The waves, psychosomosis

[Dewi Sant]

hello.

I am feeling the onset of depression again.

This has been going on for a long time and I did not have a good formation as a young adult.
Because of the nature of my prospective career, it would be not be good for me to find any help (lest anything go on a record).


Is it usual to feel a wave of drunkeness and despair?
I do not feel far from depression, ever.
I have got pretty good at hiding it from people. Infact, unless people speak without me knowing (which is pretty feasible), I think I probably come across as fairly normal, if not slightly eccentric (smokescreen tactics).

Anxiety?
most probably.


Life has been hard for me and though I do not doubt that God (distant and petty though He seems) has my life planned, the present moment hardly gives much consolation.

I just know to wait through the storms.



This message has been severely edited before being posted because the nature of this kind of depression means that I do nto wish to share anything. Rather, just sending out signals/

 

[nebulaJP]

You have to be aware of awareness and accept acceptance. Do you accept acceptance? Look at something in the room around you. Don't judge it, don't label it, don't evaluate it, just observe it. Do you accept it? Its existence is a reality so why not accept it? If you don't accept it, you are going against the flow and will fall into a depression.

The same is true of any thoughts or memories or pain you are aware of. If you don't accept it as it is you will have a hard time.

 

[Spunkn]

If you bury it for so long, it will come out eventually. Things that we ignore, and try to shove away, don't just go away. It comes back. I know this, because that's what I tried to do for so many years. At some point you have to acknowledge it and deal with it. Whether that means seeking professional help, getting on some medication, or just having God help you deal with it. It's not just something that will go away.

 

[Jeshu]

The problem with repression is that it comes back with a vengeance. One day you will not be able to pretend any longer and then your whole world will cave in - this is what happened to me so I know how much that hurts.

Be careful and take good care of yourself.

 

[Dewi Sant]

Thank you.

I just hope I can hold out for a few years further till I am in stable employment. Then it'll be easier to take the risks of actually getting help.

Unless I gain a friend who can give me good advice.

It isn't too bad, but enough to keep me in bed till the afternoon.
Anxiety really. But yeah, flashbacks. Matched with an inquisitive mind, not great.

 

[redblue22]

ah, you don't want to get help that might help you in your career because that help might keep you from succeeding in your career.

and you don't want to write anything here. and you hide from people there. worry about what people might see when they see you.

but just a little possible anxiety. and you want to wait it out just a little longer. wait to get a good job, it will all go away, get help then maybe.

now, since you are just being foggy, I have no idea. but I know when I say these things I'm usually feeling a lot of paranoia, distrust of others, and a lot of fear something bad is going to happen.

 

[Dewi Sant]

I can see where you are getting that impression from.

It is an unfortunate fact that in the UK employers and academic institutes have access to health records and may use any number of things to choose one candidate over another.

Unemployment is very high at the moment and unless one is absolutely desperate for money, it simply isn't worth looking for work.

Not so sure paranoia as I have never had difficulty seeing things from a much greater perspective than mine own. An over-awareness and evaluation of situations, yes.
Lack of trust, quite likely too. A catchphrase through my youth and early adulthood was "trust no-one". It featured in everything from cartoons, to art, to music, through to cinema; saturating popular culture.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer etc...

As for waiting for a good job, that is completely subjective and a classic delaying tactic.
Happiness is fleeting and should be enjoyed while it lasts.
State of mind is everything where a job is concerned. I do not have much experience in the workplace (national unemployment), but I gather enough from experience to know that the ideal/good job is more of a utopia than any actual possibility.

It would be possible to diagnose myself with many diseases and philsophical 'isms, but essentially I do not believe that is necessary.

All I can say is that, at the time of writing the above, I felt every word.
Now I am feeling better, but I am perfectly aware that another time will come.
It is more a matter of learning to cope with things and to keep up pretenses. The art of living is to reveal only that which is of benefit. I have always been a believer in 'warts and all'...not something society at large is able to understand. I do not pretend to be better than others, or to be privileged in any real fashion. Patriotism for anything from sports team to nation never interested me. And I never claim to be the best at anything. Perhaps if I were to inflate a sense of arrogance, it may be possible to experience life in a more usual manner.

