The silence of God or "when is enough really enough?"

[GREG]

Hey, I really appreciate the support. The only thing is I think you guys are overreacting a little. I don't feel like my life is in danger. And telling my parents is not an easy feat-- they LOVE him and he is perfect. I mean he is on his best behavior around others... its horrible, no one would believe me anyway on anything. All they would know is that I am a cheating jerk. This is why I cannot leave. But really, things must get better.

Gosh I could only hope so. It isnt healthy at all. want proof, get video of him going nuts and show him. Let him know if this is how he wants to spend the rest of your lives. Life isnt in danger until to late. Your parents must know something. I will be prayin for you

Greg

 

[salsa]

He has one of those personalities that doesn't deal with problems just ignores them. So all is calm until BANG whoa, where did that come from? Last night he got mad and slammed the door and broke one of my picture frames. But hey, he was then "away" from me...

 

[Flipper]

Hey, I really appreciate the support. The only thing is I think you guys are overreacting a little. I don't feel like my life is in danger. And telling my parents is not an easy feat-- they LOVE him and he is perfect. I mean he is on his best behavior around others... its horrible, no one would believe me anyway on anything. All they would know is that I am a cheating jerk. This is why I cannot leave. But really, things must get better.

So spend every waking minute together in public? I don't think that will work very well.

If you think your family is going to judge you on that mistake over his hitting you, then you don't need to go to them about this. Maybe your family deserves more credit? Regardless, there are many agencies that can help you and would negate the need of involving your parents or anyone else.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't deserve to be in that environment.

 

[wonder111]

Hey, I really appreciate the support. The only thing is I think you guys are overreacting a little. I don't feel like my life is in danger. And telling my parents is not an easy feat-- they LOVE him and he is perfect. I mean he is on his best behavior around others... its horrible, no one would believe me anyway on anything. All they would know is that I am a cheating jerk. This is why I cannot leave. But really, things must get better.

I agree you don't deserve to be in that kind of environment, nobody does. Remember that your strength comes from God and that is powerful. Don't worry what others believe and think, this is between you and God first and foremost.
He will strengthen you beyond what you can imagine.

keep the faith!

 

[salsa]

I've read some of the other forums on here and how they feel about divorcees. And I know how people treat them in real life too, Christians in particular. It doesn't matter the circumstances of the marriage.

I don't want to let down my family... right now I feel nothing for my husband. I am just trying to focus on working at my job and the classes I am in.

 

[Flipper]

Salsa, I'm a Christian - do you see me judging you? I also did not say for you to divorce him. I'm saying that the person needs a wake up call - big time. He stopped honoring you much longer before you stopped honoring him. He put something else before you which to me is the same as adultry. If counselling (even if it is just for you because he refuses) does not help, then you are perfectly justified to help yourself and get out of the marriage. You are letting down your family by not taking care of yourself - it is extremely unhealthy for you to be in a situation where he can go and hit you at any time. The nerves alone can cause high blood pressure and a myriad of other things. If he doesn't kill you, you'll have a heart attack.

 

[desi]

Salsa, you cheat on him, the only thing Jesus says justifys divorce, and he keeps you? You should thank you lucky stars and strive to be a better wife. It sounds like your husband is quite forgiving of your indiscretions, more than I would be if my wife strayed.

 

[cas_mason]

Desi, you call yourself a christian?????
If your wife started hittting you with the frying pan all the time just because she felt like it, how would that make you feel??? That is just callious. No-one deserves to be beaten and live their life in fear. This kind of attitude gives christians a bad name. I hope if you ever have a daughter and she gets married that you will not turn her back on her and say well your in their for life, have a tub of cream for the pain!!!!!!!! I pray for everyone who lives a life of hell because I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

[Flipper]

Salsa, you cheat on him, the only thing Jesus says justifys divorce, and he keeps you? You should thank you lucky stars and strive to be a better wife. It sounds like your husband is quite forgiving of your indiscretions, more than I would be if my wife strayed.

It is because of people like you that spousal abuse is the number 1 non-medical cause of death to women every year.

 

[desi]

It is because of people like you that spousal abuse is the number 1 non-medical cause of death to women every year.

