Taking a Risk

[Living4Him03]

Ladies, does it seem to you that many Christian guys are not willing to take the initiative to ask you out, call you, etc?

If a guy is interested, it seems to me he'll take the initiative to call sometimes or ask us out. But, I've noticed that this is a rare thing for the Christian men I have dated. Most of the time I would end up being the one to call HIM in such relationships.

Why is that guys? What prevents you from taking the initiative and taking a risk and just asking a girl out? I mean, especially if you know she likes you. Also, what makes you not call her after awhile and expect her to call you?

Do you guys really expect women to "take over" after you have won them over so that you don't havd to do any of the work?

It seems to me guys get lazy or don't want to go to the trouble of simply calling to talk for five minutes. We need some real men in this world! I take the initiative and am proactive in school, at work, etc. I don't want to be the one to call HIM and plan dates. Sheesh. C'mon guys!

 

[gjeste]

wow, I didnt know that women thought this way.

I'm always afraid of calling girls or asking a girl out, because I feel like I am not good enough for her or that she already has a lot of competition going after her.

I think a lot of men feel this way, and ironically because of this, we tend to pull back too much! Yeah, us men should definately be the initiators though, and you've given me reason to go out and do more of that.

I am definately fine with doing half or even the majority of the work.

As to why this is more of a problem among Christian guys than regular guys?
Maybe its because Christian guys, are told that they shouldnt look for their girl, and that God will just place them in their path, and if we go and look for one that that is not trusting in God? It seems to me that Christian men have been fed this message, many many times.

 

[mina]

Well, I've asked God to protect me from any guy that would not be right for me or wouldn't drive me closer to Him. So I don't want tons of guys taking a risk for me, I just want the right one. The guy that I am interested in has always taken the iniative in our relationship. Although I do call him from time to time, because we also have a great friendship and simply put he's my friend and I like to talk with him. But I let him take the lead in where this relationship is going. Plus I know he's really scared about making a commitment or making a mistake and I'm not going to force him to do anything that he doesn't want to do. I don't want to manipulate him, that's not love. I trust that if he's the right one for me that God will speak to his fears and lead us together. I gladly relinglish that role to him to initiate because i'm not comfortable with that at all. However that doesnt mean that I give him the cold shoulder and act like a snob and not contact him at all. I try to treat him like a friend. And a friend would call a friend.

 

[Sketcher]

I'm just introverted. That's the way I've always been.

Besides, it takes time to figure out if I should give the girl in question a shot.

As to why this is more of a problem among Christian guys than regular guys?
Maybe its because Christian guys, are told that they shouldnt look for their girl, and that God will just place them in their path, and if we go and look for one that that is not trusting in God? It seems to me that Christian men have been fed this message, many many times.

Very well put.

 

[ChrisB803]

And the confusion goes on. Women want men to take initiative, but they don't want to be pressured or made uncomfortable at the same time. Guys want women to give more of an outward sign of their interest, but at the same time we often don't want the woman to be too forward.

Does anyone else seem to notice that no amount of discussion about this topic ever leads to a conclusion?

If I become interested in a girl (and it takes me some time to know whether that interest is truly grounded in something substantial, or just my heart skipping a beat at a lovely face), then I will find a way to let them know and try to find out if the interest is mutual. To this point the two have not met up, not because I'm hideous or she's a stuck-up prude, but because God has not allowed it to this point. I think honesty and forthrightness is the best in any situation, and too many people are scared of being hurt, or of hurting other people.... And some people are too unafraid as well.

 

[mina]

There is no standard conclusion, because each person, male or female is complicated and unique. If it's the right person for you, it will work out with you being who God made you to be. Be yourself but prayerfully take risks if you feel God is leading you to do so. lol it is confusing.

 

[Living4Him03]

Ooooooor the guy will hint at wanting to do something, then never ask you directly. Ugh.

 

[Fatolia]

A while back I was suggesting that we guys should just ask girls out more often. "Christian girls never get asked out," I hear...This would be at least the third time I've heard this in the last couple of months. In one respect, Christian guys tend to be kind of wussy. On the other hand, that can be a good thing to avoid broken hearts.