On a side note, existentialist philosophy is probably not the best reading material at the moment

 

[nebulaJP]

On a side note, existentialist philosophy is probably not the best reading material at the moment

You can't sense the peace of the Holy Spirit in the past or future, only right now. And you can't understand it with your mind because it's beyond the mind. It can only be sensed by awareness (spirit).

 

[redblue22]

Ah. that makes sense. Unemployment is bad in my state. It is work or starve and work is hard for many to find.

As they say, you're not paranoid if they really are out to get you. (or vice versa) I get paranoia and have survivor skills, so I have to struggle for some reality testing to know what is actually unsafe versus just paranoia or trauma I haven't dealt with.

Mental health in my state has changed recently to being secret. It is very hard to get thrown in the mental hospital--because the government is refusing to help those with mental health problems anymore. If you are hospitalized, they can't tell your family even if they ask. People have no idea where you are. Religious and mental health schools can no longer test people to screen out those they deem unfit. They still give the tests to "help guide" the student after acceptance, but near impossible to throw them out. New professors will simply tell the students with problems to not tell others--especially since the old professors who used to screen people are still running things. It can be confusing because it is hard to know what not to say when others are so open, part of training is working on issues, and sometimes you cannot help but react to a topic or question. So you figure out who has problems anyway by repeated exposure to seeing how someone might respond to something as simple as which issues they react to. Still, so long as you don't say it, no one knows for sure. And mental health workers are definitely not mind readers. They have ideas, but they could just as well be lost in the snow.

Another bug is that mental health is legally secret, but insurance companies want to know what they are being billed for. Or if you need to use a mental health excuse for school or work, they want some proof. Mental health workers are trained to be vague and lie lie lie. Professors don't say "lie" they'll set up situations where everyone knows the right answer is to lie. But a mental health worker is the second to last person I would trust anyway, except when I have to have to use their services. (the conservatives and most of the religious would be first.) They are almost all a bunch of judgmental jerks who make stigma worse--but there are those rare exceptions worth looking for. Books and support groups are safer. Companies will use tests that "could be" interpreted from a mental health perspective--but supposedly are not--to "help" their workers use their skills. Companies used to be very much on the employees side and offer counseling to actually help during crisis. Some companies valued their workers like family. Now they have psychologists only for the purpose of getting around the equality laws and avoiding insurance. So, it is still best to keep one's mental health secret to oneself. Even telling the wrong person with no power can make things hell in social groups. And most of the older generation and family still see things through the old way. Movies throughout the last 50 years are probably the biggest advertisement of stigma.

Am I being paranoid? Well, no, not if everything I just said is true. The problem with real paranoia is that I might screen out the things I should tell and tell the things I would be safer keeping secret. Abuse victims have that problem for example. If I don't share, then it feels shaming, but if I do tell, then other might shame and reject. People here will act all accepting of mental health as if it were just diabetes--because that is the latest popular trend--but that is bull underneath. The mentally ill are getting tired of stigma and are starting to organize and fight back--but they have trouble because the socially acceptable mental do not want to stick up for the socially unacceptable. That is hard though, because it means finding supporters and also putting mentally illl people in unique positions. Like mental health workers who are themselves treated for mental illness who aren't completely disabled. So, we have equality laws to allow the mentally ill to study mental health.

Unemployment, extreme watchfulness, subculture of distrust, rules like "trust no one" would make things seem paranoid--but not without reason. Sounds like you see it simple things you have to do to survive in the world you live. Makes sense within a certain world. If were an abuse victim, I would change to have survival skills. If I were at war, I would change to survive. If I grew up in the ghetto, I would have certain survival skills. But at some point I will be safe again and it will be hard to turn those off. Kindof like a guy we knew who came from a very dangerous city. Our city was safe, but he would not get a beer with us because he was used to the idea of going out might mean not coming home that night. He later moved to another place that we all knew was very dangerous, but since he saw the whole world as dangerous he didn't really notice. Something like PTSD can make life hell. (not saying that is your thing, just rambling)

Existentialism can make for troublesome reading. For some reason they just don't mind crossing rules of language and logic and epistemology. I always feel like I'm reading statistics where they mislead to begin with and then somewhere in a proof I miss the fact that they are dividing by zero to create a lot of fun, depression, fear, and madness.

