The "I can't tell a joke to save my life" thread.

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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[Hillsage]

Know what the two Baptists said when they ran into each other at a liquor store?........Nothing.

 

[Archie the Preacher]

In the 1960s, when the 'ecumenical' movement was just beginning, one Baptist was asked his opinion of the proceedings. He replied, "I'm for it. Why, in no time at all, Catholics will start eating meat on Friday, Jews will start eating pork and Baptists will start drinking - in front of each other."

 

[4x4toy]

At an old country church the preacher noticed a man had showed up for the 3rd day in a row at revival tipsy from drinking moonshine . The preacher was ready the 4rth day and preached the whole sermon directed at the drunk man and alcohol . The last night the preacher brought a quart jar of moonshine and sure enough the same man showed up drunk again . The preacher said friend come here I want to show you something . The man stumbled up and the preacher took the lid off the moonshine and dropped a worm in the moonshine . The worm quickly curled up and died . The preacher then said to the man "See , now what does that tell you "? The man thought and replied "It tells me I ain't got worms"

 

[Imnotjokingwellnotmostly]

Have you heard of new Jewish dance craze the Rotemy?

You can here them in the synagogues chanting "Deuterotomy! Deuterotomy!"

 

[JackRT]

I'm trying to think of a really bad joke. Filtering out the ones I won't repeat here....

Oh! Got it!

My third wife.

Are you Donald Trump?

 

[JackRT]

At an old country church the preacher noticed a man had showed up for the 3rd day in a row at revival tipsy from drinking moonshine . The preacher was ready the 4rth day and preached the whole sermon directed at the drunk man and alcohol . The last night the preacher brought a quart jar of moonshine and sure enough the same man showed up drunk again . The preacher said friend come here I want to show you something . The man stumbled up and the preacher took the lid off the moonshine and dropped a worm in the moonshine . The worm quickly curled up and died . The preacher then said to the man "See , now what does that tell you "? The man thought and replied "It tells me I ain't got worms"

I just had a great job offer from a televangelist. He wants to use me as "horrible example" for a six week trial period with wonderful pay. All I have to do is sit up beside him on stage. I will belch, fart, scratch myself in inappropriate places and make the occasional rude remark all while guzzling whiskey out of a mickey bottle. At last! A retirement job that suits my talents perfectly. We are now negotiating fringe benefits. I am OK with the pay but I am holding out for a forty ouncer of single malt scotch and just how rude I can be.

 

[4x4toy]

Are you Donald Trump?

I don't think he has bad ones , he just swaps' in on newer model

 

[JackRT]

I don't think he has bad ones , he just swaps' in on newer model

Do the newer models feature new technological improvements or is it just that they aren't getting rusty?

 

[Archie the Preacher]

Are you Donald Trump?

In fact, Jack, Mr. Trump is a copy of me. But they toned him down to be believable.

 

[Archie the Preacher]

...Deuterotomy!

I just want you to know, that is really quite bad. Very, very bad.

 

[JackRT]

In fact, Jack, Mr. Trump is a copy of me. But they toned him down to be believable.

In that case you'd make a fine preacher.

 

[poporetto]

A safe place to tell "The worst jokes on the planet!"(but keep it clean!)

I have got a pun for that!

 

[Lazarus Short]

What would you call dance music for the end of the world?














Apocalypso.

 

[Archie the Preacher]

I knew a Lazarus Long once. I think on Friday.

 

[Lazarus Short]

I knew a Lazarus Long once. I think on Friday.

Friday is why I don't like elevators [if you "get" the reference...].

 

[Archie the Preacher]

That rings a faint bell. But it has been a long time since I read it. (I think RAH was still alive.)

 

[Lazarus Short]

That rings a faint bell. But it has been a long time since I read it. (I think RAH was still alive.)

In the first sentence of the novel, Friday gets on an elevator, a man gets on with her, and she kills him.

 

[Archie the Preacher]

Laz, that sounds about right. Like I said, it's been a long time. While I liked Friday and other later novels, I preferred the earlier works.

 

[JackRT]

A Jewish girl brought her new fiancé home for dinner to meet her parents. After dinner the father brought the young man into his study to get to know him better over a few drinks.

Father: What do you do for a living?

Young man: I am a student at the Yeshiva. I study the Torah.

Father: How will you support yourself and my daughter?

Young man: I will study very hard and God will provide.

Father: When children come how will you support them?

Young man: Then I will study very, very hard and God will provide.

Father: What happens if there is sickness?

Young man: Then I will study very, very, very hard and God will provide.

Later after the young couple left, the mother asked about the conversation. The father said "He has no job, no money and no prospects but I kind of like him. He does deeply love our daughter but there is one thing that troubles me.”

“What's that dear?” she asked.

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“He thinks that I am God."