The Pain of Being Estranged from Family

[har_habayit]

It being Christmas season, I know there's a lot of pain going on over family estrangement.

I have been estranged from many family members for like 12 years. I know in a way it's justified because I have done things that have been wrong and have hurt others, but there is something specific I'm struggling with about it.

I have had no reciprocation from any of those family members from which I am estranged, despite trying to make peace and respect boundaries over a long period of time. No communication over Thanksgiving or Christmas consistently. No communication, period. My texts or calls are never returned....ever.

I don't really like these people, respect them, or have much of anything in common with them. Actually, the most important family member I have is my mom. She is the only one who has supported me unconditionally. Sometimes I feel guilt because although she is the only family member that matters, I am constantly struggling with why I feel such a hole in my heart over the siblings I have that either are self-interested, unforgiving, or simply don't care.

I know personally, and have read, that there are real and devastating consequences to long-term sibling estrangement. As I type, I can FEEL the cortisol and the adrenaline pumping through my veins and blood. I have tried to lose weight, but it is not possible if you are angry. Your cortisol levels will drive you to eat, and to eat unhealthy foods, to compensate for your stress.

I am trying to justify to myself and to you why I feel this need to reconcile, even though I have nothing in common with my estranged family members. I know that for me, closure and tying up loose ends is really important. I know people who went to their graves estranged from important family relationships, when a simple phone call would have solved the problem, and they let the estrangement go on for 30 years. I don't understand that kind of pride.

I love the idea of coming full circle with things, and I value making peace and being at peace with others. I have been able to make peace and live in peace with every single person I have ever known and ever hurt, and we are on good terms. But for some reason, this "untied knot" of estrangement with certain family members is really eating me up. It's like an itch that I can't scratch, because it really is the only itch in my life I have not been able to scratch, the only loose end I have not been permitted to tie up in my relationships.

Every time I have tried to communicate, the door gets slammed in my face.

In this situation, the worst part for me is being consistently tormented with the idea that I can't move on from the situation, because I am the only clear Christian witness in the family, and if someone important in the family dies, I am expected to be there and to be the "big guy."

It's very, very painful to continue leaving my heart open for years to those who don't want anything to do with me, and feeling like it might never end. Part of me believes though that this is a cross from God. It's almost like he's telling me, "now you get to feel what I feel. I love the world so much, and my heart goes out to everyone every single day, and most people want nothing to do with me. Still, my heart is open to them from birth until death, if they will only call out to me."

Anyone have experience with this? It sounds like I am torn between a lot of conflicting things.

 

[mourningdove~]

Anyone have experience with this?

Yes.
And sometimes things do naturally get better ... with age, the passing of time, the changing of the life circumstances of those involved.

We cannot change others, that is something I needed to learn.
We pray for them. And trust that God is working in their lives. But these things often take time. Sometimes a long time.
We begin to find peace when we realize that most times all we can do is pray, and leave the rest in God's Hands ...

There is a portion of Scripture that God showed me years ago, and it was a great comfort to me.
Maybe it will be to you, too:

"God sets the lonely in families"
~ Psalm 68:6

As a follower of Jesus Christ ... a Christian ... you have been born again into a new family ... the family of God!
And it is an eternal family. A family for forever.

I know what I've just said doesn't fix the problems you're having with your birth family ...
it may not even be what you want to hear right now ...
but truth is, you do have a family, a family you are not estranged from, and that is the family of God.

After years of trying ...
years of sadness and frustration ...
I began to focus more on my new family in Christ.
And things got better for me ...

 

[Unqualified]

Yeah most of my family hates me because I am a Christian. It hurts a little. I pray for them once in a while. But I miss the love we shared before when they went one way and I went the other. That was a long time ago we parted. I know they are wrong. It doesn’t help to be right. But I just let them go because what else can I do, go to their house and make a scene? I thought family ties were stronger than that. But a cult got in between us, and their kids and their kids. But you are right I’m not completely alone because of Jesus and the church.

 

[mourningdove~]

Yeah most of my family hates me because I am a Christian.

I think what you've said ^ is a big part of it, a big reason why these estrangements happen.

