Thinking of Divorcing my Wife

[DreamerOfTheHeart]

I like that you want Heavenly work. So I have your first Heavenly work to do. Start loving your wife, the way you promised in your vows before G-d.

You have no idea of my situation, nor what I am talking about.

"“If any man come to Me and hate not his father and mother, and wife and children, and brethren and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple." Luke 14:26

However, otherwise my view is alien, as is my situation. People who think otherwise should stop and consider they do not know the full circumstances.

 

[Tom 1]

Only as a friend.

I am aware of the complications.

I would say that the idea of ‘transitioning’ from one relationship to another is a bad one. If you are considering divorce I strongly feel you should make that decision without any involvement in anything that might develop into a relationship. There’s no way you can do that and come out spiritually stronger. If you feel that you need that friendship/relationship to help you transition out of your marriage, that isn’t a good thing, it will cloud your judgement, whether you recognise it or not.

 

[Netgear]

Best if you post the full circumstances as then people will post accordingly.

You say fornication is involved? In what way?

To look for someone else is against Gods law. God would not be asking you to do that.

How long you been married? Any children?

 

[MyGivenNameIsKeith]

Since everyone seems to know what to do around here, and what not to do, let me throw in my two sense, cents, or since.
First and foremost, trust in the Word of God. Read it and reread it. It has a lot of relevant advice that is more beneficial than anyone on here can give you.
Second, I wanted to point out that marriage here on earth is a reflection of Jesus' relationship to the church. We as believers mess up A LOT. However, his grace is sufficient to sustain us and redeem us from our shortcomings.
I can't know firsthand what you are going through. I'm not you. Only you can know those things. I do know that the same spirit works in both of us, so its with that spirit that I extend this.
Remember how vital it is to stay humble. Keep your own transgressions in mind, not hers. Make God the central focus of your marriage, as he should be. The marriage will fall apart if he's not.
Read
1 Corinthians 7:12-16
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.
14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

1 Corinthians 6:18
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

I could quote other scriptures as well, but the big question comes up....
SO WHAT? What's my point?
Point is...Grace.
The Law says to stone the adulteress. The gospels reiterate don't divorce except for adultery, the whole nine yards.
HOWEVER....
Jesus doesn't condemn the adulteress, only tells her to leave the life of sin. This is your calling. To embrace the power that raised Jesus from the grave and work with your wife to make the marriage a holy and righteous union. It was joined by God was it not? Let no one separate what God has joined together.
Easter is Sunday. Take her to church. Don't look at her like she is the filthiest pagan non-believer you ever saw in your life. ALL HAVE SINNED AND COME SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. Even you.
Start praying together. Read the Bible together. Non-believer or whatever, she still has questions. Be loving, patient, full of grace!!! and humble.
If I am misinformed about God's power and grace and what it can do for a situation like this, then you and I read different Scripture and worship a different God.
Either way, read and reread the Bible and try reading it with a pure heart with the grace that God gives. Not one seeking vengeance and seeking the verses with which to cast the next stone.

 

[quidam65]

Here's how I would approach things from a practical perspective. (I also am not married and never have been so take it for what you will)

IF she is repentant of her actions and is willing to break off the relationship, then I would not be so hasty to divorce her, regardless of whether or not she is or ever will become a believer.

However if she is not repentant, and has made it clear she is going to continue doing what she is doing, then at that point you probably should go ahead and get a divorce.

I would NOT, though, start looking now for another person. Remember, the person guilty of adultery is not free to Biblically divorce; if you end up falling into temptation then you have lost your Biblical right to leave your unfaithful spouse. Wait until the divorce is final (if you announce you are leaving, it may shock her into changing her behavior--I know you are not optimistic of such, but it could happen) then start looking. You will find better quality matches than if you start looking beforehand.

 

[ByTheSpirit]

Fornication was involved, and she does not appear to be a believer.

I have stayed with her all these years, effectively with a positive mindset, but now, I have to realize: she is not saved and is very worldly. Whereas for me, I am hardly worldly at all, with one foot in the world, and one foot in Heaven.

This said, I plan to find somebody first, as a friend, to see if they are heavenly. As I do not want to repeat the same mistakes.

I have a lot of heavenly work to do, and so, I need to be with someone who accepts and believes in the Heavenly over the world.

Wow, well I hope you don't approach heaven with that attitude. Perhaps you could use her faults (and your own) to show grace, and love to an unbeliever, if she is in fact an unbeliever. You may in fact convert an unbeliever by doing so, and learn a thing or two about true godly love in the process.

 

[CosmicOsmo]

Short answer: its absolutely wrong for you to divorce your wife, unless she has just now committed adultery against you.

You mention "fornication", which is a translation of the greek word inappropriate contenteia, which means sexual sin in general. You haven't told us what she's done wrong. Also, you haven't told us what you have done wrong? Are you living in purity? Could you throw the first stone?

I'm going to assume she has had sex before meeting your or that you have had sex with her before getting married. Neither of these is grounds for divorce. In fact, the latter is grounds for marriage (Exodus 22:16)!

