This gets me down

[RuthD]

Feel free to post whatever gets you down, too. But I will go first:

I have a "friend" who is a very nice lady and helpful and funny.

I feel bad that I feel left empty after she only talks all about herself all the time and tells me I am very strong because I say little about my problems to her. Thus she feels I can take everything she has to say and there is so much of it I can't handle it.

I love to help people but this is nonstop on her part. She will not seek therapy and I feel for her but am getting irritated with her and I even told her I need to have some mental health days and be alone. I am not strong. I am suffering with my own problems right now. I don't feel that I should keep talking about my problems and rather act happy and strong even though I need help and need to seek it and am trying. It is just that after talking to my case manager and a few others I don't keep telling one person my problems over and over. I know some people really need to do this and it works for them and it is a good thing if the person also prays for willingness to change or wants to change.

So I end up looking strong and cold without feelings. The truth is that I am so sensitive that I can't handle other people's problems right now. I have a pervert bothering me who is trying to break me down, trying to use me as a prostitute and have sex with him. I made the mistake to keep a friendship with him but last night I left a message on his answering machine and told him he will not break my will, I will never sleep with him and that we are not a couple and much more. I have other problems too but I have said enough for now.

Please forgive me if I offended anyone but this is not intended to offend. I am just getting this all off my chest. I need prayers and help. Thank you for hearing me if you have read all of this. God bless you.

 

[plumsink]

I don't know if this thread is meant for responses or just for speaking out about what bugs us. If responses aren't appropriate I apologize.

Sometimes we meet people who drain us, who leave us sapped of energy, and that tells us two things. One, that this person is not a very good friend, because real friendships are mutual, and each gives to the other and strengthens the other. The other thing it tells us is that we open ourselves to be drained in such a way.

It is in fact a good and noble thing to try to help people who cannot really help us, but not everyone is equipped for that. Also, some people don't really desire to be helped, or won't open themselves to what will help them. When that is the case, all we can do is direct our attention to someone who can be helped, or to ourselves, if we are the person who is needing help at that moment.

If someone is just an energy vampire, you don't have to keep on feeding them, because it really isn't helping either of you.

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

 

[Lady Bug]

Feel free to post whatever gets you down, too. But I will go first:

I have a "friend" who is a very nice lady and helpful and funny.

I feel bad that I feel left empty after she only talks all about herself all the time and tells me I am very strong because I say little about my problems to her. Thus she feels I can take everything she has to say and there is so much of it I can't handle it.

I love to help people but this is nonstop neediness on her part. She will not seek therapy and I feel for her but am getting irritated with her and I even told her I need to have some mental health days and be alone. I am not strong. I am suffering with my own problems right now. I don't feel that I should keep talking about my problems and rather act happy and strong. It is just that after talking to my case manager I don't keep telling people my problems over and over and over. I know some people really need to do this and it works for them.

So I end up looking strong and cold without feelings. The truth is that I am so sensitive that I can't handle other people's problems right now. I have a pervert bothering me who is trying to break me down, trying to use me as a prostitute and have sex with him. I made the mistake to keep a friendship with him but last night I left a message on his answering machine and told him he will not break my will, I will never sleep with him and that we are not a couple and much more. I have other problems too but I have said enough for now.

Please forgive me if I offended anyone but this is not intended to offend. I am just getting this all off my chest. I need prayers and help. Thank you for hearing me if you have read all of this. God bless you.

I am kind of like your lady friendunfortunately. It's so hard for me to hide things in...and pretend to be alright and bubbly and happy I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much and end up confiding way too much and possibly annoying the people to whom I do this.

however one thing I have in common with you is that when I AM this way, I can't seem to handle other people's problems. that kind of makes me a hypocrite. Yes I do know but...there are some people for whom their problems enable them to help OTHERS...but for me...it inhibits my ability to take on another person's problems (well after a certain extent...a little bit here and there I can) because I am tremendously weighed down by my OWN problems and that would be like a double layer...and that sounds so devoid of compassion...aren't I supposed to be this sweet caring person?

gosh this is gonna offend people

now I'm worried that I'm like the people plumsink has said - I drain people out of their energy...does that mean I'm not a very good friend?

Sometimes we meet people who drain us, who leave us sapped of energy, and that tells us two things. One, that this person is not a very good friend, because real friendships are mutual, and each gives to the other and strengthens the other. The other thing it tells us is that we open ourselves to be drained in such a way.

 

[RuthD]

I don't know if this thread is meant for responses or just for speaking out about what bugs us. If responses aren't appropriate I apologize.

Sometimes we meet people who drain us, who leave us sapped of energy, and that tells us two things. One, that this person is not a very good friend, because real friendships are mutual, and each gives to the other and strengthens the other. The other thing it tells us is that we open ourselves to be drained in such a way.

