The Anti-Guide!

[sunstruckdream]

I saw this on another site, and I thought it'd be fun to try here. What SHOULDN'T you do in your writing? Suggest it! For instance, if you want to say that writers should avoid cliches, in this thread you would say:

'Use cliches! We all love them!'

So...let's get it going! Count the cliches as my first contribution. Who's next?

 

[Tariel]

Imitate Paolini every chance you get - make opportunities to do so if you have to. In fact, never be afraid to blatantly copy successful authors of any brand, the readers never notice.

 

[sunstruckdream]

Oh, and don't worry about switching between tenses. Past, present...whatever you feel like! They'll be able to keep up, right?

 

[Lessien]

It's not a cliche; it's an archetype. And your main character--you know, the one with the same hair, eye and skin color as you? The one who is the same gender, same height and the same race (or your world's equivalent) as you, who shares your chocolate addiction and your 'feisty, spitfire personality' (which is NOT just a fancy way of saying you've been in anger management since you were ten)? That character isn't a Mary Sue. She's just a lot like you.

 

[NavyGuy7]

Always remember to stop writing the book before you get the whole ending together, so that it suddenly stops.
Oh, and make sure every single hero has a double chin and great athletic capabilities.

 

[Tariel]

It's not a cliche; it's an archetype. And your main character--you know, the one with the same hair, eye and skin color as you? The one who is the same gender, same height and the same race (or your world's equivalent) as you, who shares your chocolate addiction and your 'feisty, spitfire personality' (which is NOT just a fancy way of saying you've been in anger management since you were ten)? That character isn't a Mary Sue. She's just a lot like you.

You should totally make all your characters like this - at least your main character. There's nothing wrong with having a character just like yourself. If people complain that your character is too talented, don't worry about it - they're just jealous because you're such a wonderful person. You should also make the main character's love interest exactly like your dream boyfriend (or girlfriend, if you happen to be male). You know, the one who just happens to be the greatest warrior in the world, intelligent, incredibly romantic, just sensitive enough. He's also talented at everything (but not quite as talented as you), comes from a poor family, and just happens to be royalty. He's also incredibly hot . After all, every Elven-computer-hacker-ballerina-princess needs a guy to match her, right?

 

[Lessien]

Oh, and make sure your heroine has a nemesis. Not an evil villian--that'll come later--but a girl who isn't nearly as pretty as she is but somehow still manages to win the hero's affections. But make sure that the hero chooses the heroine over Pretty Nemesis, even if Heroine is a pug-faced cow (remember what we said about making sure your heroine is blindingly beautiful? 'Pug-faced Cow' doesn't cut it.) and Pretty Nemesis looks like an angel. Heroine should always win.

 

[sunstruckdream]

And remember, nothing can ever go wrong in your romances. The two people in love are never, EVER mad at each other - it's them against the rest of the world! By the way, everything and everyone they come across hungers to tear them apart. Thanks to their iron-strong bond of flawless devotion, neither of them ever sways. As a matter of fact, neither of them even notices when a member of the opposite sex is remotely attractive! The course of true love ALWAYS runs smooth!

 

[sunstruckdream]

Oh, yeah...and every MC must have self-defense and martial arts skills. If they're jumped in a parking lot, it MUST be within the power of your sixteen-year-old, changeling-but-doesn't-know-it, being-hunted-by-an-otherworldly-villain, golden-blonde cheerleader to beat up and escape from six huge, muscled, buff men with knives. I mean, come ON...isn't that common knowledge?

 

[Lessien]

Your main villain's fatal flaw will always be overconfidence. Period. There is no such thing as a villain with such low self-esteem and major paranoia issues that he becomes a serial killer in what he thinks is self-defense. Nobody would read a story like that because everyone LOVES villians who shout "This cannot be! I am INVINCIBLE!!!" moments before the hero kills them.

 

[Snark]

Always remember that if your hero is caught in a death trap, your villain will go into a gloating monologue for half an hour, giving ample time to escape.

No true villain will ever simply shoot the hero and get it over with.

 

[Lessien]

Your villain can't be graphically evil. He can't do things so awful that your readers cringe because then that would somehow promote what he's doing. Never mind that he's the VILLAIN and, as a consequence, does evil. Make your villain a paper cutout who gloats, monologues and sneers, but does little else. After all, hating the hero and having nice hair constitutes depravity, right?

 

[sunstruckdream]

Your villain can't be graphically evil. He can't do things so awful that your readers cringe because then that would somehow promote what he's doing. Never mind that he's the VILLAIN and, as a consequence, does evil. Make your villain a paper cutout who gloats, monologues and sneers, but does little else. After all, hating the hero and having nice hair constitutes depravity, right?

i basically fell off the chair laughing when i read that ^^

Make up a language for your beautiful race of mountain elves, but don't go to too much trouble. Just scramble up a little bit of pig Latin. Don't worry! It's never been done before. No one's going to care if every word in the dialect has 7 consonants and one vowel. You're being ORIGINAL.

