****WARNING**** Im sure you all have assumed it (considering this is the Sexuality board) but this topic is pretty heavy-handed, even considering the topics Ive seen already in this forum. I tried to keep it as clean as possible but I really need to confess as much as I can to you guys. So please read with caution.
Now, let me first state that I have a strong faith in Christ Jesus. Not a day goes by when I dont talk to Him. After going to college my faith has bloomed a thousand times over. And it is because of Him that I have come here and asked for help. I have been admiting this to God for a long, long time, but I feel that It is time to actually tell someone. But you see, I am so ashamed of this that I cannot bring myself to tell anyone I know: I feel that my relationship with that person would never be the same.
So anyways... Here goes.
I am what is commonly called a furvert. I touch to anthropomorphic animals (drawings of which are called furries, which may or may not be pornographic in nature). If you dont know what that means, think of a werewolf or a Minotaur. I am attracted to drawings of both male and female furries, but in real life I dont find myself attracted to guys (although I have masturbated to homosexual sex a few times, male homosexual porn disgusts me and I have never been attracted to a guy). I also occasionally touch to animal porn, so I am also a zoophiliac. I have been this way for most of my sexually mature life, and am almost 19 now.
Finding these things to be sexually arousing was a slow and gradual process. When it started it was completely innocent... I had no attraction to animals or animal-like physiology. I was younger and going through puberty and just needed something to focus my feelings onto without doing an out-right search for porn on the family computer. So I looked at things around the house that were sexual but wernt necessarily porn. Thats how it started. But, the thing is, the more I masturbated to the drawing, the more I became attracted to it. My lust has been slowly growing ever since then. Its evolved to something much more complex now. Sometimes I make elaborate stories and personalities to go with the characters in my fantasies. I am ashamed to admit this, but over the years, I have formed loving relationships with figments of my imagination (I have since tried to put away these thoughts as much as possible).
Thank you for getting this far. I know thats a lot to absorb.
At this point in my life I can tell myself what I do is wrong, but to my body it feels right. Unfortunately, it has been this way for a long time. Another problem for me is that I dont necessarily need porn to touch. I fanaticize most of the time. And thats something you cant help and is much harder to deal with. I mean, if you have a porn problem you can at least turn off the computer. But you cant turn off the mind. Its something out of your control.
I thank God that I am not as deeply rooted as I could be. I do not actively participate in any online furry communities (and there are actually lots of them) or own any furry/animal porn. I dont think I could ever let myself do these things because it would be a huge sign of acceptance.
Anyways, (finally I get to the meat of the post
)I really have my mind set that I need to change myself. You see, I dont want to look at animals and furries in a sexual way. I wish I was disgusted by it like everyone else is. All I want is to be attracted to a member of the opposite sex. Women and ONLY women. To do that I need to change not just my way of thinking, but even how my mind works and how I perceive things. I have to change what my mind decides is sexually arousing. This is obviously a ridiculously insurmountable task. Thats why I asked if God could do it for me .
I want to change myself not just for myself, but for others too. I know personal salvation is one thing, but this can affect the people Im close to, as well as myself. Im mostly thinking of any girls I decide to date, and the one who I will (hopefully) marry. I am afraid that if I continue in my course I will no longer be able to find girls attractive (both in a sexual manner and in as in a relationship). I fear that it is already slowly happening to me. Every time I think I sexual thought about a furry, I reinforce that thought in my mind. Its a learning process: using repetition to reinforce a behavior. Thats basic psychology. Basically I feel that I am effectively teaching my mind to love furries instead of women. I have never had a girlfriend, and have never dated although I am in college because I have never found a girl that I actually wanted to date (although Ive had crushes). I know that im not the only one, and Im sure its because of several reasons, but I feel that my sexuality has had an effect on me.
Another part of this is that I dont want to be put in a position where I am around an animal and I get sexual feelings. I have this fear because I am a marine biology major and I absolutely love to study animal behavior and physiology. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember. And obviously many jobs in the field of biology (and especially in my area of interest) involve working with animals.
This has already happened to me several times, which is scary. When it does happen, I try to never let things escalate to more than a quick, subconscious thought. Kinda like how men check out girls without even thinking of it. It was in a zoology lab where we were dissecting fetal pigs. I never let myself think about it for more than a second, but I was well aware of what I could think if I let myself. This scares me a lot. It scares me mostly because these thoughts were subconscious. That means my brain has been trained to look at animals in a certain way now. And that is very scary to think about, too. I never, ever want to look at an animal in a sexual way again.