It is in fact a good and noble thing to try to help people who cannot really help us, but not everyone is equipped for that. Also, some people don't really desire to be helped, or won't open themselves to what will help them. When that is the case, all we can do is direct our attention to someone who can be helped, or to ourselves, if we are the person who is needing help at that moment.

If someone is just an energy vampire, you don't have to keep on feeding them, because it really isn't helping either of you.

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

This thread is for saying what gets you down and helping others who write in it, too. Thank you so much for your feedback Plumsink. I appreciate it muchly.

I am kind of like your lady friendunfortunately. It's so hard for me to hide things in...and pretend to be alright and bubbly and happy I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much and end up confiding way too much and possibly annoying the people to whom I do this.

however one thing I have in common with you is that when I AM this way, I can't seem to handle other people's problems. that kind of makes me a hypocrite. Yes I do know but...there are some people for whom their problems enable them to help OTHERS...but for me...it inhibits my ability to take on another person's problems (well after a certain extent...a little bit here and there I can) because I am tremendously weighed down by my OWN problems and that would be like a double layer...and that sounds so devoid of compassion...aren't I supposed to be this sweet caring person?

gosh this is gonna offend people

now I'm worried that I'm like the people plumsink has said - I drain people out of their energy...does that mean I'm not a very good friend?

You are human. Sorry I am not equipped at the moment to be of much more help to your post. God bless you.

 

[plumsink]

now I'm worried that I'm like the people plumsink has said - I drain people out of their energy...does that mean I'm not a very good friend?

Hi Lady Bug:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help when you need it, and sometimes when you are seeking help you aren't much help to anyone else. You have to be strong yourself to give strength to anyone else.

I guess that the difference between the vampire and the person who needs help is, a person who needs help is genuinely seeking help, whereas the vampire is only seeking attention, the spotlight, having another person pay attention to them. They usually don't even acknowledge that they need any help.

I have known a man like that since high school, he just wants to dominate the spotlight. He isn't seeking to become better, he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a problem, he just wants to suck up your attention. Needless to say, I don't talk with him much.

But if someone comes to us wanting help, we sorta have to give them the benefit of the doubt, I think. Even if the help is giving them a little love and attention. There is nothing wrong with giving a little love and attention to someone who needs it. It is better to err on the side of helping, IF you are strong enough to help someone else. If you are too overwhelmed with your own problems, obviously your own situation needs to take precedence, but with an eye to resolving the problems. In other words, with an eye to getting real help to really overcome something.

Hope this makes some sorta sense. I am not sure it does.

 

[JasoNnnN]

I can understand why some people do this but I'd never do it myself. Maybe if they're christian they should go and do something fo christ instead of moaning all the time? I don't mean to be 'mean' but I see little children who have some horrible disease yet they raise money ect and never ever seem to complain. There's a reason why Christ said to become like little children. And it's just not little children. I see adults do the same thing. Many are not even Christian. So then, if they are doing these things, and all a christian is doing is moaning about their problems, who is entering the kingdom of heaven first? It sure as hell aint the christian!

 

[RuthD]

I guess that the difference between the vampire and the person who needs help is, a person who needs help is genuinely seeking help, whereas the vampire is only seeking attention, the spotlight, having another person pay attention to them. They usually don't even acknowledge that they need any help.

I have known a man like that since high school, he just wants to dominate the spotlight. He isn't seeking to become better, he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a problem, he just wants to suck up your attention. Needless to say, I don't talk with him much.

That is the way my friend is and she does not genuinely want help. She plays games too. She tried to get rid of me when I wasn't saying what she wanted and then called this man who would do exactly what she wants and what she wanted was very bad for her. I'm going to have a talk with her when I feel better. I'm just not sure what to say. I think she needs to see a therapist and go to 12 step meetings too and talk to her sponsor. I will mention that to her for sure.

 

[Jeshu]

Feel free to post whatever gets you down, too. But I will go first:

I have a "friend" who is a very nice lady and helpful and funny.

I feel bad that I feel left empty after she only talks all about herself all the time and tells me I am very strong because I say little about my problems to her. Thus she feels I can take everything she has to say and there is so much of it I can't handle it.

I love to help people but this is nonstop neediness on her part. She will not seek therapy and I feel for her but am getting irritated with her and I even told her I need to have some mental health days and be alone. I am not strong. I am suffering with my own problems right now. I don't feel that I should keep talking about my problems and rather act happy and strong. It is just that after talking to my case manager I don't keep telling people my problems over and over and over. I know some people really need to do this and it works for them.

So I end up looking strong and cold without feelings. The truth is that I am so sensitive that I can't handle other people's problems right now. I have a pervert bothering me who is trying to break me down, trying to use me as a prostitute and have sex with him. I made the mistake to keep a friendship with him but last night I left a message on his answering machine and told him he will not break my will, I will never sleep with him and that we are not a couple and much more. I have other problems too but I have said enough for now.

