The Man and I

[Matariki]

I will warn now that this is a lengthy post (by my standards) and that I am in desperate need of answers and comfort.

Well, I can tell you now that this has been <>a burden for me as long as I can remember and everyday I find myself asking God why he made me the way I am.

I am trans-gender. A male trapped in a female body. Now, I want to explain what its like to be trans-gender in hope of others understanding the problem rather than villainizing it.

So, I want you guys to imagine waking up one morning as usual and taking a look at yourself in the mirror to see that you are the opposite sex to what you were they day before.

How would you feel?

Confused, upset, scared, alienated, depressed?

Now try living in your opposite sexed body for the next 20 years.
Imagine the issues. I have never told my parents, although I have hinted on the idea. One of my greatest fears is rejection, my father is understanding but my mother and I are distant in our relationship. She doesn't even know how old I am and we live under the same roof. My older brother is a Calvinist and a fundamentalist, without a doubt he would probably condemn me If I dared to reveal my true self.

As young individual I would love to spend my life with another, only to come to the realization that for me to do so I would have to be gay. A man dating a man, even though in reality I am physically a female. Naturally I am sexually attracted to women, but I restrain myself from crossing the border as living as a homosexual.
<edit>
That's where I stand. For years its been an issue for me and one of the reasons why I personally left the church as well as being accused of homosexuality. Here I am as a young individual who would love to have a part in the church ministry, being shunned because of whats between my legs rather than my heart. I believe that being trans-gender, is
not so much of a psychical denial but more of a spiritual issue, being placed in a shell that doesn't match.

God doesn't make mistakes, so there must be a reason for why I am the way I am, and everyday I am searching for it.

As you can imagine I am very depressed. I want to serve God but how can I? I'm a woman. I grew up being taught that women were lower then men and its left me extremely upset and bitter. I want the truth and I'm sure that's not it. I've been trying to read and understand the teachings of Paul and the distinctions between male and female roles, but I'm having a really hard time trying to get my head around it.

Yes, we can say being trans-gender is the result of sin but everything wrong is. It may be one of the answers but its not the solution. I've been told that I wasn't faithful enough and that I wasn't letting the holy spirit work within. Now I want everyone to realize that its much deeper than that. You are dealing with an individual who feels trapped within and probably will be until the end of their time. Accepting Christ and following him is not a 'band-aid' for every sinful problem on the world and I wish that people would stop using the gospel as such. Its a life time commitment and sin doesn't simply leave the flesh, the truth simply reveals the true hurdles of life and exposes them for what they really are, being trans-gender is one of them.

I remember when I first told my pastor that I was trans-gender, I was 12 at the time. He told me that its wrong to change what God created and that I would be committing the sin of homosexuality. I knew when he told me that, he didn't understand the reality of the pain. I wanted answers, he gave me statements. He thought it was a faze, but I had been secretly struggling with it since I was very young child. This revealing to my pastor later came to turn on me during my last years of being in the church. Not so much through him, but through others nosing about and making accusations behind my back. I thought the church was supposed to help and support those that are in need, as Jesus did when he walked on the planet. I'm sure if Jesus were around today he would be helping those that are being prosecuted, one of them being the gay/trans-gender community. Didn't he do the same for the prostitutes, the tax collectors, the sick and even those of different cultures and beliefs?

Why are we being attacked? Wheres the help? Why is it that we have crazy extremist groups such as the Destiny Church (In New Zealand) etc. painting such an ugly picture of what Christianity is and spitting on us?

It makes me deeply angry. Some days I'm afraid to state that I am Christian out of fear that I would be associated with what people perceive Christians as these days, I know that I should be braver and I usually do find the strength within to tell people what my faith is, another part of me is ashamed because I am not setting the best example of what a Christian is.

I see myself as a hypocrite, which probably makes God upset, It makes me upset too.

Another reason why I'm posting this is because recently I've been feeling suicidal, I've been working alongside with a counselor whom I've known for years, she has been extremely concerned for my psychical well being. I have been known in the past to cut and burn, but recently I've begun to abuse prescribed tricyclics. I want the pain to end <edit> How can I be me without changing who I am on the outside and being respected as an individual? I am determined to keep pushing on until I find out and understand the truth. In many ways, my drive and determination to find it is whats been keeping me alive.

I am blessed to have God relieve fragments of the answer to me through, unfortunately through the explicit nightmares I get (which is the main reason for being on the drugs). I can't sleep at night, and I have trouble eating during the day. I'm that anxious, its been that way for years.

Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if it is him that is revealing me the answers and sometimes I doubt his existence altogether, but there's a part of me that knows that there is more to life than meets the eye. One thing that I can't help but notice is that I find the answers when I pray, asking for them to be revealed. That for me is far beyond being an coincidence. Faith at a time like this has been very difficult for me.
I feel so lonely and small.

I will say that there is a part of me that prevents me from taking my life, I have been convinced that its the holy spirit. Is the holy spirit capable of working in such ways?

I wish that I could just enjoy life and what God has created, what Jesus has done for me and let the holy spirit work within me and through me. Easy? No. I realize that being a Christian is one of the toughest positions to be in. I find myself able to admire the beauty of what God has created and the complexity of it, but enjoying it is something else. I don't think Jesus died so we could enjoy life, that's not my impression anyway. Jesus died so we could be free from death, not from life.

I am currently working alongside with different psychiatrists and psychologists but there's only so much that they can do. My counselor from my understanding is agnostic, but she is fascinated by the Christian belief. I did concern my fears to her of not being able to understand what I am going through as its more of a spiritual issue rather than a mental issue, but I admire her for trying her hardest to understand the situation and for staying by my side over the years, which is more than what any other individual has done for me. I am currently looking for a Christian pyschologist to work with but its been proving very difficult to find any in New Zealand that are working in the Wellington or Manawatu (Palmerston North) district. Its been very frustrating.

Phew, I know I'm new here and this is a deep post, but I hope that at least one individual has taken the time to read it. I have many questions that have been circling through my head for years, if anyone is willing to help answer some I would be humbled and honored.

Please help...

 

[Criada]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.
There aren't any easy answers, and I'm not going to spout a lot of platitudes, but I want you to know that God loves you, just as you are.
I don't understand the reasons or causes - I struggle with homosexuality, and have been told that it's due to lack of faith, so I understand the pain that causes. But it isn't, it's just one of those things, like disease and disaster, it isn't your fault
And the fact that you are a woman doesn't mean that you can't serve God. He called you, and he has a purpose for your life - irrespective of gender.

If you need a listening ear, Pm me any time. You are in my prayers

 

[Miyuchan]

Like Transgender myself can understand your feels and emotions, the misunderstand of persons that must help you and the lonely of be always lone o feel under the others because of that all think of one like a "thing" . th epeople can hurt so hard when one wanted suport and a nice word . God give the gift of the live for can explore know, live experiences that surely not can live in other partcan learn to love more ther eof our own body-jail is some that i discoveer . in the form in that help , listen and give the best of my self for help to somebody then one can begin to feel live because one found sense for is living each day.

You are a very brave person because to the 12 i wasn´t can speak with somebody about my feelings and emotions because i haved fear lot of fear , fear to look a angry God, a eternal punish ,and a lot of image full of sadnes that crossmy head ...after of much tears can understand that God is with one always. I know that God is with you because to you age you have a lot of conclusions only need open your ideas to God , He always listen you dreams, words, hopes and pains, please dont fear to God.

Need feel listened have friends that understand you situation for so can advance in find your answers with the guide and the love of God.


You are some special never doubts of this , i really is wonderful of the greats person that is in this forum never before in a christian forum find so many love and suportthanks for care of all the people that need help

Greetings to alls
my prays and best wishes go with you ^^ greetings and Bless

 

[Silver2001]

I will warn now that this is a lengthy post (by my standards) and that I am in desperate need of answers and comfort.

Well, I can tell you now that this has been <>a burden for me as long as I can remember and everyday I find myself asking God why he made me the way I am.

I am trans-gender. A male trapped in a female body. Now, I want to explain what its like to be trans-gender in hope of others understanding the problem rather than villainizing it.

So, I want you guys to imagine waking up one morning as usual and taking a look at yourself in the mirror to see that you are the opposite sex to what you were they day before.

How would you feel?

Confused, upset, scared, alienated, depressed?

Now try living in your opposite sexed body for the next 20 years.
Imagine the issues. I have never told my parents, although I have hinted on the idea. One of my greatest fears is rejection, my father is understanding but my mother and I are distant in our relationship. She doesn't even know how old I am and we live under the same roof. My older brother is a Calvinist and a fundamentalist, without a doubt he would probably condemn me If I dared to reveal my true self.

