Temporary Separation

cjba · Apr 21, 2004

AFT,

Isn't it amazing when you finally wake up of what seems to be a coma. You wake up and realize, yes the kids are still there. I remember that feeling. I felt horrible I never intended to neglect them. But I did....I was so involved in "me" and what "I" was feeling. After all that our family has been through I see myself having a better relationship with the kids. Is it out guilt...I think so. I make an extra effort to talk to them and be with them. I think my hubby realized the same thing. I now see one positive out of our mess. I feel that we were good parents to begin with. However, everyone has room for improvement. Why do you think you and your wife will not be together soon? Has your wife herself told you this? Don't begin to judge what may or may not happen. Take this for what it is; a time of healing for both of you. Make sure that you take time to see and feel that your children are there and also feel the tension and stress in what is going on. Comfort them and let them know you will always be there for them. Children need security and right now their security is on shaky grounds. They really need mom and dad noticing them. God Bless. You and your family are in my prayers.

AirForceTeacher · Apr 22, 2004

Hey, cj! How are thingws going this week?

cjba · Apr 22, 2004

AFT,

Busy, Busy, Busy! I have not had as much of an opportunity to get on the computer as I usually do. The kids have us going everywhere for this or that. (We have 4) My hubby is doing better. However, he sees that I am the one holding back. I have to admit I've come to the conclusion that I have a trust issue. When I mention trust I am referring to trusting him with my heart. We have been throught this road once before (I've mentioned this on my post) and to find out he did not mean what he was saying. He tells me that he is putting an effort and I when I get this way this makes him take a step back and is frustrating. I can understand what he is talking about yet; he needs to understand I am only human and I have been hurt and need to heal. As much as I give this to God I still have to continue with the forgiveness process. I know I should outright forgive. As much as I want it to be as simple as a switch with an on and off button it simply is not that easy. I hope this has been a positive week for you. How are the studies going?

AirForceTeacher · Apr 23, 2004

Terrible. I never work on my homework. I'm either lzay or depressed.

We had a counseling appt today that I was kind of looking forward to/not looking forward to. I knew it would be hard, because God is showing me the depths of my sinful selfish nature this week, but I know that getting through this and facing my true self will help me heal. But now, the appt was cancelled because the snow was so bad today they closed the base early. So, I got to wait til next week for an appt with my wife. She was more upset than I was, but she didn't want to tell me what she was looking to talk about. I'm trying to take this as a sign that she does want me back, otherwise she wouldn't get upset about cancelled appts (three weeks in may we won't have appts either. I think that's when I'll take my vacation!)

cjba · Apr 24, 2004

It's amazing that when we are going through our trials this seems to absorb all of our energy. We need to concentrate on the positive. The negative sometimes knocks the wind out of us. I still get my depressed days here and there but, they are becoming more far inbetween. I'm sorry that you two did not get your appt today. Remember that the appts. are not the only way to help yourselves or the marriage. I can tell that she does not want to end the marriage otherwise she would not bother with the appts. to begin with. Vacation sounds great! I really need one! The last vacation we took was terrible for me. Even though we went as a family it was so depressing. Our last vacation felt like this would be our "last" vacation as a family. That is why is not good to concentrate on the negative. I'm working on becoming a more positive person. I know if I would of been more positive I would of been thinking at least we are still a family and need to make the best of it. When I look at the pictures they remind me of what I was going through at the time. My hubby tells me I need to stop looking back so we can move forward. I know this is true and I'm praying for God to help me with this. When we start seeking God for help in our lives and our faith begins to grow; I find it astonishing that we discover the people we really are. The improvements we need to make and when we start making those changes other parts of our lives begin to fall into play. Keep seeking Him and He will be there to help you overcome your obsticles. God Bless.

AirForceTeacher · Apr 24, 2004

The fact that she was upset about missing the appts encourages me, because I need to know she hasn't given up on me. I'm the one with the bulk of the work to do in the relationship, and I feel so weak. Last night, she smiled when I kissed her goodbye, so I'm encouraged. The problem is that I don't remember this encouragement on the bad days! Oh well, patience.

oldrooster · Apr 25, 2004

Just remember that the Lord works on his own time.

AirForceTeacher · Apr 27, 2004

Yeah, but that's not very encouraging right now. My wife told me something encouraging/discouraing Sunday: I have not made ant decisions, I'm not leaning in any direction. I committed to giving you a year to screw up.

Not that I want the whole year, but it helps a little.

oldrooster · Apr 28, 2004

It took us 3, it didn't work out. Still had to try.

AirForceTeacher · Apr 28, 2004

Sorry to hear that Rooster. My wife is still committed to me, and I am commited to her, and to building the right relationship. Unfortunately, my commitment waxes and wanes. I'm going to a men's retreat this weekend, so your prayers for me and everyone at the retreat would be appreciated. Really, although it's cliche, I have to work on myself and loving myself, then accepting God's love for myself before I can be the proper husband and father I need to be.

Thanks for your encouragement, Rooster.

CJ, how's things?

Website for the retreat I'm going to: www.bobhudson.org

cjba · Apr 30, 2004

AFT,

We had problems with our internet connection this past week and the problem was fianlly resolved. I was wondering this past week on how you and your wife were doing. I remember feeling the way you do. Every little sign of encouragement we grasp it and hold on. I did keep you and your wife in my prayers this past week.