For me, I wish I could ask more gals out just for fun, but I'm seriously too busy with school. Instead, I find gals at church to talk with about the more intimate and faith issues of life. My suggestion is to get involved with a church group and get yourself in a conversation with a guy that lasts two or three hours and not only get to know each other but discuss issues, ideas, and dreams...Pray for that to happen, and be willing to encourage. They're bros struggling with sin just like you...go in expecting and assuming that. Girls often put the standoffish aura on me, I believe either expecting me to ask them out or leave. The girls I see could use a conversation I approach and offer a long talk with (no, not sympathy conversations...these are also girls who are extremely popular!) It works. Some guys really love to talk, and if you do too it should be cake. Be amiable and willing to talk for a long time when you do interact, and you'll find that it's even more worthwhile than dating.

 

[Living4Him03]

Sure guys love to talk, but they are for little action as I've seen.

 

[Living4Him03]

I don't act standoffish most of the time! I am friendly, I try to make it pretty darn clear that I like them and WANT them to ask me out, they act as though they will or mention things that make me think they are planning to, then they never do.

 

[KeilCoppes]

First the girls need to show up and they need to be for real about their faith. One of the major challenges for me is finding those who are well grounded. Nothing is less attractive than someone who is on a totally different page spiritually, when you're looking to live a life planted on the word. Finding someone who is stable, peaceful, and friendly, who you think you might be able to build something with...

Once you find someone like that it's easy to ask them out. It's the finding that's rare.

 

[gjeste]

I don't act standoffish most of the time! I am friendly, I try to make it pretty darn clear that I like them and WANT them to ask me out, they act as though they will or mention things that make me think they are planning to, then they never do.

I need to meet more women like you. The women that I approach never give me any type of positive affirmation. Its like I'm fishing in the dark!

But then again, my mine problem is that I only approach the really hot girls, and they are always really stuck up.

Darn, I need to be less shallow.

 

[Out of the Flames]

And short of saying, "Hey, talking with you has been great! Care to get together sometime?", some men will never pick up on the fact that you're interested in going out with them.

Although I have to agree with gjeste in that many people, men and women alike, are told that they should wait for that perfect person to be placed on their same path by God. So you then have passive dating scene, filled with a lot of confusion and what ifs, but no interaction. I swear, the Amish have more productive courting rituals, but this is the courtship that we in our churches have defined and have found them less than satisfactory.

I, on the other hand, don't believe the nonsense about men being the sole initiators. Ladies, you were given minds and mouths for a reason. There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't be able to take some of that initiative that you hold so dear. If you see what you perceive to be a potential match, then by all means, make a connection. What do you have to lose other than the what if thinking?

 

[Living4Him03]

Well I am the type of girl I think to scare guys off from the beginning...this morning I visited a singles group and while it was great, I did notice that only one of the guys came up to introduce himself. I was one of the few girls brave enough to join the co-ed mostly men's class. The thin and pretty blonde making jokes throughout was the one the guys had their eyes glued to. It almost bothered them that I had something intelligent instead of "cute" to say. I'm sorry, but I do not go to bible study to impress the men. I joined the class so that I could get a guy's perspective and not deal with all the giddiness that typically goes on in an all girl's class. I just dont think I should change who I am to conform to the group. Sure, the guys were friendly before class started, but that's expected with a visitor. I guess I'll have to see how things go the next week. I got the impression that if you are female and you approach the guys, people think you are looking for a date instead of genuinely wanting to build friendships with the guys TOO. Even the guys seem to have that attitude to an extent. Maybe God brought me to that church so I can help out with people being more co-ed. lol. The minister commented that it looked like a 7th grade dance with the guys on one side and the girls on the other side before we were dismissed to sunday school. I asked the guys in the co-ed class, before more people got there, if they were running the women off, jokingly, and the teacher was like "yah, well, I don't know. I guess the girls are intimidated".

 

[Grunt]

When guys are so used to seeing most girls have no interest at all in them they become blind to the one who does.

