The Gift of Singleness

NotUrAvgGuy

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I think we sometimes have pretty black and white thinking when it comes to singleness. We assume the vast majority are called to marriage and the small percentage who aren't are called to stay single so they can devote their lives to ministry. If you elect to stay single but don't get super involved in ministry then some view that as a selfish life or worse, a disobedient life.

Maybe in the ideal that's how it should be but we live in a fallen world with broken people. Some people, myself for example, are not cutout for marriage. I would not say I was born this way but life's events made me this way and no amount of prayer or effort has changed it. Some of the reasons I am not fit for marriage also affect my ability to be involved in many ministries. I am simply not social. I don't like to talk a lot. I prefer solitude. I can pray, teach (the one time I like to talk), and write but I am very uncomfortable in groups and find social contact exhausting. I crave time alone. I am also not that affectionate or desiring of affection.

I am very attracted to women but in a mental way. It does not translate much into feelings. I am a very compassionate person and do a lot to help others but beyond care I don't develop strong feelings especially romantic ones. I have some good friends but none I spend significant time with. Clearly I would not make a good husband but neither would I make a good small group leader, pastor, member of a men's group, etc. I prefer to live alone and enjoy most things in life best alone. People like me have rich thought lives and love to learn and ponder. Rather than desiring to converse with others we like to hold those conversations in our minds usually on deeper things. I am highly intelligent and my mind is a sponge. I love to learn. Talking about the day-to-day when I could be absorbing something new is a real trial. I love theology and can keep a lot in my mind. None of that makes me better than anyone and living out the faith is far more important than a head full of knowledge. I try to live it and not just know it within the my social limitations.

I think people like me are often misunderstood. People mistake our social awkwardness with being aloof or uncaring. We don't gravitate toward small groups, potlucks, or singles ministries. We are more likely to make a dash for the door after the service than stay and mingle. We avoid men's or women's groups and retreats. We sit alone in church week after week but it works fine for us. We may never understand the world of those who thrive in relationships and around people but they may never understand our world.

Do I have the gift of singleness or am I the broken product of a broken life? Only God knows.
 

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I think we sometimes have pretty black and white thinking when it comes to singleness. We assume the vast majority are called to marriage and the small percentage who aren't are called to stay single so they can devote their lives to ministry.
Even if most people are called to something, each one is unique with God's special plan for each one. So, it doesn't matter what God has done with a lot of other people, then > each one needs to prayerfully seek how God does what He desires with that person.

Yes, our Apostle Paul was single and devoted to ministry.

But look at how he related with God's children > 1 Thessalonians 2:7-11.
 
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Samaritan Woman

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I think we sometimes have pretty black and white thinking when it comes to singleness. We assume the vast majority are called to marriage and the small percentage who aren't are called to stay single so they can devote their lives to ministry. If you elect to stay single but don't get super involved in ministry then some view that as a selfish life or worse, a disobedient life.

Maybe in the ideal that's how it should be but we live in a fallen world with broken people. Some people, myself for example, are not cutout for marriage. I would not say I was born this way but life's events made me this way and no amount of prayer or effort has changed it. Some of the reasons I am not fit for marriage also affect my ability to be involved in many ministries. I am simply not social. I don't like to talk a lot. I prefer solitude. I can pray, teach (the one time I like to talk), and write but I am very uncomfortable in groups and find social contact exhausting. I crave time alone. I am also not that affectionate or desiring of affection.

I am very attracted to women but in a mental way. It does not translate much into feelings. I am a very compassionate person and do a lot to help others but beyond care I don't develop strong feelings especially romantic ones. I have some good friends but none I spend significant time with. Clearly I would not make a good husband but neither would I make a good small group leader, pastor, member of a men's group, etc. I prefer to live alone and enjoy most things in life best alone. People like me have rich thought lives and love to learn and ponder. Rather than desiring to converse with others we like to hold those conversations in our minds usually on deeper things. I am highly intelligent and my mind is a sponge. I love to learn. Talking about the day-to-day when I could be absorbing something new is a real trial. I love theology and can keep a lot in my mind. None of that makes me better than anyone and living out the faith is far more important than a head full of knowledge. I try to live it and not just know it within the my social limitations.