As young individual I would love to spend my life with another, only to come to the realization that for me to do so I would have to be gay. A man dating a man, even though in reality I am physically a female. Naturally I am sexually attracted to women, but I restrain myself from crossing the border as living as a homosexual.
<edit>
That's where I stand. For years its been an issue for me and one of the reasons why I personally left the church as well as being accused of homosexuality. Here I am as a young individual who would love to have a part in the church ministry, being shunned because of whats between my legs rather than my heart. I believe that being trans-gender, is
not so much of a psychical denial but more of a spiritual issue, being placed in a shell that doesn't match.

God doesn't make mistakes, so there must be a reason for why I am the way I am, and everyday I am searching for it.

As you can imagine I am very depressed. I want to serve God but how can I? I'm a woman. I grew up being taught that women were lower then men and its left me extremely upset and bitter. I want the truth and I'm sure that's not it. I've been trying to read and understand the teachings of Paul and the distinctions between male and female roles, but I'm having a really hard time trying to get my head around it.

Yes, we can say being trans-gender is the result of sin but everything wrong is. It may be one of the answers but its not the solution. I've been told that I wasn't faithful enough and that I wasn't letting the holy spirit work within. Now I want everyone to realize that its much deeper than that. You are dealing with an individual who feels trapped within and probably will be until the end of their time. Accepting Christ and following him is not a 'band-aid' for every sinful problem on the world and I wish that people would stop using the gospel as such. Its a life time commitment and sin doesn't simply leave the flesh, the truth simply reveals the true hurdles of life and exposes them for what they really are, being trans-gender is one of them.

I remember when I first told my pastor that I was trans-gender, I was 12 at the time. He told me that its wrong to change what God created and that I would be committing the sin of homosexuality. I knew when he told me that, he didn't understand the reality of the pain. I wanted answers, he gave me statements. He thought it was a faze, but I had been secretly struggling with it since I was very young child. This revealing to my pastor later came to turn on me during my last years of being in the church. Not so much through him, but through others nosing about and making accusations behind my back. I thought the church was supposed to help and support those that are in need, as Jesus did when he walked on the planet. I'm sure if Jesus were around today he would be helping those that are being prosecuted, one of them being the gay/trans-gender community. Didn't he do the same for the prostitutes, the tax collectors, the sick and even those of different cultures and beliefs?

Why are we being attacked? Wheres the help? Why is it that we have crazy extremist groups such as the Destiny Church (In New Zealand) etc. painting such an ugly picture of what Christianity is and spitting on us?

It makes me deeply angry. Some days I'm afraid to state that I am Christian out of fear that I would be associated with what people perceive Christians as these days, I know that I should be braver and I usually do find the strength within to tell people what my faith is, another part of me is ashamed because I am not setting the best example of what a Christian is.

I see myself as a hypocrite, which probably makes God upset, It makes me upset too.

Another reason why I'm posting this is because recently I've been feeling suicidal, I've been working alongside with a counselor whom I've known for years, she has been extremely concerned for my psychical well being. I have been known in the past to cut and burn, but recently I've begun to abuse prescribed tricyclics. I want the pain to end <edit> How can I be me without changing who I am on the outside and being respected as an individual? I am determined to keep pushing on until I find out and understand the truth. In many ways, my drive and determination to find it is whats been keeping me alive.

I am blessed to have God relieve fragments of the answer to me through, unfortunately through the explicit nightmares I get (which is the main reason for being on the drugs). I can't sleep at night, and I have trouble eating during the day. I'm that anxious, its been that way for years.

Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if it is him that is revealing me the answers and sometimes I doubt his existence altogether, but there's a part of me that knows that there is more to life than meets the eye. One thing that I can't help but notice is that I find the answers when I pray, asking for them to be revealed. That for me is far beyond being an coincidence. Faith at a time like this has been very difficult for me.
I feel so lonely and small.

I will say that there is a part of me that prevents me from taking my life, I have been convinced that its the holy spirit. Is the holy spirit capable of working in such ways?

I wish that I could just enjoy life and what God has created, what Jesus has done for me and let the holy spirit work within me and through me. Easy? No. I realize that being a Christian is one of the toughest positions to be in. I find myself able to admire the beauty of what God has created and the complexity of it, but enjoying it is something else. I don't think Jesus died so we could enjoy life, that's not my impression anyway. Jesus died so we could be free from death, not from life.