 

[Living4Him03]

Oh, and to add, I don't hold a double standard to guys. I won't say guys should notice all women and their unique qualties and not base everything on looks if I don't hold to that standard myself. I noticed all types of guys there this morning...I noticed all of them...the nerds, the jocks, the seminary guys, etc. etc. They all seemed to be interesting guys...some were more attractive to me than others. However, why limit myself and focus on the "hot" guys when the ones who aren't conventionally cute could be even more dedicated to God than the hot guys? I just don't understand men. i hope not all men think the way you do gjeste...you are really missing out.

 

[Living4Him03]

And short of saying, "Hey, talking with you has been great! Care to get together sometime?", some men will never pick up on the fact that you're interested in going out with them.

Although I have to agree with gjeste in that many people, men and women alike, are told that they should wait for that perfect person to be placed on their same path by God. So you then have passive dating scene, filled with a lot of confusion and what ifs, but no interaction. I swear, the Amish have more productive courting rituals, but this is the courtship that we in our churches have defined and have found them less than satisfactory.

I, on the other hand, don't believe the nonsense about men being the sole initiators. Ladies, you were given minds and mouths for a reason. There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't be able to take some of that initiative that you hold so dear. If you see what you perceive to be a potential match, then by all means, make a connection. What do you have to lose other than the what if thinking?

southern baptist guys wanna do the initiating because they typically don't think women should be too aggressive or forward or whatever. Not that their idea of women is necessarily biblical, but it's southern baptist tradition.

 

[gjeste]

Oh, and to add, I don't hold a double standard to guys. I won't say guys should notice all women and their unique qualties and not base everything on looks if I don't hold to that standard myself. I noticed all types of guys there this morning...I noticed all of them...the nerds, the jocks, the seminary guys, etc. etc. They all seemed to be interesting guys...some were more attractive to me than others. However, why limit myself and focus on the "hot" guys when the ones who aren't conventionally cute could be even more dedicated to God than the hot guys? I just don't understand men. i hope not all men think the way you do gjeste...you are really missing out.

Men are stupid sometimes, and we sometimes place too much emphasis on looks. I try not to, and I remind myself how it is a really good thing to find a girl who is right in her walk with God, but a lot of times I tend to pull the wool over my own eyes and pay interest to the wrong girls. I dont fall for the girls who are not Christians or who are seriously backslidden, but it is easy for me to fall for the girls that are mediocre in their faith.

In general I find that I also tend to give people the benefit of the doubt a lot, and although sometimes this can be bad, it can also be a really good thing. I tend to believe that most Christians are basically good people, regardless of how many times they read their Bible a day, or how involved they are at their church or what not. For the Christians who arent as involved I still hold them up highly, because that is kind of the way that I am as well. And I dont base righteousness on how 'churchy' people are, and I dont think other people should either.

Does that make any sense?

PS: and not all men do think the way that I do, I have been told by some people that I am more shallow than most men.

 

[MrDude]

I want both looks and personality. Looks are the first thing I look for because, obviously, it's the easiest thing to see. Then I'll try to get to know the person, and if I really like their personality and they seem like a genuine Christian, then I will pursue something. If not, I move on. I won't date someone I find physically unnattractive who has a great personality, but I also won't date a great looking girl with a bad personality.

I suppose some consider it shallow, but oh well. I want what I want and if I can't have it, then I don't want anything at all(when it comes to the relationship area).

 

[Living4Him03]

As I've said in another thread virtually NO ONE is either pretty and hateful or ugly and sweet!

I think a lot of guys (some girls too) see a cute girl who is Christian and that's all they need to know before they ask her out. What if she's not on the same intellctual level? What if God called you to go to another country to do missions where you'd have to live in a hut and she hates the outdoors?

I am attracted to all sorts of guys...I look for guys to stand out from the crowd. For example, today there was a guy going to seminary and what impressed me is that he was really into God's Word and wanted to know what the class could do to better prepare for next week's lesson. It didn't seem like a charade either. Another guy in the same class was not as physically attractive conventionally as some of the guys in the group, but he stood out. He was making people laugh and was really nice.

Maybe this just comes with maturity, which takes most guys a bit longer than girls to develop. You eventually realize that yah that person is hot and a Christian, but what else do they have? Don't assume because they are hot and Christian that everything else falls into place as well!