Thoughts whilst shooting pool

[Unofficial Reverand Alex]

Sometimes, I just really want to shoot pool. No worries about score, or rules, or even aiming...just throw some balls on the table, grab a cue, and start hitting them around. Sometimes, they make it in a pocket. I just find the sound of pool balls hitting each other very satisfying, and gradually cleaning the table is something I have always enjoyed.

Even if you're not familiar with pool...the point is that this is something I enjoy doing, something that gives me time to think, and these were my thoughts from tonight. I wanted to go to the chapel upstairs (I'm at a Catholic university), but I also wanted to move. So I decided to shoot pool & constantly remember the Holy Presence above me; God is not limited by floors.

I was thinking about my life as an unwilling single. I have recently felt a call towards the Byzantine Catholic priesthood, which would allow me to be a priest and be married; very important! But as I was discussing this with my spiritual director earlier today, he mentioned the possibility that the call I received (details aren't important here) may be leading me to something else, such as a more dynamic idea of priesthood (a life of service in a less official capacity), or perhaps the Roman Catholic priesthood--no marriage.

I was considering the idea of doing the latter; they say it's good to consider the alternatives, even if we don't think they fit, as a step of discerning a life calling. I was considering the idea of going a lifetime without marriage. It would come with pain, there's no doubt about that. But this pain is something I'm learning to share with Christ, and that makes it more meaningful. The sting remains, but it's worth something this way. I trust that God can use this suffering to save souls, starting with my own, in a constant refining that defines our life on this earth.

It occurred to me that marriage isn't the important thing to focus on. When it comes time for me to cross to the next life, marriage will have nothing to do with how I'm judged. How I lived, how I believed, how much I trusted & acted in His Mercy....these are the things that will determine my eternity. Whether or not I'm married, dating, or otherwise committed to a woman will have no bearing on the ultimate question of heaven or hell.

It continued to occur to me, as I shot a poor game of pool & talked to God in the dark, that if it really was God's will for me to get married, He'll take care of it. Of course, this idea is nothing new, but the context put it in a deeper frame. I need to focus on the most important things in life; as notable & laudable as marriage is in this world, eternity matters infinitely more. If God wants me to forsake marriage for the Roman Catholic priesthood, then I will, because the rest of eternity will be joyful if I continued to live, trust, and believe in God. Then again, if God does want me to be married, then I have no reason to fear. This is in His hands; this is His decision. If there really is a God, and if this God really does care for me, then He will take care of this--in the proper time.

In the proper time.

Such an infuriating phrase! Why can't the proper time be now? But everyone understands some notion of fate, some idea that everything happens for a reason. Even large amounts of atheists, with no belief in God, still believe in some sort of guiding force from the universe, or fate, or some other mode of super-human guidance in all our affairs. Everything happens for a reason; the universe has an answer, the Is knows best, fate will always deal another card. God has blessed me in many other ways; why wouldn't he bless me with a wife, if that will truly bring out the best purpose in my life? Considering my long period of singleness, more than 4 1/2 years now...these years have been the most transformative of my life. Between my disastrous high school break-up & the current time of writing this post, so much wisdom has been accomplished, so much spiritual growth, so much growth as a person. I really am thankful for this time, when I take the time to look at it with the eyes of God, of a divine being who is truly in control.

A divine being, a good divine being, always in control...this idea has brought so much comfort to so many people, across all ages & religions & lack of religions, that I can't see it not being true. And if this divine being, this good divine being, is really in control...I have nothing to fear.

Jesus, take my tears. Take the pain I carry daily. Take the confusion, the loneliness, the hurt, mingle it with Your Tears on Gethsemane, has been the essence of my prayers for so long now. It's become daily routine, for the past few weeks, to know that my pain is not my pain, but a pain that supernaturally connects me with my Creator...the divine being.....who is really in control.

Jesus, take me now. Lead me to a girl now. But if you want, I'll wait. I trust. I believe. I will live in You, I will live a good, moral, fulfilling life. This is what will matter. Because ultimately, as deeply as I long for a wife, as much as I know that this is what I was made for...it doesn't matter. It shouldn't take my focus away from the things that will matter at the gates of Heaven or Hell.

I have been known to pray for a close friend who's a girl, if an actual girlfriend isn't in the Divine Will. This happened last year. And a few times before that. But now, even though I sometimes want to pray for this again, I know God is more important. I get frustrated, because I want the real deal, an actual dating relationship that will hopefully end in marriage. But...I want God. Not because God gives me the same happy feelings a girl would; does anyone think the Crucified Christ look like He's having happy feelings? But the Crucified Christ was the model of a man who fulfilled His purpose in life. How disappointed would Christ be if He couldn't show forth such a deep act of love for His people! Love demands an avenue of showing proof...it must make a sign of itself. My love, for a girl I may have never met yet, can be refined by waiting....waiting.....

All the greatest struggles & greatest triumphs of my life, most of the major steps in my spiritual life, have been centered around love for a girl. Even now, I wonder if reaching all these realizations, and believing them so deeply, is the last thing that God needs me to do before I'll truly be ready to accept someone so deeply into my life. But...God is good. I will trust. I am being guided, and sometimes, as much as I don't want to admit it, that's all I need to know.

 

[bèlla]

Alex,

Thank you for your transparency and willingness to share your heart. This is beautiful. I’m proud of you for moving beyond the hurt and rejoice for your willingness to embrace a different path.

I’ve met that fork in the road and its a little scary. But as you’ve noted, the sacrifice is difficult but the reward is great. There are moments when I don’t think about marriage. More often than I admit. I’ve discovered the pleasure of serving Him unencumbered.

Then He pricks my heart and nudges me forward. To ignite the fire and comfort me. This is my place of warfare. I’ve taken my share of blows and arrows. But the Lord remained by my side through it all. He redeemed everything.

It doesn’t hurt to be alone. But He’s revealing my vulnerability. My need for covering. My need for help. My need to love. I don’t consider my personal needs very often. So He reminds me.

There was a time I knew the ache you described. It was painful and longing made it worse. But I had to surrender it for my peace of mind. Remaining in that state was wounding me.

I know He desires me to marry and why its a necessity to fulfill my purpose and assist my spouse in completing his. They’re connected.

Discovering my vocation was foremost. Its helped me cultivate a balanced mindset and lifestyle. I'm not living to marry or existing while I wait. I’m pursuing holy work en route to the altar.

He continues to shape me in His likeness. I need a lot of work! But I’m confident I’ll be ready to love and serve unselfishly when he arrives.

I don’t want lose what I’ve found. I don’t want to lessen the connection with God. I want to go deeper in Him hand in hand. I trust the one He prepared is willing to do so.

I pray for him often and my heart expands with every petition. I enter the place of love and discover the joy of duty. Because he needs me and I need the same.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” —Rumi

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Petros2015]

I always liked the thought of God as a Pool Player. He calls His shots - "Let there be Light".
Sometimes He makes shots across the ages, centuries and decades one person off event off another circumstance to sink the ball right where He wants.

 

[Unofficial Reverand Alex]

I always liked the thought of God as a Pool Player. He calls His shots - "Let there be Light".
Sometimes He makes shots across the ages, centuries and decades one person off event off another circumstance to sink the ball right where He wants.

If God's a pool player, then I'd like to see anyone try to beat the bank shots He can pull off!

Thank you, and @LaBèlla for your posts. I really do appreciate it.