Text Only Relationships And Hook Up Culture

[Heartofsilver]

Hello everyone,

I'm very frustrated today with this new way that people seem to be getting together or lack there of. I have noticed a gradual shift in the dating world in the past five or so years. Guys used to ask me out on dates looking for a commited relationship and I eventually ended up having a boyfriend for a few years. After we broke up, I stayed single for quite awhile and recently started going back on dates again. I have noticed two new things come into play or become increasingly worse as I have mentioned above. I have recently had two men ask for my facebook or phone number and all they wanted to do after was text/email me, which didn't really make any sense, so I was confused. After about a month of this on both seperate occasions, I told them that I prefer to talk on the phone or in person, which then on both occasions that is when they started meeting up with me in person. Why men do things this way now, I don't understand. I don't see where the initiative has gone where they ask for your information and then ask you to lunch even if its just as friends. I also don't understand where all of the real friendships are or why people act like they don't want friendship anymore. They are just looking for a hook up. The other issue that I have come across is the hook up culture, where I have even found out that Christian men are involved in. A different guy awhile ago asked me out on a date and also wanted to get to know each other as friends first which sounded nice. Went out on a date or two, things started to fizzle out, I distanced myself, and he eventually became honest with me. He let me know recently that he didn't want to date and commit himself to one person. He wants to hook up with people and didn't want to get me involved and offered to stay friends, which I'm not talking to him. The last guy I talked to at first started out as mostly a "message only" relationship until I said something. We ended up hanging out once outside of our Young Professionals group and talked on the phone a couple times with him initiating most of it. He told me that he wanted to meet up again soon. I invited him and the whole group to my choir concert at my school. He told me he might be able to make it, but his tone made me feel unsure. He text me the next day to let me know that something came up. When he called me the day after the concert to apologize, it sounded more like he may have just been making up an excuse and was just being flakey.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hello everyone,

I'm very frustrated today with this new way that people seem to be getting together or lack there of. I have noticed a gradual shift in the dating world in the past five or so years. Guys used to ask me out on dates looking for a commited relationship and I eventually ended up having a boyfriend for a few years. After we broke up, I stayed single for quite awhile and recently started going back on dates again. I have noticed two new things come into play or become increasingly worse as I have mentioned above. I have recently had two men ask for my facebook or phone number and all they wanted to do after was text/email me, which didn't really make any sense, so I was confused. After about a month of this on both seperate occasions, I told them that I prefer to talk on the phone or in person, which then on both occasions that is when they started meeting up with me in person. Why men do things this way now, I don't understand. I don't see where the initiative has gone where they ask for your information and then ask you to lunch even if its just as friends. I also don't understand where all of the real friendships are or why people act like they don't want friendship anymore. They are just looking for a hook up. The other issue that I have come across is the hook up culture, where I have even found out that Christian men are involved in. A different guy awhile ago asked me out on a date and also wanted to get to know each other as friends first which sounded nice. Went out on a date or two, things started to fizzled, I distanced myself, and he eventually became honest with me. He let me know recently that he didn't want to date and commit himself to one person. He wants to hook up with people and didn't want to get me involved and offered to stay friends, which I'm not talking to him. The last guy I talked to at first started out as mostly a "message only" relationship until I said something. We ended up hanging out once outside of our Young Professionals group and talked on the phone a couple times with him initiating most of it. He told me that he wanted to meet up again soon. I invited him and the whole group to my choir concert at my school. He told me he might be able to make it, but his tone made me feel unsure. He text me the next day to let me know that something came up. When he called me the day after the concert to apologize, it sounded more like he may have just been making up an excuse and was just being flakey.

Hi; good to concentrate on vertical (i.e., Godward) relationships; then He might bless interpersonal ones.

John's First Epistle speaks of fellowship with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ; and about fellowship among those who walk in the light.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Yeah, that is true. I was just talking about this when it came to issues that I was having with my dad. I have been needing to stop and spend more time with God lately.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Yeah, that is true. I was just talking about this when it came to issues that I was having with my dad. I have been needing to stop and spend more time with God lately.

