Thanks

[Wyatt1525]

Thanks for the advice everyone

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I pray for you for direction from the Lord for his will in your life.
'In all things put God first and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success'.
Proverbs
God bless

 

[Tolworth John]

t's hard to believe I could be their dad in a matter of months.

You are planning to marry later this year? That is what a matter of months mean.

Get real, If you want a sequre marriage you will be marrying in three or four years time.
That will give the pair of you to determine whether you are suited for each other, for her daughters time to get to know you, to start trusting and accepting you.

what ever you are going to do, talk to her about how she is bring up her daughters, investigate how you will interact and what changes you would be bringing.
If you are both serious, descus the no, no, of sex before marriage and the issis of church attendance for all the family.

 

[disciple Clint]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here and I was hoping to get as much advice as I can from anyone willing to help.

I'm 25 years old, and I fell in love with a woman where I work who is 30. We are currently dating and I can easily see myself marrying her in the future. I've been single since high school and don't have any kids. She had a pretty rough childhood which granted her the heightened maturity that I love so much about her, but also because of that has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (non-marital) 8 and 13 years old, so her oldest she had when she was 16. These things were somewhat devastating to me when I first found out but I know that if God can love and forgive her after all that, then so can I. And I did.

I've always wanted a family and thought I'd have plenty of time to learn how to be a great father, but the idea of suddenly jumping into that role to 2 children, one of which is only 12 years younger than I am seems like quite a daunting task. I love this woman deeply and would do anything for her. I'm not afraid of the responsibility, only that I might not be strong enough to raise them right, and do all the duties a good father should. I want to give them the unconditional love and commitment they deserve after a lifetime of not having it. I feel like they'll be destined to a life of misery and turmoil without a father figure in their lives. The only thing is that I have no idea how to be a parent to two teenage daughters.

Any parenting advice or resources for this kind of situation? I've always felt old for my age but in other ways I still feel like a kid. It's hard to believe I could be their dad in a matter of months. But I truly believe it's my responsibility to be an unbreakable foundation in their lives.

lots of real good parenting books out there in the library, read a few. Call on the elders in your church when you run into a problem, by the way 12 years difference in age is a lifetime from the perspective of a child so that is not a problem. Show them how much you love them and how much you want the very best for them, that will get you past a lot of problems. Pray a lot God knows all about children.

 

[Rescued One]

I can't give perfect advice for sure, but can share my childhood experiences with you. My parents divorced when i was nine and I seldom saw my father who was in the military. My mother didn't have female friends, and we moved every year so her three oldest children didn't have friends. The next two husbands didn't interact with us or eat meals with us. The first stepfather got rid of the TV set, radio, electric mixer, and didn't want a Christmas tree. I don't think that had to do with religion, but he did convince my mother to buy us Bibles. Neither he nor my mother ever talked to us about the Bible. In fact I barely ever saw him; I don't think he ever sat in the living room. The next husband was an alcoholic. They were married barely over a year. By then there were six of us kids. Well, about a month after the third marriage, my mother sent my closest brother to live with our father. I missed him! We were best friends. I finally convinced my mother to send me to live with my father and stepmother. That was a disaster! My father hated the way my mother raised me; totally different rules, not much spent on clothing, nothing about etiquette, etc. I was also shy.

My stepmother was the opposite of my mother. She dressed to kill, wore lots of make-up and jewelry and spike heels. She criticized me a lot. I was there about 4 and 1/2 months before they sent me back to my mother. My brother told me he never wanted to be a father because he didn't have a good example to follow. Ironically, my father's parents were divorced and his dad died when he was about eight. His mother married more often than mine.

I think because you are young, you'll understand kids more. Try to learn a few things from your wife. Find out what her children are interested in. Be pleasant, not drunk and grumpy and most especially at Christmas! Go to church regularly. Parents should have rules, but certainly not hundreds. And come to a conclusion; don't pull in different directions. Compliments and rewards are nice.

 

[Rescued One]

lots of real good parenting books out there in the library, read a few. Call on the elders in your church when you run into a problem, by the way 12 years difference in age is a lifetime from the perspective of a child so that is not a problem. Show them how much you love them and how much you want the very best for them, that will get you past a lot of problems. Pray a lot God knows all about children.

Christian parenting books are heaven sent! I think churches should have parenting classes for engaged couples!

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[aiki]

I'm 25 years old, and I fell in love with a woman where I work who is 30. We are currently dating and I can easily see myself marrying her in the future. I've been single since high school and don't have any kids. She had a pretty rough childhood which granted her the heightened maturity that I love so much about her, but also because of that has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (non-marital) 8 and 13 years old, so her oldest she had when she was 16. These things were somewhat devastating to me when I first found out but I know that if God can love and forgive her after all that, then so can I. And I did.

??? What was there for you to forgive, exactly? She hasn't sinned against you in making poor choices sexually in the past. She didn't even know you existed when she got pregnant. God forgave her - if she asked for His forgiveness - because all sin is ultimately in rebellion to His Moral Law and so His forgiveness is necessary. But you aren't God. Your love-interest hasn't sinned in any way against you in getting pregnant as a child.

I've always wanted a family and thought I'd have plenty of time to learn how to be a great father, but the idea of suddenly jumping into that role to 2 children, one of which is only 12 years younger than I am seems like quite a daunting task.

You have no idea. And at 25, this situation is going to be well beyond you.

I love this woman deeply and would do anything for her.

