Talked for the first time...

[flying_kiwifruit]

First quick intro to me. I'm Nat and I'm 17. I live with my parents and have two older brothers C who is 22 and A who is 20.

Yesterday after over 1 and half years of seeing a cousellor, I told what happened to me when I was younger. When I was abused for a year by C. It was really hard, but before now I would only get minor flashbacks when I saw him. Now I'm finding hard to sleep sometimes because I can't stop thinking about it.

I wish I had never talked about it now, but I did and now I have to see him more times to go through thoughts and feelings and stuff. I feel like this is going to break me.

I've been planning to post here for a while but never had the guts to until tonight.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Wow Nat...I'm so proud of you Hun. I can't imagine how scary it must be for you, but you know I really think this is the right thing for you to do. I'm always around if you want to talk sis .

 

[FaithfulWife]

I'm proud of you too Nat, and as a person who has survived counseling I want to encourage you. When I first went to counseling I thought I was sort of holding it together but I also knew I sort of wasn't. So off I went to counseling and after a while I remember distinctly thinking, "Hey--I thought this was supposed to make me feel better and I feel WORSE!"

Well, it was like I had bunch of gooey tar inside me and for the longest time I had just pushed the tar way deep inside. Going to the counselor brought all that tar up to the surface again which felt kind of crummy--but it also got rid of the tar and so that as time went on it did feel better.

Hang in there! It does get better...but this part is hard!

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

Yeah anyone got any suggestion for getting to sleep at night cause really not a good idea to be really tired at school. If I put on Rap ot Rock music I can get it out of my mind but then can't fall asleep so it doesnt work. The only ones I know are for when its like middle of the day or your not trying to got to sleep

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Have you tried doing something that you enjoy (and is relaxing) before you go to bed? Sometime like reading a book, drawing/painting or listening to music (something like Brooke Fraser)?

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

Have you tried doing something that you enjoy (and is relaxing) before you go to bed? Sometime like reading a book, drawing/painting or listening to music (something like Brooke Fraser)?

Music is the only one that seems to work because I can concertrate on the lyrics until I fall asleep. Will try Brooke Fraser next time that I have put it on my MP4 player

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

Warning a little rant ahead.

I really want want to throw in the towel and not go back on thursday to continue talking. I just want to put it behind me, burry it and it can re emerge in 10 or so years then I can burry it again. I want to keep running from all of this and not face it. Talking about it it making things worse, it triggers me majorly. Why do I have to talk now?

 

[FaithfulWife]

Nat~

I'm not sure WHY it's leaking out now, but it is. For some reason it's time for it to come out now--you can't take smashing down anymore, but letting it come up feels like emotional vomiting too.

I have a few things that worked for me. Regarding sleeping, there were a few years for me when sleep was not impossible but it was hard, so what I would do it try to get into a habit of going to bed at the same time each night (train my body when to get tired). For the 1/2 hour before bed I'd do something that was relaxing and soothing--sometimes a warm bath and sometimes reading a book for pleasure...something that usually made me sorta sleepy. Then I'd actually lay in bed. Like you, I can't sleep in dead silence--my brain just SCREAMS along. But I can sleep with some low volume, quiet music going. Now, I'm an old person, so I listen to native american flute or world beat music. You might want to try some Ambient stuff (Steve Roach is a guy who puts me right to ZZZZZzzzzzz) or just have a fan buzzing...not for the breeze but for the buzzy sound. Sooooo...I'm laying there in bed and I give myself an hour. I will actually lay calmly, pray, and try to go to sleep for one hour, and if I'm not asleep, I'll get up, make tea, and try to do something quiet but productive (like writing in my journal or folding laundry). I figure if I'm not asleep I'm not gonna be--so I might as well do something. Also, I try to do something sort of fun not something I hate, I'm stressing about, or that will make me cry.

Regarding the not wanting to talk now thing, can I make a suggestion? At times it may feel like now that it's coming out, it's coming out like vomit all over and it's stressing you out. It's cool if you slow down a little but keep making baby steps. Not all steps have to be big, gigantic, hurtful, painful leaps. Some can just be a little change...a little change...a little bit...keep moving a little...stop and rest...keep moving...a little step. That way, it's BEARABLE and yet you're progressing. You can speak to your therapist or counselor about that too. Tell them you want to keep moving forward but it's freaking ya out and you want to try doing baby steps.

Okay? You'll be okay. It's hard and hurts a lot doesn't it?


~Faithful

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

Nat~

I'm not sure WHY it's leaking out now, but it is. For some reason it's time for it to come out now--you can't take smashing down anymore, but letting it come up feels like emotional vomiting too.

The reason it's coming out now is that I caouldn't emotionally keep running from it, and I knew I needed to get things sorted before I leave school and is realsed into the big wide world.