I am currently working alongside with different psychiatrists and psychologists but there's only so much that they can do. My counselor from my understanding is agnostic, but she is fascinated by the Christian belief. I did concern my fears to her of not being able to understand what I am going through as its more of a spiritual issue rather than a mental issue, but I admire her for trying her hardest to understand the situation and for staying by my side over the years, which is more than what any other individual has done for me. I am currently looking for a Christian pyschologist to work with but its been proving very difficult to find any in New Zealand that are working in the Wellington or Manawatu (Palmerston North) district. Its been very frustrating.

Phew, I know I'm new here and this is a deep post, but I hope that at least one individual has taken the time to read it. I have many questions that have been circling through my head for years, if anyone is willing to help answer some I would be humbled and honored.

Please help...

Matariki,
This is definitely a profound post. In all my years of ministry I have seen similar situations, but rarely someone would come out and open their hearts up the way you did. I do have to say that the ones that did it, were the ones that wanted to be free.
I am not sure what are your believes as far as Christians, and I do not know how far I can take this with you, it is hard to say just by one post, and not seeing you face to face. But I can assure you of one thing if you WANT to be free, you will! The reason I say this, I have counseled with other young people that assured to me that God created them that way. I assure to them that He did not! But people just don't want to listen.
I know how you feel, it is a division, and it feels like you are fighting with yourself.

Again it does not matter what how big it seems... GOD IS BIGGER!!!!!

You can PM me if you would like.

 

[Idealist]

As you can imagine I am very depressed. I want to serve God but how can I? I'm a woman. I grew up being taught that women were lower then men and its left me extremely upset and bitter. I want the truth and I'm sure that's not it. I've been trying to read and understand the teachings of Paul and the distinctions between male and female roles, but I'm having a really hard time trying to get my head around it.

This part caught my attention, have you explored what role this is playing?

 

[lutherangerman]

You really have a tough load to carry.

I would encourage you to look into leading a celibate life. I am into that kind of thing as well and it's not the black hole sexually active people make it out to be. When I was younger and thought of that possibility I was afraid of it and found it very depressing, but I've come to accept it.

I am not a genuine transgendered person, but I did have autogynekophilia. I say it in the past tense because believe it or not, God has helped me out of that problem. I'm not saying He does that with everyone, but He did it with me. But I know that my problem was coupled with an addiction to porn photography and porn literature, so maybe it was more about this kink stuff that God didn't like than anything else. I've dug into myself and found that in my real self I am heterosexual, but I wanted a certain special thrill and so I started the autogynaekophilia stuff.

I know that many gays and transgendered people react extremely allergic towards assertions that God can heal us from these things. And so I'm not advising you to "pray the issue away". But what you must do is seeking God. Not for getting healed but for the sake of God. He isn't just a moral teacher who accepts nothing else but perfect morality. He is the beginning and the end. He is our Creator, our Father. And He has way more to offer than just to be our slavedriver or schoolmaster. But in order to realize that you either have to get healed from the transgender issue (I am not suggesting that seriously, please hear me out), or to get a foothold on a celibate life. Most christian gays and transgendered people have no faith in the former, but a celibate life is definetly in our reach.

Just concentrate on other stuff like the sexual things. Have you ever been with disabled people? They may not have a body they hate but they may have a mind they hate. And still they must accept it and live with it. Personally, I have schizophrenia and it's such a weird disease. I also have other things in my psyche which I sometimes loathe. But I have to accept these things. And I don't need to be ashamed for much of it because it's just who I am. If you live celibate the body is not such a big issue. Remember that after death our sexuality isn't playing much of a role anymore anyway. So it's no like you're loosing out on something. Since I started a celibate life 3 years ago I've become more sober and though I do believe that sex is a special gift it doesn't dominate my thoughts anymore. I value my friendships, my family life, my daily life now. I started to remember how I thought when I was still a child, when all the sex stuff wasn't important for me. I was a happy child. Perhaps you could spend some time with children? It's good not to loose touch with that side of life.

So if you feel really worn down with this and don't know how to go on, think of children and how they do things. Don't think that sexuality is the most important thing in life. Don't feel shame for how you look like. Try the celibate life and give yourself other priorities, things like, nurture your friendships, explore your creativity, seek God not for being your tourniquet but for Him being God. Maybe you just need to spend some time, years maybe, forgetting about the sexual things.

God bless you!

 

[musicalmeg20]

You seem to be pretty sure of who you are. I am not transgender, but I know many who are. My observation is that until you choose to live as who you really are, the depression will only continue. I believe God gives us these challenges to strengthen us. Those who have these struggles are destined for something great. Find a therapist (I recommend a GLBT friendly one) and start your life as the man you know you are. Nothing says you can't be a TS Christian.