I'm concerned with the fact that your wife gave you a year to screw up. That is not very positive to me. And as for her direction this I would hope would be leaning in reconciling the marriage. She shouldn't be putting you through a test. Marriage is a commitment and like any other commitment we work on it for it to become a success. In marriage it takes two to make it work. I know you are working on yourself but I'm sure she needs to work on herself as well. None of us are pefect we all can use some sort of improvement.

Things are going so-so for me. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard at times. I know it all comes down to patience. My hubby has compared me to Lots wife in looking back and turning into the pillar of salt. I don't feel that I am so much as looking back but taking a look at the present. Even though the present is much better than the last couple of years. There is still something missing. I feel as I am more like my hubby's friend verses his wife. I know this is a good to have in a relationship but before I had both. I know it is a step in the right direction. However, every now and then I go into a slump. Ugh!

Enjoy your retreat. I pray that God will open your heart as well as the others attending to feel and hear His word.

AirForceTeacher · May 2, 2004

Let me explain why "a year to screw up" is a good thing! She means that she won't even consider divorce for a year, even to the point of if I were to freak out, get abusive, manipulative with money, etc (none of which I plan to do), then woke up in the 12th month, she'd make her decision not on the last year, but on where I was then.

She does still want me back. Today, after I got back from the retreat I was at the house and we chose the colors for our master bedroom together (she's painting this week.) She also started back up on her commercial art/design degree this week.

She does have things of her own to work out, but the work does still appear to be primarily mine, and I can't do anything except my part and pray for her part. The counselor actually seems to direct both of us to work on issues, so maybe the idea that it's all my fault is in my head, but I can only work on my issues.

Good retreat. I was made to worship, and He accepts it joyfully, even from me!

oldrooster · May 3, 2004

Glad to hear the good news.

cjba · May 4, 2004

That sounds wonderful that the both of you worked on something together. This is a very good sign that she is keeping you involved in decisions in the home. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed your retreat. Yes, God does listen to all of us! Isn't He wonderful!! God Bless.

AirForceTeacher · May 4, 2004

Thanks, cj and rooster. I'm just tired right now. I'm finding it so hard to get any joy because she's so cold around me. I kissed her today and I was sure she was pushing her lips together to avoid kissing me. I hope it's not true. I hope it's not over. It feels so dead right now I just don't know what to think.

Day by day, I'm trying to get closer to God, even though I resent Him right now for what's happening. I think I'm growing, I think I'm actually trusting Him more now, but it's not easy.

Thanks for youre prayers, all. Still praying for you cj!

cjba · May 6, 2004

AFT,

The best advise I can give you is something my hubby told me. Stop reading into everything. Ok, so her lips were together when you kissed. Does this mean that she did not want to kiss you. Maybe yes or maybe no. Maybe she felt her breath wasn't fresh or something. Basically, it could of been anything. AFT don't go beating yourself up over any little thing. The world has plenty of this for us out there. Keep a peaceful mind and stay positive. Even if you and your wife don't come out of this together, which I hope you do. You won't be able to help but to become a better person out of this. We learn through our experiences in life. Grab the lesson if it turned out bad... don't do it again. If if turned out good ....now you know what to do next time. You're in my prayers. God Bless

AirForceTeacher · May 6, 2004

Thanks, cj. That's pretty much all the advice I keep getting (and giving myself.)

I've got to get over this and concentrate on God's love for me so I can relax. I'm getting there, but it's sloooooowww. I've downloaded a bunch of really good stuff from Max Lucado's website.

How are you doing?

sarah marie · May 7, 2004

flesh99 said:
You say you don't have much faith but remember what the centurion told Christ "Lord I believe, help my unbelief", do not be afraid to take even your doubt to God and let him resolve it for you.

I can't stress staying in the Word, enough. I also can't stress prayer, enough. There is no fear, nothing you lack that God cannot supply for you. He can even put words in your mouth, when you don't have them.

If you have the smallest faith, take heart:

Matthew 13:31-32

Here is another illustration Jesus used: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed planted in a field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but it becomes the largest of garden plants and grows into a tree where birds can come and find shelter in its branches."

cjba · May 8, 2004

I'm doing fine. Hanging in there. I only wish I could completely let go of what has taken place in our marriage. My hubby is giving the impression that all is fine now. He tells me that we are on the right track. However, the problem I know is me! When I start to get comfortable again it seems like a little voice is telling me; remember what happened - don't set yourself up - it could happen again. I can't seem to get over the fact that when I thought our relationship was fine; he eventually told me that it was a lie. I can honestly say that at least 85% of me has released the past and this is where it belongs. It's that 15% that is satan is using. We hurt ourselves more by feeding into the fuel of negativity. I would love to tell you that once the trail is over you get everything back that you desire. Maybe we do and that is where the learning of patience continues. So many people say how much better there relationship is after the trial. I think that works out more for the person that was about to walk away. That person truly get to witness the love their spouse has for them after all is said and done. I guess this is still too fresh for my situation. Most of the time I'm ok and can say happy with the relationship. However, I still feel something missing. My hubby thinks its just me. Discussing the situation sure does help. I'm sure this is a wonderful outlet for you. It has been for me as for so many others. Pray for wisdom, patience and peace of mind. As always your and your family are in my prayers. God Bless.

AirForceTeacher · May 8, 2004

Well, it is an outlet. Hey, if I can't save my marriage, I might as well help you and others blow off steam when you need to.

Kidding. I'm trying to have faith, and talking to he rmom today was reassurring. I just got to keep trying to get myself face to face with God.

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