Things to talk about befor marriage

[OrangeHope]

O.k so my fiance and I have been engaged for a little over a month and we're getting married within 2-3 months (hopefully), we talk alot and are very open but there are some issues i'm a little shy of bringing up, i know they will come up in premarrital counsling but i think we should talk about them just the 2 of us first. the main issue is kids! i sort of want them, i mean some times i want them and some times i don't, though i have a feeling within a few years of marriage i'll want them maybe only one child and maybe even adopting if i don't want a biological child. we already talked about money, bank accounts, sex and the protection we'll be using once we get married. he says he doesn't want kids at the beginging of the marriage and so don't i and he said that in the end we'll have at least 2. but once when i brough the convo up of how we'd raise them he said "maybe we should talk about it when the time comes..." i don't know if i agree with talking about raising kids when the time comes cause we may be simiular in our thinking or totally different when it comes to raising them.

what do you guys think? should i just leave the issue alone? if not whats the best way to aproch the subject to him?

 

[JesusWasn'tWhite]

You need to talk about the kids thing.
How many?
When?
Planned?
How far apart?
Who stays home with the kids?
What happens when you're on maternity leave?
How to afford them?
How to raise them?
Who disciplines?
How much to spend on them?
Who pays for college?
Do they get to be given everything they want?
What kind of activities?

My fiance and I have talked about all these things, and it's really helpful to know what the other person thinks, especially way out in advance. We don't want to have kids until later in our relationship, but that doesn't mean that we should wait until we want to have kids to talk about raising them!

The best way to talk to him is to let him know that you want to talk about it sometime. If he's the kind of guy who needs some time to think about things before you discuss them, ask him when he'd like to sit down and talk about this stuff. You could bring it up like this, "hey honey, I know we've talked about how we're going to try to *prevent kids from happening (ie: your mode of protection), but I think we should talk about stuff like: what if we get pregnant sooner than we'd like?, etc., etc., etc..
He needs to know that these are issues that need to be addressed *before* you get married. Not that those sorts of things are necessarily deal breakers, but so you have more time to get to know one another's ideas of child-bearing and child-raising before reality really hits you.
Marriage is something you can't be overprepared for.

 

[OrangeHope]

Thanks! thats great advice! I'll try talking to him tonight at dinner since our roomates will be out!

 

[lovesbrightpink]

I would talk about everything and anything! seriously. Sometimes I will see something and I just ask him what we would do in that situation. if that makes sense. I want to make sure that if something came up after we are married that we are on the same page. We talk about kids, money, my schooling. Everything. We are waiting to have kids until I am out of school. I see it as the more you ask and talk about now, the less you will fight about after being married.

 

[JesusWasn'tWhite]

Did you talk to him?
How'd it go?

 

[ARainySeptember]

Don't forget about finances! That's a big one that people forget. Who'll plan the budget? How much are you willing to spend on a house? On extras? Will you be saving? What % of your income do you want to save? How will you save vs. invest it? Who'll have the most money -- will you share one checking account or will you have two? If you have two, will both parties have equal access to the other? When will you start planning for retirement? Do you want to save up money for vacations? Or a new car? What will you do if a big sudden expense comes up? Would it ever be okay to borrow money from the family? (parents etc. Some spouses are NOT okay with that). Basically the money issue is a never ending story -- but one that is crucial and many people forget about and I've heard its the cause of most stress in a marriage.

 

[cookiesandmilk]

You need to put everything out on the table now! All the details about raising children should be discussed, fiance and I even make up scenarios about potential issues with our kids to see where each of us would stand; a tattoo for instance, or wanting to date someone much older. It's very important that you discuss the hypotheticals now before they become a reality and you both discover you're playing for different teams. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and frustration!

 

[OrangeHope]

thanks guys! we talked about all those things, i made a long list and we went one by one and had a nice chat

 

[Tuffguy]

How do you say "yes" w/o talking this stuff out first?

Make sure to communicate better in the future about everything!

 

[OrangeHope]

^well we did talk about this stuff here and there, but pretty breefly...lame i know....even after we talked about all those thing we still continue to talk if some thing else we think of pops up.