the truth, but still he neglects his responsibility. I didn't want to get discouraged so I found this forum to keep my mind positive in the Lord. I want to be a good wife and productive at the same time for God. I wil keep you and your Husband in my prayers.

 

[janny108]

Chosen Path, good to know that others out there can relate! I think we can pray for ourselves and others that have difficulties. When my husband and I met, he got saved and we even held meetings/bible study and helped people out. This happened for about 10 years after we married. As he gets older he gets a bit more complacent. Bugs me.
Jan
Jan

 

[janny108]

Forgot to ask, what is he like in other ways?
My husband is not really romantic or think of things, but he lets me do a lot of things.
Jan

 

[chosenpath]

Well, when the opportunity arises we work very well together. We've done so many projects and have been complimented on our team work. It's funny you bring up romance. Let me share a funny little story. When I first met my husband I had no romantic feelings towards him. I thought of him as a friend. He wanted to make me dinner at my apartment and when he came over he saw candles on the table and commented, "How Romantic". I always had candles on my table for decoration and I clued him in on this. So yes he can be romantic for our first anniversary he made me a small pendulum clock.
It can be detrimental becoming spiritually stagnant. Is that what you meant by complacent?

 

[UnitynLove]

"The Bible says we are supposed to be in agreement. My husband, Dave, and I have personalities that are about as opposite as we could get. Yet, God has brought us more and more together so that we are starting to think more alike and want more of the same things every day. We still have two different personalities, and now we can see that God brought our differences together on purpose. It was not an accident. God knew each of our strengths and weaknesses would complete the other when we became one. The idea of saying, "Why aren't you like me?" is no longer a question in our hearts. We realize that we need each other to be exactly who God created us to be. We no longer pick on each other's weaknesses. Instead, we partake of our strengths and enjoy one another.

There are no two people who need to get in agreement more than a married couple. God has done so much for Dave and me since we have gotten out of strife and learned to humble ourselves to the point that we don't have to be right all the time. Many wars are started in our homes over unimportant issues that don’t matter, such as whether to turn left or right out of the neighborhood when both streets go to the same store. If you want to have power in your marriage and in your prayer life, then you have to get along. You can learn how to "disagree agreeably" without causing strife.

The big question is: How do people who are not of one mind learn to agree? Agreement comes when the people involved stop being selfish. A lot of adults still deal with selfishness. All that selfishness amounts to is, "I want what I want when I want it, and I don't really care what you want because I want what I want." Selfishness is an immature inward focus. If each one of us will learn to voice our wants, but choose what best serves everybody in the family, then we will find peace. The key is to care about what the other person needs, be willing to humble ourselves, and do what we can to meet those needs." - Joyce Meyer

 

[chosenpath]

Hey Unity,
Just wanted to let you know I let my husband read the PM you sent which basically said the same thing as your above post. I thought it was great! Whenever I try to discuss any concern with him he gets defensive and says he doesn't want an argument I told him I am not arguing I'm COMMUNICATING and there is a difference. I think he feels when we disagree it's automatically an argument. Thats why I liked what you had to say about learning to "disagree agreeably" without strife.
My husband understands he's suppose to lead our family in the word but because he says he's lacking his connection with God he can't. I explained to him that it's OK if we go slow with our bible studies. Just as you said we might take a different approach (road) as long as we get there together with God as our final destination.

 

[Ariel]

Unity, I just wanted to say thank you, that quote by Joyce Meyers is so true. Thanks for posting it!

My husband and I have been married 37 years...and like others here, we are DIFFERENT from each other. For years we would stand in line at the polls on election day saying, "Here we are again, we've come to cancel each other out."

But praise God for our differences. We learned that it is okay to be different--even GOOD to be different. In our differences are our strengths. We both add so much to our marriage because we are different.

In many ways we are also the same. We both love music, for example. We both tend to be analytical, although he much more than me. We both love to be out in God's creation, whether backpacking or taking care of our yard and garden. And we are both Christians.

Yet many years ago as a new bride I struggled because I felt so much love for the Lord, and it seemed I was getting ahead of my husband. How could this be good? So I thought--I will pull back. I won't spend the time in Bible study and prayer, I just won't pursue the Lord as much. Guess what happened? I backslid even worse than my husband seemed to be doing.

It just doesn't work to pull back in order to encourage the other to catch up. And it certainly doesn't help to "encourage" one's spouse either by reminding him to do this or that or the other. It just doesn't work, at least not with my husband. So what to do?

Two things helped me tremendously, which I hope may also help some of you. The first was 1 Corinthians 7:14 where it says, "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy." This verse is talking about the extreme situation where a believer is married to an unbeliever (vv. 12, 13). Yet even in this situation, it only takes one person to sanctify their spouse and make their children holy. After I realized that, I decided to pursue the Lord anyway--full throttle, no holding back--I was going to go after Him and trust Him that He would sanctify my spouse and make my children holy.

The second verse that helped is in 1 Peter 3:1 "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives." I read this through many times before I realized the following. One, my submission to my husband was to be like Sarah (v.6)--and Sarah was not a doormat. She gave her opinion. BUT at the same time, there was that part about "they may be won without a word." How to do this?

I resolved that coupled with 1 Cor. 7:14, I was going to go after the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, strength (Mark 12:30), I was going to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and trust Him that all the desires of my heart--a godly husband who led our household--would come to pass, Matt. 6:33; Ps. 37:4.

So I did. I went after the Lord with all my heart. At the same time I resolved that I would not nag my husband, or remind him of anything. I was just going to seek the Lord.

I also honored my husband. Over the years, I have come to him with decisions that he needed to make. We would discuss them, I would tell him what I thought--remember Sarah?--but then I would leave the final decision to him. In all our years of marriage when I have done this, I only saw my husband make one wrong decision--but even then the Lord honored me. We need to honor our husbands. We need to trust that God can and does speak to them.

As for my husband? He grew too--imagine that. My non-nagging approach worked, especially when I also made it clear that I would always honor him.

I love the Lord with all my heart. God has honored me, He has honored my husband as well. We both are closer to the Lord today than we ever were before. We are trusted by our pastors to teach and minister to others. We are very blessed. Even in his job today my husband holds a highly esteemed position.

Go after the Lord. Don't hold back. At the same time always honor your husbands. You will be blessed. As for their spiritual growth--it is so true--when they see the graciousness of the Lord in you--it draws them to the Lord, too.

Be encouraged. All the wisdom of then universe dwells within you. His name is Jesus, and He will help you!

 

[rainbojo]

Hi Jan. You don't say how old your husband is ??? May I ask ??? Being married for 25 plus years, he must be at least 50??? Women go through menopause and men have their own midlife crisis. An accidental author whom I greatly admire said, women sometimes make observations not value statements. And that resounded with me. My husband may think I am being critical when I am only making an observation. "You forgot to pick up milk." "Your socks aren't the same color." Anyway, this is going to be an interesting thread. Rainbojo