Lately, I was thinking that if I could start looking at normal porn, I could "relearn what I forgot", so to speak. But, after several days I have found that although porn fulfils my sexual desire, it leaves me feeling empty. This prompted me to do some meditation and find out what it is that my fantasies fulfill. Ill spare you the details but I think I realized what I need. Ive found that most of my fantasies are based on love and understanding. Not just sexual love but unconditional love and complete trust. I looked at my life and noticed something. I have no prominent figure in my life (other than christ). Im not that close to my parents, and Ive lost contact with most of my highschool friends. My best friend is far away at another university. Ive been in college for two quarters and I dont really have any close friends on campus yet. Im not even that close to the people in my bible study.
Im missing fellowship. Close, personal relationships.
I believe thats what I need in my life, and if I can channel my energy into something good, something christ-like, I believe God will help me find something or someone to put my feelings into.
Lately Ive been thinking of doing some ministry. Its hard to imagine that in the middle of all of what has been going on in my life, God has given me this yearning to go out there and spread His Word! Ive already been doing this A LOT on the internet through some message boards (and made both friends and enemies too, lol ) and have helped my campus bible study organize a talk on the bible. But I feel that I need to do more.
You can probably tell, as ive been writing this, things have been slowly falling into place for me. Perhaps ministry is what God wants me to do to and through that, He will somehow fill that space in me. Who knows, but it sure does sound like a great win-win situation for me and God.
Now, I realize that I may or may not have my prayers answered. My sexual desires may stay the same throughout my entire life. I may never find an outlet for my feelings. I am prepared for that outcome. But you can probably tell that even just writing my problems out has helped me immensely. Putting the words down has helped me sort out a lot of whats going on in my mind.
As you can see I have a lot on my plate. Please pray for me, and praise Him for helping me sort out as much as I did by writing this.
Please pray that I can change my ways (and my way of thinking, as impossible as it may seem... Remember, the bible says nothing is impossible with God). Please pray for me to help find something to fill my life instead of empty fantasies. And please pray for me so that I can stop beating myself up for this, now that I finally got it off my chest.
Thank you
Now, let me first state that I have a strong faith in Christ Jesus. Not a day goes by when I dont talk to Him. After going to college my faith has bloomed a thousand times over. And it is because of Him that I have come here and asked for help. I have been admiting this to God for a long, long time, but I feel that It is time to actually tell someone. But you see, I am so ashamed of this that I cannot bring myself to tell anyone I know: I feel that my relationship with that person would never be the same.
So anyways... Here goes.
I am what is commonly called a furvert. I touch to anthropomorphic animals (drawings of which are called furries, which may or may not be pornographic in nature). If you dont know what that means, think of a werewolf or a Minotaur. I am attracted to drawings of both male and female furries, but in real life I dont find myself attracted to guys (although I have masturbated to homosexual sex a few times, male homosexual porn disgusts me and I have never been attracted to a guy). I also occasionally touch to animal porn, so I am also a zoophiliac. I have been this way for most of my sexually mature life, and am almost 19 now.
Finding these things to be sexually arousing was a slow and gradual process. When it started it was completely innocent... I had no attraction to animals or animal-like physiology. I was younger and going through puberty and just needed something to focus my feelings onto without doing an out-right search for porn on the family computer. So I looked at things around the house that were sexual but wernt necessarily porn. Thats how it started. But, the thing is, the more I masturbated to the drawing, the more I became attracted to it. My lust has been slowly growing ever since then. Its evolved to something much more complex now. Sometimes I make elaborate stories and personalities to go with the characters in my fantasies. I am ashamed to admit this, but over the years, I have formed loving relationships with figments of my imagination (I have since tried to put away these thoughts as much as possible).
Thank you for getting this far. I know thats a lot to absorb.
At this point in my life I can tell myself what I do is wrong, but to my body it feels right. Unfortunately, it has been this way for a long time. Another problem for me is that I dont necessarily need porn to touch. I fanaticize most of the time. And thats something you cant help and is much harder to deal with. I mean, if you have a porn problem you can at least turn off the computer. But you cant turn off the mind. Its something out of your control.