Whether we realize or remember it ... we have changed. Jesus has changed us.
We aren't who we were, before we were born again.
When we get around our families, I do think they sense and see the change ...
but they can't understand, or appreciate, it unless they have been born again, too.

Some may seem to like the change, but mostly it seems they are uncomfortable with it. (That has mostly been my experience.)
Not understanding what has happened, those tend to keep an emotional distance that is comfortable for them.
But unfortunately, there can also be those that will not like the change at all. They may even hate it, and work against us.
(Yep, I've seen that, too.)

If one is truly born again, it becomes a challenge maintaining close relationships with family members that are not yet.
Spiritually, we are walking very different paths. "How can two walk together, unless they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3)

After many years now, I think God has many of us in our families to pray for them ... so that they will find salvation in Christ, too.

Without Jesus and the family of God, it would be a lonely journey.
But He has seen to it that we need not travel this earth alone ... what a Great God He is!

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I don't really like these people, respect them, or have much of anything in common with them

They probably know this which may be the reason for being estranged. One must be genuine. Be blessed.

 

[Quasiblogo]

It being Christmas season, I know there's a lot of pain going on over family estrangement.

I have been estranged from many family members for like 12 years. I know in a way it's justified because I have done things that have been wrong and have hurt others, but there is something specific I'm struggling with about it.

I have had no reciprocation from any of those family members from which I am estranged, despite trying to make peace and respect boundaries over a long period of time. No communication over Thanksgiving or Christmas consistently. No communication, period. My texts or calls are never returned....ever.

I don't really like these people, respect them, or have much of anything in common with them. Actually, the most important family member I have is my mom. She is the only one who has supported me unconditionally. Sometimes I feel guilt because although she is the only family member that matters, I am constantly struggling with why I feel such a hole in my heart over the siblings I have that either are self-interested, unforgiving, or simply don't care.

I know personally, and have read, that there are real and devastating consequences to long-term sibling estrangement. As I type, I can FEEL the cortisol and the adrenaline pumping through my veins and blood. I have tried to lose weight, but it is not possible if you are angry. Your cortisol levels will drive you to eat, and to eat unhealthy foods, to compensate for your stress.

I am trying to justify to myself and to you why I feel this need to reconcile, even though I have nothing in common with my estranged family members. I know that for me, closure and tying up loose ends is really important. I know people who went to their graves estranged from important family relationships, when a simple phone call would have solved the problem, and they let the estrangement go on for 30 years. I don't understand that kind of pride.

I love the idea of coming full circle with things, and I value making peace and being at peace with others. I have been able to make peace and live in peace with every single person I have ever known and ever hurt, and we are on good terms. But for some reason, this "untied knot" of estrangement with certain family members is really eating me up. It's like an itch that I can't scratch, because it really is the only itch in my life I have not been able to scratch, the only loose end I have not been permitted to tie up in my relationships.

Every time I have tried to communicate, the door gets slammed in my face.

In this situation, the worst part for me is being consistently tormented with the idea that I can't move on from the situation, because I am the only clear Christian witness in the family, and if someone important in the family dies, I am expected to be there and to be the "big guy."

It's very, very painful to continue leaving my heart open for years to those who don't want anything to do with me, and feeling like it might never end. Part of me believes though that this is a cross from God. It's almost like he's telling me, "now you get to feel what I feel. I love the world so much, and my heart goes out to everyone every single day, and most people want nothing to do with me. Still, my heart is open to them from birth until death, if they will only call out to me."

Anyone have experience with this? It sounds like I am torn between a lot of conflicting things.

 

[har_habayit]

They probably know this which may be the reason for being estranged. One must be genuine. Be blessed.

Hi Maria. That may be historically true, but the problem we get into with family estrangements is that people pigeonhole you into a box based on who you were as a child, adolescent or young adult, and then do not give you the benefit of the doubt of change. When you find yourself holding someone's past sin over their head and refusing to even look into the issue to see whether there has been any change or responding to their attempts at peace, in a sense you are now as guilty as the original party, because now you are oppressing. Especially if there has been evidence of change.

If a person did something horrible at 26, but you still treat that person who is now 40 the same way, you are an enforcer of estrangement. I do believe that kind of artificial suffering imposed on others will have a price in the future.

