Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[LovesTruePassion]

April, Ive been the sunday christian before and still am at times. I dont read the bible everyday and sometimes dont pray everyday, I do want and try to....sometimes like us all I get mixed up in my own feelings and this world and I guess you could say forget about God, but I notice when I forget about him I go downhill because like I said Im too caught up in everything I want and this world wants from me, we have to break free from the selfishness inside and hold onto the Lord even in times when we dont want to or dont have enough time, for the Lord we can and should make time for he is the one who gave us life.
No I didnt know you were in the hospital!!! Im soo glad your okay though and that your making it through....God is giving you many many chances and he loves you so much and cares for you. I know what you mean by one day being stable and the next not...Im like that too....I mean Im stable in general and I dont ever want to go back to anorexia, its just those days where I sorta doubt myself if I can make it....its unstable and I find myself crying in front of the mirror....but in those times when I say 'Lord though I dont like myself right now Im going to eat because its for you, not me.' I love the Lord so much that even in my time of trouble and pain I will still go through healing my body for his glory.
Its great your still seeing a therapist and all, we all need support in our lives and if you get it from them then great, there is nothing wrong with professional help. I think its strong of you to say you need help and stick with it...its weak when you have a problem and do nothing about it.

 

[Soulwings]

Yes, the selfishness inside really gets me sometimes. It gets really hard - for me at least - to sort out what is "acceptable selfishness" (because we are told that we must come first in recovery) and what is not. I hate thinking of myself first, but sometimes - I guess? - we've got to do that. And then there's the greed factor, of wanting more more more... that sickens me to think about. This is why I make sure I deposit more money than I cash. Hehe. Otherwise I am tempted to spend. And God knows that I don't need any more than I've already got.

And pride!! I struggle with self-pride, having to admit that I'm wrong - that is hard!! - but with God's help I can overcome that, I think, as long as I am "diligent" at working against it and all. Do you have problems with pride as well? I thought that since I am so insecure and self-conscious and a people-pleaser, I would not have any arrogant/self pride... but I do! That shocked me and I hate it. Hate hate hate it.

God really is giving me many chances... I am surprised that I made it out of this downswing this time, because I was feeling "invinceable," like I could do anything at all and it wouldn't kill me. Even jumping in front of a semi, or OD'ing, or slitting my wrists - I thought that I would still be just fine. So it wasn't really a death wish... just more bipolar psychoticness I think. Heh.

I am usually pretty stable, but with bipolar - one minute I could be fine, the next I could be suicidal. It's really weird and hard to put up with sometimes - I am getting to accept it now, but it's still hard - and I pity J because he has to put up with me during "that time of the month" as a girl with PMS and a girl with bipolar. Talk about pricklyness and moodswings!

Anyway. That's neither here nor there (wonder where that expression came from?). I am so glad that you don't want to return to AN. Are you still seeing anyone for help - any sort of support group? or are you just hanging in there and recovering on your own with God and your hubby's help?

s to you.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Hey April,
oh boy I struggle with pride too, especially when it comes to admitting Im wrong in a situation-especially when J and I have a little argument-its hard for me to say sorry first. Silly I know, but its something we have to overcome and try hard at.
I know what you mean about feeling invincible, I do at times too. I , for so long, though anorexia wasnt going to kill me. I thought I was the high and mighty one and would come out being the only one that made it through without any complications. I thought I would do anything I wanted to myself, however almost everyone with an ED thinks this...and alot of them die. Its sad how in our minds we think we will be the ones that can control ourselves, when the wrong in that is thinking we have the power...we dont...God does. Im so glad though that your seeing a positive side to all this, its hard to stay positive though in such a negative world, but we have God and he is all that matters when it comes to anything..just staying close to him will get us through.
Im not seeing anyone at the point, I was seeing a therapist a bit after my treatment, but Ive dropped that because Im feeling truly recovered..and Im relying on God as my strength..and J is always a support. How have you been the past couple days?

 

[Soulwings]

I've been doing alright, I guess. My N appt this week wasn't that nice... am retaining water for no known reason... but he is not worried so I suppose I oughtn't be.

I am so glad that you feel like you are truly recovered!! Keep fighting is all that I can say... keep fighting and don't give up. I don't know if you are having a tough time or not (I certainly did for awhile, and while I think my ED is in "remission" right now, I expect it to jump back out of the closet any time I get stressed)... but keep up the good work. I am so glad that you are doing better.

My J has been a true support as well. Yes, we have our altercations, and yes, we have to admit that we are wrong (one or both of us, as the case may be), but we work through them and have made it this far just fine. (Have been engaged for over a year and a half and will be getting married in a month and a half, and have known each other for four years.) He is going to act as the "food police" when we are married, and I for him - he has a tendency to go after easy-to-fix, unhealthy food, while I tend to not eat enough - so we will be good for each other. Hopefully it doesn't turn into a bad thing, though.

