The attitude towards SAHD?

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I'm just wondering...

Why is it that the majority of people seem to applaud the woman for staying at home with her children, yet won't do the same for a dad who does it - or for a couple that implement joint part-time work so that DH is staying at home for the same amount of time that mum does, yet both still work (just different hours)?

It's just something I keep seeing, and it has me confused? Why does it seem 'better' to some people that the mum be the one staying with the kids, and not the dad?

Hmm... this has me bothered...

Sasch

 

[seebs]

A lot of people believe that moms are inherently better at raising kids, and/or have fixated upon cultural gender roles from about a century back as morally normative.

 

[Redguard]

I guess a lot of people just hold on to a lot of old-school values and beliefs. Either that, or they just assume men to be too stupid to be capable of managing a home or kids.

This reminds me of a funny (or, not so funny) story.

I'm typically the one who brings and picks up my daughter from her daycare. She attends a pretty large school-type facility with lots of other kids and teachers.

So all the teachers are familiar with me, and the other parents (moms mostly) are familiar with me. Cool beans.

One day, the daycare holds a family BBQ, and my wife and I attend. So we're sitting there, eating burgers, and my wife can hear two heifers a short distance behind us talking. Here's what they say.

Heifer #1: Who's that woman beside Rachel's dad?
Heifer #2: I think that's her mom.
Heifer #1: Really? I've never seen her. I've always just assumed that she wasn't around or that he was widowed or divorced or something.
Heifer #2: Yeah, me too. But I saw her picking up Rachel one evening and Rachel called her "mommy".


I'm surprised that my wife didn't jump over the bench and cut them. But can you believe that? They thought that I must've been widowed or something because they never saw "mommy" picking up the kid.

I just don't think that the same assumption would've been made if it were the other way around. It would be more like, "Well, mom is picking up the kid because either dad is at work, or he's just too manly to do something sissy like pick up a kid from daycare."

Not fair.

 

[Oblivious]

Simple answer is that it's the "old school" attitude that the man/husband/father is supposed to be the provider for the family, not the stay at home mother. <shrugs>

 

[cobweb]

The main reasons that I have stayed home in the past are:

1) I have less earning power (work experience, education) than my husband. It makes more sense for the one who can make more money to work the most hours.

2) Breastfeeding would be a bit more complicated for him.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

It has to do with the stupid gender stereotypes we have all been indoctrinated with.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I applaud sahd. To a degree I think they have it harder than sahms. We fully intended for my husband to stay home and me work full-time since I have a degree. It just didn't happen that way -yet.

Stereo-types are hard for some people to get past.

 

[TheAJKMan]

Well, let us all set about breaking down those barriers, each in his/her own way.

TheAJKMan

 

[Linnis]

I think a lot of people have old fashioned ideas about raising children.

My parents did the opposite shift thing, so my Dad was home with us first shift then my mom came home, Dad took the car and went to work and mum was home second shift.

I think later when I am able to work and our children are older, I wouldn't mind working part-time.

I think this falls along with the idea of people who talk of Dad "babysitting" his own children. I find that concept so weird. Uh, no, he's parenting his children.

 

[Febe]

I'm just wondering...

Why is it that the majority of people seem to applaud the woman for staying at home with her children, yet won't do the same for a dad who does it - or for a couple that implement joint part-time work so that DH is staying at home for the same amount of time that mum does, yet both still work (just different hours)?

It's just something I keep seeing, and it has me confused? Why does it seem 'better' to some people that the mum be the one staying with the kids, and not the dad?

Hmm... this has me bothered...

Sasch

The first year I think it is quite practical with a mom, as she might brestfeed; after that bouth parents are equally good for me!

 

[MaraPetra]

It goes along the lines of gender roles, and also (at least here in the US) the propensity for divorcing moms to get domiciliary custody of the kids. Thus, a daddy alone with his kids is easily suspect of all sorts of crazy assumptions.

My husband was a single dad (sole custody of both of his cuties) for over six years, and you would not believe how many people initially assumed that his wife had died! It boggled people's minds how a mother could leave her children, and the father take them on, alone, willingly...To them, it just wasn't "normal".

After we were married, when hubby injured his knee, he stayed at home with the kids, and I worked. There were quite a few people, even within the church(!), who wrinkled their noses at the arrangement...Like my husband was some sort of a deadbeat! First off, it's nobody's business but those in that sort of domestic arrangement, secondly, his knee was horribly injured to an extent that he couldn't walk, and thirdly, don't people have something better to talk about than a daddy who cares enough to actually parent his children?

A SAHD definately has my sympathy and respect. Not only does he do the work that a woman typically does, but he also endures the curiosity, scorn and prejudices from others who either don't understand the arrangement, or are too narrow-minded to do more than gossip about it. We've lived enough in the SAHD arrangement that I have a lower opinion of men who work all the time and neglect their family for the almighty dollar (and therefore isn't home for his kids at all), than of a man who doesn't work and tends his family diligently while the wife works.

My dream is to get enough experience and earning power so that my husband can stay home with the kids full-time again. Why? He's an excellent cook, he's incredibly efficient with the housecleaning, he ROCKS as a dad, and he's not afraid to get with his kids and play with them. He's sensitive enough to kiss a boo-boo or give a warm hug, and masculine enough to cut the grass, fix the van or change the oil. Also, I'm more temperamentally suited to the workforce than he is, and I have a higher potential both for earnings, and for continued education in my chosen field.

