Taipanus - Chapter One

[Bob Crowley]

I've had this sitting on my computer for quite a while. It's what might be called an attempt to extend the "The Screwtape Letters" to an Australian scenario, years later, hence the "downunder" terminology.

I don't think it's particularly good, and one lot of Screwtape letters is probably all we need. Ideally I'd like to have an angelic counterpoint, so that each chapter is followed by a countervailing chapter alerting a guardian angel to the demon's wiles. But as CS Lewis wrote, "Who could write it?" Every word would have to smell of heaven.

Anyway I'd appreciate feedback if any. This is just chapter one, along with a Foreword.

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FOREWORD

I cannot divulge the source of this correspondence. It appears to have crossed my own lines of electronic communication by some sort of error. This is surprising since I did not think infernal authorities used electronic messaging. And the last such leak occurred when there was no such electronic transmission, at least not as we know it today.

It seems to be some sort of dialogue between a senior devil and a junior devil. Oddly enough the junior devil appears to be the very same incompetent tempter of 1942, dealt with by his "Uncle Screwtape", as disclosed by the then Literary Pendragon. This time however, from what I gather, the new adviser calls himself ‘Taipanus’. Of course, the Taipan is one of the world's deadliest snakes, and quite common Down Under. They also remain hidden - you don't see them until they strike.

The junior devil still seems to have the name ‘Wormwood’. Since in the last correspondence, which came to light during a brief passage during what we humans call the ‘Second World War’, and which the devils laughingly call ‘The Human’s Second Bun Fight’, one would have thought the infernal authorities would have been more careful about code names.

But perhaps the one they call the ‘Enemy’ knows who they are anyway. It is obvious that they are not out to fool Him at least, and all of Taipanus’ strategy appears to be directed to deceiving just one man.

At least that is what seems to be the case.

As the Pendragon pointed out in his foreword to the previous correspondence, the devil is a liar. Therefore it would be foolhardy to assume that everything in this seeming leak is true. To quote the Pendragon, “There is wishful thinking in Hell as well as on earth”.

My biggest fear is that it could all be misinformation, a deliberate stooge to have us looking the wrong way at the wrong time. I can only allow my readers to make such a distinction.

I divulge the limited edition I received here. It would appear the infernal authorities realized there was a leak, and have long since plugged the gap. Ambitious or publicity seeking individuals need not call on me to help them in their misdirected quest – there is nothing else other than what I am disclosing chapter by chapter. And once I get to the end, I assure the reader that is all there is.

I assume any future correspondence will be years down the track, long after I am gone. By then the communication may well be quantum based, and the intended victim in another galaxy.

Bob Crowley.
Down Under

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CHAPTER ONE

My Dear Wormwood,

I have here a letter of parole signed by the Comptroller of Infernal Corrrectional Centres, Down Under. It states you are to be released, an allegedly rehabilitated tempter, back into human society. But since you failed so miserably in your own stamping grounds some sixty years ago to trap your young man, you were transported to the Colonial Down Under for retraining and disciplinary action.

I am sure will appreciate another lapse of judgment will mean a far more torrid experience, and for what the humans would regard as a much longer time. We do not measure time as they do of course, so let us just say another term of enforced punishment will be one you will never forget. I have, in advance, enclosed with this letter a publicity booklet, illustrating the methods and means we use in the High Security Compound. It is lavishly illustrated, and the methods are explained in excruciating detail.

Do not fail again, if you please. And now, you little Pommy Demon, let me fill you in the human society into which you are to be released this time.

You are residing just below the surface of the Antipodes of your former home ground. As a weak pun on the fact, we call it ‘Down Under”, which the humans do sometimes as well. Now there are several things in your favour. The first is that as a whole the nation is, these days, rather godless. This we have managed to achieve through a prolonged onslaught of humanist propaganda, easy economic times, and a lack of real emergencies to shake them out of their lethargy.

