Prepare for a long post.
Growing up my mother was the one who raised me, who took care of me, and is the sole reason I learned about the Bible and Christ, and came to Him at the age of fourteen. I had a father, and I still do, but he was always absent from my life. He was THERE, but at the same time he wasn't, locked away in his room on the computer, content to spend time there rather than with his family. That is still true to this day. On top of that, he was very mean and emotionally abusive. He has calmed down over the years, but there are times where he picks up that habit. At fourteen, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, and was baptized. Throughout the years I often turned to God and then turned away, because for whatever reason I just could not stay locked and commit myself to Him. It hasn't been until this year that I have truly buried myself deep in the Lord, and I fully intend to stay right there, in His arms.
Two years ago my best friend of almost seven years died from Liver cancer. She was diagnosed in November, and died on February 17th. This was an incredible loss for me; it hit me hard, and to this day I still shed some tears when I think about her. Quickly I became lost in my own world as I wrapped myself with the internet and playing MMO's. Soon I lost touch with reality, and got myself into some trouble with a guy who I had been friends with off and on, and who claimed he loved me and was miserable in his relationship with my friend. Somehow I believed him. Maybe I was just so desperate for love. Maybe I just wanted my life to change so badly, that I just wanted to feel happy again.
Eventually, shortly after my 20th birthday, I packed up my bags and left home, and flew to my friend. I stayed with her for a week. Please do not think ill of me for doing this; no longer am I that person, and at the time I was truly messed up. Emotionally and mentally. I was a lost cause, but God didn't necessarily think so. A lot was revealed that week; ultimately I ended going back home with a broken heart, a friend lost, and nearly on my death bed. In that week I stayed with my friend I did not eat or drink anything. I did not want to eat in front of people; in fact, I didn't even feel like eating at all, because I realized how much I messed up right then and there, from the very beginning to the moment I was sitting on her couch. Not even five minutes after I walked back in my own home, I passed out cold on the floor.
I was close to death. Had it been another week, I probably would have been in the hospital. I was half-starved and severely dehydrated. I spent two weeks on the couch living on Gatorade and slowly building my appetite back up. Take a moment and envision that. How PATHETIC did I probably look? How BROKEN did I look? Trust me, people, I was broken; torn limb from limb, and was basically nothing. But that is how God wanted me. He wanted me to be utterly broken so He could work on me, and put me back together in the way HE wanted me to be. It took two years but I am much more healthier, mentally and emotionally, and firmly grounded in Him. I ask you do not think ill of me for what I did. To this day I still bear guilt and regret for what I did, because what I did was a terrible thing. I caused a lot of pain, and destroyed a relationship, even though the guy himself was sleaze bag, wanted us for sex, and was found out, but I still hurt people deeply. And that is not something you want to live with.
I have never told anyone the full story of this. Why am I telling you this? Well, I trust you and I feel people really need to hear my testimony of brokenness, pain, and the true love of God. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes we don't know why and will never know why, but they happen for a reason, and within time you will begin to see that. After what happened, the household and my father improved, and living here has been much better since then. I can't say why God did what He did, or why He saved a pathetic person such as myself that did, but for whatever reason He found worth in me. He SAVED me. Truly, He did, and I can never turn away from Him ever again knowing that. He intervened and He saved me from a horrible fate.
If you are struggling with something, I highly encourage you, PRAY about it. Do not act on your thoughts or emotions, but turn to the Lord. He is there, He loves you, and He will deliver you, just as He delivered me.