I think people like me are often misunderstood. People mistake our social awkwardness with being aloof or uncaring. We don't gravitate toward small groups, potlucks, or singles ministries. We are more likely to make a dash for the door after the service than stay and mingle. We avoid men's or women's groups and retreats. We sit alone in church week after week but it works fine for us. We may never understand the world of those who thrive in relationships and around people but they may never understand our world.

Do I have the gift of singleness or am I the broken product of a broken life? Only God knows.

I don't think you are "the broken product of a broken life" at all; you simply have a very rare personality temperament (I'm not a big fan of psychology but I do think that the Meyers-Brigg temperaments are pretty spot on). Those who are highly cerebral and introverted will naturally lack a proclivity for social interaction or emotional, as opposed to mental, connection; there's nothing wrong with that. Honestly, you don't sound like a dysfunctional person; rather you possess humility and introspection. For what it's worth, you may have the "gift of singleness" - whatever that means - but not everyone is called to full time/professional ministry; the Lord does need His followers out in the world to be witnesses and evangelists to an unbelieving world and you do have a role to play. Ultimately, you could witness to those similar to yourself, type of persons to whom the average Christian simply could not reach nor relate.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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I don't think you are "the broken product of a broken life" at all; you simply have a very rare personality temperament (I'm not a big fan of psychology but I do think that the Meyers-Brigg temperaments are pretty spot on). Those who are highly cerebral and introverted will naturally lack a proclivity for social interaction or emotional, as opposed to mental, connection; there's nothing wrong with that. Honestly, you don't sound like a dysfunctional person; rather you possess humility and introspection. For what it's worth, you may have the "gift of singleness" - whatever that means - but not everyone is called to full time/professional ministry; the Lord does need His followers out in the world to be witnesses and evangelists to an unbelieving world and you do have a role to play. Ultimately, you could witness to those similar to yourself, type of persons to whom the average Christian simply could not reach nor relate.

Maybe. I did have a pretty messed up childhood and marriage and they definitely affected me from a very young age. I can't say if my personality would have been different had I had a different upbringing.

I am attracted to women but when it comes to being in relationships I am not that happy. I just don't have a lot of things in life I want to do with others. I am not totally content with my life but I can't imagine anything different.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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So is it within the bounds of healthy or normal to not like to talk a lot and to not desire to go out and do things? I have a woman who wants to date me. She has Fridays and Saturdays off work. She proposed we go to an outdoor play Friday night and then go wine tasting on Saturday which requires about a 45 minute drive out to the local wine country. I've gone out with her twice both times for dinner. Those conversations were ok but after about an hour I was talked out. Driving to and from wine country and spending a couple of hours out there means roughly 3.5 hours of talk time. Even with some breaks that's a week's worth of talking for me crammed into 3.5 hours. Even if I found her absolutely fascinating if I went out Friday night with her then I'd want Saturday off. Besides I don't care for wine and spending a beautiful Saturday wine tasting when I could be going for a bike ride, hike, or kayak is not my idea of how to spend the day. Few women can keep up with me doing those activities and it gets boring going half the speed I normally would.

What that says to me is that I don't care for company enough to compromise on what I would like to be doing or the pace I'd like to be doing it at. Having someone else along to enhance the experience apparently does not enhance it for me.
 
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dayhiker

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NotUrAvgGuy .... I have one lady that would would talk my ear off ... I had to tell her that I needed some quiet time ... so now she is comfortable on a right not talking the whole ride.
SO ask for what you need if you decide to spend time with her.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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NotUrAvgGuy .... I have one lady that would would talk my ear off ... I had to tell her that I needed some quiet time ... so now she is comfortable on a right not talking the whole ride.
SO ask for what you need if you decide to spend time with her.