Yes, feeling inviceable is not a fun thing... but... you feel so good when you believe that you are!! Hehe. But it's not true. Only God is invinceable and we need to force ourselves to remember that whenever we start feeling as though we can do anything. I am still having trouble with that - passing suicidal thoughts and still feeling like I could take a bottle of benzos and still survive. Blah. I am safe, though, and don't plan on ending back up in the hospital anytime soon.

How are you doing? what's life like for you day-to-day?

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Hey! Hmm I know alot of sodium in your diet can make you retain water, I usually drink a couple of cups of green tea a day to help with that and sucking on peppermint helps just a few natural remedies!
Wow your getting married in a month and a half! Thats soooo awesome-getting nervous? What kind of dress you wearing/your colors? I wish you both the best, its so amazing being married!!!
Ha my J sounds like yours he tends to go and fix easy stuff too, thats why I am the main cook and cook very very healthy-eating healthy in the long run is a wonderful blessing to recovery mentally and physically. What ED do you exactly have?
Life is good here though, day to day Im writing my book(about anorexia/bulimia and my recovery), starting up school(going for medical transcription so I can work from home) and TTC which we are sooo excited about!

 

[Soulwings]

What is TTC?? *dying from curiosity*

I have EDNOS-R. I met all the criteria for anorexia except I didn't lose my periods.

I am a freak about eating healthily. I have to watch my carbs, and I do go after brownies now and again (just made some for my mum's birthday, and we enjoy them together, hehe) and that type of thing... but usually I am pretty well on track with eating lots of vegetables and protein and limited carbs... Right now I am on a limited-exercise regimen (which basically means I need to eat XXX calories after I exercise, so it's not too bad)... but I am hanging in there. So I will be the main cook (although my J is willing to learn how to cook better - no more insanely high caloried frozen pizzas for him!! ), I think... we'll work that out.

I'm actually "eloping" - i.e., having a very quiet ceremony. Seven people counting me and Jarrod and the pastor. Hehe. I am looking forward to being married, definitely... and definitely looking forward to "playing house." Hehe. How long have you been married? and I am so happy to hear that you love it so much! J is getting a bit jittery now that it's come down to crunch time, but we're managing okay. We have most of the furniture that we need, and are shopping for smaller household items this weekend (sheets, a new toilet seat [the one currently in his apt is the squishy kind - ewwie and hard to clean!! ], microwave, curtain rods, and a few other things). Yey! I am feeling Positively Domestic and it is such a weird feeling but one that I don't mind that much.

Yeah, I know that a lot of sodium can cause you to retain water, and I have been having more than I normally do, so that could be it. Blah. My body seems to like to frustrate me!!

s

 

[Arianna]

hi

I'm guessing TTC is 'trying to conceive' - yay! that is really exciting Sabrina! And it is great to hear from you and also great that things are going better for you

April - I'm so excited you are getting married so soon! Is that a recent decision? I knew were getting married but didn't know it was this year! Gad you are enjoying getting ready for it yippee

 

[Soulwings]

Oooh if that's right then it is exciting!

Ari *tackles* I've missed you!! How are you doing??

Yep, we decided in June to get married this year. I am excited about it... nervous/scared/worried too... but we'll see how it goes. I am sure that J&I are meant to be together, and even though he annoys me sometimes ("he's being a BOY!!" ) I love him to pieces... so everything will work out, as long as we have God in the relationship with us.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Haha TTC is trying to conceive Sooo excited about it too. However this month-nothing. Two negatives :-(.
You eat so healthy April, I strive for that too-if I go near junk food it usually ends up in binging and purging session and I want to avoid that at all costs. I try to have that stuff in moderation but its sooo hard because Im used to that food in an out of control way.
Well Im sooo very excited for you and J! Marriage is amazing, I LOVE it. Communication is key though and alot of prayer-together. Its so fun though and so nice to have to have that person by your side at all times through good and bad.-its just comforting. Its so fun planning a future together too! Oh and decorating your house/apartment is fun too, lol! So many things to look forward too. J and I have been married two years this October, and we are going to the mountains for our anniversary Im so excited about it.
Hey Arianna-how are you!!!!?

 

[Soulwings]

J&I are definitely excited about getting married... furniture shopping is fun, hehe! and I feel so Domestic... I mean really, getting excited about buying napkins! But it's so nice... this will be my first time living "on my own" so it's going to be really challenging, taking care of myself as well as taking care of J as well as keeping our marriage healthy! We are getting married in October - when is your anniversary? And yey mountains - where do you live? and what does your J do for a living? (sorry if that's too nosy )

This is turning into a women's discussion thread... but I guess that's okay, because we are talking about ED stuff as well as marriage stuff and God stuff.

