Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[LovesTruePassion]

Things are good here, just a tad frustrated with myself. I know you shouldnt worry over the past but I do regret my eating disorder so much. It looks as if it will be hard to conceive, I ask for prayers I have had many problems over the years with my reproductive system due to anorexia. Multiple cysts on my ovaries, amenorrhea(loss of menstrual cycle which caused the cysts), and lots more with my fertility and other physical problems with my stomach, throat, muscles/bones. I just pray all you ladies realize that an eating isnt worth the time, please get help...recovery is worth it...the consequences are miserable...and no one deserves them. I know its easier said than done to get help, but I encourage you all to do so....it will save your life and save you from the consequences.....I just hate being so discouraged because of my ultimate choice(I do believe that this is a choice at firsthand, when it progress its hard to get out, but ultimately I feel in the beginning we made the choice to starve , etc)

 

[katey]

hey everyone, sorryhavent been around for a little while. theyve not let me out of hospital, or let me have my laptop. not been too good at all. i was doing ok thought i was getting out and then ha da huge relapse (mood and sui thoughts wise) things have imporved a little am still not allowed out of hospital but i have my laptop back.

hope everyones doing ok, will re read over things ive missed as soon as i can concetrate on things a bit longer that what i can at the minute, and when i'm not dosed up on calm me down pills.

to everyone, am thinking of you all xxxxx

 

[Soulwings]

I'm sorry to hear that things are so rubbishy for you, Katey. Hang tough and keep focusing on recovery. I know that you can do it... pray about it too... you can never pray too much!! God cares, He really does, and He wants to see you succeed at getting better.

Sabrina I will be praying for you... EDs are really nothing to play around with, I know, but please try to not regret the past. Try to find ways that you grew because of your ED - sounds weird I know - e.g., for me, I have grown more aware of the "dark" side of life and can help people out more who are struggling with the same thing. Something like that. Look for the good in the bad. Be optimistic. Easier said than done, don't I know it!! But still... work at that.

I am in the middle of a long hypomanic episode... my NP is trying to take me down from my Zoloft (seventy-five mg to fifty) without causing me to fall back into suicidality (now that I gave J my ninety+ mg of Ativan, I can't really commit suicide anyway)... I have been suicidal some but not as much as I was in early June. More just high and reckless-ish... stupid stupid stupid!! I'm regretting some choices I made with money (find the good in the bad, April, good in the bad, be optimistic!! )... so that is difficult. And I am finding that I have to really rely on my meds... sobering... I wonder if I will ever get off them.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Your right April, I should focus on how comming out on the other side of ED has made me. It has made me wiser and more understanding of people with addictions of any kid-I also like to help people and encourage them in recovery. So yes in someways its a good thing, its just the physical deveastation sucks....
Im sorry about the suicidal feelings April, I attempted suicide two times back in two thousand and five-I know those thoughts and feelings-but just know and Im sure you do that suicide will not fix anything-you have soo much to live for. You can rely on your meds but what is more important is relying on God.

 

[Soulwings]

I know that relying on God is important... but meds are still high up there.

I've attempted twice as well... well, kinda. Chickened out both times before I actually did enough to hurt me. But have been hospitalized four times for suicidality and self harm. Bleh.

See - there is a bit of good in the bad. But yes, I can understand if not know firsthand how awful the physical devastation must suck.

I am still a bit hypomanic tonight, calmed down from last night, but I got my meds on time tonight. So that's good. J&I had a good talk about lots of things - what to do when I get hypomanic, what to do when I get depressed, how to cope in this or that situation...

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Its so great you have J as a support

 

[Soulwings]

Yes it is. I am sure you understand what a blessing it is!!

How are you doing today?

I am struggling with getting enough to eat so far this semester (yeah, four days in, I know, I know). It's just that T/Th it's so hard to eat because the only free time I have is ten to eleven fifteen, and that is WAY too early to eat lunch. I do eat, but from eleven thirty to three forty-five I don't have any time to eat anything... so I end up shaky and floaty-feeling. Not good. My parents and J both want me to ask one of my profs if I can eat in class because of my metabolism being what it is. Am a bit nervous about that but I suppose I can do that...

