The time has come.

[C-Man]

to say goodbye.

There is nothing for me in this life. My sins and mistakes have destroyed any chance for any sort of useful life. Even Jesus Himself has abandoned me, because there is no hope for me any longer. I am literally less than penniless, soon to be on the street with no one to help me out, and am physically disabled to the point that there are very few jobs I can do, and none that I qualify for. And, nobody seems to care.

I brought all these things on myself, and tried my best to right them, but without any measure of success. I always fall victim to my own weaknesses and the devil's influence. Now, there is no point in trying, as there is nothing more I can do.

My prayers have all gone unanswered. I even tried to drive to church today to pray. As I was driving up, the electric gate was closing. What irony. Every church around here is locked up. I can't even ask a pastor for advice; not that it would matter anyway, now that I think about it.

<edit>

This place has a lot of things going for it, and some bad things. If I may leave a final piece of advice: stop fighting amongst yourselves. It's pointless, and only invites satan in.

The mods will probably delete this topic. I'd rather they didn't. It should serve as a message of how not to lead your life. It seems that the mercy of God is indeed finite, and I've been tossed to the wolves for my sins. Don't let the same thing happen to yourselves.

 

[Philothei]

Hi C-man,

Just read your post and wanted to let you know that not all is lost! I liked what you said about not fighting among ourselves as it is pointless and only invites satan in. Very wise advice and all!

Maybe things will look up and will change with the help from God Do not give up! You might feel differently tomorrow as life is indeed full of surprises and God never left us! He sent His Son and the Holy Spirit to take care of us to comfort us!

You are loved and prayed by many here on CF! May the good Lord who is our Saviour and Lord guide you and hold you at this time of your need! We all need Him and each other! We are here to support you and pray with you!

hugs and love!!!!

Philothei

 

[Bluelion]

Have you reached out to your local church for help. Have you applied for disability? Don't give up. Jesus said we must never give up. You seem tore down. I suspect you are right where God wants you. Maybe you had pride that was my problem and i lost everything and was homeless. God was always there as he is now. He protected me and provided for me, as he still does. He lead me away from that suffering, and now I have a wife and family. Funny thing is God has used me to take care of other people. It's funny because I could not even take care of my self. But that is just like our Father in Heaven, He takes the least of us, the most unlikely, and puts us in positions of great importance.

If your struggling with sin please pray about it, try not to sin best you can, and if you do spend twice as much time in God's word and worshiping, and praying to God. This way you can off set the penalty of sin. We are forgiven yes, but sin has a price. mainly it puts up walls between us and God. If you walk in Gods will you will be blessed. You might have addictions and not be able to stop on your own, but trust God and remember what ever time you spend sinning do twice as much walking in Gods will. I am not saying it is ok to sin, but we all do and struggle with it.

God has not left you, he will never leave if you love him in your heart. He even said so, promised us even.

praying for you

 

[Emmy]

Dear C-Man. You have not tried Jesus`s advice for us. It is simple and straightforward. Love God and love your neighbour. Start with treating all you know and all you meet, friends and not friends, treat them as YOU would want to be treated, with kindness and always friendly words. You will find that people will treat you the same as you treat people, and God will see and Bless you. God is Love, and Satan and all his followers will flee from the least sign of Love or Compassion. A Christian`s great weapon is Love, love will overcome all enmity and wrong behaviour, AND Satan and his hordes will
abhor and flee from you. There is nothing greater than Love and Compassion to make friends and have friends, as well as keeping Satan and all satanic beings far away from everybody/everything kind and loving.
I say this with love, C-Man. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[C-Man]

I'm still alive, for the time being. For various reasons, I couldn't go through with it. Mainly I didn't have access to the means, but I also just....couldn't.

In answer to the above question, yes, I have applied for disability. No word yet.

Over the last month, I was beginning to feel better, a lot better. In fact, I was almost normal. That was, until this morning. I had the worst migraine headache I've had in a long time. Every muscle in my body was as tight as a snare drum. Now, I've got the old creeping numbness and shaking that I had when this first started, along with the bizarre hypersensitivity inside of me.

Going to the doctor is not an option, as I have no money and no more medical insurance remaining. Besides, I doubt they could do any more for me. If it weren't for my aunt, I'd be on the street, collapsed in a gutter somewhere. All I can do is suffer.

And it seems every time I've prayed for relief it's gotten worse almost instantly. This is why I said in my first post that it feels like Jesus abandoned me. Honestly, it's no worse than I deserve.

I am desperately hoping that this is just an aftereffect of the migraine and that I'll be okay later today or tomorrow. Because I am simply incapable of living through that agony again. Neurological symptoms are some of the worst in the world, especially when no drugs, no laying in the bed, nothing helps. It can make it almost impossible not to be a miserable, misanthropic bum, but I'm trying my best.

Thank you, everybody, so much for your kind words. I honestly can't say if I'm going to stick around this world or not, it is so agonizing, both physically and mentally. I will say, that I will try.

Please pray for me, and pray that I keep the will and strength to do what the Lord wants me to do. And pray that I can get back to normal, and get my life back.



EDIT: I have to confess this in some way or another. If I told my family, I'd be alienated for sure, and probably tossed out on my butt. Jesus knows all about it, but it's still eating at me, and I have to tell someone.