What happened to the Coffee Shop thread? it got awfully quiet there... *histrionic sniff*

My fifth year of college is starting on Monday... I will finally be a senior, although I won't be graduating until twenty ten, if all goes well. (Yes, you read that right. "If all goes well." With my ED and SI and suicidality stuff, I have had to take parttime semesters, so that is why I am behind.) I am nervous, though... balancing recovery, a permanent relationship (and then marriage), and a fulltime uni term with difficult classes (at least, I think they will be difficult...)... that's going to be challenging. But I think I will be okay... I hope so!

s to all.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

This is turning into womens discussion, lol...but its okay. We are getting to know each other and showing support..nothing wrong with that.
When I got married it was my first time living on my own too, not as scary as you think because you will have someone there with you and supporting you. It all seems overwhelming but once its done its not a big deal, I actually like it better than living with my parents-tooo much drama there!
Our anniversary is October twnety first what day in october are you getting married?
We live in northern Kentucky, you? J is a diseal mechanic(he works on engines on boats-really good job and his company is very laid back)
Wow five yrs into college!But I see you said you take parttime, so that makes sense. what are you studying? I hope it all pulls through and Ill be praying for you!!!

 

[Soulwings]

I actually only took three parttime semesters... so five years is still a long time. I'm a psych major with a minor in nutrition... goal is to eventually work at an ED facility as a therapist. Eventually. Don't know how long down the road that will be... don't know if I will ever get there... don't even know if I'm always going to want to do that. But it would be pretty nifty if I could, as long as I wouldn't lapse myself. That is a pretty big if... heh.

We'll be getting married on eleventh October, so only ten days before you celebrate your second anniversay! Cool. We live in Pennsylvania (J moved from Minnesota to here last August), and will be living in this area for awhile (hopefully). It will be nice to be out on my own with J versus living with my parents... I love my parents, don't get me wrong, and there is nothing wrong with my relationship with them, but I am excited to be moving on with my life. J works at building (huge) compressors, at a very good company. He has really good benefits which is fantastic, considering that I need therapy still and DEFINITELY need meds, to manage bipolar and anxiety. Otherwise I would be an even worse nutcase.

 

[Lady Bug]

Hi guys

It looks like you are having a nice time with your married lives or prospective married lives...

This is a triggering subject for me however - maybe I should leave this thread until it changes to the topic of eating disorders again

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Wow April, thats what Ive always wanted to do, work at an ED clinic-however I dont think Ill ever get there since we want a baby soon....but dont know how soon a baby will come? O well

Im sooo sorry ladybug, I had no idea this was triggering :-(.

 

[texannurse]

Hi all!

April - how the heck are you?? Glad to hear all is going well for you!

How are things SI/ED wise? THings here are pretty rough again.

LovesTruePassion - I don't know if we have ever met. How are you?
Same with you Ladybug! How are you??
TN

 

[Lady Bug]

Wow April, thats what Ive always wanted to do, work at an ED clinic-however I dont think Ill ever get there since we want a baby soon....but dont know how soon a baby will come? O well

Im sooo sorry ladybug, I had no idea this was triggering :-(.

it's alright LoveTrue Passion - unfortunately it can be triggering - I just hope it doesn't look like I'm trying to "rule" what people post or anything - I wish it didn't trigger me - I won't do anything to hurt myself though I am very certain.

Hi all!

April - how the heck are you?? Glad to hear all is going well for you!

How are things SI/ED wise? THings here are pretty rough again.

LovesTruePassion - I don't know if we have ever met. How are you?
Same with you Ladybug! How are you??
TN

I'm a little irritable this morning lol. the scale says my weight isn't as high as yesterday - I hope that the scale is NOT making a mistake. anyway - I'm simply irritable because whenever I wake up - I am irritable and don't like to speak (verbally) with anyone lol. trying to hang in there. they said it'd rain today - so far it's sunny. rain will calm me down a bit, I am certain.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

TexasNurse, Ive seen you around a while back-I have been MIA for a while..I used to be Lovesenduringpromise. How are you?
I understand ladybug! Im praying for you sweetie I love the rain too, it is always a soother for me....I hope your feeling better though and dont worry about the scale-its just a silly number-it doesnt define who you are or your beauty!

 

[Lady Bug]

TexasNurse, Ive seen you around a while back-I have been MIA for a while..I used to be Lovesenduringpromise. How are you?
I understand ladybug! Im praying for you sweetie I love the rain too, it is always a soother for me....I hope your feeling better though and dont worry about the scale-its just a silly number-it doesnt define who you are or your beauty!

thank you for your prayersit hasn't rained yet today as the weatherfolks had speculated lol - but one of these days - it is going to come.

the scale issue is something I wish I could get out of my head lol - but as long as I feel I'm looking a little better - then the number of the scale starts to mean less.

 

[texannurse]

LovesTruePassion (can i just say LTP?) it is good to be back. Things are ok. Nothing spectacular - just trying to decide if i want to go back to therapy. I've been in it for a long time and am just tired of it. oh well.

Ladybug - i hope you feel better today

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug, sorry about the triggery'ness of our posting. Didn't mean to hurt you in any way. I'm glad that you managed to stay safe.

I hate the scale!! I have been having "issues" with it lately... retaining water, or so my N says. Blah. I'm losing weight overall... and I should be happy because I have lost a bit since last year at this time (dratted lithium - so glad I am off it!!)... but there's that "never enough" thing going on with me right now. With everyone, I suppose, right?

Tn, how are you doing? what's going roughly? and yes, I will reply to your message soon.

Sabrina, how're things on your end?

s