Thinking about suicide again....

[GreyWolf]

First of all, I want to apologize for only coming here when I'm struggling. Please forgive me for not giving as much support as I ask for. Truth is, I was really bitter at Christians for a very long time, given that I had such a bad experience with the last church I was in.

Well, do to some mistakes on my part as well as circumstances beyond my control, I am in some serious dire straights financially. I had to borrow from various people (including taking chartiy from a church) to keep them from shutting off my electricity and heat. I even had to go on food stamps.

I feel like a leech, and it is especially hard to be indebted to a church.

So I have been contemplating suicide. I put a noose around my neck and pulled it tight yesterday to 'get the feel of it' and counted out sleeping pills, but sleeping pills are too painless- I feel I deserve to suffer. I also looked up information on different methods of suicide online. I looked up what dead bodies looked like so I could choose a method that wouldn't be too hard on the paramedics.

MY counselor says that suicide is a choice and not inevitable for me. She says I need to choose once and for all to reject it as an option. I'm trying, but its hard.

I could use some kind words and support. And suggestions on how to get through this and decide to live.

 

[mont974x4]

I agree with your counselor, that option needs to be rejected completely and finally.

We always have options and we always have hope in Christ. God loves us and has a plan and even when things seem out of control and hopeless we can trust Him to carry us through.

I am here, as are the other chaplains, to talk if you'd like. You can even post in Ask A Chaplain anonymously if that would make you more comfortable....only chaplains can see who starts threads in that area.

 

[Orville]

Knowing nothing of your life history beyond this snippet, I would offer the following-

The concept of suicide is one that many people struggle with in their lives, so your feelings of despair are not uncommon. Suicide is the act of total failure. People choose to do it simply because they believe they are a failure and they see no way out. This is untrue. Your road to peace may be difficult, with times of failure and times of triumph, but this is the same for all of us. If you give in to your current sad state, you are making a mistake because you are not a failure, just a person going through a tough time. Thank God you have people who can help in your time of need.

Once you actually start playing with tools of self-destruction, I think you have crossed a line you should not have. You need to take that noose and throw it in the trash, and if you are currently acutely suicicdal, please seek help immediately. I don't what kind of counselor you are seeing, but you really should be with a licensed psychotherapist.

I wish you peace and tranquility in place the emotional disorder you suffer.

 

[madison1101]

I believe you should get yourself right to an emergency room, or crisis center for admission to a hospital. You are in very dangerous areas with your behavior concerning your activities with the stuff that you could hurt yourself with.

I also am curious about your counselor. Is he/she a licensed psychotherapist? Answer that, AFTER, you go to the crisis center.

Trish

 

[Bellicus]

There is one thing that I keep repeating to everyone that feel there is no hope, and that is that what you feel in the moment is not what life really is. Even if everything looks completely black, then that is not the truth, it is not the way things are at all. It is just something we feel. And it may sound like empty words, but it is highly unlikely that we will continue to feel the same way for the rest of our lives. It is more then likely that things will change and that we will see better days. And when it comes to thoughts and feelings about suicide, then this is something that are your enemy, it is not things that should be listened to at all. It is a enemy of the better days that are ahead of you.

There is hope for you. There is good things in the world for you too.

 

[Alive again]

Dear GReywolf, I am sorry to see you in this circumstance again. I am seconding Madison's input, get help immediately. This is too close. You do have a choice and do not have to follow through with the noose or any other way.

As an aside, why are you indebted to a church, when the help was (I assume) given as a gift and without strings. Our church and many others I know of do this type of thing without expectation. Please do not hold yourself accountable to something no one else does.

Hugs!

 

[Ariel]

Grey Wolf, I am so sorry.

We all have times in our lives when we need help. If the church that helped you is like mine, they were happy to do it. If you feel you need to pay them back, then ask what you can do to help them. They will be happy to hear you ask.

These thoughts of suicide need to be shut out now. Get rid of the rope and pills! As long as these things are around you will be tempted, get rid of them.

What about your parents? Think of how devastated they would be. Dear one, think of how you would feel if you were them. You know they love you. Do remember that trip you took with them? You are precious to them.

I am praying for you.