Yeah the problem is I would find the whole event boring. There are a lot of events people go to just for something to do or as a setting in which to socialize. Our Saturday morning farmer's market is big here. Most people don't buy produce there. They get coffee, maybe some kind of pastry, then just walk and talk. Unless you are a true wine lover than wine tasting is sort of like that. I never go to those things. Unless I have something to buy I have no interest. Since I don't care much for wine I'd have no interest in going wine tasting. I'll grant that in a relationship you sometimes do something for the sake of your partner in which case I would go wine tasting for that reason. I need to have a lot in common with someone to want to hang out with them. Otherwise we have nothing of interest to talk about. This woman is nice but the conversation got old quickly.
 
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dayhiker

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I can see where your coming from.
I'm very interested in people and what made them who they are. So I love meeting new people and hearing their story. Now some tell their story in such a boring way that it doesn't take long to want to move on. So that I understand ... I don't find most people are that way.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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This may sound bad but most of the time I like to talk about more intellectual things. I find the day to day stuff interesting for only a brief period of time. Then my mind wants to ponder deeper things. As an introvert I like time to think without having to talk. I like to be able to pause and go research something. Live conversation does not allow for that. My mind works differently. It functions on a deeper level than most people.
 
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dayhiker

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I used to say that as well. Then one day God said to me something like if I can enjoying being with this person and the way they want to talk about the little things of life why don't you? As I thought about this, I can to see that that was the way I could love that person the way God wanted them loved.
Thoughts?
 
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Sir Robbins

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I pretty much identify as asexual. I don't really have interest in sex BUT, I desire companionship and will compromise if I must. However, due to my business and lifestyle, I have chosen single for life for a multitude of reasons, not just the ones I recently listed. Some do better single though they don't desire it or are called to it. I know I'm not. When I work, they are 15 hour days so I get you in the sense of not wanting to go out anywhere. My social life is work. That's it.

I've seen people who chose it out of their past too.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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I used to say that as well. Then one day God said to me something like if I can enjoying being with this person and the way they want to talk about the little things of life why don't you? As I thought about this, I can to see that that was the way I could love that person the way God wanted them loved.
Thoughts?

I see your point and what can I say other than I am not God. I strive to be and certainly do spend time listening to others even when I'd rather be alone. I just have to pace myself. I am a work in progress. I think God uses all kinds of people.
 
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continueinfaith

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I think we sometimes have pretty black and white thinking when it comes to singleness. We assume the vast majority are called to marriage and the small percentage who aren't are called to stay single so they can devote their lives to ministry. If you elect to stay single but don't get super involved in ministry then some view that as a selfish life or worse, a disobedient life.

Maybe in the ideal that's how it should be but we live in a fallen world with broken people. Some people, myself for example, are not cutout for marriage. I would not say I was born this way but life's events made me this way and no amount of prayer or effort has changed it. Some of the reasons I am not fit for marriage also affect my ability to be involved in many ministries. I am simply not social. I don't like to talk a lot. I prefer solitude. I can pray, teach (the one time I like to talk), and write but I am very uncomfortable in groups and find social contact exhausting. I crave time alone. I am also not that affectionate or desiring of affection.

I am very attracted to women but in a mental way. It does not translate much into feelings. I am a very compassionate person and do a lot to help others but beyond care I don't develop strong feelings especially romantic ones. I have some good friends but none I spend significant time with. Clearly I would not make a good husband but neither would I make a good small group leader, pastor, member of a men's group, etc. I prefer to live alone and enjoy most things in life best alone. People like me have rich thought lives and love to learn and ponder. Rather than desiring to converse with others we like to hold those conversations in our minds usually on deeper things. I am highly intelligent and my mind is a sponge. I love to learn. Talking about the day-to-day when I could be absorbing something new is a real trial. I love theology and can keep a lot in my mind. None of that makes me better than anyone and living out the faith is far more important than a head full of knowledge. I try to live it and not just know it within the my social limitations.

I think people like me are often misunderstood. People mistake our social awkwardness with being aloof or uncaring. We don't gravitate toward small groups, potlucks, or singles ministries. We are more likely to make a dash for the door after the service than stay and mingle. We avoid men's or women's groups and retreats. We sit alone in church week after week but it works fine for us. We may never understand the world of those who thrive in relationships and around people but they may never understand our world.