However our intelligence has gathered that the Enemy admitted to His own guardian angel of this people that He is “sick and tired of condemning them”. And He wants the people shaken up so that they might turn to Him. Therefore we know something is afoot, and while we will not be able to stop it altogether, we know we can distort it so that it loses much of its intended effect. You will remember how we managed to divide the Enemy’s Church in what the humans call the “Reformation”. Now we could not stop Him cleaning up the church’s act altogether, but by the time we had finished, Christians all over Europe had been killing each other for the better part of a century and the Church has been divided ever since.

Ten million dead later, they compromised, which means we no longer have to fear a unified Church. We could not have done this of course had we not gotten to one man, using mainly his fear and resentment of the rather unfair way he had been treated. Offered a political way out, he accepted it. The rest, as they say, is history.

Now the man you are going to be given will not be in such a pivotal role. To be quite blunt, you would not be trusted with such an undertaking. Those humans who are deemed worthy of such treatment are usually those in whom the Enemy has a vital stake, and tempters of great experience and skill are devoted to their destruction.

I have already told you the people are rather godless. Your young man is no exception, but the Enemy has been moving to bring him under His control. What you have to do is to ensure that His approach fails. As usual the method involves some disillusionment of the young man with ‘normal life’. He has not been very successful since leaving school, and the last four years have been the worst. He is going through a divorce, feels guilty and is not sure where his next job is going to come from.

He had, by the way, a very bad relationship with his father, which is always a factor in our favour. But I will expand on that at a later date.

In such a state of mind, the little bit of boring Sunday School teaching he received as a child has been used as an opening by the Enemy to get him to start thinking that ‘there must be more to life than this’.

But at this very time, in a local church, there is a redoubtable warrior of the Enemy’s and it is crystal clear the Enemy is going to steer the young man towards this person. Your very first task will be to prevent any thoughts of visiting the church where he got the original Sunday School teaching. Since he is only likely to go there on a Sunday the first time, and is too proud to seek a private audience with a parson at this stage, all you have to do is to get him diverted whenever a Sunday comes around. Get him depressed, so he does not get out of bed for example. Or if there is a good movie on the TV, move his mind towards that. Anything – just don’t let him get near that church!

He doesn’t really want to go to Church you see. He doesn’t really believe, and sees himself entering the door of the church with the word “Hypocrite” stamped all over him. But the Enemy will not give up so easily and your young man is going to find an unaccountable pressure to visit the church. He won’t understand it, but he will be aware of its presence.

You must then make every effort to ensure the inexplicable pressure placed on him by the Enemy is distracted into some other activity, no matter how innocuous. Or no activity at all, if that is possible.

I warn you, if he does go to this church, your job will be harder. And if the old boy in charge of it gets a hold of him, you’re going to have a real fight on your hands.

Now I must close this correspondence. I have a meeting to attend deep, deep down in the oligarchy of devils. Large moves are afoot, and rumours are abounding. But all you are expected to do is to keep your mind on your job.

Now here is your letter of parole. Keep it on your person at all times, Wormwood, and if one of the Infernal Security Police demands you show it to him, do so at once. They are not called the Beastapo for nothing.

I will be in touch with you again. You can be sure of it!

Taipanus. B. Sin, Ph. Devilry, etc.
Correctional Officer,
Down Under.

 

[Bob Crowley]

PS to Foreword - Postings will be somewhat intermittent. For a start, the idiot character is mostly based on me, and as the first line states, I'm a great procrastinator.

The other reason is that while I've got a few Taipanus Chapters written, I don't have the corresponding heavenly responses as yet. This is not surprising, as the devil is always miles ahead with his propaganda, and I'm depending on a source who can give me a leak from heaven.

As usual God's taking His time getting back to me.

Bob Crowley

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CHAPTER TWO

My Dear Wormwood,

I have received your first report on your patient’s characteristics. You say he is a great procrastinator. That is always a factor in our favor. You can, if you play your cards right, get him to put off visiting the church on the pretext that it will still be there next week. He is right of course. But that particular pastor won’t always be there. In fact if we could legitimately find a way to shuffle the pastor off his mortal coil, we would. But the Enemy won’t let us. He has threatened to get dirty if we pull a stunt like that. Not that He plays fair anyway, but we just don’t need the extra aggro at this stage.

