This Must Be Scrupulosity... (Possible Trigger)

[Roseheart]

Hello, all, this has been bugging me a lot and I want to get it off my chest. I thought I was over it but today it's come back.

Basically, a while back I joined a website without reading the terms and conditions. Afterwards, when OCD flared, I felt I had to read them for moral reasons. I then saw that I wasn't technically allowed to make an account, so I deleted it, but there was also a bit which said you had to keep your details up to date, which obviously I can't do if I've deleted my account, but it says to properly terminate your agreement you have to delete your account send them a letter of termination, which I feel scared to do but at the same time I'm worried that God will hold me accountable if I don't.

I think I just need some reassurance here, please. I'm pretty sure it's just scrupulosity and that I don't need to do anything and that God won't blame me or punish me for this, but my mind is still flagging it up.

 

[hollyda]

Hello, all, this has been bugging me a lot and I want to get it off my chest. I thought I was over it but today it's come back.

Basically, a while back I joined a website without reading the terms and conditions. Afterwards, when OCD flared, I felt I had to read them for moral reasons. I then saw that I wasn't technically allowed to make an account, so I deleted it, but there was also a bit which said you had to keep your details up to date, which obviously I can't do if I've deleted my account, but it says to properly terminate your agreement you have to delete your account send them a letter of termination, which I feel scared to do but at the same time I'm worried that God will hold me accountable if I don't.

I think I just need some reassurance here, please. I'm pretty sure it's just scrupulosity and that I don't need to do anything and that God won't blame me or punish me for this, but my mind is still flagging it up.

You don't need reassurance. Reassurance is a dangerous thing to ask for. Seeking reassurance, actually, is a compulsion. Any reassurance granted would be fleeting; your anxiety might lessen a little, but the effect wouldn't last, and you'd be back here within no time. Seeking assistance for compulsions is asking for people to enable your condition, when the objective is to get better. We don't want to enable you.

The way to face this fear is to face it. Either send the email and face the board, or face your perceived dissatisfaction with the Almighty. Accept that you're human and humans make mistakes, and any all-loving deity would understand that.

 

[gracealone]

Bingo! Because reassurance about any OCD theme gives the theme validity. Good post.
Mitzi

You don't need reassurance. Reassurance is a dangerous thing to ask for. Seeking reassurance, actually, is a compulsion. Any reassurance granted would be fleeting; your anxiety might lessen a little, but the effect wouldn't last, and you'd be back here within no time. Seeking assistance is compulsions is asking for people to enable your condition, when the objective is to get better. We don't want to enable you.

The way to face this fear is to face it. Either send the email and face the board, or face your perceived dissatisfaction with the Almighty. Accept that you're human and humans make mistakes, and any all-loving deity would understand that.

 

[gracealone]

Just have to tease you a bit about this one quote:

Accept that you're human and humans make mistakes, and any all-loving deity would understand that.[/quote]

The part about an all loving God understanding that human's make mistakes, is also a reassurance. It's really tricky to address OCD isn't it? Compassion makes us reassure and it's almost like a knee jerk reaction to do so.
Of course the bottom line here for her is the fear that she's done something that God would hold her accountable for and that she must fix it or else..... ______________ will happen.
She is right in her suspicion that it's the OCD making her feel this way. The question; "is this OCD or a valid concern?", always crops up when we are trying to address the disorder. I think it's part and parcel of having OCD. I mean if we really felt assured that it was OCD we wouldn't need treatment as we'd just be able to say: "oh this is OCD, I'm going to ignore it" and move on. But the OCD makes us doubt, question and check our every move and motive. Making room for the feelings of uncertainty and riding out the anxiety that this creates is tantamount to our learning to live with and manage OCD. At least that's been the case with me.
Just wanted to share that.
Thanks for your insight.
Mitzi

 

[hollyda]

Just have to tease you a bit about this one quote:

Accept that you're human and humans make mistakes, and any all-loving deity would understand that.

