The Gift of Singleness

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Do I have the gift of singleness or am I the broken product of a broken life? Only God knows.

Yes, like the rest of us who are broken, you are broken.
You will be broken again as Yahweh prepares you ,
as Yahweh accomplishes His Purpose
and His Plan for your life in Christ Jesus.
Like others in Scripture, there will be sorrow and suffering.
(Like Jesus - so have the same attitude Jesus had)
Yet also
Rejoice in the ways in Scripture it is written to rejoice !

Cry, Laugh, Sing (espciallly sing I think - an ongoing SONG IN YOUR HEART)
full of thankfulness and overflowing joy in the presence of Jesus,
as Yahweh accomplishes everything concerning your life,
salvation as He Planned for you specifically,
scheduling each and every day of your life and planning complete provision for His Own Purpose,
Yahweh knowing all things that would ever be before even the world was created;
all as written , completely in Harmony with all Scripture.

 

[continueinfaith]

Well put. However, I know many Christians who believe that unless you have a specific calling to remain single for the sake of the kingdom then you should pursue marriage. In other words, the only Biblical reason for remaining single (with a couple of exceptions I'll get to) is to devote your life to service in a way a married Christian could not. To remain single but devote that extra time to worldly pursuits would not be God's will they say.

I imagine beyond a certain age no one would fault you for not seeking remarriage nor if you are in a divorced situation that does not allow for remarriage.

Saying you are happier single or would make a poor spouse would not be valid reasons. If that is how you feel then they would say pray and ask God to heal you.

That said, remaining single is not going to send you to hell. Whether we are married or single we need to constantly examine our lives and see if we are serving God as best we can. I don't think being single means you have to go be a missionary somewhere or devote every spare minute to ministry. I think our prayer should be, "Father if its your will for me to be married then prepare me for that and lead me to the person you would have me marry. If not, or until I meet that person, show me how best to serve and live my life for your glory."

I don't believe in scolding the singles and questioning their motives. Leave it to the Holy Spirit to speak to their hearts. The Church is a family, but a broken family. It is made up of all kinds of people united by their love for Christ. We are all works-in-progress and all should be loved and accepted. Churches should be careful not to alienate singles especially those past a certain age. We should not be viewed as lacking or incomplete. In Christ we are complete.

While I have not personally had run-ins with people like that, I do know they exist. People who try to shame singles for being single, unless they are single for the ministry. I recall a book I had, don't remember the title but there was at least one chapter pertaining to women. The book was of course by a male author, a well-known TV evangelist (as with the title of the book, I've also forgotten who wrote it at the moment). In that chapter he scolds single women stating that if they are not married and popping out as many babies as they possibly physically can, they are rebelling against the will of God. I nearly flung the book across the room.

There are many reasons I am single, not just because I want to be. For one thing, it takes two to tango. With no realistic potential mate on the horizon at any point in my life, I can hardly get married. The few men who showed an interest in me were either: non-Christian, divorced, deadbeats, or control freak stalker-types. Some were more than one of these things, and others were none of the above, just "eww", if you know what I mean. I seriously could not view any of them as husband material, at least not for me.

Also, having to be a semi-caretaker to aging parents during my teen years meant that I wasn't active in the dating circles. I had no time or opportunity to date. My family moved around a lot, and I attended many different schools. I never established friendships with the other kids and never had a boyfriend. And I certainly wasn't pining for one.

But all that personal stuff aside- for those who insist that everyone is supposed to marry or be in full-time ministry, how would they view, for example, people with severe disabilities? The majority of them don't marry, nor are many in the ministry. I don't say that to be unkind, just as an observation. I do know some do marry (I even know of a local couple, both with mental disabilities, who married) but many do not. I just have to wonder what the judgemental ones would say about that?

 

[dayhiker]

I've been divorced now for 11 years ... I just don't accept the shame that the church puts on people be it because I'm single or some other reason. If they were to press it I'd quote them Rom.8:1 There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ while looking them square in the eye. I find they back off pretty quick when I stand my ground.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

While I have not personally had run-ins with people like that, I do know they exist. People who try to shame singles for being single, unless they are single for the ministry. I recall a book I had, don't remember the title but there was at least one chapter pertaining to women. The book was of course by a male author, a well-known TV evangelist (as with the title of the book, I've also forgotten who wrote it at the moment). In that chapter he scolds single women stating that if they are not married and popping out as many babies as they possibly physically can, they are rebelling against the will of God. I nearly flung the book across the room.