 

[mourningdove~]

Hi Maria. That may be historically true, but the problem we get into with family estrangements is that people pigeonhole you into a box based on who you were as a child, adolescent or young adult, and then do not give you the benefit of the doubt of change. When you find yourself holding someone's past sin over their head and refusing to even look into the issue to see whether there has been any change or responding to their attempts at peace, in a sense you are now as guilty as the original party, because now you are oppressing. Especially if there has been evidence of change.

If a person did something horrible at 26, but you still treat that person who is now 40 the same way, you are an enforcer of estrangement. I do believe that kind of artificial suffering imposed on others will have a price in the future.

Some persons, in some families, cannot 'let go' of past hurts.
No matter how much we apologize. No matter how hard we try with them.
And sometimes these persons never do forgive. That has been my experience.

I believe we (Christians) have become more forgiving because we have experienced the forgiveness of God.
Many of those who cannot forgive? They have not ... yet.
And so it is like they become 'immovable' in their unforgiveness.

... Makes it very hard, if not impossible, to have a truly good relationship with them.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Hi Maria. That may be historically true, but the problem we get into with family estrangements is that people pigeonhole you into a box based on who you were as a child, adolescent or young adult, and then do not give you the benefit of the doubt of change. When you find yourself holding someone's past sin over their head and refusing to even look into the issue to see whether there has been any change or responding to their attempts at peace, in a sense you are now as guilty as the original party, because now you are oppressing. Especially if there has been evidence of change.

If a person did something horrible at 26, but you still treat that person who is now 40 the same way, you are an enforcer of estrangement. I do believe that kind of artificial suffering imposed on others will have a price in the future.

What is the reason for the estrangement?

 

[linux.poet]

I honestly think you need to apply this verse:

46 While He was still speaking to the crowds, behold, His mother and brothers were standing outside, seeking to speak to Him. 47 [Someone said to Him, “Look, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak to You.”] 48 But Jesus replied to the one who was telling Him and said, “Who is My mother, and who are My brothers?” 49 And extending His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold: My mother and My brothers! 50 For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother, and sister, and mother.”

Your siblings' desire not to communicate with you is their choice, and that choice deserves to be respected. While they may be making the wrong choice, it's their choice to make. By continuing to try to communicate, it seems that you are continually reopening this wound over and over again instead of letting it to heal. You're getting emotionally stuck here needlessly.

They have chosen not to communicate, which is what siblings do, and you clearly need communication (and perhaps even affirmation) in your relationships. Therefore, since your siblings are not meeting the needs of the role of a sibling in your life, they are not your siblings anymore.

What I have found in my life is that you just need to move on from relationships that aren't meeting your needs and find others that will. You don't have time to waste on people who aren't willing to help you.

What is the reason for the estrangement?

This is a good question. Also, I'm wondering, how long ago was this estrangement? Is there anyone else in the family who has an open line of communication with these siblings who could help mend the fences and put everyone back together again?

 

[Aussie Pete]

It being Christmas season, I know there's a lot of pain going on over family estrangement.

I have been estranged from many family members for like 12 years. I know in a way it's justified because I have done things that have been wrong and have hurt others, but there is something specific I'm struggling with about it.

I have had no reciprocation from any of those family members from which I am estranged, despite trying to make peace and respect boundaries over a long period of time. No communication over Thanksgiving or Christmas consistently. No communication, period. My texts or calls are never returned....ever.

I don't really like these people, respect them, or have much of anything in common with them. Actually, the most important family member I have is my mom. She is the only one who has supported me unconditionally. Sometimes I feel guilt because although she is the only family member that matters, I am constantly struggling with why I feel such a hole in my heart over the siblings I have that either are self-interested, unforgiving, or simply don't care.

I know personally, and have read, that there are real and devastating consequences to long-term sibling estrangement. As I type, I can FEEL the cortisol and the adrenaline pumping through my veins and blood. I have tried to lose weight, but it is not possible if you are angry. Your cortisol levels will drive you to eat, and to eat unhealthy foods, to compensate for your stress.

I am trying to justify to myself and to you why I feel this need to reconcile, even though I have nothing in common with my estranged family members. I know that for me, closure and tying up loose ends is really important. I know people who went to their graves estranged from important family relationships, when a simple phone call would have solved the problem, and they let the estrangement go on for 30 years. I don't understand that kind of pride.