Does she know and love Jesus? Is she living for him every day? Are you? If not, marrying is a very bad idea. Marriage is God's institution; He created it, making Himself the ground on which it stands. Any marriage not deeply-rooted in Him, then, will never be the joyful, beautiful, transformative thing God intends it should be. Instead, it will be a thing of the flesh, which God has promised will inevitably produce corruption and death. (Galatians 5:7; Romans 8:5-8) Unmoored from God, marriages drift into endless conflict, bitterness, resentment, infidelity and divorce. The passion of new love cools, the thrill of sex declines, and then the work of loving self-sacrificially begins. If God isn't fueling such love, if He isn't working in the marriage, making husband and wife more and more like Jesus, they will soon run aground on the shoals of selfishness and grow to despise one another. This process plays itself out again and again in modern, God-rejecting marriages, bringing many of them to dissolution. In America in 2019, for example, over a million women got divorced.

I'm not afraid of the responsibility, only that I might not be strong enough to raise them right, and do all the duties a good father should. I want to give them the unconditional love and commitment they deserve after a lifetime of not having it. I feel like they'll be destined to a life of misery and turmoil without a father figure in their lives. The only thing is that I have no idea how to be a parent to two teenage daughters.

What you imagine they need and what they actually need will very likely be two very different things. Discovering the difference within the complicating bonds of marriage can be an extremely unpleasant experience.

But I truly believe it's my responsibility to be an unbreakable foundation in their lives.

There is only one Unbreakable Foundation and you ain't it. You'd better get this straight before you marry or you're going to collapse under the strain of trying to be God in the lives of your wife and step-children. The children need God far, far more than they need you. Will they encounter Him in you? Or just you?

 

[Homeowner]

Any parenting advice or resources for this kind of situation? I've always felt old for my age but in other ways I still feel like a kid. It's hard to believe I could be their dad in a matter of months. But I truly believe it's my responsibility to be an unbreakable foundation in their lives.

Don't do it. You will ever be the third most important person for her. Your chances to discipline those kids as needed is questionable. Your behavior of being some kind of savior can easily blind you for the drawbacks of the situation.

The advantages for her are obvious. 30 year old single mother with two kids. Not that many dating choices and she is just about to hit the wall. What are the advantages for you ?

Think about it really carefully. There is a reason why many people have bad experiences after marrying single mothers.

 

[turkle]

You didn't mention the most important thing: is Christ her Lord? If so, does her fruit bear witness?

Step parenting is very, very difficult. Children get jealous, and behave badly. I've seen this happen even with adult children.

Being barely an adult yourself, it would be extraordinarily difficult to gain the children's' respect. As you said, you are only a few years older than the oldest. Unless you have tremendous leadership skills, they will likely pit you against their mother and be successful. And since you say yourself that you know nothing about parenting, you are setting yourself up for a hard fall.

This is not to say it can't be done; it can. But that depends on you and your girlfriend. If you understand how to behave around and care for the children, then the chances of success go up. But I gather from your post that this is not the case. A good parent is sacrificial and firm. The rules they set up are for the children's benefit, not their own convenience. You always have to be 3 steps ahead of them, anticipate their reaction to lots of situations, and guide them into adulthood to be God loving, kind, generous, resourceful and loving people.

Unfortunately, it's common for step parents to not be consistent and firm because they just want the kids to like them. Kids can be master manipulators to get what they want. If you are likely to fall for that, your role as a leader will suffer.

It looks like you are in the throes of the initial infatuation. It is absolutely unwise to make a lifetime choice in that season. You are considering entering the lives of 3 very different individuals, and by your own words, are worried that you are not strong enough. If that is your worry, then it is most likely true.

I recommend that you wait at least a year to 18 months to decide if this is something you can take on. It will also show how well you get along with the children. If, after that time, you still think you can do this, then you will have thought it through and will likely make a better choice. But for now, caution, caution, caution. This is not just about you and your girlfriend's happiness. It is about the well being of the children.

 

[Wyatt1525]

There is only one Unbreakable Foundation and you ain't it. You'd better get this straight before you marry or you're going to collapse under the strain of trying to be God in the lives of your wife and step-children. The children need God far, far more than they need you. Will they encounter Him in you? Or just you?

You're absolutely right about a lot of what I've said, and I thank you for your advice. Everything helps

 

[Wyatt1525]

Get real, If you want a sequre marriage you will be marrying in three or four years time.

My parents married after dating for only 3 months, they are one of the most mature, strong, and loving couples I've ever seen. If two people are truly selfless, principled, and forgiving it wouldn't take long at all.

 

[turkle]

My parents married after dating for only 3 months, they are one of the most mature, strong, and loving couples I've ever seen. If two people are truly selfless, principled, and forgiving it wouldn't take long at all.

I don't doubt that. It does happen. But this is very, very rare.

Look at divorce rates. No one goes into a marriage expecting it to fail. But they do. And you have the added challenge of two children who are barely younger than you. The odds are not in your favor.

I strongly advise against a quick marriage. Spend time getting to know each individual well. That takes time. The older daughter is about to go into a very difficult life transition, and it changes attitudes and perceptions. It would be an extremely difficult time for her life to be disrupted, and you don't know how she'll react.

I pray that you will act with wisdom, not emotion. It's very difficult to do that at your age I know, but I hope that you will not go rushing into a decision that has the potential to create havoc in four lives. Take the time that this huge decision deserves to give all of you a chance at a peaceful, happy life. Be Spirit led and really listen when He is telling you what you should do.