Nothing better also than to do this by reading God's Word regularly and prayerfully and seeking the regular company of Christians who so similarly. Acts 2.42.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Nothing better also than to do this by reading God's Word regularly and prayerfully and seeking the regular company of Christians who so similarly. Acts 2.42.

Amen, I need to read His Word more, too. I'm constant in prayer and talking to Him. I just need to set alone time to be alone with Him more often. Also, I have been hanging around mostly Christians lately and they started out seeming like friendly, pure Christian guys until they unfortunately show me otherwise.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Amen, I need to read His Word more, too. I'm constant in prayer and talking to Him. I just need to set alone time to be with Him more often. Also, I have been hanging around mostly Christians lately and they started out seeming like friendly, pure Christian guys until they unfortunately show me otherwise.

Yes, well, it's good to see ppl 'walk the talk' as well as talk the talk only...

 

[Kit Sigmon]

It's the old school method infused with modern technology...
back in the day, the so called "hook up" generation of that day
had to put in appearances... not so any more.
I know a lot of people who have online relationships and have no
intention of meeting face to face (in person).

 

[Heartofsilver]

It's the old school method infused with modern technology...
back in the day, the so called "hook up" generation of that day
had to put in appearances... not so any more.
I know a lot of people who have online relationships and have no
intention of meeting face to face (in person).

Oh ok, I see that makes sense. Oh yeah, I have online friends like that too, but I was talking about when we know each other in person, all they do is text you, and they never ask you to hang out, or go out on a date, etc.

 

[Applekrate]

Reading the posts and sorry to learn of your troubles. I've never gotten into texting and do not care for it. It is so impersonable. A few years back, I had a friend who broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years on a text! I could not believe that and they were Christian too, went to church together, etc. I thought that was so cold.
Things are nuts these days. hang in there.

 

[Andrew77]

Hello everyone,

I'm very frustrated today with this new way that people seem to be getting together or lack there of. I have noticed a gradual shift in the dating world in the past five or so years. Guys used to ask me out on dates looking for a committed relationship and I eventually ended up having a boyfriend for a few years. After we broke up, I stayed single for quite awhile and recently started going back on dates again. I have noticed two new things come into play or become increasingly worse as I have mentioned above. I have recently had two men ask for my facebook or phone number and all they wanted to do after was text/email me, which didn't really make any sense, so I was confused. After about a month of this on both seperate occasions, I told them that I prefer to talk on the phone or in person, which then on both occasions that is when they started meeting up with me in person. Why men do things this way now, I don't understand. I don't see where the initiative has gone where they ask for your information and then ask you to lunch even if its just as friends. I also don't understand where all of the real friendships are or why people act like they don't want friendship anymore. They are just looking for a hook up. The other issue that I have come across is the hook up culture, where I have even found out that Christian men are involved in. A different guy awhile ago asked me out on a date and also wanted to get to know each other as friends first which sounded nice. Went out on a date or two, things started to fizzle out, I distanced myself, and he eventually became honest with me. He let me know recently that he didn't want to date and commit himself to one person. He wants to hook up with people and didn't want to get me involved and offered to stay friends, which I'm not talking to him. The last guy I talked to at first started out as mostly a "message only" relationship until I said something. We ended up hanging out once outside of our Young Professionals group and talked on the phone a couple times with him initiating most of it. He told me that he wanted to meet up again soon. I invited him and the whole group to my choir concert at my school. He told me he might be able to make it, but his tone made me feel unsure. He text me the next day to let me know that something came up. When he called me the day after the concert to apologize, it sounded more like he may have just been making up an excuse and was just being flakey.

This is a great post. You are the kind of girl I really like, because you are not going to let these guys take you for a fool.

So first off, keep doing what you are doing. Yeah it's frustrating, but this is how you weed out the garbage, in order to find someone worth keeping.

So a couple of things....

all they wanted to do after was text/email me.
I can relate somewhat with what you are talking about. I personally, just to be transparent and open with you... I have a very difficult time on the phone. I always have. I would rather type, text, to you, than call you on the phone.