 

[Jeshu]

.....

On a side note, existentialist philosophy is probably not the best reading material at the moment

You could read some of Kierkegaard's stuff he came up with some interesting stuff.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/soren_kierkegaard.html

 

[NatethaGreat]

You can't sense the peace of the Holy Spirit in the past or future, only right now. And you can't understand it with your mind because it's beyond the mind. It can only be sensed by awareness (spirit).

if you think about the future too much you will worry, if you think about the past you will feel those memories as if they actually exist. But remember those past memories do not exist anymore. A healthy mind thinks and focuses on the present. It's ok to think about the past or future but do not make it an obsession. Use your self awareness skills!!! it helped me

 

[NatethaGreat]

Thank you.

I just hope I can hold out for a few years further till I am in stable employment. Then it'll be easier to take the risks of actually getting help.

Unless I gain a friend who can give me good advice.

It isn't too bad, but enough to keep me in bed till the afternoon.
Anxiety really. But yeah, flashbacks. Matched with an inquisitive mind, not great.

Don't let past memories haunt you. If you are more aware and focus on the present, those flashbacks won't enter your mind. if they do just focus harder on the present and your self awareness. Remember you can help yourself out by doing this. Don't let anxiety rule you or control what you do in life because if it is, your losing your self awareness (the ability to control thoughts and emotions). Practice self awareness so you can control your emotions better.

 

[redblue22]

to original question, yes, my thoughts and feelings do affect my body.

just out of curiosity, are you welsh?

 

[Dewi Sant]

the posts have been very interesting!
Thanks.


I have close cultural ties with Wales and a special part of my heart is forever associated with that place. Biologically, nope, I ain't Welsh.
As it is, I am on the other side of Offa's Dyke.

It's horrid how thoughts affect the body. I managed to create a link between certain academic essays and absolute sickness. The brain is a powerful thing, easy to programme, difficult to de-bug.

 

[Jeshu]

the posts have been very interesting!
Thanks.


I have close cultural ties with Wales and a special part of my heart is forever associated with that place. Biologically, nope, I ain't Welsh.
As it is, I am on the other side of Offa's Dyke.

It's horrid how thoughts affect the body. I managed to create a link between certain academic essays and absolute sickness. The brain is a powerful thing, easy to programme, difficult to de-bug.

A really nice little book that helps you a lot de-bugging the brain is called "Who Switched Off My Brain, controlling toxic thoughts and emotions.", by Dr Caroline Leaf. (Get the Revised Edition.)

I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles with depressive thoughts or is looking at reprogramming their brain into a positive force.

Special Guest: Dr. Caroline Leaf Part 1 - YouTube

 

[RuthD]

Praying for you. Happy Easter.

 

[Chaplain David]

hello.

I am feeling the onset of depression again.

This has been going on for a long time and I did not have a good formation as a young adult.
Because of the nature of my prospective career, it would be not be good for me to find any help (lest anything go on a record).


Is it usual to feel a wave of drunkeness and despair?
I do not feel far from depression, ever.
I have got pretty good at hiding it from people. Infact, unless people speak without me knowing (which is pretty feasible), I think I probably come across as fairly normal, if not slightly eccentric (smokescreen tactics).

Anxiety?
most probably.


Life has been hard for me and though I do not doubt that God (distant and petty though He seems) has my life planned, the present moment hardly gives much consolation.

I just know to wait through the storms.



This message has been severely edited before being posted because the nature of this kind of depression means that I do nto wish to share anything. Rather, just sending out signals/

Hello,

Depression is a medical condition and if left untreated, can wreak all kinds of havoc including suicide in some people. Please seek help for it from a licensed mental health caregiver and your doctor. God bless you.

 

[Krissy Cakes]

Praying for you!