I love the idea of coming full circle with things, and I value making peace and being at peace with others. I have been able to make peace and live in peace with every single person I have ever known and ever hurt, and we are on good terms. But for some reason, this "untied knot" of estrangement with certain family members is really eating me up. It's like an itch that I can't scratch, because it really is the only itch in my life I have not been able to scratch, the only loose end I have not been permitted to tie up in my relationships.

Every time I have tried to communicate, the door gets slammed in my face.

In this situation, the worst part for me is being consistently tormented with the idea that I can't move on from the situation, because I am the only clear Christian witness in the family, and if someone important in the family dies, I am expected to be there and to be the "big guy."

It's very, very painful to continue leaving my heart open for years to those who don't want anything to do with me, and feeling like it might never end. Part of me believes though that this is a cross from God. It's almost like he's telling me, "now you get to feel what I feel. I love the world so much, and my heart goes out to everyone every single day, and most people want nothing to do with me. Still, my heart is open to them from birth until death, if they will only call out to me."

Anyone have experience with this? It sounds like I am torn between a lot of conflicting things.

You show all the symptoms of unforgiveness. I suggest that you read the article linked below

Can you forgive from your heart? - Christian Life Frankston

Christian teaching and encouragement for those who want to grow in Christ

www.christianlife.org.au

It's quite long but well worth it. The principles work in practice. My daughter has cut me off. I've done a lot for her, including buying a car for them when her husband wrote off their own car. She did not even tell me about the birth of her fourth child. It's fine. I followed the principles I learned many years ago.

Jesus warned us that a man's enemies would be members of his own household. I am thankful that my son is much friendlier. We don't see a lot of him, but he stays in touch and we get together on birthdays and such.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hi Maria. That may be historically true, but the problem we get into with family estrangements is that people pigeonhole you into a box based on who you were as a child, adolescent or young adult, and then do not give you the benefit of the doubt of change. When you find yourself holding someone's past sin over their head and refusing to even look into the issue to see whether there has been any change or responding to their attempts at peace, in a sense you are now as guilty as the original party, because now you are oppressing. Especially if there has been evidence of change.

If a person did something horrible at 26, but you still treat that person who is now 40 the same way, you are an enforcer of estrangement. I do believe that kind of artificial suffering imposed on others will have a price in the future.

You said this in your post. ....

"I don't really like these people, respect them, or have much of anything in common with them."

People are not ignorant to such things regardless of their blood ties.

Blessings

 

[com7fy8]

I think it is possible that if you have hurt someone, the person might not be sure that you won't hurt him or her again. You can seem like you have changed, but someone does not know if at any moment you could ambush the person. The first time you hurt someone, it did not seem you were going to hurt the person, right? So, now they don't know. And no amount of gestures can prove you now can be trusted, because they know there could be what they can't see, waiting.

But Jesus expects us to forgive. And I understand we should not trust someone, just because we forgave someone, but prayerfully test if and how God has us trust each one.

Be ready for love, then, with anyone. But this includes you need to be able to forgive someone you have trusted.

As you invest in being all-loving, this can have you able to be in peace with unforgiving family people, whether they ever accept you or not. And you will discover other Jesus people who love unconditionally, and they will be your real family with real intimacy that your natural family is incapable of unless they trust in Jesus and forgive.

 

[com7fy8]

I was very critical of my mother, and others agreed that she was impossible. And one day she told me she knew I was criticizing her.

"I'm not criticizing you!"
"Yes you are!"

She could tell.

And I was wrong by not having hope for her in prayer and caring for her. I did not need to keep spending time with thinking critical things against her; my attention could have been invested in thinking and doing better things.

Because of my critical way, I was not thinking of doing good things that I could have done with her and for her. And I was not enjoying things like I could have, while I was doing things for her, like helping weed her garden and enjoy sharing things she grew there; I could "righteously" hold a grudge that her garden was vain and so I did not want to eat what grew in it. Yes, I could be pretty love-stupid, while supposedly a born-again Christian. Conceited, not like Jesus who left Heaven itself to come here to personally love us and share with us here.

