The 2017 Christmas Cracker Joke Thread

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Only one more week till Christmas, then I promise the awful jokes will finish

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

How does Christmas Day end?

With a Y

What Carol is heard in the desert?

Oh camel ye faithful

What is Santa's favourite place to deliver presents?

Idaho-ho-ho

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

What did the drunk snowman say to the carrot?

Get out of my face!

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Annnnnnnd, five days till Christmas!!

 

[JackRT]

Q: So, how does our regular alphabet differ from the Christmas alphabet?

A: The Christmas alphabet has "no L".

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it 'soots' him!

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less

 

[JackRT]

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second at an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, which comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least 1 good child in each. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles/second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

 

[Spikey]

I met the man who invented shelving tonight, I must say he's a ledge.

I bet a butcher £100 that he couldn't get two pieces of beef from the top shelf, he declined because the steaks were too high.

I've never been to America.. But I've been in a few states

 

[JackRT]

I've never been to America.. But I've been in a few states.

I've been in a few states --- in America. Wasn't impressed. I guess I am just too provincial.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Knock, knock. Who's there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any mince pies left

How did Scrooge win the football match?

The ghost of Christmas passed

What athlete is warmest in winter?

A long jumper

 

[JackRT]

A blonde walks into the post office and says “I want 50 stamps for my Christmas cards.” The clerk asks “What denominations, ma'am?” She says “Oh my God, has it really come down to this? OK, give me 8 catholic, 6 anglican, 10 presbyterian, 12 methodist and 14 baptist.”

 

[Spikey]

I'm eating a balanced diet.. I have a cake in each hand.

 

[JackRT]

I'm eating a balanced diet.. I have a cake in each hand.

Fruitcake is very healthy. Fruit, grain, butter and booze --- all four important food groups.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was the chicken's day off

Who use to visit a baby Wolverine at Christmas?

Santa Claws

 

[Spikey]

A bloke walks into a pub pulling a heavy chain behind him, the barman asks "why are you pulling that chain" the bloke says "Because it's easier than pushing it."

 

[JackRT]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?"

 

[JackRT]

Eleanor Rooseveldt speaking to a ladies’ group commented “I have had a rose named after me. A sample was sent to the White House but I did not appreciate the comment that came with it ---- does not do well in a bed but is fine against a wall.”

 

[Spikey]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? he got Santa tattooed on his arm.

 

[JackRT]

Well I do know about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac --- he lies awake at night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

 

[The-Doctor]

Shalom Robban!!! So good to see you Aww this thread almost feels like a family reunion, lol.

Why did the choir have to cancel their Carol service?
Because they all caught Tinselitis

Yay the cracker thread is back

What do snowmen use to get around on...biccicles

What did Santa say to mrs Claus when he looked out the window on Christmas Eve...looks like reindeer.

What do you call Father Christmas on a beach...sandy claus

Not a cracker joke but thought was funny what has four legs and an arm...a happy police dog.