Thinking Seriously About leaving

[~PICKLE~]

The title says it all. I fed up to my eyeballs. This is my second marriage and now I'm beginning to think it has to do with me. My heart knows it's not me, but my brain is really over powering my heart right now.

My first husband cheated, and abused me as his toy and his punching bag. Until one day I had enough and beat him up with a hair dryer. I thought I loved him, but really I was wrong. Now I'm married to a wonderful man. I say wonderful, because he is and he is a great daddy. Only one problem that is taking control of our lives and destoring it at the same time. He is an addict. Easy to say, hard to live with. For 8 years now... I've been living on broken promises and I'm gonna's. Not only that but the verbel abuse to. I just can't do it anymore. I dread everyday, cause I have no clue what is gonna happen next. He has been a recovering alcohic for 5 years now, but now he has turned to pills and sometimes the hard stuff. It's gotten so bad, he has started snooping through my mom's pills and now my brother's.

I love this man with all my heart. When sober he is a great husband and wonderful daddy. But he has hurt me to many times. He has built that wall of resentment. I can't even stand to look at him anymore, needless to say be in the same room. I only stay for 2 reason's. I know what a good man HE CAN be, and the kids, they love their daddy. But how much are we suppose to take. How many more times are we suppose to sit back and wait for him to come home. How many times are we suppose to listen to his line of bull. How many times do we have to deal with ruined hoolidays.

Yes today was ruined bby his attitude.

Anyways, that's my sob story.

 

[MJT82]

I'm sorry to hear the difficulty in your situation. Is your husband a Christian? If you haven't read it already, pick up a copy of the book called "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Don't give up hope...Hopefully there is more advice others can chime in with.

 

[madison1101]

It is so hard to live with an addict. I strongly urge you to go to an Alanon meeting and also confront your husband with his addiction behaviors and urge him to go to rehab. Pray earnestly. Get your pastor to help you with the confrontation. Get those who love and care for your husband to be there. Tell him you love him and tell him the behaviors he does that are of concern. Tell him he has to go to rehab.

Praying for you.

 

[Svt4Him]

I'm sorry...No man should treat a woman like that.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Having gone through a separation where I was the messed up one, I've had to try very hard to be compassionate toward the one who leaves. I'm sure you feel very burnt and raw.

If you love him dearly, then find a way to stick by him as long as he is getting help / improving! He is trying to feed something inside himself, probably a messed up heart with a love deficiency. You can't fill it by loving him more!

Let me repeat that, because it's gonna offend some people here: You can't fill it by loving him more! I know, because I'm in the same boat as him. There's a hole in the bucket, and continuous pouring is required to keep the bucket filled. OOPS! You don't have the capacity to continuously fill. Noone does. That's why you're burnt.

However, leaving him will be taken as abandonment, and will also not help him. It will make it harder to fill. He needs your support, but he needs to find out whatever it is that is missing/preventing him from receiving your love.

If he's a Christian, I recommend you buy him a book by Brennan Manning. Any book will do - each of his works is another way to say "God loves you. Yes, you. No, not the you you should be, not the you you're gonna be. You."

Brennan Manning is a (*former) Catholic priest whose alcoholism ended his marriage. He intimately knows about redemption and unconditional love.

*Former according to the Catholic Church becuase he married. He doesn't feel that God has released him from ministry yet.

 

[taz_pazazz]

Oh Pickle, I am so sorry for the situation you are in. MJT82 suggested reading "The Power of the Praying Wife". This is such an AWESOME book! It teaches you how to pray for your husband and gives you hope and faith at the same time. I have this book (which I have read more than a several times already), plus the "Book of Prayers for the Power of the Praying Wife", and there is also a Prayer Journal to go along with it.

One other thing that I wanted to say, or more so ask you to think about... Could it be that you are possibly enabling him and his actions? (Co-Dependancy.) The reason I ask is because my husband recently left me, and I have come to the realization that I have been enabling him for a long time now. (He isn't an alcoholic or drug addict, but he has the personality and actions of both--if you want to know more, I can explain, but this is your thread, so I don't want to go on about me.) This is just something to think about.

Dear Jesus, I lift Pickle up to you ask for your Godly Wisdom and Guidance for her in her marriage. Please calm her heart and hold her close to You ... Amen.

In Jesus' Love,
Taz

 

[~PICKLE~]

Well things are worse. I have cryed prayed begged and told him everything about how I feel, and he has told me he will change. Another broken promise. i woke up to find him gone this morning and when he got back, he was pretty messed up. I took his keys so he couldn't go driving and kill anyone. After 4 hours of him begging and being very nasty, he got his keys...I couldn't take it no more. He left mid afternoon and by 11 oclock there was no word from him. I did walk to the store and pick up some things and a friend that works there asked me if Michael had payed for his gas yet from earlier....I had no clue what she was talking about. She showed me his license and said he got 10 and said he's be back to pay. I pid the 10 and came home. At 11;30 I got a call form a police lady asking me to come pick up his dog...."WHAT DOG" We can't have any dogs. They were arresting him for public intox. And towing my car. I ad a friend take me up there and Guess what My husband done stole my brothers dog!! OF r what reason I have no clue. My brother is going through a nasty divorce and is staying with my mom. None of us are suppose to be within 500 feet of his soon to be ex wife. So why Michael went down her drive way and took the dog I have no clue. I called my brother and he came and got the dog. HE was really upset and sent his brother in law out to check on his wife. SHe was scared and locked herself in the house. The cops arrived to late, Michael was already gone.

