<Grin>
I still insist on "different" rather than "deviant" (for most purposes)
I may well conform to social norms, out of courtesy, or convenience.
If I do I'm not conforming because I am "deviant" and need to correct my lack of being "normal".
I didn't realize that the word "deviant" had an inherent negative connotation when using this particular contextual definition of it.
I can "do" normal eye contact, but I'd prefer not to...
But often I go outside my comfort zone so other people can stay within theirs, on this.[/QUOTE]
I am actually mostly unable to hold eye contact, as if my eye muscles fight my efforts to do so. I mostly just give the illusion of it by staring at the forehead between the eyes and right above them.
Something I put togehter a few years ago.
Fishpaste world..... where nearly everyone puts fishpaste on their toast at breakfast.
A few very odd people seem to prefer marmalade.
This tends to provoke a reaction over the breakfast table.
Things like: "Yuck! Disgusting! They shouldn't be allowed at the table until they can eat properly."
"It's just not acceptable! Why would anyone want to spread marmalade on their toast?"
Others, with more kindly intent, try to help these individuals gradually come to learn to put fishpaste on their toast, with practice sessions and fishpaste games.
They are worried that if those with the marmalade habit do not learn to put fishpaste on their toast they will miss so many of the wonderfully nuanced tastes and flavours that everyone else enjoys.
They also know that, unfortunate though it is, ostracism, ridicule and more is likely to be the lot in the world-at-large for those who reach for the marmalade at breakfast, and that learning to keep this quirk well-hidden is the route to social progress.
Surely once they have got used to it, they will prefer fishpaste anyway...Or at least accept it out of habit.
Whatever it tastes like to them.
Welcome to fishpaste world.
Your example here is, while not surprising or necessarily unwarranted, stacked against those that prefer fishpaste. You neglect to acknowledge that the "marmalade people" (the representation of those that are autistic) not only are often intolerant of those different from themselves, but from personal experience, generally have less tolerance than the average neurotypical person. For example, I find people singing along with music, regardless as to how well they sing, as intolerable as nails on a chalkboard. Most perfumes make me gag and choke when I smell them. Most of my issues are not in that I have "different" habits from other people, but that I can't stand common habits that other people have. Having the sensory integration problems that many autistic people have, some of these habits can cause physical agony beyond the reasonable scope of human sympathy for those without these problems. But it isn't just that neurotypical people cannot see the world from an autistic person's perspective; given that autism is, at its core, a social disorder, many autistic people have trouble understanding things from a typical person's perspective. My theory of mind is measurably worse than that of a 5 year old neurotypical child. These skills are not taught, but learned naturally for most, and there isn't much that can be done beyond developing ways to work around the weaknesses as best as I can.
But to be frankly honest, I don't give a crap if my habits bother neurotypical people. The only reason I even try to pass as "normal" is because it makes my life harder to just be my weird self, and deal with the consequences, to the point that it is unrealistic for me to hold a job. I'm at the far end of the "can function within society with a lot of effort", as in, I am about as severe as a person can be and still hope to have a CHANCE of being able to survive independently. Any time I forget to maintain my behavior and carefully monitor it with a lot of conscious effort, I run the risk of offending people. Heck, I have made adults cry unintentionally. Do you honestly think it is fair to be critical of people for not being accepting of my natural inclinations when they cause emotional harm to others, regardless as to whether or not I intend to do it? Knowing I don't mean to make them feel bad doesn't usually help people feel all that much better.
"One of the major problems with neurotypicals is that they have a remarkable intolerance of difference and expect everyone to accept the same culture and conventions, yet, as humans, we have always progressed by being different."
Professor Tony Attwood. (personal communication, but with permission to quote)
Nearly everyone is intolerant of "different from themselves" to some degree, even if they internalize it. Have you ever been to a forum aimed at autistic people, such as Wrong Planet? The rate of people getting offended on that site rivals that of this one, and taboo subjects such as religion are not even a major feature of it. The problem isn't just that autistic people such as myself are "different", but the problem lies in how we are different. While being autistic and adapting to society is hard, that is not an excuse for bashing people because they feel uncomfortable when I pace around in a circle, or feel insulted when I won't shake their hand, or bring up subjects that aren't appropriate. It is perfectly reasonable for them to be scared by the fact that I pull my hair out of stress, or hit myself repeatedly in the head out of frustration as hard as I can (a childhood habit I no longer have, but upset instructors greatly). I distracted the class and compromised their education with my issues. I dare you to come up with a defense for tolerating self harm habits like those.
Consider this: people might go "yuck" for food preferences, but in the real world, you aren't going to see a lot of discrimination because of those minor details. Sometimes, it is justified to be intolerant of autistic people for their behaviors. It isn't an easy issue to deal with, determining how much people should be lenient because of a social disorder, and how much they should put their foot down. But going all out one way or the other is going to cause problems for some people, but going all out hard hurts the smallest number of the extremes. I certainly would not want people to think my hitting people for cutting in the lunch line was ok because I had a social disorder that made me intolerant of even the slightest bit of rule-breaking (I did it to people cutting behind me along with those cutting in front of me).
A lot of the antisocial behaviors associated with autism are recognizably harmful, and should not be tolerated. This isn't a world that hasn't been made for me, I am a person not well-made to function in this world, and my incentive to get better is consequences to the antisocial behaviors that I have. We don't need more acceptance, we need people to know what having the disorder means, and how best to help us adapt.