 

[GreyWolf]

AliveAgain and Madison,

I am absolutely absolutely NOT going to an emergency room.

The last time I went, it was a living nightmare. There was a sucide on the voluntary unit, so they don't want to deal with suicidal people anymore. As soon as I said the word "suicide" the guy told me I had to be committed. He berated me, literally, first accusing me of lying, then being selfish, than finally threatening me, saying that if I didn't wise up he'd send me to the state hospital. They commited me, even though I said I was willing to go in voluntarily.

The commited ward was awful. There were people urinating and pooping all over the floor. Other people were shouting and screaming nonsenes words or talking to themselves. The nurses were nasty and did nothing, even when a patient grabbed me and groped me in front of them, they didnt' even tell him to stop and barely paid attention to what was happening. They didn't clean up the poo. They just stood around and gossiped, and got mad if anyone asked them for anything. The place was filthy, there were no groups or anything or counseling of any kind.

I had no rights. They said they could give me ECT and I couldn't refuse. They said they could send me to the state hospital and commit me long term. The state hospital is a hole. I have heard nightmare stories of beatings and rapes going on there, including knowing of people abused by the staff. The state has been fining them and trying to close them down for ages. Patients have been dying there, even. And people go in there and get worse and don't come out for years.

IF I even mention the word "suicide" at the emergency room, I will end up back there again and who knows how long they will keep me this time?
'
I would rather die a thousand times than go back to that place.

It is not an option.

 

[mont974x4]

How often do you see your counselor?
Would you be willing to PM me your location? Maybe I can help find other options for you get help?

 

[Bellicus]

Greywolf: I wish I had something I could say that would help you, but all I can say is that I care about you even if I don't know you. I wish with all my hearth (really i do) that you will find a way out of the situation you are in now. I just prayed for you.

 

[GreyWolf]

I see my counselor again in two weeks.

I will probably be ok. I really want to die, but I probably won't do it. I'll just keep distracting myself with things, maybe call friends, keep my mind of it...I'll try not to give in, although I want to.

I feel guilty for living, and I feel guilty for dying. I feel guilty for being dependent on so many people and being such a pathetic person, I feel guilty for being on this forum posting to people, but I also feel guilty killing myself and hurting others. I even feel sorry for the paramedics and people who would find me. I know they are pretty hardened, but still it might be upsetting for them.

I probably won't do it, not tonight. But I want to do it soon. I want to leave the pain I'm in and stop being pathetic. And I feel suicide is my destiny because I've been considering it for so long.

If I were to do it, though, I'd go to a motel where strangers would find me. Pills are too gentle, so I guess if I do it I'll use a noose. I'll put a black bag over my face so the person discovering it doesn't have to see how it- you know- looks, because that might be, you know,disturbing to them. If I were to do it, I would want to do it in a way that doesn't hurt anyone.

Don't post on this thread anymore. I don't deserve your concern. I don't deserve it.

 

[Bellicus]

I don't deserve your concern. I don't deserve it.

You deserve to feel that life is OK, just as much as the rest of us. There is nothing wrong in you explaining that you feel life hurts. I know that God loves you more then you can imagine, and that makes me concerned, cause I don't want you to miss that. I know there is better things for you in life then to end it in a cheap motel. I've been where you are, I've been thinking that I would have been better off dead, I have been looking into the face of death, but I promise you that I don't regret that I am alive today. And I know that you will see the same if you keep fighting now. I know that God loves you, and I know that there is lots of good people here that want to help you. I think you should say yes to those that wish to help and give you support in this time. You deserve to feel that life is worth living.

There is hope for you. There are better things in life. There are good things for you too. Those that would say something else would be lying.

 

[mont974x4]

God loves you and has people here that care about you and are praying for you. You are made in His image and are a precious person.

Do you know that God has a plan for you? That He has good works prepared for you to accomplish because you can help people, teach people? You have incredible worth.

 

[Jere209]

Oh sweetie..
my heart is with you. You have soooo much to live for. So many need you, I need you. You'd leave a huge hole in my heart if you ended your life. I know you are scared, I am scared too. I don't know what the future holds, but I have to trust. and until you are strong enough, I'll trust and believe for you. I've prayed for you, and held you daily in my heart. For you have a place there. Each time I see that little dinosaur I smile and think of you. Don't worry about tomorrow, honey, it will be ok.
love to you
Jere

 

[GreyWolf]

Thank you all for your support.