There are many reasons I am single, not just because I want to be. For one thing, it takes two to tango. With no realistic potential mate on the horizon at any point in my life, I can hardly get married. The few men who showed an interest in me were either: non-Christian, divorced, deadbeats, or control freak stalker-types. Some were more than one of these things, and others were none of the above, just "eww", if you know what I mean. I seriously could not view any of them as husband material, at least not for me.

Also, having to be a semi-caretaker to aging parents during my teen years meant that I wasn't active in the dating circles. I had no time or opportunity to date. My family moved around a lot, and I attended many different schools. I never established friendships with the other kids and never had a boyfriend. And I certainly wasn't pining for one.

But all that personal stuff aside- for those who insist that everyone is supposed to marry or be in full-time ministry, how would they view, for example, people with severe disabilities? The majority of them don't marry, nor are many in the ministry. I don't say that to be unkind, just as an observation. I do know some do marry (I even know of a local couple, both with mental disabilities, who married) but many do not. I just have to wonder what the judgemental ones would say about that?

No doubt they would allow that exception but little else. I think that attitude also fails to recognize that we are all damaged, sinful, works-in-progress. I grew up with an alcoholic mother from a very young age and it left me with attachment disorder among other things. I have a hard time forming deep, emotional attachments and crave time alone where no one is yelling or causing a commotion. Even if I were married to a woman who was very quiet, just having someone else in the house can prevent me from totally relaxing. I also have discovered I am not that affectionate and I don't like talking a lot. Now I know God can heal me but it's not always His will to heal us. Sometimes he uses the bad to bring about some good. I certainly don't believe the Lord wants me to run out and ask the first woman I find to marry me knowing I would be a poor husband. My heart is good but I have a lot to overcome and while I have prayed about it I'm not ready and may never be.

I would not worry. God sees the heart and I don't believe we are in sin if we do not marry. The main thing I notice in my church is that families are SO promoted that singles can't help but feel second class even though they are not overtly put down. It's kind of like having a sibling who gets all the attention because they are really good at something and so your parents dote over them and hardly recognize you. They are not putting you down but you are being ignored and not valued.

 

[dayhiker]

Well, NotUrAveGuy ... its really great how well you know yourself.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Well, NotUrAveGuy ... its really great how well you know yourself.

Thanks but there is a downside to knowing myself too much. It's easy to talk myself out of anything and everything because I feel I know myself so well. My mind goes straight to the conclusion and might prevent me from even taking a chance.

What I am working on is having more friends. I spend too much time alone. Having a girlfriend or wife would probably be too much. I don't think I'd enjoy that much company at this time. I know I'd find intimacy in marriage uncomfortable and would not look forward to fighting that battle. Friends though are more doable. The challenge is that I don't make friends easily and hate groups. You'd never get me to join a men's group at church.

I've been a loner since childhood. I've never had many friends and have always preferred to do most things alone. I never enjoyed team sports instead gravitating to individual sports. While I am as manly as the next guy, I don't gravitate towards stereotype male activities. I don't golf, hunt, or fish. I love football but only my hometown teams and I now live 2000 miles from my hometown so I don't share any interest in the local/regional teams. I almost never watch the Superbowl but my church's men's group has a big Superbowl party each year. Unless my hometown team were in it, I'd have no interest in watching and not liking groups gathering with a bunch of men for male bonding would never work for me. Yet men's groups seem to hit on all the stereotypes. Superbowl party, golf tournament, hunting seminars (Idaho is big on hunting and fishing), car shows, etc. Year after year it's the same. The men's ministry focuses on being a husband, a father, and a leader. If I were in charge I'd be spending time grounding the men in theology so they can defend themselves, the church, and their families (if they have one), against false teaching. Being a twice divorced single male though does not make me someone they want leading any teaching not to mention one who is not interested in male bonding... Most of my friends are women. Strictly platonic. Maybe having women friends helps to alleviate some need to be with women without dating or marriage.

I don't need a best friend just some friends so I am not always alone. It's not going to happen at church though.