Now the irony is, generally if I meet you someplace in person, I'm usually really good with that. I can talk with you for HOURS ON HOURS, in person. But over the phone, just doesn't work for me. I hate talking on the phone. I can't explain it, I'm just telling you how it is.

I do not know if all guys have that problem, but I know I do.

Guys used to ask me out on dates looking for a committed relationship...
I don't know how old you are. So I don't know if my answer is going to be relevant or not.

There is a deep dark secret, that a ton of women do not know. The longer you wait before you get married, the worse that is going to get.

Again, I don't know if you are in your teens, or twenties, or thirties, or older. So if you are still young, then this may not even apply.

But the fact is, the older you get, the more you are going to find guys only looking for hook ups.

Why? Because the guys that want to be married, are going to get married. It's that simple. The sexual drive that pushes men to marry, peaks in their early 20s. Most men will find a wife in their twenties.

And the second problem, is that even the men that wait until their 30s, often marry younger women. They are not looking for a woman their own age. They'll marry someone in their 20s, when they are in their 30s.

So just think about that logically.... if you have 10,000 guys your age, but only half want to marry, and 10% marry each year.... logically as more and more get married, the ones that are left will be more and more the guys the are only looking for hookups.

Every year that you get older, you'll find it harder and harder to find a man that isn't just looking for a hookup. Just reality darling.

Now please don't freak out. You can find someone. I'm just saying that if you wait another 5 years, you'll without a doubt find that more and more guys are only looking for hookup, than you do now. The 'pool of men' is shrinking.

people act like they don't want friendship anymore.
Um.... if we're still talking about men, then that is not only true, but has always been true. The number one reason a man has anything to do with any woman, is sex.

That is simply how it is. Most guys do not get with any girl, for friendship.

Now I'm talking to you as a guy, who has routinely had female friends, even to this very day. But I have come to the conclusion after all these years, that I really honestly am a fluke. I'm an outlier.

And I know this because of how other guys respond to me. "have you had her?" No. "No?".... no I have not. "Then why are you talking to her all the time?".... because we're friends. "You are not even human....".

That is how guys respond to me. Constantly. Because the number one thing the draws a man to a woman, is that sexual drive. They are not interested in being friends. They have friends. They have their football buddies, and gamer buddies, and so on. They do not need you to fill that role in their life.

You want to find a guy that wants a wife, and you need find a guy that you want to be a wife too. And you'll find that friend to do life with. My father said that my mother was attractive. That is the only reason he pursued her. After 54 years of being married, and they still do everything together... I think that worked. Just saying.

hook up culture, where I have even found out that Christian men are involved in
I have to admit that I'm a bit brutal on this. If you find a 'christian' man that is involved in the hook up culture... then he is not a christian.

You can't go around screwing random women, and then say you are christian with a Bible that specifically says men who do that, will not go to Heaven. That is... you know... a contradiction?

So, no. You know men who lie, and say they are 'christian', and then live like the Devil.

You should get away from such men.

he may have just been making up an excuse and was just being flakey
Yeah, that's pretty much what I got from that as well.

I have to tell you that I don't want a 'girlfriend'. If I am dating you, that's to marry you. That's the goal. I am going to date you, only as long as required to find out if you are worth marrying. If we're going out for dinner as a real date, it's to find out if your finger is worth me putting a ring on it.

That is the whole point.

SO.... If I am considering marrying you, I'm going to the concert. I'm not going to making lame excuses, to not see my potential future wife.

I don't know what this guys goal is with you, but it doesn't sound like he's serious about anything.

And maybe this is part of the problem. Perhaps for whatever reason, your pool of guys, is all full of people who are not serious. How do you fix that? Well it's hard. Because you need to make it clear that you are dating for marriage. You want a real relationship. And that's going to gain you a whole ton of rejection. Especially in California, where everything is fake. Of course the good side, is that it will filter out most of the trash.