Anyways. At 2:30 in the morning he calls and I don't answer. he calls 4 more times and I still don't answer. I just don't want to hear his Bull anymore. I make the mistake of calling bookin and asking his charges....The dude at the desk says well he's been trying to reach you and hands Michael the phone. GRRRRRR!!!! I'm being blamed for everything as usual, and I'm suppose to pack up my stuff and leave before he gets out. "WRONG ANSWER" They have him on PI, and possession. PI is 275, the other is 750. He can sit!!

Anyways that's my update....Now what do I do?


I have prayed for God to Heal my husband and to heal me. Both for the pain and the bitterness. I love this man, but I can't live like this.....

 

[InTheFlame]

I feel pretty helpless here

All I can recommend is getting a copy of one of these books:

Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend)
Love Must Be Tough (Dobson)

The reason I think they'll help is that in previous relationships I struggled a lot with working out sensible reactions to bad behaviour from my 'loved one'. These books taught me a lot about what love really is. They both work on the premise that real 'love' means working for the best for somebody... even if the other person doesn't accept it as being good for them. If I'm constantly taking the brunt of the consequences for someone's bad behaviour, then I'm not actually doing them any favours... I'm blocking their spiritual growth, and that's not really loving behaviour.

 

[jenelis]

WOW what a situation. I think you should sit back and reflect on how this man is affecting your children. You need to protect them from the evil things this world has to offer. It appears that you love your husband and I'm not implying that you don't stick it out... but the situation is unhealthy for the kids. Maybe you need some time apart.

 

[~PICKLE~]

I know the situation is bad for the kids... I don't my kids to end up like me, cause I went throught the same..Yes the cycle continued. Right now it's very rough. He will be in jail for 3 months if I don't bail him out. I want to bail him out but then again I don't. I'm alone and scared and I miss him, but I don't want the drama. My parents refused to bail him out. He needs to stay and think all this out. ANd I agree, but my heart and the kids really miss him. MAybe after a week or two I may know what to do.. right now I can't. Last night was really rough. neither of the kids wanted to go to sleep and they both wanted daddy. I really thought I was losin my mind. All I could do was go out on the porch and cry and pray.

 

[donniewheeler]

you shouldnt give up on him! Pray for him talk with your pastor GET HELP, but dont give up. Throough God all things are possible.

 

[E_Powers]

It is very common for people to abuse drugs to hide from difficult pain in their lives. and when they get off of the high of the drug they feel horrible for 1 taking the drug. and 2 the earlier pain is unresolved. he needs a good christian therapist and a way to get off of the drugs. a christian person that can help out i reccomend for you is June hunt. http://www.hopefortheheart.org/ she runs a radio help show at night.

i shall pray for you and i wish i could do more. but remember with God with you it will be all right.

 

[Svt4Him]

you shouldnt give up on him! Pray for him talk with your pastor GET HELP, but dont give up. Throough God all things are possible.

Do you think that leaving, letting him get help for himself, and taking the family away could could be the best thing? Remember what you just wrote, with God, all things are possible.

 

[Chrystal-J]

My heart goes out to you Pickle! My husband, too, is the master manipulator. His problem is alcohol and *non-stop* lying! Plus, all of our money vanishes 30 seconds after he cashes his paycheck. (Although, he does pay the house payment and utilties..but nothing more.) There is never any food in our house and I have to wear raggedy clothes...it's a bad situation. I never know where he is or how he spends his money and I don't even bother to ask him...unless I'm in the mood for a fairy tale.

What I finally did was to tell him that he couldn't move back in with me after he got out of the hospital this time for a problem that I feel were brought on by his drinking. (I'll never know why he really had to be admitted because when I ask him, he says I need to "mind my own business".)
Anyway, I told him that he had to move to his parents when he got out. It was either that or I was going to have a heart attack (seriously...I was developing an irregular heartbeat due to stress). I didn't ask for a divorce, but I did say that--at least for a while--I needed to be alone. And I know this sounds awful...but, since he's been gone I feel like a 100 lbs has been lifted off my back. No more long nights wondering where he is... No more "stories" from him explaining why he didn't come home for 2 days... And no more crazy surprises that make me feel like I'm getting an ulcer!
He agreed to move in with his parents and they agreed to have him...but, I get this eerie feeling that he's sitting over at his parents house plotting his next move on me. Ugh! I've done so much for him...I've prayed, posted prayer requests and talked with his parents too. (His father said I should have him committed for 90 days to a mental hospital!!) I guess his father can see how out-of-control he is...

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that sometimes separating can be a good thing for both parties because it gives you time to "breathe" with-out the phone ringing with more bad news--and it helps your husband to realize that his actions are not with-out consequences. Because, if he's anything like my husband, the situation will only continue to slide down-hill if he's not forced to see that he's wrong for hurting his family.
For some strange reason, my husband cannot see the damage he is doing to his family. He just keeps following some strange "calling" to do bizarre, destructive and pointless things. I don't understand it at all. It's like he can't stand it if his life is going good--so he has to do all he can to ruin it.
I sure hope things improve for you...
Take Care & *hugs*
C J