 

[Lessien]

And with the dwarves and/or giants, just scramble together a bunch of consonents, especially Ks and Ys. And don't bother translating when your characters speak other languages; your readers LIKE constantly having to turn to the back of the book to figure out what your characters are saying. They won't give up and call you a moron when you write an entire conversation in Elvish/Dwarvish/Rotarian/Preschoolerese and keep the translations in the back of the book. Remember, writing the translations alongside what your characters say is a mark of a weak writer.

 

[Tariel]

And with the dwarves and/or giants, just scramble together a bunch of consonents, especially Ks and Ys. And don't bother translating when your characters speak other languages; your readers LIKE constantly having to turn to the back of the book to figure out what your characters are saying. They won't give up and call you a moron when you write an entire conversation in Elvish/Dwarvish/Rotarian/Preschoolerese and keep the translations in the back of the book. Remember, writing the translations alongside what your characters say is a mark of a weak writer.

Oh yes. The readers LOVE that sort of thing. And no, they aren't tired of every single fantasy novel being filled with Elves and Dwarves and little else. After all, original races are for people with too much creativity. Elves and Dwarves have always worked well in the past - just not together. Remember, imitating Tolkien is ALWAYS a good idea, so your Elves and Dwarves must hate each other. Since you're not as special as Tolkien, you shouldn't even have that one rare pair that work well together despite all else.

 

[Lessien]

Oh yes. The readers LOVE that sort of thing. And no, they aren't tired of every single fantasy novel being filled with Elves and Dwarves and little else. After all, original races are for people with too much creativity. Elves and Dwarves have always worked well in the past - just not together. Remember, imitating Tolkien is ALWAYS a good idea, so your Elves and Dwarves must hate each other. Since you're not as special as Tolkien, you shouldn't even have that one rare pair that work well together despite all else.

Exactly. And your elves should be tall, thin and mystical, while your dwarves are short, fat and unsophisticated. Nobody would like you if you switched these two stereotypes; readers ache for the vanilla familiarity of Tolkien. Nobody likes dark chocolate, chips and salsa or even white chocolate. They love Tolkien, and want more of the same.

On that same note, they loved Tolkien's names, too. Why not use the names he used and just scramble them up a bit? You don't have to do too much; just enough to bypass copyright laws. For example: Elessar. That'd make a great girls' name, don't you think? Just add an I on the end and you get Elessari. Perfect! Try this with other names: Ardwen, Gandalfo, Frodon....

 

[Tariel]

Exactly. And your elves should be tall, thin and mystical, while your dwarves are short, fat and unsophisticated. Nobody would like you if you switched these two stereotypes; readers ache for the vanilla familiarity of Tolkien. Nobody likes dark chocolate, chips and salsa or even white chocolate. They love Tolkien, and want more of the same.

On that same note, they loved Tolkien's names, too. Why not use the names he used and just scramble them up a bit? You don't have to do too much; just enough to bypass copyright laws. For example: Elessar. That'd make a great girls' name, don't you think? Just add an I on the end and you get Elessari. Perfect! Try this with other names: Ardwen, Gandalfo, Frodon....

Actually, since copyright laws don't extend to names, you may as well use Tolkien names straight out of the book as minor characters (you don't want the reader to think you're being too obvious.)

 

[Lessien]

Oh yes, of course! How silly of me....but still. You don't want Tolkien's rabid fans mad at you.

And another thing: You know that girl your male MC is in love with? She shouldn't be an original character with quirks and a unique personality. She should either be so headstrong she messes things up and the MC has to save her, or so weak she needs the MC to save her from a yapping Chihuahua. After all, your MC is the hero. Shouldn't he have to save the day constantly?

 

[Tariel]

Oh yes, of course! How silly of me....but still. You don't want Tolkien's rabid fans mad at you.

And another thing: You know that girl your male MC is in love with? She shouldn't be an original character with quirks and a unique personality. She should either be so headstrong she messes things up and the MC has to save her, or so weak she needs the MC to save her from a yapping Chihuahua. After all, your MC is the hero. Shouldn't he have to save the day constantly?

Of course he should Either way, she should always get locked away in a tower at some point in the story, so that the MC has to go rescue her.

 

[sunstruckdream]

On his way to rescue her, however, he has to run into that awful trap the despicable villain set for him. And the trap, of course, has been cleverly devised to bring the hero face to face with all his worst fears and insecurities. After all, the villain knows everything. He's been stalking the hero for years, watching his every move through a crystal orb and cackling while running his long, long nails over its surface (remember how we said to imitate Tolkien?)