The 2017 Christmas Cracker Joke Thread

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Roll up roll up my lovelies it is now the 1st December and our very own Christmas Advent Cracker joke thread has been resurrected for another year. The aim of the thread is to drop in those awful family friendly Christmas Cracker jokes that we will be finding in 25 days time. The thread will pretty much die a death after Christmas Day since I'll probably be too busy in the kitchen however feel free to keep it going. So here it goes!

What kind of motorbike does Santa have?
A Holly Davidson

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards

What does a frog do if his car breaks down over Christmas?
He gets it toad away

What's round and bad tempered?
A vicious circle

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Snow caps

Two snowmen were standing in a field. One says "Can you smell carrots?"

Why was the turkey in a pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks

What did Adam say the day before the first Christmas?
It's Christmas Eve

Why did the pony have to gargle?
Because it was a little horse



22 days before Christmas!

 

[Robban]

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Snow caps

Two snowmen were standing in a field. One says "Can you smell carrots?"

Why was the turkey in a pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks

What did Adam say the day before the first Christmas?
It's Christmas Eve

Why did the pony had to gargle?
Because it was a little horse



22 days before Christmas!

"Slept like a log last night,
woke up in the fireplace."

(Tommy Cooper)

Happy 4/12 Lotus.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Shalom Robban!!! So good to see you Aww this thread almost feels like a family reunion, lol.

Why did the choir have to cancel their Carol service?
Because they all caught Tinselitis

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A Barberqueue

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels

What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?

Twerky

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Harold
Harold who?
Hark the Harold angels sing

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Which football team did our baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United

Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not old enough to be pilots

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

What is Jeremy Corbyn's favourite Christmas pop song?
All I want for Christmas is EU

I can't get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?

About 5 minutes

Which parent is more likely to do the Christmas shopping this year?

Dad might, Marmite not

 

[Spikey]

Two caterpillars looking up at a butterfly, one says to the other "You would never get me up in one of them."

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

A man walks into a bar..............ouch!

Why are Christmas trees very bad at knitting?

Because they always drop their needles

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

I've just realised that it's 14 days before Christmas!!

 

[Spikey]

A white horse walks into a bar, the barman says "We have a whiskey named after you."
The horse says "What Dobbin?"

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?

He keeps a logbook

When is pizza an acceptable Christmas dish?

When it's deep pan, crisp and even.

 

[Spikey]

Last joke before I leave the forum

Past Present and Future walk into a bar..... It was tense

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Why was Theresa May sacked as the Nativity Manager?

She couldn't run a stable government

Which tv Christmas special is being filmed in Brussels this year?

Deal or no Deal

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Snowflakes

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

What do you give a dog for Christmas?

A mobile bone

What do you call a train loaded with Toffee?

A chew chew train

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

What's a horse's favourite soap opera?

Neighbours

Why didn't anyone bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on Ebay?

Because they were two deer

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Got a Christmas card full of rice today. I think it was from my Uncle Ben.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette

Which supermarket did best in the Holy Land?

Oh Lidl, crown of Bethlehem