When I mentioned my weaknesses, that was a very vague term for a very foul sin. I've been addicted to pornography in some fashion or another since I was in my teens. And I mean really bad stuff too. I'll spare you all the exact details, but suffice it to say, it isn't pretty. I've prayed and desperately tried to stop, don't know how many times. I've always been too ashamed to seek out a support group, and I know full well the kind of reaction my family would have. They wouldn't even want to hear it, and if they did, they would never look at me the same way again.

I'm not sure if it was that addiction that caused this condition, though it certainly didn't help any. My girlfriend knows I looked at it before, but not now. There's no way I could look her in the eye and tell her.

At any rate, the parts are pretty much all broken now because of this condition, so it's a moot point. I never, ever want to see that stuff again for the rest of my life. I know what it does to people, both the ones that shoot it and the ones that watch it.

It's been a bit since I made the post, and it looks like I've had a relapse in this condition. It's hard to type, and I can't eat anything because my insides feel so bad. It's a terrible sensation to be able to feel your own innards sliding around inside you. I'm afraid to say that it doesn't seem as bad as the very first time it happened, because it will get that bad if I do say it.

I am so desperately afraid right now. There is no way I can fully describe the way it feels, and I would not wish it on anyone, not even Hitler if he was alive.

Is there any love out there for a loser like me? I know I don't deserve it, but it's the only thing that's keeping me going.

 

[bobbarry]

I will help you c-man. Please dont do anything stupid. Don't you know people in your position/circumstances are the very people jesus was/is searching for, it ...he's going to use you my friend porn addiction or not. First can i ask you if you read the bible...how long...when was the last time you read it etc etc.

 

[C-Man]

I have read the Bible, cover to cover. I don't read it as much as I really want to, though. I have a lot of trouble retaining anything that I read.

 

[bobbarry]

Stop it, dont read it anymore. But start praying right now, earnestly for the holy spirit, constantly asking again and again for it. When that spirit comes it's going to blow you open. It's going to make every bit of struggle you have had in your life worth it. As much as the good people above are well meaning, everything they've told you to do, you've probably tried and your still where you are. ps you will read the bible after you've got the holy spirit but not until it hits you and you'll know when it hits you. Start now, have you read the bible recently...the last day or that??

 

[Willie T]

Have you painted a few rooms for your aunt? Made some repairs around her house? Cleaned that house for her? Washed the dishes, or cooked for her?

There's still a lot for you to do on this Earth... and that is just at one house.

A teacher once told me when I was moping around, feeling sorry for myself because my girlfriend had contracted MS.

"To be happy, just forget about YOU."

 

[C-Man]

Well, painting and most any repairs not involving a light bulb are too much labor to handle, and there's none needed at the moment anyway. Before I got hurt and had to move in here, I did paint the ceilings in the back half of the house, and all of her bedroom. And I put in some A/C units.

But I do clean, wash the dishes, and cook(I guess you can call it cooking. There's a pot, ingredients, and something resembling a meal on the table when I'm done).

 

[ThisBrotherOfHis]

Well, painting and most any repairs not involving a light bulb are too much labor to handle, and there's none needed at the moment anyway.

Have you recently read the story of the healing at Bethesda in John's gospel? What did the lame man say when Jesus asked, "Do you want to be healed?"

John 5, (NASB)7 The sick man answered Him, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me."
​

That was an excuse. That's what you're making. Please take no offense, but if you've done all you can in your aunt's house, find someone else to "do" for, ask your church for a list. Sure, you may be limited, but you can still "do" and there are people (like your aunt) who can't "do" as you can.

Secondly, you might note how I've put "do" in quotation marks. I want to call your attention to the fact you are finding identity in what you "do." But we aren't "human doings." We are "human beings" who are just supposed to "be" in Christ, however that interprets in each of our lives. So "be" in Christ, "do" what you can for others, to serve them, and Him.

God bless.

 

[bobbarry]

This is why i completely disagree with everything you've said in the other thread the brother of his in reply to me. The man has come forward saying he's finished, he's had enough, he's ready for suicide and our answers are paint your aunts house. I would love to see someone back in jesus's time come to him and ask for help and he replied with go and paint your aunts house. No offence intended.

It just wouldn't have happened, you people dont have faith in what jesus can actually do and he preached on faith as much as any topic when he was here.

When will jesus help when the poor man has had enough and killed himself?? There's not even compassion for him here, it's i m sorry to hear that, dont give up, paint your aunts house, it's your own fault for not helping out more.

Jesus can completely turn this man's life upside down and it wont be by painting his aunts house or anything else like that i can guarantee you that.

No offence intended

 

[godenver1]

C-man..i can't say I've been in your position.

However if you truly want to break this porn addiction you may need help. Have you gotten to church since your original post?

These things take humility. It may seem scary to approach a pastor, or an elder, or a support group..but in this situation I'd recommend it.

I doubt a loving family would turn from their child.

Psalm 27:10 - Even if my father and mother abandoned me, the Lord would take me in.

also, if your physical condition is still bad, it's worth mentioning that to the pastor, also.

 

[bobbarry]

C-man do exactly as i ve told you. Jesus isn't concerned about your porn addiction, he is concerned about baptising you in the holy spirit and making you born again tho... porn will be the last thing on your mind after that. You would have to force yourself to watch it instead of forcing yourself to not watch it. You've tried the other ways/many many other people have tried the other ways too ...

You'll approach the pastor/elder or support group but you wont get lasting results from them, you'll maybe beat your porn addiction for a time or maybe forever but it will come out in other ways...you need to be born again by jesus who loves you and died for you, you ever wondered about the abundant life jesus spoke of...