Tantrums!!!

[HeatherJay]

I also disobeyed all the modern parenting books on this issue as well. A good swat worked for my kids. It's best to do this in a clam manner and not with the same tantrum that your kid is pitching. I realize that some kids might just get even more angry and so would not respond to this ideally. Just sharing what worked for us.

LOL, Dr. Phil would tell you that the worst thing you could have done after putting him back in the buggy was to give in to his temper tantrum and take him out again. You just told him pretty clearly that if he screams loud enough you'll give him what he wants. It's better to just say YES from the beginning than to say NO and then later on give in after they whine or cry enough.

But, it is hard to endure the stares from other people in the store. We've all been there, done that.

He's at an age where he's getting more independent. He wants to test his limits and see how far he can go. Kids have tantrums and throw fits...the length of time that this particular stage will last depends primarily on the way you handle it from the beginning. You have to find a way to teach him what's appropriate behavior and what's not. He's old enough to communicate his wants and needs...he's old enough to understand "Hold Mommy's hand or you have to get back in the cart."

 

[McDLT]

Sounds like fun - LOL

I think you handled it pretty well. Just want you to know that this has happened to many other parents before, so you are not alone in the world.

 

[jusluvm]

I think you handled the situation at the grocery store just fine. It's so much harder to deal with these fits when you're out in a public place. And yes, we've all been there.

I don't think a parent has to do anything to make our children think tantrums will get them what they want---I think they just like to try it out and see what happens! Repeatedly! Just part of their natural developement.

The thing that worked best for my 3 children and my numerous nieces and nephews: I simply don't give them an audience when they throw a fit.

I explain to them why they can't have their way, then, if possible, I put them in a room alone (or in their crib) and tell them that nobody wants to see or hear this type of behavior and when they are "finished" they can come out and play. If I can't put them in a room alone I just ignore them (and ask anybody else that might be present to do the same). I don't try to talk to them again---I don't even look at them---I just go about my business. Surprisingly, this works to bring the fit to a quick finish about 99% of the time. Like when his doctor left the room---maybe he just lost his audience?

If they're really worked up and continue to cry for a while, well, maybe they'll get worn out and take a good nap!

I think your baby has a great Mommy---God bless you!

 

[Leanna]

Okay serious question. Plan number 1 did not work. I am now working on plan 2 but I am seriously in fear of it being cruel and unusual punishment. If you think it isn't a good thing to do please don't massacre me, I AM asking for advice here. Remember my baby is 1 year old. He is also very stubborn and is starting to throw 30 minute tantrums even if I leave the room. He follows me, throws himself to the floor while holding my ankle. I love my son and I know he is just testing me serious for the first time here, but man I feel like a failure. I think he is a little genius though and that is why he is doing this so young. (Hey I am a mother, let me think my son is a genius, hehe) So here is plan number 2, tell me what you think. When he starts a tantrum, I place him in his crib and leave him there until he stops crying and calls for mommy to come get him. Would that be cruel?? I am asking myself this question.... what if he cries for 45 minutes....? How should I handle this? What if he doesn't understand. Can he understand? Will he? Geez.... I don't know what to do.

I have a strong willed barely toddler.... I've never heard of this before..... it sure isn't in the parenting books, according to them he is too young. Today he threw himself in front of the fridge and cried and cried. I was confused, so I opened the fridge and he grabbed the milk. I'll be honest, I gave him the milk and he stopped. Yes, I gave in and I know that is the wrong thing, but here is what I don't understand. If I had picked him up and put him in the crib... would have have thought "mommy put me here because I wanted milk" or "mommy put me here because I was throwing a fit" or "i have no idea why mommy abandoned me here in this crib." Will he understand? Yes I am repeating myself.... as you can see.... this is a challenge for me.... be nice now! I'm doing my best.

 

[HeatherJay]

*** Mental picture of you, totally confused and bewildered look on your face, going for the milk as though it's life or death ***

You're doing fine, Leanna...and we all know you're a great mommy.

I think for his age, you probably need a punishment that is more immediate. The general rule of thumb for time-outs is 1 minute for every year of the child's age. They don't really process the fact that it's a punishment for a specific action beyond that.

Have you tried teaching the difference in inside and outside voices? Best to do it when he's NOT screaming his head off, lol. But just tell him "Mommy can't hear your screaming...use your inside voice."

It's hard to teach him the proper way to handle a situation after he's already melted down...so maybe try to introduce the concepts when he's calm and then reinforce then when he's upset.

LOL, I could be totally off...just some ideas.

 

[jusluvm]

I totally agree with HeatherJay. The toughest part is his age. I know he's a genius , but how much of your conversation does he really understand?

Mommy, you've got your hands full!

 

[Princessperky]

I think giving him the milk is fine, it is milk! besides for the better part of the first year babys cry when they want food, it works, they get food!

But I would emphasise, 'why didn't you just say milk?' I know cause he couldn't, but help him and all that, and when he is screaming at something, try asking him "do you want x or y?" (guess from where he is headed) then remnind him you can't hear him if he is screaming.

But that is of course much easier to type than do! I remember long hours of "x? y? how about Z?" with DS!

On the crib, I think leaving a screaming kid is fine for a few minutes, a minute for a one year old should be fine, and give you some time to hopefully be on the other end of the house muffling the noise and some deep breathing, then you can return to the x or y questions... but I wouldn't use the crib, caus ea crib is supposed to be a safe secure sleeping space, but then I don't let my kids CIO either, so if you do, by all means use it.

Alternate ideas include just a room (baby gate or shut door, baby proofed of course) a pack in play, but only if you are not in the habit of using it. a highchair only if your kid likes mealtime already (nothing could dissuade my DS from likeing to eat!)