Again.... as a big brother talking to my younger sister. I love what you are doing. You need to keep to the path, and don't settle on these phony people.

You know, maybe asking around with your friends, and family. People who know you. Ask them to set you up on a date. Make it a simple date. One meal for lunch. And just be honest with each guy, that you are looking for a husband, and if they are not into it, that's fine. Have a good meal.

Look... I really like you. I know these doofus guys are driving you bonkers, but you keep your head on, keep your faith, and never settle for less than the goal. Eventually I think you'll find someone. Don't let it bother. You find out a guy is bonkers, say "Well it was nice meeting you (bless yer heart)" and wave goodbye. lol Seriously. Just keep looking. You can do this. Don't let it get to you.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't have too many text only relationships. But I do prefer to text and email over phone calls. The extra time it takes to type gives me time to collect my thoughts and express what I'm feeling better than I feel I can do in person or on the phone.
That said, I don't understand guys now wanting to get together in person with ladies they are interested in knowing.

 

[Heartofsilver]

This is a great post. You are the kind of girl I really like, because you are not going to let these guys take you for a fool.

So first off, keep doing what you are doing. Yeah it's frustrating, but this is how you weed out the garbage, in order to find someone worth keeping.

So a couple of things....

all they wanted to do after was text/email me.
I can relate somewhat with what you are talking about. I personally, just to be transparent and open with you... I have a very difficult time on the phone. I always have. I would rather type, text, to you, than call you on the phone.

Now the irony is, generally if I meet you someplace in person, I'm usually really good with that. I can talk with you for HOURS ON HOURS, in person. But over the phone, just doesn't work for me. I hate talking on the phone. I can't explain it, I'm just telling you how it is.

I do not know if all guys have that problem, but I know I do.

Guys used to ask me out on dates looking for a committed relationship...
I don't know how old you are. So I don't know if my answer is going to be relevant or not.

There is a deep dark secret, that a ton of women do not know. The longer you wait before you get married, the worse that is going to get.

Again, I don't know if you are in your teens, or twenties, or thirties, or older. So if you are still young, then this may not even apply.

But the fact is, the older you get, the more you are going to find guys only looking for hook ups.

Why? Because the guys that want to be married, are going to get married. It's that simple. The sexual drive that pushes men to marry, peaks in their early 20s. Most men will find a wife in their twenties.

And the second problem, is that even the men that wait until their 30s, often marry younger women. They are not looking for a woman their own age. They'll marry someone in their 20s, when they are in their 30s.

So just think about that logically.... if you have 10,000 guys your age, but only half want to marry, and 10% marry each year.... logically as more and more get married, the ones that are left will be more and more the guys the are only looking for hookups.

Every year that you get older, you'll find it harder and harder to find a man that isn't just looking for a hookup. Just reality darling.

Now please don't freak out. You can find someone. I'm just saying that if you wait another 5 years, you'll without a doubt find that more and more guys are only looking for hookup, than you do now. The 'pool of men' is shrinking.

people act like they don't want friendship anymore.
Um.... if we're still talking about men, then that is not only true, but has always been true. The number one reason a man has anything to do with any woman, is sex.

That is simply how it is. Most guys do not get with any girl, for friendship.

Now I'm talking to you as a guy, who has routinely had female friends, even to this very day. But I have come to the conclusion after all these years, that I really honestly am a fluke. I'm an outlier.

And I know this because of how other guys respond to me. "have you had her?" No. "No?".... no I have not. "Then why are you talking to her all the time?".... because we're friends. "You are not even human....".

That is how guys respond to me. Constantly. Because the number one thing the draws a man to a woman, is that sexual drive. They are not interested in being friends. They have friends. They have their football buddies, and gamer buddies, and so on. They do not need you to fill that role in their life.

You want to find a guy that wants a wife, and you need find a guy that you want to be a wife too. And you'll find that friend to do life with. My father said that my mother was attractive. That is the only reason he pursued her. After 54 years of being married, and they still do everything together... I think that worked. Just saying.

hook up culture, where I have even found out that Christian men are involved in
I have to admit that I'm a bit brutal on this. If you find a 'christian' man that is involved in the hook up culture... then he is not a christian.