Now I wrote in my last letter that he was too proud to visit a pastor, any pastor, privately. But I would hasten to add that if it appears unavoidable he is going to set foot in the door of that church, visiting the pastor would, at this early stage, be much the lesser of two evils. For if he were to pour out his troubled soul, and of course his own actions which he has lately performed, there would be an immediate dislike by the old pastor of this new member.

Your young man is sensitive in this regard, and he would detect the hostility. There is a good chance he would get into a huff, and go somewhere else. I well remember a patient of mine, a very raw Christian, who wondered if he should buy his newly acquired reverend father a Christmas present. I quietly convinced him to buy a six pack of beer, two bottles of rum, three Gold Lotto tickets and an entry ticket to the races, and publicly present them to the teetotal reverend in front of the congregation as a token of his gratitude. The vote of thanks he received that Christmas swore him off the Church forever. He is now safe in Our Father’s House Below.

You see it can sometimes be a case of the lesser evil. Had he done nothing, I should have been forced to think up another scheme.

Now we know for certain the Enemy is keen that these two meet. So do be careful won’t you, to ensure they never do, or if they must, do so in such a way as to make the contact mutually beneficial for us.

I note you also say he is an independent sort of chap in most ways. Now this is, in itself, neutral. The Enemy wants community, yet He also expects them to stand on their own two feet. In short this quality is neither in our favor or His.

But for the moment I should keep reminding him of this quality of independence. He is unlikely to swallow the “Master of my fate” business, with which a very successful tempter persuaded another young man to blow up a kindergarten of about 200 children. \

Yet perhaps he could be quite easily persuaded, even at this early stage, to see the incongruity of prayer for example. Point out to him that if this God he is just beginning to think about really does exist, then He must know everything that is going on. And if He knows for example that somebody is sick, then why does a human have to pray about it? Couldn’t He just fix up the problem without somebody telling Him about it?

Then you can bring up the whole glorious gamut of atheism. If you see his mind even just flickering in that direction, contact me immediately. I have a list to hand of useful contacts in his local community, and on the internet, who could in a very short time completely dissuade him from any religious thoughts whatsoever.

The third quality you mentioned is carnal mindedness. Mind you he is a young man, and just about every single report I receive from all my male tempters mention this failing. In fact, I sometimes wonder if young human males think about anything else. There is a Christian humorist somewhere who once wrote that if he were to take literally the command to tear out the offending part, whether an eye or an arm, then he would have been a headless eunuch years ago.

Now the whole subject of sexual temptation is not one to go into at this stage. Apart from being a grinding bore for us spirits, since we are sexless, in his present situation he is not likely to be attracted to females of the species, or they to him. I think it is best if we leave that to the time when there is a possibility of that happening.

Right now your whole analysis should be aimed at preventing him setting foot inside that door. I trust you were shown the chilling horror film, “Doorway to Heaven”, during your stint in the House of Correction for Incompetent Tempters? Remember the doom laden atmosphere of the church door, and the smug smile of the Enemy as the patient wandered like Dumber’s kid brother under the archway and into the territory of the utterly lost? He even looked lost. There he was, first time in a church, and even he was wondering what the hell he was doing there, and all the reform school audience could do was squirm, and cover their eyes. You do not wish to see that happen to you, do you?

But, as with any good tactician, some “What If” analysis should always be done. It is impossible to cover all outcomes, but at least you only have the single “What If” situation to be concerned about. That is, if he sets foot inside the door.

For your next assignment, Wormwood, present me with a thorough critique of such an event, and the steps you would take to render such a process innocuous. As a beginning reference, I recommend the volume by Petro Stringer, our utilitarian expert, “Opening Gambits of Great Infernal Battles”. It has several chapters devoted to subterfuge within Enemy territory, and presents some novel ways to booby trap pews.

I want it before Sunday week. We know he is going away this weekend, and the danger is temporarily removed. But the earlier you respond the better.

Yours etc., Taipanus. B. Sin, Ph. Devilry,
Correctional Officer,
Down Under