Please forgive me if I offended anyone but this is not intended to offend. I am just getting this all off my chest. I need prayers and help. Thank you for hearing me if you have read all of this. God bless you.

You know Ruth for all your weakness you are strong and I admire you for standing up for yourself.

It is not good having leeches sucking you dry, I know very well how that goes, though it is true such people themselves are really stuck with their ego demanding constant time without able to give any time.

The best is to know when what is what - and to stay away from situations where we are used or abused or hurt.


Be strong dear while weak - and please don't let this negativity get you down or stop communicating your needs - it is best to have The Love of others as a springboard to give you the edge when you have to jump over the void - I always think.

 

[RuthD]

You know Ruth for all your weakness you are strong and I admire you for standing up for yourself.

It is not good having leeches sucking you dry, I know very well how that goes, though it is true such people themselves are really stuck with their ego demanding constant time without able to give any time.

The best is to know when what is what - and to stay away from situations where we are used or abused or hurt.


Be strong dear while weak - and please don't let this negativity get you down or stop communicating your needs - it is best to have The Love of others as a springboard to give you the edge when you have to jump over the void - I always think.

Thank you for replying Jeshu. I told this man who was trying to break my will that he never will do that and to take it like a man instead of retaliating against me by vicious insults like he has in the past. As for my lady friend I am afraid to call her for fear of me getting useless again. I like her but I'm not sure this friendship is healthy. If I do stay friends I will have to set boundaries. Any ideas on that?

 

[cflittlestar]

May be she doesn't understand, the mental health days phrase.

Perhaps you can let her know that you have your own problem and is struggling with it, and need some time to take a rest.

Perhaps you need ot tell her repetitively, just like when someone saw something and put their mind into it so deeply, someone called her name she may not hear it, until it's repeated.

May be she have is very lack of someone to listen to or to acknowledge her, so when she find it, she put her mind so deep into it.

And try to say no, it's for the good of her and you. I mean like, may be if she call you, you can tell her that you are busy or need some rest. You would like her listen to her, but you need some time to rest and solve your own problemt too.

 

[JesusFreak4L]

One thing that gets me down is the fact my older sister (24 yr. old) has gone through so much grief and hurt in her life and she really isn't in tune with what the Hold Spirit is capable of, and instead of seeking after Him and living a Godly life, she considers His plan stupid and she hates it. Breaks my heart!

 

[RuthD]

May be she doesn't understand, the mental health days phrase.

Perhaps you can let her know that you have your own problem and is struggling with it, and need some time to take a rest.

Perhaps you need ot tell her repetitively, just like when someone saw something and put their mind into it so deeply, someone called her name she may not hear it, until it's repeated.

May be she have is very lack of someone to listen to or to acknowledge her, so when she find it, she put her mind so deep into it.

And try to say no, it's for the good of her and you. I mean like, may be if she call you, you can tell her that you are busy or need some rest. You would like her listen to her, but you need some time to rest and solve your own problemt too.

Thank you for your suggestions. They are very good. I will use them. She will go to other people if I'm not available to talk so that is good for her. I must practice saying "no", yes I must. It's a very hard thing for me to do. I always think I must continuously be little miss smiley say yes all the time girl or I think I am a mean person if I don't. I have to heal, too. Thank you so much sweetie!

 

[plumsink]

She plays games too. She tried to get rid of me when I wasn't saying what she wanted and then called this man who would do exactly what she wants and what she wanted was very bad for her.

For me, playing head games is a friendship-breaker. I have to deal sometimes (in my work) with people who play games, who are manipulative, but as far as friends go, never. Someone who plays games is not a real friend.

 

[cflittlestar]

Thanx for remind me the term (in my post), RuthD. Yes, boundaries that is.

You are not a mean person if you say no. It's about being responsible to yourself and others.

It doesn't do any good, to keep inputing, when you cannot take it anymore, and then explode.

 

[painterly789]

Ruth, I am so sorry you are going through these problems. I know how you feel- I shared with you through pm what my current situation is. I know what it is like to have no complete peace of mind...pm me if you want to talk and unload.

...I must admit I, too, have done my share of selfishly unloading on others and not being considerate enough to think that the other person must be having his/her own multitude of problems. I have to remember that some people tend to internalize their problems whereas I will blather away...shame on me

PM me anytime...