You can't go around screwing random women, and then say you are christian with a Bible that specifically says men who do that, will not go to Heaven. That is... you know... a contradiction?

So, no. You know men who lie, and say they are 'christian', and then live like the Devil.

You should get away from such men.

he may have just been making up an excuse and was just being flakey
Yeah, that's pretty much what I got from that as well.

I have to tell you that I don't want a 'girlfriend'. If I am dating you, that's to marry you. That's the goal. I am going to date you, only as long as required to find out if you are worth marrying. If we're going out for dinner as a real date, it's to find out if your finger is worth me putting a ring on it.

That is the whole point.

SO.... If I am considering marrying you, I'm going to the concert. I'm not going to making lame excuses, to not see my potential future wife.

I don't know what this guys goal is with you, but it doesn't sound like he's serious about anything.

And maybe this is part of the problem. Perhaps for whatever reason, your pool of guys, is all full of people who are not serious. How do you fix that? Well it's hard. Because you need to make it clear that you are dating for marriage. You want a real relationship. And that's going to gain you a whole ton of rejection. Especially in California, where everything is fake. Of course the good side, is that it will filter out most of the trash.

Again.... as a big brother talking to my younger sister. I love what you are doing. You need to keep to the path, and don't settle on these phony people.

You know, maybe asking around with your friends, and family. People who know you. Ask them to set you up on a date. Make it a simple date. One meal for lunch. And just be honest with each guy, that you are looking for a husband, and if they are not into it, that's fine. Have a good meal.

Look... I really like you. I know these doofus guys are driving you bonkers, but you keep your head on, keep your faith, and never settle for less than the goal. Eventually I think you'll find someone. Don't let it bother. You find out a guy is bonkers, say "Well it was nice meeting you (bless yer heart)" and wave goodbye. lol Seriously. Just keep looking. You can do this. Don't let it get to you.

Yeah, I'm so sick and tired of being treated this way, so I'm not tolerating it, though trying to give grace when need be.

Yeah, that is true and I feel like God is going to send him my way anyway, rather than me seeking to find him.

Texting is fine as long as it isn't all that he is doing and it not leading to a date or hanging out as friends eventually. If so, then I don't understand why they asked for my number other than convience and maybe an ego boost. Well I give guess options of the phone, video chat, or in person if all the person does is text/email for a long period of time unless they are an online friend, etc. I'm 27 right now and though what you are saying has truth not every man who wants to get married will get married and the same goes for women. I do see what you mean though that pickings may get slimmer, but than again there are about 6 to 3 billion men in the world. So as you have said, there is still possibility especially since I feel God's call for me to be married someday. Though men in their 30's seek younger women doesn't mean that they will all marry women in their 20's.

Though I have encounter men who just wanted to sleep with me, I have also had many guy friends throughout my life. My former best guy friend and I were friends for 10 years and not once did we try to have sex with each other. He is now my brother that God has blessed me with. I do see what you mean by them having their guy friends, though women do enjoy those things, too. I for one am a gamer. Yes, I see that it did work, but they had to be friends first in order for it to work. You become friends and make new friends along the way, that is the healthy way that things should work, but the world doesn't work that way. The closer that I get to God; the less this world makes sense.

Yeah, though sad this is true. That if a man isn't living by the Word of God and making it like its fine then he isn't being true.

Yeah, that does make sense and it's the same on my end to, though it takes time and patience to figure that out, not just going on one date, especially if the date went well. Yeah, that is also true as I have been showing that I'm dating to go for a relationship that will lead towards marriage someday and not everyone is looking for that. Thank you for looking out for me and giving me all of this insight brother in Christ. Well when it comes to my immediate family, I don't trust them to find me a date. I would have to ask some of my godly Christian friends for that. Thank God and thank you for your encouragement!

 

[Heartofsilver]

Also thank God, most people think that im 21.