God gives us each the gifts to "live life more abundant". Sometimes, a man can have a gift that isn't suited to the sexual stereotypes of today's world.

 

[Lordbay]

My Wife has a child and I have none, but we have said that I would stay at home if and when God gives us a child together. When we got married, I stepped in started taking care of the home. I am still better with the home than my Wife. I was raised in a home were everyone learned to take care of the home, but she was not. She was raised in a single parent home (as well the same as me) were Mom had to work and did not have time. My mom worked, but made sure we knew how.
I know one time, I went to the school for my step-child and the teachers were just floored the I would come to talk to the teachers.

Like someone has said before, sterotype are just hard to shake.

 

[Leanna]

I think stay at home dad's are great, or sharing part time work.

 

[seamonster]

I don't have a problem with SAHD at all. As long as one parent stays home with the kids, I think it's awesome

 

[Febe]

I think stay at home dad's are great, or sharing part time work.

I don't know for USA, but in Sweden, SAHD often gets more praise than SAHM, for doing exactly the same thing...

 

[Linnis]

Gender roles go both ways sometimes.

Like some people are shocked at the idea of a female Engineer for example. They think she's not tough or strong enough or good enough at math for the role. That she cannot take the physical or mentel demands.

My Dad used to get comments about how he would do the cooking, laundry etc Other men would insinuate he was less of a man for doing so, that they'd never be caught dead doing laundry etc. While women would praise him to no end, like they had this idea a man wouldn't be too feeble minded to cook 3 meals a day, keep the house clean and get 5 or 6 loads of laundry done.

Families are about working together to provide for the needs of that family. Sometimes roles get blurred what's important is the needs of the family are met.

 

[E-beth]

My husband is a SAHD, due to a disability.

He is his own worst critic. Many times he feels like he isn't being a good enough provider, that he is stagbating in mind and body while watching our son almost exclusively.

Yet, while all I ever wanted to be is a SAHM, I am finding unexpected blessing in my son spending his preschool years with his Dad. Dad isn't as overprotective as I am, and lets him be a boy. And Dad does more boy junk with him, like fixing or washing cars.

What we lack is good SAHD support. Everybody knows of a Mommy and Me or Moms Day Out group. There aren't many (if any) stay at home dad support or get-together groups.

 

[sjdennis]

Firstly let me affirm that there is nothing wrong with someone being a SAHD!

However, I couldn't cope with that. The reason most people view SAHM as more normal / OK is because of tradition. BUT this tradition developed from very practical roots. The woman is the one with breasts - much more practical when children are young. The man is generally stronger, more capable of hunting for food, doing physical work. Men and woman are equal in value, but different physically. The natural role for them to slip in to in a traditional society is working dad, SAHM.

In modern society far more white-collar jobs are available. A high proportion of the population works in an office - in non-physical work there is less advantage being a man. Also, some bright spark invented a handy little device called the brassiere, making it much easier for woman to do physical work as well...

Due primarily to these two modern developments, the idea of having women in the workforce became more practical. In addition, around the turn of the last century feminism became more popular and womens libertarians gained women the right to work in many new areas, as well as vote etc.

Over the next 50 years or so, the proportion of women in the workforce increased markedly. Now, instead of just the men wanting jobs, both the men and the women were wanting to work. Twice as many people wanting jobs, but there is still basically the same amount of work to do, and the same amount of money available for people to be paid. Solution: Wages must be distributed. Now, instead of a mans salary being enough to support a family, he only earns half as much as he might have a century ago, in relative terms, now two salaries may be needed for the same level of comfortable living. So many women are now FORCED to work, as well as their husbands, due to financial pressures. This is very different to the situation a century ago where they just wanted to be able to work.

Because of all this, women in the workforce have become much more normative. As a result, the wife now may be the higher wage earner of the couple, and the choice may be made for her to work and the husband stay at home and look after the children. In some cases this is because the parents want it like this, but in others they may be forced to do so for financial reasons.

This is my spin on it all. SAHD is not as traditionally practical. I personally believe that most women (not to put anyone into a mould) are more suited to housekeeping than men - they are more able to multitask and deal with screaming kids, pots boiling and the phone ringing all at the same time, which I could not do! I feel that men have been designed by God to work, and women have been designed both physically and mentally to raise children.

In conclusion, men and women are different. This is not to say that it is wrong to be a SAHD, many people are forced into this situation through injury or financial pressures. But it is very sad that in our society couples may be forced against their will into this unnatural situation through financial pressures. I do admire any father who is actually able to cope when this situation is forced upon him by the pressures of our modern world.

I know I could cop a lot of flack for this, just take it or leave it, it's only my opinion.

 

[Redguard]

The woman is the one with breasts

Proof!

 

[InTheFlame]

This is my spin on it all. SAHD is not as traditionally practical. I personally believe that most women (not to put anyone into a mould) are more suited to housekeeping than men - they are more able to multitask and deal with screaming kids, pots boiling and the phone ringing all at the same time, which I could not do!

Hmmmm... sounds as though you and I both feel much the same about stay-at-home parenthood!