teaching a child that two wrongs don't make a right

[worriedmommie]

My husband and I have a wonderful 11 year old son whom we continually thank God for. He is and always has been a really good child whom loves Jesus, loves his parents and loves his fellow man. Unfortunately some times unfortunate things happen to best of us but such is life, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Anyways, a couple weeks ago our son saved up enough money to buy himself a Nintendo 3DS. He was so excited when his father took him to the Walmart and he picked out the color and the game he wanted. When he got home he opened his new toy and we were shocked to find that somebody replaced the 3DS with two decks of playing cards. Naturally my son was extremely upset. The three of us went right back to the Walmart with receipt in hand with the open box and the decks of cards to get them to make the situation right. Long story short they refused. Their claim is that they have no idea if we were the ones who made the switch. We tried taking this matter to both the store manager and then the regional manager but the result was the same, there was nothing they would or could do for us. Understandably my son was very upset over the situation. If we had the money we would have bought him another one by that was not a possibility until payday, which was a week away.
Anyways, my husband and I decided to make this up to him on his birthday which is in two weeks and at the same time use it as a teaching opportunity. We took him home and we explained to him the situation. We explained to him there are awful people out there and how being awful hurts others. We explained to him that we did all we can, but sometimes we just have to accept dissapointment and keep faith that God has something better for us. Being the intelligent inquisitive boy he is had a ton of questions for us. He asked why the store won't make it right, he asked about why some one would be so bad to begin with and he asked what Jesus would think about this. So we told him, the store won't make it right because they don't trust us since there are so many dishonest people out there, we told him that this is the reason we should all be honest so we would not hurt other people and we told him that Jesus wants us to love others like we love ourselves and once we all do that no one will ever be hurt again. And bless his heart, he accepted what we told him, his father showed him a card trick and the huge smile returned to his face.
His father and I thought that the issue had been resolved. We planned to buy him a new system plus an additional game for his birthday and just resolved to patronize the best buy instead of the Walmart. Imagine my surprise when on Sunday I walked into his room and saw him playing on a brand new Nintendo 3DS. My first question was where did you get that? It turns out when he went to visit his 14 year old cousin whom I am going to call Beth he told her about what happened, show her the card trick he learned from his father and then she told him that her dad, his uncle and the husband of my husband's sister knows exactly how to deal with this. Beth and her father took my son to the Walmart, they bought a brand new system, then as my son explained and Beth later confirmed they steamed open the seal took out the system and put the decks of cards back in the box, resealed it and got a refund. I was just floored by this, I could not believe what I just heard. I immediately called Beth's dad and demanded to know what right he had to pretty much instruct my son to steal. There had always been friction between him and I but this was just another level. He basically called me a tool, told me that turn about is fair play, f**k the Walmart, and called me a disgrace of a mother for taking the side of a big corporation over my own flesh and blood. I called Beth to express to her my displeasure over her involvement and she basically told me that her daddy says she doesn't have to listen to me, echoed her father's sentiments on the Walmart and told me to fornicate myself. My husband and I both tried to talk to his sister but she is off the opinion that I just need to relax and not hassle her daughter or her husband.
Now I am caught in a very very difficult position.
1)do I punish my own child? On one hand he was acting under the influence of trusted older relatives but on the other hand he knew that this was wrong.
2)how do I explain to him in the way an 11 year old can understand, that it is not up to us to decide what's fair and what's not?and that it is wrong to circumvent the proper channels for redress. My husband and I tried sitting him down to explain what his uncle taught him is wrong but we couldn't find the right words. He told us that his uncle told him that it is actually the fault of the store that he got playing cards rather than a system. How do I explain to him that yes, the person who initially replaced the system was wrong for doing that, the store was wrong for taking it back and reselling it but it was equally wrong for them to trick the store again. We tried to explain that in this situation all we could do is be honest and hope that people are honest back, if they are not we have the option to vote with our feet. But I am afraid that this a difficult concept for an 11 yearold.
3)how do I tell my son that he won't be seeing much of his cousin in the future. Up until this point she always seemed like a great girl. A real tomboy type but a great girl nonetheless. She would take my son fishing, bike riding, swimming, you name it. How do I tell him that he won't be seeing her anymore.
4)my son was really looking forward to a fishing trip that his aunt and uncle were going to go on next week. This was going to be his and Beth's final summer adventure before back to school. How do I tell him that he isn't going to go anymore?
Please, all suggestions are welcome.

 

[paul1149]

The problem with the uncle's "solution" is, as I see it, that the loss is transferred to another innocent party. Someone else is going to open that box and find it empty, and lose that much more faith in humanity, and perhaps, in God. Those who want to be a friend of God have to do things a better way.

I think a better solution is to escalate the problem as far as you can, even to Walmart's home office, with a carefully constructed letter. I can understand their concern that they are getting ripped off, but maybe if you make that effort, they will begin to believe you. And your son will learn the value of diligence and persistence.

As for your inlaws, I think that as you frame this matter in terms of setting the higher moral mark (see Php 3), and that you want this for your son because it will build character and make the best person out of him, and because character is a huge determinant of destiny it will be best for him, he will begin to see that though it entails foregoing the immediate gratification of having the gameset Now, the fruit of persevering in the right way will be sweeter in the long run, and will endure.