Yes, I would say our cross includes being un-conceited so we love and forgive ones who won't forgive us and who are undeserving of our suffering for them, and can waste what we do for them.

Now that she has died, I can see how I missed out on how I could have been better with her. But I tell people this, and pray to do better . . . with other people who can be nasty and impossible.

 

[har_habayit]

You said this in your post. ....

"I don't really like these people, respect them, or have much of anything in common with them."

People are not ignorant to such things regardless of their blood ties.

Blessings

I honestly think you need to apply this verse:



Your siblings' desire not to communicate with you is their choice, and that choice deserves to be respected. While they may be making the wrong choice, it's their choice to make. By continuing to try to communicate, it seems that you are continually reopening this wound over and over again instead of letting it to heal. You're getting emotionally stuck here needlessly.

They have chosen not to communicate, which is what siblings do, and you clearly need communication (and perhaps even affirmation) in your relationships. Therefore, since your siblings are not meeting the needs of the role of a sibling in your life, they are not your siblings anymore.

What I have found in my life is that you just need to move on from relationships that aren't meeting your needs and find others that will. You don't have time to waste on people who aren't willing to help you.


This is a good question. Also, I'm wondering, how long ago was this estrangement? Is there anyone else in the family who has an open line of communication with these siblings who could help mend the fences and put everyone back together again?

I get what you're saying. The estrangement acutely happened in 2011. It happened because I said some things about the past and our family history that were not entirely true but which were dramatic and it caused others to distance themselves from me.

The thing that is hard for me is, yes, I have to respect their choice, and ultimately, I need to be there with open arms once I am needed. That is the cross. It would be easy for me to say, "hey, you ignored me for years, and now you want to be friends? Not so fast" but as a Christian, I can't do that. I feel I will be held to a different standard and and judged as a hypocrite if I let others pay the price for their choices. As a Christian, I feel the need to rescue others. My heart has to be perpetually open and yet perpetually wounded. Maybe that is the penance for my arrogance.

Also, some of the posts I've experienced on this thread and in this community remind me that what you're saying is true. Reciprocation is extremely important to me. I hate when people want something from me but are never there in return. I have been angered in this community (this has happened over a long period of time) when I pour my heart into a post, only to have someone pick out one sentence that doesn't seem right or that sounds bad, and just harp on that sentence over and over again. That's kind of what I deal with with relatives historically. They minimize their own non-existent and irrelevant sins that happen presently and are ongoing, whereas my sins and faults from a different era are still well remembered, simply because they were more dramatic, but there is zero evidence that I am the same person, but rather, every evidence that I am a totally different person.

I guess this situation is from God because whenever I try to fight it, whether with them or even to post online to get advice, I get pushback. I really do want to leave this in the past, but it's hard to see how to do that when I am suddenly needed and then I am expected to put the Christ outfit on.

 

[linux.poet]

The thing that is hard for me is, yes, I have to respect their choice, and ultimately, I need to be there with open arms once I am needed. That is the cross. It would be easy for me to say, "hey, you ignored me for years, and now you want to be friends? Not so fast" but as a Christian, I can't do that. I feel I will be held to a different standard and and judged as a hypocrite if I let others pay the price for their choices. As a Christian, I feel the need to rescue others. My heart has to be perpetually open and yet perpetually wounded. Maybe that is the penance for my arrogance.

Also, some of the posts I've experienced on this thread and in this community remind me that what you're saying is true. Reciprocation is extremely important to me. I hate when people want something from me but are never there in return. I have been angered in this community (this has happened over a long period of time) when I pour my heart into a post, only to have someone pick out one sentence that doesn't seem right or that sounds bad, and just harp on that sentence over and over again. That's kind of what I deal with with relatives historically. They minimize their own non-existent and irrelevant sins that happen presently and are ongoing, whereas my sins and faults from a different era are still well remembered, simply because they were more dramatic, but there is zero evidence that I am the same person, but rather, every evidence that I am a totally different person.

I guess this situation is from God because whenever I try to fight it, whether with them or even to post online to get advice, I get pushback. I really do want to leave this in the past, but it's hard to see how to do that when I am suddenly needed and then I am expected to put the Christ outfit on.