And yes I think he is very smart . so talk as if he did understand and be prepared to be wrong (never hurts to talk IMO)

 

[Leanna]

I would love to leave him only for a minute, but if I take him out after a minute and he is a jelly fish screaming child..... what did I accomplish??

 

[HeatherJay]

LOL, which is why it's important to try and teach him the rules when he's not freaking out. You could try a lot of positive reinforcement when he does ask for something nicely, or when he waits patiently for you. Praise him, and tell him how much nicer THAT is than if he were to cry and throw a fit. Of course he'll still cry for some things, but at least you'll have a given him the message that Mommy is so proud of him when he doesn't throw a fit.

It's a place to start.

Also, keep in mind that the purpose of the time out isn't to teach him how to react...it's a punishment for not asking for something properly. And make sure that you try to help him understand that's why he's being punished...because he didn't use his inside voice. You've got to help him learn how to react properly when he's not in the middle of a tantrum.

My humble advice, lol.

 

[Leanna]

Yes that is EXACTLY what I have been trying to do. Positively reinforce when he asks nicely or when he comes up to mommy and expresses wanting to play without crying. It doesn't seem to be helping. I think further ignoring of wailing child and possibly teaching him baby sign language might be the cue. He seems to desperately want to communicate, but can't, so he's frustrated. Also, wailing in front of fridge for milk SEEMS to be effective, so why stop? I can see his thought process here.

 

[HeatherJay]

Yes that is EXACTLY what I have been trying to do. Positively reinforce when he asks nicely or when he comes up to mommy and expresses wanting to play without crying. It doesn't seem to be helping. I think further ignoring of wailing child and possibly teaching him baby sign language might be the cue. He seems to desperately want to communicate, but can't, so he's frustrated. Also, wailing in front of fridge for milk SEEMS to be effective, so why stop? I can see his thought process here.

Keep at it, girlie. I KNOW it seems like talking to a brick wall sometimes (having the same issue with my husband this morning...grrrr ), but stay positive. Baby sign language sounds like a good idea. At least simple things like 'milk' or whatever. At least part of his meltdowns probably have to do with his frustration at not being able to effectively communicate and the inability to do it himself.

It's hard being little.

 

[Leanna]

Yes, poor little guy, he wants to tell mommy what he learned about calculus but he can't even speak!!

 

[andiesmama]

Yes, poor little guy, he wants to tell mommy what he learned about calculus but he can't even speak!!

I caught your message in the WD about this thread...sounds like your little one is preparing you for a fun-filled & challenging future! lol

Andie's tantrums didn't start this early, hers started closer to age 3 when she could understand consequences, etc. So I'm kinda at a loss....

But I think it all boils down to more of his frustration in NOT being able to communicate with you more than just being willfully irrational...does that make sense? That's why I think baby sign language is a great idea to start with him. Or maybe even post a picture of milk on the fridge, a pic of fruit (or whatever snack he likes)...then maybe he could learn to point to what he's wanting & won't get as frustrated.

But by all means, if a tantrum ensues, I think a time out in the crib is a good idea. I put Andie in her bed for a time out...no toys, though! And a minute is quite long enough...even if he's still fussing after a minute. I give Andie 3-5 minutes (usually depending on how long I need to de-stress! lol) and even if she's still crying, I'll go back in & cuddle her until she stops, then I can talk with her about why she went into timeout, reinforce that I love her with all my heart, that kind of stuff. Of course, I tell her BEFORE she goes into time out why, but normally she's in the middle of a screaming tantrum and I'm sure it goes in one ear & out the other! lol

You're doing a great job, really....parenting is mostly just flying by the seat of our pants, you know!

 

[Leanna]

You know what he wants right now? A bottle. He saw an empty one on the counter and he threw himself to the floor. I said no. He cried more. I said no, you're too big, and put him in his crib. He cried more.... I waited 3 minutes, went back in and picked him up and cuddled him and then brought him into the living room and sat down on the floor with him. He rolled out of my arms and screamed and thrashed about. I said no honey, thats not how you communicate with mommy, you are too big for a bottle. We did this cycle twice, then I laid him down a third time and went and got together a sippy cup and some stuff to start dinner with and went and got him and put him in the high chair. He threw the sippy cup to the floor and the food overboard and stiffened and continued his fit!!! Yes at this point I feel really frazzled. I told him no, you can't just throw a fit, and put him back into his crib. I am going to go get him in 60 seconds! I just have to believe that I am doing the right thing I guess. Hey he just stopped, time to give him another chance to be a part of a non tantrum world.....

 

[andiesmama]

consistency is the key, you're doing great! It's kinda like doing the CIO when they're learning to put themselves to sleep...you hate to see them cry like that but in the long run it's for their own good.

 

[Leanna]

Well that time he ate and didn't bother with a tantrum. I hope that means he got it.... that or he was totally tired out by then.....

 

[Princessperky]

Hide the bottles! no need to make life any harder on the kid than neccessary.

And yeah sounds like it worked , hopefully he wil settle down earlier next time.

One thing that sometimes works with DD (she is a bit older) is to do something fun right next to her, but not ask if she wants to play, which of course she does. And I always let her if she is done having a tantrum.

 

[Leanna]

Last night he didn't throw any fits through dinner, then I went to go eat my dinner and he wanted some. So he went to start a tantrum and I said something like, "David! No tantrum... you want food, you say mommy please" He instantly stopped and said, "momomom" and I gave him some of my food.

This morning, he started with a tantrum or two and I gave him a timeout or two. Then the third time he went to throw one and I said, "David, no.... thats not how we communicate" and he stopped and pointed at what he had lost and wanted.

 

[Linnis]

Congrats to Leanna & David!

 

[Princessperky]

Yeah!!!!!! That is awesome!