Blech.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Im good, optimistic about things Just trying to be patient with everything while God does all the work here...
My metabolism is weird too, I mean Im soooo happy its working now....but its in overdrive...Im hungry twenty-four/seven! I can exercise for like ten minutes and Im starved? weird!
I do hope you ask your professor if you can eat lunch in class-its not goof for you to miss your meals especially since you have an eating disorder. Maybe before class have a small snack? That should helps with the shaky feelings when you get the slightest bit hungry.

 

[Soulwings]

I actually just ate in class today, and she didn't make a fuss. Thankfully!! I am feeling hungry now but am going to an honors meeting shortly where food will be provided. Used to be an "ick" but now I am looking forward to it, especially since I don't have to adhere so strictly to a mp.

Being optimistic is great! hehe. I struggle with that a lot... bleh.

Metabolisms are very weird indeed. Mine is... well, I don't know what it is anymore. It used to be too fast (when I was "in" my ED), then too slow, but now it is too fast again so I have to eat nearly constantly? Go figure!!

s

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Im sooo happy you ate in class and did well Thats a great accomplishment!!! Your doing so well, even if you dont realize it.
Same here, my metabolism after years of battling ED was sooo slow, where at one point when I was at my lowest weight I couldnt lose anymore even though I wasnt eating. Now its very fast!! Which is nice I guess, just cravings/hunger pangs are there all the time!

 

[Soulwings]

Yeah, metabolisms are really weird things! I have to watch out for cravings, though... can tend to go for more carbs than I should. But other than that, I'm pretty good with food, I guess. Much better than I used to be, that's for sure!! even if not one hundred percent. When I was at my lowest weight, I couldn't lose any more either, even though I still was taking in the same (very low) amount of calories. Annoying! and I kind of wish that I'd gotten treatment then, rather than six or seven months later.

Are you exercising at all now? if so, what do you do? (you don't have to mention amounts, just wondering what type of activities you are into - swimming, running, walking/hiking?) I have to keep exercise low unless I eat more, and while I want to exercise, it's kind of ridiculous because I don't know what I should eat to make up for calories lost during exercise, how much to eat, or when I should eat it, whatever "it" is!! When I think about that, all impetus to exercise much more than I am kind of dissipates.

Anyway. I hope you are doing well! Oh, and how long have you had your ED?

 

[Lady Bug]

Grrrr.

speaking of metabolism - I wonder if mine has taken a nosedive - either that, or I eat too much for the metabolism to be fast enough - that's not out of the question.

with my compulsive eating problem, it seems like my metabolism may have taken a nosedive but my appetite has skyrocketed. Talk about a horrid combo, huh?

I think my appetite problem is worsened by an insufficient balance of the types of things I eat. I eat ample dairy products, proteins, and MORE than my fair share of carbs (I'm a carb addict - can I say, comfort food). But I lack veggies by a lonshot. I'm eating a Subway tonight though and like to pile veggies on it - so I feel good about getting a veggie intake today. I wish I could say the same for every day.

I do some walking everyday - about xx to xx minutes - today I did xx - but I sometimes wonder if I virtually undo all my walking by eating wrecklessly sometimes, you know?

 

[Lady Bug]

today I got a minor trigger *sigh*

sometimes there's picture threads where people are giving their pictures. when I see women in it that are gorgeous - it just hurts - don't get me wrong, at times I have accepted what I look like and become numb to that pain, but today I had a relapse.

why do women have to go through things like this? this really hurts.

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug. I'm so sorry that you're feeling rubbishy tonight I understand what it's like to get triggered seeing "beautiful" women. I say "beautiful" because in a sense, we are all beautiful - all made in the image of God - all beautiful creations. Even in our imperfections, we are beautiful. Not, perhaps, in the eyes of the world - but when you consider that the Creator - the Creator of the universe!! - has seen fit to make us the way we are, how wonderful that thought can be!!