Do I have the gift of singleness or am I the broken product of a broken life? Only God knows.
I feel very much the same way. I am happiest single. I've never married, never really wanted to marry. I don't feel called to marry. I don't think I would make a good wife, and that it would be unfair to my husband. Being single is a choice for me, but not entirely. I've had a few "suitors" over the years but they were not right for me, and some of them scared me! So there never really has been a realistic potential mate for me, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Many years ago I prayed that if God wanted me to marry, that He bring the right person into my life, and that I would know that this person was meant for me. I wasn't asking for a mate, because I really didn't want one, but wanted to leave the door open if that was in His will for my life. It didn't happen, so I can only believe that my own feelings are correct, at least for now. I am content and perfectly happy as a single. Maybe that will change someday, but for now I'm content.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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I often feel the church doesn't know what to do with older singles unless is a widowed mother or a very clear case of major spousal abuse. The ideal Christian life is supposed to be childhood, marriage, family, then being grandparents. People expect you will be single for a short season after high school graduation. Wait too long though and people may think you're not serious about marriage and would rather be free to have fun and not have to have the responsibilities of marriage and family. If you never marry people wonder why.

Church life parallels your relational status. You are in youth groups growing up then college and career followed by a class for young marrieds. As children arrive then it's the men's group for the father and the women's group for the wife. You fellowship with the other young parents. Once your kids are grown then you eagerly await being grandparents so you can support your kids and grandkids. Your entire life is expected to revolve around family.

Older divorced members can be problematic. Unless there is a clear and universally approved reason for the divorce, some might question if you were at fault (in some way) in a sinful divorce. Socially you are a misfit. You don't fit with the other couples/families. Wives may not trust you around their husbands or husbands around their wives. You might be "adopted" by some well meaning friends at church, but eventually they expect to see you remarried or else they don't know what to do with you.

Clearly family is God's design. It is the norm. However, being or staying single is not a disease or a sin and somehow the church has to start accepting singles past a certain age as valued members of the church who are not biding their time until they marry. They don't have a disease for which marriage is the cure. Rather than trying to fix them or not know what to do with them, just except them and love them and treat them like anyone else.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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Maybe, just maybe, God will introduce you to a Lady you will fall deeply in love with!
Of course that is always a possibility but not one I assume will happen. I was married and divorced for a Biblical reason but I am happier living alone. I only like company in small doses. Not enough to be married and living with someone. I also don't care much for affection. I just don't think I'd make a good husband. Yes God could change me and if He does awesome but at this point it's not something I pray for. I am pretty content.
 
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NotUrAvgGuy

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I generally don't think God takes a characteristic that isn't bad and changes it in a person.
Well put. However, I know many Christians who believe that unless you have a specific calling to remain single for the sake of the kingdom then you should pursue marriage. In other words, the only Biblical reason for remaining single (with a couple of exceptions I'll get to) is to devote your life to service in a way a married Christian could not. To remain single but devote that extra time to worldly pursuits would not be God's will they say.

I imagine beyond a certain age no one would fault you for not seeking remarriage nor if you are in a divorced situation that does not allow for remarriage.

Saying you are happier single or would make a poor spouse would not be valid reasons. If that is how you feel then they would say pray and ask God to heal you.

That said, remaining single is not going to send you to hell. Whether we are married or single we need to constantly examine our lives and see if we are serving God as best we can. I don't think being single means you have to go be a missionary somewhere or devote every spare minute to ministry. I think our prayer should be, "Father if its your will for me to be married then prepare me for that and lead me to the person you would have me marry. If not, or until I meet that person, show me how best to serve and live my life for your glory."

I don't believe in scolding the singles and questioning their motives. Leave it to the Holy Spirit to speak to their hearts. The Church is a family, but a broken family. It is made up of all kinds of people united by their love for Christ. We are all works-in-progress and all should be loved and accepted. Churches should be careful not to alienate singles especially those past a certain age. We should not be viewed as lacking or incomplete. In Christ we are complete.
 
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