Reading between the lines here, I'm going to assume she has a somewhat shady past and you married her because you wanted sex, but now you want something "heavenly" and are dissatisfied with where you are in life. The solution: start walking with the Lord in purity and love your wife! Thank the Lord for your wife every day.

I find it incredulous that she wouldn't even know much about your faith. You have to tell her you want to follow Jesus. Suggest she join you for a moment of prayer (don't push her but offer the invitation).

I have a wife that is not all that spiritual, but I've experienced the presence of God and His blessing as I've sat down with my wife for a 5 minute evening prayer on our sofa a few times a week. She usually doesn't say much, but I pray what comes to mind and she listens to me talking to God. We've been together for many years. I find the key to this situation to be living in holiness before the Lord on my part, loving my wife and generally being the kind of person God would be if He were downloaded into my body in my situation.

"seek ye first the kingdom of God,
and his righteousness; and all these
things shall be added unto you"
(Matt 6:33)

Try to live in a way that if God ever asks your wife, she will tell Him you are an example of doing the right thing. Other "heavenly" things are probably just a diversion. Far too many people already being spiritual busybodies all over the place. Fewer people actually walking the walk.

 

[Petros2015]

In other threads you have implied you are immortal and no longer aging. From a practical perspective, having a mortal wife is a little one-sided, they age and wear out. Kinda comes with the territory... So, you might want to revisit that a little with her in counseling.

 

[YHWH_will_uplift]

Fornication was involved, and she does not appear to be a believer.

I have stayed with her all these years, effectively with a positive mindset, but now, I have to realize: she is not saved and is very worldly. Whereas for me, I am hardly worldly at all, with one foot in the world, and one foot in Heaven.

This said, I plan to find somebody first, as a friend, to see if they are heavenly. As I do not want to repeat the same mistakes.

I have a lot of heavenly work to do, and so, I need to be with someone who accepts and believes in the Heavenly over the world.

Let's be real here shall we... I'm going through an infidelity situation myself...I dealing with my wife looking at inappropriate content and sleeping with other men, so please don't act all prideful as if you're alone in this process and that because you're supposedly saved that you're just so high and mighty and better than your wife now. As of right now me and my wife are separated and she's talking about giving up on the family in order to sleep with other men. Me and my wife have our own craxy history to sort through but, I can guarantee you that there's nothing impossible to workout in your marriage with God's help: with your own efforts it's impossible. You may feel like a useless man and try your best to mask that up with this false immortal attitude as if nothing can hurt you, you're probably feeling like it's all your fault but, it's not. Don't n afraid to hold her accountable but, make sure to hold yourself accountable and not n like the unforgiving servant.

 

[YHWH_will_uplift]

And ignore all of the advice from single people on your marriage...wrong people to take advice from. If you truly want this to work till death do you part then it's going to take a lot of guts and great faith in God that all things will work out. And when you find yourself in a bind not knowing what to do: pray to God for the answers And to use the Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth.

 

[nanookadenord]

And ignore all of the advice from single people on your marriage...wrong peoe to take advice from. If you truly want this to work till death do you part then it's going to take a lot of guts and great faith in God that all things will work out. And when you find yourself in a bind not knowing what to do: pray to God for the answers And to use the Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth.

Don't forget, people have free will.

I trusted God to repair my marriage when my wife went for divorce, she filed and completed it anyway. So, I am a divorced man.

However, what I didn't see is that the divorce was a blessing in disguise as the woman I am with now is wonderful.

Not saying this is what is going to happen to the OP, but it is what happened to me.

 

[akaDaScribe]

I have been married since 1995 and been with my wife since 1989. We are both Christian, but we are not always in the same place spiritually. I understand that it can be extremely lonely to be in a place that your wife is not in and does not desire to be in.

Here is the thing, or at least what I came to realize over the years. Your wife is not going to meet all of your needs. Value her for what she does bring to the table and look for other outlets to meet your other needs. That is to say, find friends, probably male friends, who can share your excitement with you. Don’t look for your wife to be more than who she is and just love who she is. Our spouses aren’t supposed to meet all of our needs. It’s so we don’t have to go through this life alone.

If you still love her and she still loves you, consider just loving each other and not trying to make each other more than who you are. Enjoy your spouse as an aspect of your life and value that aspect.

 

[YHWH_will_uplift]

Don't forget, people have free will.

I trusted God to repair my marriage when my wife went for divorce, she filed and completed it anyway. So, I am a divorced man.

However, what I didn't see is that the divorce was a blessing in disguise as the woman I am with now is wonderful.

Not saying this is what is going to happen to the OP, but it is what happened to me.

All I know is that I've witnessed people in my family divorce and the ones who were in the brink of divorce: the ones on the brink outweighed the ones who did divorce and, what I learned is that no situation is bad enough where it cannot be fixed: it takes humility from one party to keep it going, and both both parties to strengthen it.
While I am happy for you in being happy with who you're with now: there's always the choice to not sign the papers. If we are to take our marriages seriously then we'll remember that it is a LIFETIME commitment not a contract.