 

[worriedmommie]

The problem with the uncle's "solution" is, as I see it, that the loss is transferred to another innocent party. Someone else is going to open that box and find it empty, and lose that much more faith in humanity, and perhaps, in God. Those who want to be a friend of God have to do things a better way.

This is EXACTLY my point. You see, passing the problem on was never on the table. What is infuriating is that our son seemed to understand that precisely and was satisfied with that and his uncle blew that away. After his initial dissapointment he seemed perfectly happy after his dad showed him how to do a card trick. Then his cousin comes along and shows him how to take matters into his own hands. That is what I need help dealing with. I think the issue with the store is a non issue compared to the lesson on morality that was imparted into my son.

 

[Nithavela]

My husband and I have a wonderful 11 year old son whom we continually thank God for. He is and always has been a really good child whom loves Jesus, loves his parents and loves his fellow man. Unfortunately some times unfortunate things happen to best of us but such is life, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Anyways, a couple weeks ago our son saved up enough money to buy himself a Nintendo 3DS. He was so excited when his father took him to the Walmart and he picked out the color and the game he wanted. When he got home he opened his new toy and we were shocked to find that somebody replaced the 3DS with two decks of playing cards. Naturally my son was extremely upset. The three of us went right back to the Walmart with receipt in hand with the open box and the decks of cards to get them to make the situation right. Long story short they refused. Their claim is that they have no idea if we were the ones who made the switch. We tried taking this matter to both the store manager and then the regional manager but the result was the same, there was nothing they would or could do for us. Understandably my son was very upset over the situation. If we had the money we would have bought him another one by that was not a possibility until payday, which was a week away.
Anyways, my husband and I decided to make this up to him on his birthday which is in two weeks and at the same time use it as a teaching opportunity. We took him home and we explained to him the situation. We explained to him there are awful people out there and how being awful hurts others. We explained to him that we did all we can, but sometimes we just have to accept dissapointment and keep faith that God has something better for us. Being the intelligent inquisitive boy he is had a ton of questions for us. He asked why the store won't make it right, he asked about why some one would be so bad to begin with and he asked what Jesus would think about this. So we told him, the store won't make it right because they don't trust us since there are so many dishonest people out there, we told him that this is the reason we should all be honest so we would not hurt other people and we told him that Jesus wants us to love others like we love ourselves and once we all do that no one will ever be hurt again. And bless his heart, he accepted what we told him, his father showed him a card trick and the huge smile returned to his face.
His father and I thought that the issue had been resolved. We planned to buy him a new system plus an additional game for his birthday and just resolved to patronize the best buy instead of the Walmart. Imagine my surprise when on Sunday I walked into his room and saw him playing on a brand new Nintendo 3DS. My first question was where did you get that? It turns out when he went to visit his 14 year old cousin whom I am going to call Beth he told her about what happened, show her the card trick he learned from his father and then she told him that her dad, his uncle and the husband of my husband's sister knows exactly how to deal with this. Beth and her father took my son to the Walmart, they bought a brand new system, then as my son explained and Beth later confirmed they steamed open the seal took out the system and put the decks of cards back in the box, resealed it and got a refund. I was just floored by this, I could not believe what I just heard. I immediately called Beth's dad and demanded to know what right he had to pretty much instruct my son to steal. There had always been friction between him and I but this was just another level. He basically called me a tool, told me that turn about is fair play, f**k the Walmart, and called me a disgrace of a mother for taking the side of a big corporation over my own flesh and blood. I called Beth to express to her my displeasure over her involvement and she basically told me that her daddy says she doesn't have to listen to me, echoed her father's sentiments on the Walmart and told me to fornicate myself. My husband and I both tried to talk to his sister but she is off the opinion that I just need to relax and not hassle her daughter or her husband.
Now I am caught in a very very difficult position.
1)do I punish my own child? On one hand he was acting under the influence of trusted older relatives but on the other hand he knew that this was wrong.
2)how do I explain to him in the way an 11 year old can understand, that it is not up to us to decide what's fair and what's not?and that it is wrong to circumvent the proper channels for redress. My husband and I tried sitting him down to explain what his uncle taught him is wrong but we couldn't find the right words. He told us that his uncle told him that it is actually the fault of the store that he got playing cards rather than a system. How do I explain to him that yes, the person who initially replaced the system was wrong for doing that, the store was wrong for taking it back and reselling it but it was equally wrong for them to trick the store again. We tried to explain that in this situation all we could do is be honest and hope that people are honest back, if they are not we have the option to vote with our feet. But I am afraid that this a difficult concept for an 11 yearold.
3)how do I tell my son that he won't be seeing much of his cousin in the future. Up until this point she always seemed like a great girl. A real tomboy type but a great girl nonetheless. She would take my son fishing, bike riding, swimming, you name it. How do I tell him that he won't be seeing her anymore.
4)my son was really looking forward to a fishing trip that his aunt and uncle were going to go on next week. This was going to be his and Beth's final summer adventure before back to school. How do I tell him that he isn't going to go anymore?
Please, all suggestions are welcome.

NVMD