Of all the passages in the Bible that I seem to reflect most, it has to be writer of Romans lament about his struggles to do what he knows he must and what is required by Jesus:
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
(Rom. 7:19)
(Rom. 7:19)
With all the "Do's" in the verse I always think of it as the "doo bee doo bee doo" verse. As mnemonics go, it's pretty weak, but it works for me.
My faith has always vacillated between cold and tepid. Recently though I've determined to draw closer to God. Trying to keep an open and tender heart before Jesus and trying to listen for the Holy Spirit's checks throughout the day, e.g., maybe I shouldn't be in a conversation disparaging a co-worker, maybe I shouldn't watch that TV show, maybe I shouldn't be looking at that woman that way, etc.
Before I became a Christian I read numerous apologetic books and a lot of Christian biographies and Christian history. I didn't come to faith through them, but I did think at the time, if Christianity were true and Jesus is real, that would be the greatest thing on earth and I could understand why folks who did know this (or at least thought they did) were so zealous and unashamed of Jesus.
I have a good friend who's zealous like that. He doesn't think twice about going to a restaurant and pulling out a big ole' thick Bible to read and talk about during the meal. It mortified me before I was a Christian and those public displays of a love for Jesus still makes me uncomfortable whenever we go to lunch. He's a Christian that "knows that he knows that he knows." I'm a Christian that is forever praying the prayer of Thomas, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!"
I decided to become a Christian after reading a quote that basically said, the world says you have to see it to believe it. God says you have to believe it to see it. I could memorize all the C.S. Lewis, Os Guiness or Josh McDowell books out there and have an assent of apologetics, but I needed to take the step of faith and repent, confess and believe in Jesus. After I did that, there were no tingles, fireworks, or tears. No enveloping peace and joy.
There've been small quiet moments of God's presence and hand in my life, but I so desparately want to come to that assured faith, knowledge and revelation of a Jesus who is really and truly standing besides me. I have all the head knowledge of Christianity I can handle. As a lawyer I make a living handling, interpreting and synthesizing words and ideas. I don't want to have my Christianity be the sum total of head knowledge and an occasional prod by a well meaning believer to "only believe."
Maybe that's why I'm drawn to the pentecostal/charismatic churches. I need that experience and encounter with God. I want to embody that quip that says a person with an experience of God cannot be swayed by a person with an argument about God. I don't want to chase after every sign and wonder revival meeting, but I do get a great longing when reading about testimonies of people who have life altering baptisms in the Holy Spirit or who have had the very presence of God so overwhelm them that they're never the same.
Until that encounter with the uncreated God, I'll still be living out Frank's verse, sometimes cold, sometimes tepid, but I won't leave the faith. Like Peter answered Jesus when asked if he would leave, "Lord where else would I go?"