What do your relatives "need" you for? Emotional support? Money? Someone to use as a scrape goat for criticism? Hugs? Donuts?

What are you being expected to do for them unconditionally, no matter how much they sin against you? What must you do for them, no matter if your needs are being met or not? What are you rescuing your relatives from?

 

[har_habayit]

What do your relatives "need" you for? Emotional support? Money? Someone to use as a scrape goat for criticism? Hugs? Donuts?

What are you being expected to do for them unconditionally, no matter how much they sin against you? What must you do for them, no matter if your needs are being met or not? What are you rescuing your relatives from?

1) They don't need anything from me. They are self-supporting adults who make a lot of money, have houses, marriages, cars, and other things. There is nothing they need from me. Anything they need from me spiritually is something they can get elsewhere. Even if I am a Christian, there are consequences to hurting me. People need to know that just because a person is a Christian, even if that person is a sibling, parent, or spouse, there is no justification for treating them in any way except how they themselves would like to be treated. Even unbelievers aspire to live by this so-called "golden rule", even making it a slogan at companies. So, I think it's a standard we can apply to those who do not believe.

2) I am not sure what I am expected to do for them unconditionally, regardless of how I am treated. I guess I need to be there and be a "big guy" if one of the parents dies. I sometimes struggle with the thought of public speaking for Jesus if I am ever not in relationships with these siblings or have ever resolved to create distance. I believe that perhaps closing off that door would make me a false teacher. I would feel much, much better about letting the consequences of their actions take root. I have suffered a lot as a result of my poor treatment of them....over 12 years now of being segregated. I do not rail against my suffering. It was justly earned. But now, it's time for me to move on and for them to face the consequences of their mistreatment.

I feel like unforgiveness is like a boomerang. Someone hurts you, and then you close them off. You hurt them, then they close you off.

Maybe the point is that when we go above and beyond to make someone hurt over what they did to us, that's when the judgment of God comes and the consequences we hope to foist on others through our desire to see them suffer boomerangs on our own heads. I don't think there is anything wrong with enforcing a boundary. It's only when we go "above and beyond" to let them feel the extent of the pain we want them to feel as a result of wronging us, when we go wrong.

3) I must pray for my relatives, regardless of whether they are meeting my needs as family members or not. I am wired differently from them, and I can't fault them for that. I clearly do need affirmation and reciprocation in family relationships, as you rightly pointed out and which I must own. I have to respect their right to be who they are, and the flip side of that is that I am to be respected for who I am when the time is right. Meaning, if fortunes change, I am to respect my own boundaries as a person, because I feel I was shut out for years, and I can't be expected to just be everything for them that they never were for me.

4) I am not rescuing my relatives from anything. They know the gospel and they know everything they will ever need to get to heaven. Therefore, I owe them nothing except my prayers for their salvation. I think I owe them a measure of kindness in response for any efforts they would make to reach out in the future, but I don't really see why I would do anything beyond that.

You ask really, really good questions. Thanks for letting me see my own responses....

 

[linux.poet]

You ask really, really good questions. Thanks for letting me see my own responses....

Hmm. You may benefit from the practice of, when you experience a hurtful emotion, turn that into a question and then answer it. What that will do is show you your beliefs behind what you are feeling, and then you can evaluate whether they are true or not for yourself.

What I think has been going on is that people have been evaluating your feelings instead of your beliefs when they try and give you advice. This is a very bad idea, because your feelings are always true. If you're sad, you're sad. If you're happy, you're happy. If you're hurt, you're hurt. Someone who says "hey dude, you shouldn't be feeling like this, suck it up buttercup" that person is a jerk. They are just doing violence to your emotions.

Worse, it seems that people are assuming from your emotions that you believe a certain way, and then you don't know how to handle the situation because you've never been given the opportunity to understand the beliefs behind your emotions. You're being judged by your emotions and emotional responses instead of your beliefs, I think, in your family. That is what your comments seem to reflect to me.

Christianity and Christlikeness ultimately comes down to our beliefs instead of our emotions. God comforts us in our emotional distress, but it is by our beliefs that we stand or fall. However, our emotions stem from our beliefs, so in understanding what is behind your wounds, I am hoping that you find relief.