The part about an all loving God understanding that human's make mistakes, is also a reassurance. It's really tricky to address OCD isn't it? Compassion makes us reassure and it's almost like a knee jerk reaction to do so.
Of course the bottom line here for her is the fear that she's done something that God would hold her accountable for and that she must fix it or else..... ______________ will happen.
She is right in her suspicion that it's the OCD making her feel this way. The question; "is this OCD or a valid concern?", always crops up when we are trying to address the disorder. I think it's part and parcel of having OCD. I mean if we really felt assured that it was OCD we wouldn't need treatment as we'd just be able to say: "oh this is OCD, I'm going to ignore it" and move on. But the OCD makes us doubt, question and check our every move and motive. Making room for the feelings of uncertainty and riding out the anxiety that this creates is tantamount to our learning to live with and manage OCD. At least that's been the case with me.
Just wanted to share that.
Thanks for your insight.
Mitzi[/QUOTE]

The tricky part to OCD is learning to live with not knowing. If I had said what I wanted to say in the quote, which is really what I think would help an OCD patient though not necessarily as a part of a Christian forum, it likely would have been harsh and caused a trigger.

But I will go ahead, and warn for a trigger. Highlight the text at your own risk.

If God exists and is willing to punish you for thoughts you don't want, thoughts he created you to experience, then is he the sort of God you would willingly worship? Is he the sort of God whose approval you crave? He sounds a little sadistic to me.

OCD wants you to go for the quick assurance because that is what it thrives on. A quick assurance isn't going to do crap in the long run, because it has a sell-by date. It's only good for a few minutes IF YOU'RE LUCKY. The best way to get over it is to live with uncertainty, or accept the thoughts rather than fight them. In this case, this would entail: (again, highlight to read)

"God is mad at me and that's okay. I want him to be mad at me. I'm mad at him for being mad at me. And I'm not going to pray for forgiveness."

For me, I can tell it's OCD by how I respond to it. Fear triggers an immediate reaction, makes my heart race, makes my mind immediately try to shut out whatever's bothering me. The only way to get over it is to prepare to make myself uncomfortable and agree with things I don't really agree with. I take the fear away by approaching it, and making it dull rather than enticing.

But this was a good observation on your part. The trouble with scrupulosity, and I've had it before so I can sympathize, is you're worrying about eternity. I maintain that bordering on blasphemy for the sake of alleviating your mental anguish would be something a loving god could sympathize with.

 

[gracealone]

I completely understand the "exposure" exercises that you were demonstrating. I have done that sort of thing with my "Religous OCD" but what I do isn't so much repeating a blasphemous thought as it is writing out the feared consequences of what it would be like for me if my obsessions were actually to be true of me. I completely exaggerate it and come up with the most horrid and vividly imaginative scene I can. Then I write it all out and read it back to myself. I've even tape recorded it and listened to it. Then I let the anxiety do it's worst while refusing to engage in any sort of reassurance seeking behavior.
Although this feels terribly wrong and is definitely anxiety provoking the aim is to treat the disorder by exposing or flooding the mind with the obsessional content without engaging in the compulsion so it can become habituated to it. So I think we understand one another pretty well. For me just repeating the obsession can become almost robotic and unhelpful but exaggerating the root fear behind the instrusive thought is what's helped me tremendously.
Enjoyed the discourse.
Warmest Regards,
Mitzi

[/color]

The part about an all loving God understanding that human's make mistakes, is also a reassurance. It's really tricky to address OCD isn't it? Compassion makes us reassure and it's almost like a knee jerk reaction to do so.
Of course the bottom line here for her is the fear that she's done something that God would hold her accountable for and that she must fix it or else..... ______________ will happen.
She is right in her suspicion that it's the OCD making her feel this way. The question; "is this OCD or a valid concern?", always crops up when we are trying to address the disorder. I think it's part and parcel of having OCD. I mean if we really felt assured that it was OCD we wouldn't need treatment as we'd just be able to say: "oh this is OCD, I'm going to ignore it" and move on. But the OCD makes us doubt, question and check our every move and motive. Making room for the feelings of uncertainty and riding out the anxiety that this creates is tantamount to our learning to live with and manage OCD. At least that's been the case with me.
Just wanted to share that.
Thanks for your insight.
Mitzi

The tricky part to OCD is learning to live with not knowing. If I had said what I wanted to say in the quote, which is really what I think would help an OCD patient though not necessarily as a part of a Christian forum, it likely would have been harsh and caused a trigger.