That's probably the dumbest thing anyone has ever said about me. I am not for spouse abuse and I do not abuse my wife. If someone abused my daughters when they grow up and I found out, I would get some relatives together and abuse them until they see the error of their ways.

 

[desi]

Desi, you call yourself a christian?????
If your wife started hittting you with the frying pan all the time just because she felt like it, how would that make you feel??? That is just callious. No-one deserves to be beaten and live their life in fear. This kind of attitude gives christians a bad name. I hope if you ever have a daughter and she gets married that you will not turn her back on her and say well your in their for life, have a tub of cream for the pain!!!!!!!! I pray for everyone who lives a life of hell because I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The Bible defines our views as Christians. I suggest you read what it says about when divorce is acceptable before you ignorantly comment on it.

 

[Flipper]

That's probably the dumbest thing anyone has ever said about me. I am not for spouse abuse and I do not abuse my wife. If someone abused my daughters when they grow up and I found out, I would get some relatives together and abuse them until they see the error of their ways.

Her husband beats her and you tell her she should stay and be happy? Because she made a mistake are you saying that she deserves to be beaten???

 

[cas_mason]

Desi, so you think that it's justified to use violence against violence. A good couple of men to give him a good thrashing, obviously there would be no chancing of you losing the fight then!? All I can say, is.. Is that what Jesus would do???

 

[~Wisdom Seeker~]

My personal ideology is that people will treat you the way that you will accept. You don't deserve to be physically harmed in any way. Nobody does. No one should ever think it's okay to lay an angry hand on you, ever. If you allow it to go on, it's like you're saying " you have my permission" And I don't think you're really saying that. I think you're doing what I did and rationalizing it.

My father beat my mother until she left him. Then her next husband beat her until she left him. Then when I got married, I married a man who in the end started hurting me. They call that paterning behavior. I, after trying everything else, divorced him. But I stayed with him for 8 years before that. In the end, He tried to strangle me in the garage of our apartment in front of all the neighbors, who didn't lift a finger to help me by the way, and I blacked out. I never thought he would go that far until he did. And that was the day that I knew that allowing it to continue would probably end in my death.

Now, I'm not saying that your experience is anything like mine. I'm just trying to tell you that I understand. And being the granddaughter of a Pastor, I had a lot of the same concerns. It broke my heart to divorce my first husband. And I thought it would break my families heart too. But they surprised me. Even being as religious as our family is...they helped me through it. It still makes me sad to think about it and it was 12 years ago. I hope you find comfort in my story.

The penalty for divorce without the cause of fornication is that if you ever have another relationship with a man you will be committing the sin of adultery. And if you've already had an affair, then you've already committed that sin. I know that God can and will forigive you of that or any sin...because the Bible says that God will forgive anything you ask him to save one thing and that is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit...the only unpardonable sin according to the Bible.

And as far as what other people think? People are always stating their opinion like it has some bearing on your life, but it doesn't. You're the one who has to live this life. Listen to your heart. And pray for guidance. And know that no matter what anyone says, God loves you.

I just prayed for you.

 

[Karl - Liberal Backslider]

I know some believe that the only reasons for divorce is infidelity or the spouse isn't Christian. Those were clarifications that Christ provided of the Old Testament.

According to the Old Testament (I can't remember the reference right now) divorce is permissible if something is found to be indecent with the spouse. I suspect Christ had to clarify it because men were making up lame excuses to divorce their wives.

Imagine yourself before Christ and ask Him the question, can you divorce? I'm sure he'll say to you that God commands him to honour you. He has violated that command. I might even go as far to suggest how can he be close to God and abuse you? You have every right to divorce that man.

At the very least you have the right to leave the man.

Enslow

Bang on. And you also need to 'divorce' any Christians who will tell you you can't do this.

Why do people try to turn Jesus' words into straitjackets. Enslow is exactly right - He was speaking into a culture where a man could just drop his wife for little or no reason and leave her destitute.

By acting the way he does, your husband has already broken the marriage contract. You do have the right to consider it over.

 

[jessiegirl]

I will say a prayer for Desi.

