No, I meant why do you feel compelled to write about it if what you really think you should do is sit and dwell on it?
I don't know that I
should sit and be silent. I take the scripture very seriously, and I believe that false teaching - even with the best of intentions - is a great sin against the truth. One of the greatest sins of all. It's tantamount to spiritual murder in that you can kill someone's spirit; you can unintentionally wreck spiritual destruction, you can kill people's faith and hope if you're teaching what isn't true. This is a serious crime against God. I look at what I'm saying from every conceivable angle afforded me, and all I conclude is, what I'm lead to understand is the truth. But then there is the thought "What if the understanding is wrong?"
What if?
No matter how certain I am of this understanding, I look around and think, "They all believe their understanding is right; and if I look at them and say 'They think they're right; but they are wrong' can't the same be true of me?" Even though I look at everyone else and conclude "Clearly none of them have done their homework; they're all just looking at a few scriptures and repeating what they've been taught to believe; nothing they understand is true" I have to look at my self and think, "Couldn't I be the same,
what if this understanding is wrong?" This is when I'll desire to just, go away and sit under a tree and be silent. Because the last thing I want is to hurt others in any way, shape or form; not only physically, but (even moreso) spiritually hurt them. And if there's a chance, I don't
want to take it.
But when I go to do this, and be alone, and sit by myself in silence; suddenly everything around me starts sending the message "You need to go back" "She needs your help" "Stop running" "You can't keep silent" "You have to fight" "They're trying to hurt her" and I'm deluged by this, and I can't ignore it. "What if this understanding
is right?" This is compelling me to not keep silent. I find myself caught between "What if speaking is hurting her?" and "What if keeping silent is hurting her?" By "her" I mean, the "Bride"; the innocent/young in Christ. If what I'm lead to understand is true, then I
have to help her. I have to protect her from the ones trying to capture her and put her in shackles, and hurt her spirit.
I feel spiritually assaulted from every side, I feel spiritually bloodied and battered from constant spiritual warring against false teachings, I feel tired, and alone, and exhausted. I just want to be left alone, to myself, to live out my days in solitude and silence. But right when I'm about to say "Enough, I'm done with this" someone will post a video like:
And I see more than just surface imagery: I see a message saying "You can't leave, she needs your help" (mix this with about a thousand other messages being thrown at me at the same time) and all I can do is, keep fighting, pray that God is directing my every step, and fight until the end. One may look at that video and see, a fiction; I look at it and see, an allegory of a spiritual war of teachers that says "Don't abandon her"; so, even though I would want to leave, I'm compelled to remain. Couple this with the fact that as I'm lead to understand, we're on the verge of an event like no other. And I'm just compelled to try to help her through this time.
And, remember,
you asked.