But I will go ahead, and warn for a trigger. Highlight the text at your own risk.

If God exists and is willing to punish you for thoughts you don't want, thoughts he created you to experience, then is he the sort of God you would willingly worship? Is he the sort of God whose approval you crave? He sounds a little sadistic to me.

OCD wants you to go for the quick assurance because that is what it thrives on. A quick assurance isn't going to do crap in the long run, because it has a sell-by date. It's only good for a few minutes IF YOU'RE LUCKY. The best way to get over it is to live with uncertainty, or accept the thoughts rather than fight them. In this case, this would entail: (again, highlight to read)

"God is mad at me and that's okay. I want him to be mad at me. I'm mad at him for being mad at me. And I'm not going to pray for forgiveness."

For me, I can tell it's OCD by how I respond to it. Fear triggers an immediate reaction, makes my heart race, makes my mind immediately try to shut out whatever's bothering me. The only way to get over it is to prepare to make myself uncomfortable and agree with things I don't really agree with. I take the fear away by approaching it, and making it dull rather than enticing.

But this was a good observation on your part. The trouble with scrupulosity, and I've had it before so I can sympathize, is you're worrying about eternity. I maintain that bordering on blasphemy for the sake of alleviating your mental anguish would be something a loving god could sympathize with.[/quote]

 

[Roseheart]

Both of you, I have read your brief discussion and I feel it has helped me. Thank you, hollyda, for making me come to my own conclusion - I found it hard to resist today not coming back here to check it before I had done anything else, but I managed it alright, I think, and your post in my last thread, gracealone, also helped. For me recently OCD has spiked and I keep saying to myself: "I'll check this latest concern but the next one I won't", but of course I say that every time. This thread, of course, was me checking - I knew I shouldn't be making it because it would just make things worse. I am going to ask God to help me practise letting the thoughts be.

Thank you both and God bless.

 

[gracealone]

That's awesome Roseheart! I can tell you are pretty savvy about your OCD. But it's amazing isn't it, even when you know how it operates it can push you to do it's bidding. That fire alarm is pretty darn hard to ignore.
I'll pray for your progress. Don't beat yourself up about this. All of us with OCD get tripped up from time to time.
God Bless!
Mitzi

Both of you, I have read your brief discussion and I feel it has helped me. Thank you, hollyda, for making me come to my own conclusion - I found it hard to resist today not coming back here to check it before I had done anything else, but I managed it alright, I think, and your post in my last thread, gracealone, also helped. For me recently OCD has spiked and I keep saying to myself: "I'll check this latest concern but the next one I won't", but of course I say that every time. This thread, of course, was me checking - I knew I shouldn't be making it because it would just make things worse. I am going to ask God to help me practise letting the thoughts be.

Thank you both and God bless.

 

[dabro]

Nope no reassurance. I'm not going to hurt you. You just got to accept the thought and the gruiling anxiety it brings. Over time you will notice that you are getter better. It's almost like getting a second chance at life once you realize how this disoder works. I'll be praying for you so expect healing and knowledge in dealing with this disorder.

 

[Roseheart]

Thank you for the prayers and encouragement, both of you!
God bless.

 

[jag370]

Thank you all for sharing. I hate having OCD - it's the worst! Hearing your strategies helps alleviate some of the pressure.

 

[Roseheart]

Thank you all for sharing. I hate having OCD - it's the worst! Hearing your strategies helps alleviate some of the pressure.

I agree - I've been having a bad stint recently and the realisation that trying to get reassurance and checking actually makes the problem worse has made me improve a lot.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Ok, I understand the thing about reassurance but I am not as strong on that point. Sometimes I think we need just a little to ground ourselves again. So let me just say this--this whole thing is OCD. Don't concern yourself with it. 'nuff said.

 

[Roseheart]

Ok, I understand the thing about reassurance but I am not as strong on that point. Sometimes I think we need just a little to ground ourselves again. So let me just say this--this whole thing is OCD. Don't concern yourself with it. 'nuff said.

Thank you - the thing I find is that if I check something and then it's okay a different doubt about the same thing creeps into my head and needs to be checked and it goes on and on. I've been trying not to check anything for a while and it's really helped, but I suppose it's different for everybody.