I have a few things that worked for me. Regarding sleeping, there were a few years for me when sleep was not impossible but it was hard, so what I would do it try to get into a habit of going to bed at the same time each night (train my body when to get tired). For the 1/2 hour before bed I'd do something that was relaxing and soothing--sometimes a warm bath and sometimes reading a book for pleasure...something that usually made me sorta sleepy. Then I'd actually lay in bed. Like you, I can't sleep in dead silence--my brain just SCREAMS along. But I can sleep with some low volume, quiet music going. Now, I'm an old person, so I listen to native american flute or world beat music. You might want to try some Ambient stuff (Steve Roach is a guy who puts me right to ZZZZZzzzzzz) or just have a fan buzzing...not for the breeze but for the buzzy sound. Sooooo...I'm laying there in bed and I give myself an hour. I will actually lay calmly, pray, and try to go to sleep for one hour, and if I'm not asleep, I'll get up, make tea, and try to do something quiet but productive (like writing in my journal or folding laundry). I figure if I'm not asleep I'm not gonna be--so I might as well do something. Also, I try to do something sort of fun not something I hate, I'm stressing about, or that will make me cry.

Steffi's suggestion of Brooke Fraser has worked pretty well and I have found two other softer bands that work which are Hillsong and Delerious. They have enough of beat to distractr my mind but not so much they keep me awake.

Regarding the not wanting to talk now thing, can I make a suggestion? At times it may feel like now that it's coming out, it's coming out like vomit all over and it's stressing you out. It's cool if you slow down a little but keep making baby steps. Not all steps have to be big, gigantic, hurtful, painful leaps. Some can just be a little change...a little change...a little bit...keep moving a little...stop and rest...keep moving...a little step. That way, it's BEARABLE and yet you're progressing. You can speak to your therapist or counselor about that too. Tell them you want to keep moving forward but it's freaking ya out and you want to try doing baby steps.

I talked to my coucellor about it feeling like it was too much today and he has told me that we can take this as slow or as fast as I want to. Which is good because I'm a big control freak. I'm going to take it slow because with this came a big issue of regret about things I have done in the past. I'm glad I can take it slowly, but I also know he won't let me dwell, he will push my limits but not so far they break.

Okay? You'll be okay. It's hard and hurts a lot doesn't it?


~Faithful

Okay, and yes it hurts more than what I've experience before, more than what my two close friends can understand, but they still give me a hug when I'm down and upset if I will let them, they are still there even though they don't understand fully what my mind is going through. For that I am very grateful to them for.

 

[FaithfulWife]

I have to be honest with you--I'm eternally grateful that your friends DON'T understand, because that means they've never had to go through it. So Praise God for that one!

Nonetheless--I am glad you have friends there with you who are willing to be supportive..and friends here that understand.

Hang in! You're doing well!

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

I have to be honest with you--I'm eternally grateful that your friends DON'T understand, because that means they've never had to go through it. So Praise God for that one!

Nonetheless--I am glad you have friends there with you who are willing to be supportive..and friends here that understand.

Hang in! You're doing well!

I'm grateful that they don't as well. I would hate to think any of my friends had been through anything like what I have.

I'm will never forget these friends they are the ones I can call true friends who have stuck by me all this time, even when I wanted to punch them for pushing me when I needed to be pushed.

Thanks to those who replied.

 

[TexasSky]

Warning a little rant ahead.

I really want want to throw in the towel and not go back on thursday to continue talking. I just want to put it behind me, burry it and it can re emerge in 10 or so years then I can burry it again. I want to keep running from all of this and not face it. Talking about it it making things worse, it triggers me majorly. Why do I have to talk now?

Speaking about it opened the memory.

Trying to shut off the memory, without "dealing" with it, will make it worse than it already is, but you are the only one who knows what pace you can deal with.

As to sleeping at night - can you sleep with something like a television in the background? Or can you fall asleep at night focusing on something else like a poem or a prayer or a scripture?

If your mind is occupied when you fall asleep, you will tend to dream about what is on your mind. You also often dream about what is in the background (like a television.) It is when your brain is searching for something that it clings to what is bothering you, and in your case, it is the thing you do not want to deal with right now.

You also might try some of the Celestial Seasons Teas meant to relieve tension.

 

[ChristInAction]

I love you nat!
hang in there & know i'm always here no matter what.
you know i know what its like.
& I know your strong enough to beat this too.

 

[gratefulgrace]

It is good that you are able to deal with it at such a young age. I didn't really start addressing the damage the abuse had done to me until after my third child was born in my middle 30's. I had never ever told anyone except my husband up until then and it was hard to get it out but it was the best thing. Healing is a long process and the slow track is probably the best one as it gives your psyche time to process the hurt and damage and slowly heal before going to the next level. May God be with you every step of the way sister. gratefulgrace