 

[4all2see]

Salsa - Thank you for making me stop thinking about my own petty problems. I do not dare give you advise. Who am I to speak? Just know that you are not alone. Some how, God is there. I do not understand all these things yet but I want to, just as I am sure you want to too. So lean on Christ and when we get there we can ask Him together...Why?

You are probably not feeling very loved (I personally know the lack of feeling) so know that with His love, I too love you. Be safe.

 

[SelfProtect]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Only you know what God is telling you to do. If he is abusive you need to remove yourself from the situation. Maybe divorce is not the answer BUT a LONGTERM separation until he gets a handle on HIS issues might be. Tolerating abuse is not an answer to your problem. You have to allow him to reap the natural consequences of his actions. You tolerating it may be you getting in God's way of helping him. Read the Boundary books by Henry Cloude and John Townsend.

Here is a snip of what these Christian counselors believe:

Limiting Evil

One of the other aspects of boundaries that is important is the limiting effect upon evil. Remember, because God does not control people, they are, in a certain way, free to be evil. He does not make them be good. He limits His sovereignty and control in some ways that we do not totally understand. But, even though He allows them to be evil, He limits the effects of their choices. He exercises limits on the effect that their choices will have on Him, His church, the world, etc.

He has also given us this duty, to limit the effect that evil choices that people make can have on life. One of the best examples of that is in Matthew 18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and “bind” evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for a great description of how David thought about the things that must be bound so that the evil of others would not “cling” to him.

In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to restore those who get “caught up,” by evil. We are to put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)

God is about Life. He is about restoring good things. And to do that, evil things must be held in check and transformed. He has given us many tools to perform this function of the salt that seasons the earth:

Truth and Commands

Confrontation

Rebuke

Exhortation

Forgiveness

Group Intervention

Consequences

Discipline

Restoration

Limit Setting

Separation

These are some of the processes that God has told us to do that limit and restore evil. And, they work. The problem is that we do not exercise our control and responsibility to do these things in our significant relationships, the church, and the world at large. As has been the story since the garden of Eden, the mess is largely of our own making. If we would use our self-control to do these things, then we would not have the messes in various aspects of life in which we find ourselves. We have misused our freedom. But, the good news of boundaries is that you can take control back in your own areas of influence, and begin to limit evil and restore life.

Here is more on this issue:
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/simple_scoop.htm

 

[salsa]

To an earlier post, I feel that I cannot lean on God because I feel somehow leaving is wrong. But, yeah, I am leaving anyway. At least for a while.

I went this weekend on the trip and it was relaxing more when I was by myself than when I was with my husband. He just doesn't get it. No matter how many times I tell him there are problems he pretends like nothing is wrong. We will get in a fight and then right afterwards he acts like it didn't happen but I still feel hurt. And by fight I mean even the regular old normal married fights. Things are going "well" now as in he hasn't touched me but he has almost done so and then stopped himself. Like I said earlier, I think he knows I would turn him in now and so maybe he is afraid. At least I know he can have self-control. He still thinks we don't need a couselor, "why can't you just talk to me" he says over and over. Then when I try to talk he yells over me so that I can't be heard any time I say anything he doesn't want to hear. How clueless can one get? How can he really think I can just talk to him? I don't even feel like talking to him at this point.

I am planning on moving in with a couple friends in mid-December. That is when there will be a room for me. I wish it wasn't so close to Christmas... the whole thing scares me. Humans don't like change, and that is a lot of change. I don't know how my family will react to it, they love him a lot, and I have 11 year old sister that will be affected too...

So most likely I will be alone for Christmas. I have no family in the state I am living in, and all of my friends will of course be with their family.

 

[marshava]

Why DIVORCE? Separate. Leave and PRAY, PRAY hard for him. He needs the Love of Jesus. Let the Lord work in him. You might think of letting Jesus be your husband until you are both (you & husband) healed.

Why Divorce? To find another man? Let Jesus be the man.

There is Hope. Have Faith. God can restore HIS perfect love in both of you.

Philemon 1:15(amp) Perhaps it was for this reason that he was separated [from you] for awhile, that you might have him back as yours forever. Not as a slave(worldly) any longer but as [something] more than a slave, as a brother(Christian), especially dear to me but how much more to you, both in the flesh[as a servant] and in the Lord [as a fellow believer].