I thank God that I am not as deeply rooted as I could be. I do not actively participate in any online furry communities (and there are actually lots of them) or own any furry/animal porn. I dont think I could ever let myself do these things because it would be a huge sign of acceptance.
Anyways, (finally I get to the meat of the post
)I really have my mind set that I need to change myself. You see, I dont want to look at animals and furries in a sexual way. I wish I was disgusted by it like everyone else is. All I want is to be attracted to a member of the opposite sex. Women and ONLY women. To do that I need to change not just my way of thinking, but even how my mind works and how I perceive things. I have to change what my mind decides is sexually arousing. This is obviously a ridiculously insurmountable task. Thats why I asked if God could do it for me .I want to change myself not just for myself, but for others too. I know personal salvation is one thing, but this can affect the people Im close to, as well as myself. Im mostly thinking of any girls I decide to date, and the one who I will (hopefully) marry. I am afraid that if I continue in my course I will no longer be able to find girls attractive (both in a sexual manner and in as in a relationship). I fear that it is already slowly happening to me. Every time I think I sexual thought about a furry, I reinforce that thought in my mind. Its a learning process: using repetition to reinforce a behavior. Thats basic psychology. Basically I feel that I am effectively teaching my mind to love furries instead of women. I have never had a girlfriend, and have never dated although I am in college because I have never found a girl that I actually wanted to date (although Ive had crushes). I know that im not the only one, and Im sure its because of several reasons, but I feel that my sexuality has had an effect on me.
Another part of this is that I dont want to be put in a position where I am around an animal and I get sexual feelings. I have this fear because I am a marine biology major and I absolutely love to study animal behavior and physiology. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember. And obviously many jobs in the field of biology (and especially in my area of interest) involve working with animals.
This has already happened to me several times, which is scary. When it does happen, I try to never let things escalate to more than a quick, subconscious thought. Kinda like how men check out girls without even thinking of it. It was in a zoology lab where we were dissecting fetal pigs. I never let myself think about it for more than a second, but I was well aware of what I could think if I let myself. This scares me a lot. It scares me mostly because these thoughts were subconscious. That means my brain has been trained to look at animals in a certain way now. And that is very scary to think about, too. I never, ever want to look at an animal in a sexual way again.
Lately, I was thinking that if I could start looking at normal porn, I could "relearn what I forgot", so to speak. But, after several days I have found that although porn fulfils my sexual desire, it leaves me feeling empty. This prompted me to do some meditation and find out what it is that my fantasies fulfill. Ill spare you the details but I think I realized what I need. Ive found that most of my fantasies are based on love and understanding. Not just sexual love but unconditional love and complete trust. I looked at my life and noticed something. I have no prominent figure in my life (other than christ). Im not that close to my parents, and Ive lost contact with most of my highschool friends. My best friend is far away at another university. Ive been in college for two quarters and I dont really have any close friends on campus yet. Im not even that close to the people in my bible study.
Im missing fellowship. Close, personal relationships.
I believe thats what I need in my life, and if I can channel my energy into something good, something christ-like, I believe God will help me find something or someone to put my feelings into.
Lately Ive been thinking of doing some ministry. Its hard to imagine that in the middle of all of what has been going on in my life, God has given me this yearning to go out there and spread His Word! Ive already been doing this A LOT on the internet through some message boards (and made both friends and enemies too, lol
) and have helped my campus bible study organize a talk on the bible. But I feel that I need to do more. You can probably tell, as ive been writing this, things have been slowly falling into place for me. Perhaps ministry is what God wants me to do to and through that, He will somehow fill that space in me. Who knows, but it sure does sound like a great win-win situation for me and God.
Now, I realize that I may or may not have my prayers answered. My sexual desires may stay the same throughout my entire life. I may never find an outlet for my feelings. I am prepared for that outcome. But you can probably tell that even just writing my problems out has helped me immensely. Putting the words down has helped me sort out a lot of whats going on in my mind.
As you can see I have a lot on my plate. Please pray for me, and praise Him for helping me sort out as much as I did by writing this.
Please pray that I can change my ways (and my way of thinking, as impossible as it may seem... Remember, the bible says nothing is impossible with God). Please pray for me to help find something to fill my life instead of empty fantasies. And please pray for me so that I can stop beating myself up for this, now that I finally got it off my chest.
Thank you