 

[nanookadenord]

While I am happy for you in being happy with who you're with now: there's always the choice to not sign the papers. If we that are married take our marriages seriously then we'll remember that it is a LIFETIME commitment not a contract.

Here in Florida it only takes one party to sign papers. She didn't need me to sign anything, however, I did so because if I didn't there would have repercussions in regards to my visitation with my kids.

 

[Inan3]

I agree. God hates divorce and so do I... but yes, I stayed w her a long time despite having to keep much of my life (christian life) hidden from her.

I just can not convert her, and I seriously need help in my work of the Lord.

Maybe that is part of the problem. You should never have kept any of your Christian life from her. It is NOT our part to convert anyone. Only God can do that BUT we are told NOT to hide our light under a bushel. When we hide our light, we hide God in us who is the light. People NEED to see the light. We all were non-believers at one time.

God's Word tells us
"1Co 7:12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
1Co 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
1Co 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
1Co 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
1Co 7:16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?"

I know it is not easy to live with an unbeliever BUT start letting your light shine and just LOVE your wife and don't judge her. Maybe she is unhappy because she knows you are hiding something or not being the real you. That has got to effect your marriage. The devil will use that against you and your marriage. If you do right and love your wife unselfishly and SHE desires to depart then you are free but you have a responsibility to forgive and love your wife and give yourself for her as long as she desires to stay. That is God's way. If you do that and she leaves you, you are no longer bound in God's eyes but if you do not do that and you leave her then you will be held accountable. ALSO, IF that happens either remain unmarried or ONLY marry a believer. That is the Word of God! Do NOT be unequally yoked. So don't choose someone who is not 100% for the Lord "friend" or not.

 

[Inan3]

Yes, she knows I am a Christian. Hidden from her are all the astounding things in my Christian life, matters which are beyond her capacity to believe.

A husband or wife should never hide anything from each other!

 

[PeterDona]

Brother, there are many who instantly will offer you the idea to "move on". Do not listen to those people, they are misguided. Scripture ties a hard know in the question of marriage, it is till death do you part. And God will hold you accountable. I can only say, dont go there.

You do not have the option to have a 2nd spouse while your first spouse is alive. Jesus calls that ongoing adultery, and it will disqualify you from entering heaven.

Scripture verses for this: Matthew 5:32, Matthew 19:6, Mark 10:11, Luke 16:18, 1 cor 7:10, and more could apply. Dont go there.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Maybe that is part of the problem. You should never have kept any of your Christian life from her. It is NOT our part to convert anyone. Only God can do that BUT we are told NOT to hide our light under a bushel. When we hide our light, we hide God in us who is the light. People NEED to see the light. We all were non-believers at one time.

God's Word tells us
"1Co 7:12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
1Co 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
1Co 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
1Co 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
1Co 7:16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?"

I know it is not easy to live with an unbeliever BUT start letting your light shine and just LOVE your wife and don't judge her. Maybe she is unhappy because she knows you are hiding something or not being the real you. That has got to effect your marriage. The devil will use that against you and your marriage. If you do right and love your wife unselfishly and SHE desires to depart then you are free but you have a responsibility to forgive and love your wife and give yourself for her as long as she desires to stay. That is God's way. If you do that and she leaves you, you are no longer bound in God's eyes but if you do not do that and you leave her then you will be held accountable. ALSO, IF that happens either remain unmarried or ONLY marry a believer. That is the Word of God! Do NOT be unequally yoked. So don't choose someone who is not 100% for the Lord "friend" or not.

That's along the lines of what I was thinking since reading of having hidden your faith from her.

If you judge her for not being Christian enough, but yet you hide the faith from her - aren't you making yourself guilty before God for not sharing Christ in the very first place you were responsible to do so?

If you abandon a home you failed to share the Gospel in order to justify sharing it elsewhere, you seriously compromise yourself and your message.

Wishing for another partner in your new efforts is hardly a good example either.

 

[LucyFlora]

I'm very sad to read of your dilemma.

It must be very painful to have to consider splitting from someone who you must love dearly.

I pray that you can reach out to your wife and convince her that God can guide both of you wherever that may lead.

 

[CosmicOsmo]

You do not have the option to have a 2nd spouse while your first spouse is alive. Jesus calls that ongoing adultery, and it will disqualify you from entering heaven.

Seriously?! Everything you just said is wrong. Jesus said no such thing!

Salvation and being God's child is not something you earn by being good, its something Jesus paid the price for already. Sheesh.

Go back and read your bible once or twice. Also, there is no such thing as "ongoing adultery" in the bible, nor does Jesus say such a thing. What are you talking about!?

Divorce (rejecting your wife) and adultery (having sex with someone else's wife) are two separate issues that have nothing to do with taking a 2nd wife. Op is considering rejecting his existing wife. That is the issue we are talking about here.