I just spent a little time with my sister. She was actually pretty upset because a guy she had a crush on is getting married, and the whole unrequited love thing. I was able to be there for her, and make her feel better. That made me feel better. Plus, we went to Borders and I got a few new books with a gift card I got for Christmas. I know its a silly little thing, but I'd kind of like to be around to read those books

I am going to do what I have to do to get through the night. I have a couple of friends I can talk to in addition to my sister. I will get through the night ok. My one friend is a night owl, I can probably talk to him late.

I'm going to be ok. I just have to work on taking suicide off the table as an option. I'm not strong enough to do that now. But I know I'm not alone. Your kindness has shown me that. I'm going to be ok for now at least.

I will post more later or tomorrow.

 

[Jere209]

does that tell you how I feel?
See .. You reached out to someone else and it felt good..
Love you honey

 

[Jere209]

oh, yeah. I got a couple of books too. The centurion's wife. By Janette Oke. she's trying her hand at Biblical fiction. That's what I love.

 

[dorig59]

First of all, I want to apologize for only coming here when I'm struggling. Please forgive me for not giving as much support as I ask for. Truth is, I was really bitter at Christians for a very long time, given that I had such a bad experience with the last church I was in.

Well, do to some mistakes on my part as well as circumstances beyond my control, I am in some serious dire straights financially. I had to borrow from various people (including taking chartiy from a church) to keep them from shutting off my electricity and heat. I even had to go on food stamps.

I feel like a leech, and it is especially hard to be indebted to a church.

So I have been contemplating suicide. I put a noose around my neck and pulled it tight yesterday to 'get the feel of it' and counted out sleeping pills, but sleeping pills are too painless- I feel I deserve to suffer. I also looked up information on different methods of suicide online. I looked up what dead bodies looked like so I could choose a method that wouldn't be too hard on the paramedics.

MY counselor says that suicide is a choice and not inevitable for me. She says I need to choose once and for all to reject it as an option. I'm trying, but its hard.

I could use some kind words and support. And suggestions on how to get through this and decide to live.

Everybody on here has been kind & supportive of you & that's great & I agree with them. But now I'm going to say something bluntly, just hear me out please. DON'T YOU DARE KILL YOURSELF! My daughter's 18 year old fiancee killed himself on oct. 2. There are not enough words in the english language to properly express the pain we have all been going thru. My daughter at the tender age of 17, just starting her life, I believe she will never be the same again. This whole thing is like a horrifying nightmare that never, ever ends, & I haven't even mentioned his poor parents & little brother,extended family & friends. Just don't do it. Get whatever kind of help you need, but don't put anyone else thru the kind of grief we've all been going thru & that will really never end for us.

 

[MI6]

First of all, I want to apologize for only coming here when I'm struggling. Please forgive me for not giving as much support as I ask for. Truth is, I was really bitter at Christians for a very long time, given that I had such a bad experience with the last church I was in.

Well, do to some mistakes on my part as well as circumstances beyond my control, I am in some serious dire straights financially. I had to borrow from various people (including taking chartiy from a church) to keep them from shutting off my electricity and heat. I even had to go on food stamps.

I feel like a leech, and it is especially hard to be indebted to a church.

So I have been contemplating suicide. I put a noose around my neck and pulled it tight yesterday to 'get the feel of it' and counted out sleeping pills, but sleeping pills are too painless- I feel I deserve to suffer. I also looked up information on different methods of suicide online. I looked up what dead bodies looked like so I could choose a method that wouldn't be too hard on the paramedics.

MY counselor says that suicide is a choice and not inevitable for me. She says I need to choose once and for all to reject it as an option. I'm trying, but its hard.

I could use some kind words and support. And suggestions on how to get through this and decide to live.

Hello Greywolf,
I can totally relate to your situation.

I really dont know the perfect answer to your situation. There's only one thing that I can do: turn to the Lord for help. I'll say a prayer for you.

 

[Alive again]

I am so glad to hear you will not make this coice. Please keep us informed, you have been thorugh so much. Hugs.