But yes, I do know the feeling. Today's stereotypes are so horrible... every woman should feel beautiful, instead of holding themselves up to standards that are sometimes beyond their reach. I mean, I want to look like a teenage girl. The adolescent girls that are small in all proportions, even height. But that is not feasible for me because I am muscular, average height, and have too big of a build to ever be petite, no matter how much weight I lost. That is what I mean by "standards that are beyond their reach." Yes, we may have healthy standards we want to reach - I know I do! - but sometimes we have to face the fact that we are never going to look like woman X Y or Z because we are simply not built like they are.

Anyway, I really completely confused my grammar there, but oh well.

Hang tough, love. Veggies veggies veggies!!

 

[Lady Bug]

Ladybug. I'm so sorry that you're feeling rubbishy tonight I understand what it's like to get triggered seeing "beautiful" women. I say "beautiful" because in a sense, we are all beautiful - all made in the image of God - all beautiful creations. Even in our imperfections, we are beautiful. Not, perhaps, in the eyes of the world - but when you consider that the Creator - the Creator of the universe!! - has seen fit to make us the way we are, how wonderful that thought can be!!

But yes, I do know the feeling. Today's stereotypes are so horrible... every woman should feel beautiful, instead of holding themselves up to standards that are sometimes beyond their reach. I mean, I want to look like a teenage girl. The adolescent girls that are small in all proportions, even height. But that is not feasible for me because I am muscular, average height, and have too big of a build to ever be petite, no matter how much weight I lost. That is what I mean by "standards that are beyond their reach." Yes, we may have healthy standards we want to reach - I know I do! - but sometimes we have to face the fact that we are never going to look like woman X Y or Z because we are simply not built like they are.

Anyway, I really completely confused my grammar there, but oh well.

Hang tough, love. Veggies veggies veggies!!

I'm sick of the world's standards of beauty too. Although I must admit - there are some parts of the world that have totally different beauty standards than the standards we may have in America. Meaning North America. But that doesn't really help when I live in the wrong country, then, huh?

Have to admit another trigger today *sigh* I get triggers when I hear my father talk to his Muslim friends or relatives - and I ask myself, why the heck did I have to be born into this kind of society - and it's nominal, even, and I still can't stand it. He's like talking to a friend of a friend on how to introduce my older brother to this women who lives in New York - it gets me suicidal. I don't want to end up in this crap at all. Warning: next statement is a trigger: I'd almost rather do something to myself than potentially go through this.

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug. I'm sorry I didn't respond last night, but I wasn't in a much better place. Hang tough, and don't forget to keep praying. God listens and cares.

 

[katey]

for everyone
. hope your all doing ok sorry i've not been around for much help

 

[Lady Bug]

thank you soulwings - right now God doesn't seem like an entity that has emotions - I wish I weren't feeling that way - don't get me wrong - this doesn't make any sense because Jesus had all the emotions in the book.

it's ok katey - sometimes we can't be around 100% lol - nice to see you.

 

[katey]

i'm seriously thinking that the doctors dont want to let me leave this placE!! i hate it, i'm not doing anything and they wont let me go. i'm sat around with nothing to do i need to get out of here. i'm gna end up running if they dont let me out of here soon!!!!!!!!

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Yes, I still exercise....I really dont think recovery would be as smooth sailing if I didnt. It gives me some sense of relief in knowing I have had a balanced day with healthy eating and exercise....I hate sitting around eating and not doing anything..its triggering for me.
I usually do some jumping jacks/squats in the morning before breakfast, then throughout the day I run thrity minutes and do pilates(great for relieving stress ) and every other day or so I lift weights while I walk or while Im watching tv. I really like balance in all this, its so healthy and it clears my mind...I really dont worry about making up for calories lost...I just try and listen to my body and when Im hungry I eat....
Oh and Ive had an ED for eight years. Attempted recovery like 3 times, they all failed of course because I used to rush myself which only lead to relapse...taking is slow and finding balance is key.