 

[RuthD]

Believe me, I have not been a saint and am not one now either and never will be. I have lots of faults and failings myself. For decades I drank and complained over and over and over about the same things to anyone who would listen and I did the same after I got sober. I was not planning on doing anything about my problems at those times. I did not care about the people who were trying to help me and I did not care about myself. I did not know how I was or how to be willing to change at that time. I am a selfish person now in many ways and I am also fearful about venting my problems. I'm afraid of what others will think of me and of advice that may hurt. I did get hurt a lot when I was venting but only because I was not strong in Christ then and I was not willing to attemp to change or even consider changing. Change is hard and takes lots of effort and Faith. It is something that we have sometimes and sometimes not. I am at a stand still right now but am praying I can change to something better than I am. I have a lot of obstacles to overcome that is for sure BIG TIME!!! I can say one thing good for myself. That is that I try to find solutions to my problems now and sometimes they are not good solutions and other times they are. I have and do want to help others as well as myself but I don't even know if I really help people and if I do-I will give the credit to Jesus. I am sorry if I offended anyone with this thread.

PS. I edited my first post because when reading it back I could see how I would be offended by it.

 

[RuthD]

Please see my post above. I'm sorry.

 

[Jeshu]

Believe me, I have not been a saint and am not one now either and never will be. I have lots of faults and failings myself. For decades I drank and complained over and over and over about the same things to anyone who would listen and I did the same after I got sober. I was not planning on doing anything about my problems at those times. I did not care about the people who were trying to help me and I did not care about myself. I did not know how I was or how to be willing to change at that time. I am a selfish person now in many ways and I am also fearful about venting my problems. I'm afraid of what others will think of me and of advice that may hurt. I did get hurt a lot when I was venting but only because I was not strong in Christ then and I was not willing to attemp to change or even consider changing. Change is hard and takes lots of effort and Faith. It is something that we have sometimes and sometimes not. I am at a stand still right now but am praying I can change to something better than I am. I have a lot of obstacles to overcome that is for sure BIG TIME!!! I can say one thing good for myself. That is that I try to find solutions to my problems now and sometimes they are not good solutions and other times they are. I have and do want to help others as well as myself but I don't even know if I really help people and if I do-I will give the credit to Jesus. I am sorry if I offended anyone with this thread.

PS. I edited my first post because when reading it back I could see how I would be offended by it.

Thank you for replying Jeshu. I told this man who was trying to break my will that he never will do that and to take it like a man instead of retaliating against me by vicious insults like he has in the past. As for my lady friend I am afraid to call her for fear of me getting useless again. I like her but I'm not sure this friendship is healthy. If I do stay friends I will have to set boundaries. Any ideas on that?

So good to hear how you have made breaks in your patterns of enslavements to things or people.

You know Ruth as someone who has dealt with a lot of people in trouble, there is a lot of difference between selfishness and looking after oneself.

To be selfish is short-term must have - but long term self destructive, loveless and demanding - but The Word teaches that to be able to love our neighbour well, we must first be able to love and respect ourselves well.

The ultimate issue is acceptance of yourself in your weaknesses and sins so you can learn to accept others others in theirs. To love sin to death I call it.

Clear boundaries are very important to succeed in loving - and are easily drawn up if you regard yourself as important enough not to be hurt without gain or taken for a ride to serve someone else's ego and not God's loving truth.

However if you accept and forgive you your wrongs and short-comings it is so much harder to be angry with others for theirs and much more understanding and willingness to suffer pain so another can have gain. The good we receive then is the good the others enjoy proceeding from us.

For you to be able to love your friend well - you are best of to break the silence and tell her how you feel without accusing her, but more matter of factually and how this is so upsetting to you, for you love her as a friend but also yourself have a need to be loved and important.

If your friend doesn't care about you she will be angry with you and feel accused and leave you alone after that. However if she does care about you - she might still get angry at first -- but then love within her will teach her to understand that you speak The Truth and atleast try and be more thoughtful of your needs than her own. Which is the best possible beginning for a new direction in your friendship.

Either way you will win. For if your friend is merely selfish - she is no friend worth having around - but if she understands your need and begins to take care of you - you two are beginning to build a relationship that is healthy instead of unhealthy.


I found that to tell Jesus EVERYTHING we feel. Both what we consider GOOD and BAD - and GIVE it to HIM to sort out!

Asking Him to guide us, through His Word and in the Spirit of love - and not Satan pounding us through us through our conscious or through our own hotly demanding egos - but rather deny ourself stuck with such life - and any input from self stuck with demand - as this is the fastest way to break free from unhealthy relationships. For Jesus loves you but also the other and God above all - such is the only true Spirit to have good life in - and that is what you are seeking.


I hope this makes some sense.

 

[painterly789]

Please see my post above. I'm sorry.

Ruth, I did not find anything offensive with your original post and I do not think you need to apologize for it. Like you wrote, you were brave enough to share your experiences and were asking others to do the same. A lot of the time I would read similar experiences to mine on this forum, and I would read the helpful advice and responses. There are lots of stories, life experiences shared here that speak for others and it is a relief to know that we are not alone in our problems. It takes courage to share personal problems...it is easier to pretend everything is okay.

 

[Lady Bug]

don't worry Ruth, I see that you didn't want to offend anyone.