Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Celtic Camel]

don't know if i can fight it tonight.... just so lonely and the 'voices' so loud...

 

[katey]

hows everyone doing today huge hugs to you all

i'm just waiting for doc to turn up, am of one-to=one level now but on 10min checks n food n drink are being monitored ive tried to eat i tried yesterdaybut really felt awful afterwards n left me feeling really pants n then all the sui thoughts came back n i had a huge panic attack because i couldnt do n e thing. so its not looking to good right now i dont want the tube again

 

[Soulwings]

Keep hanging in there, Katey. Focus on recovery, focus on what you want out of your stay in hos. Make lists of why you want to get better, make lists of what you can do to get there, and journal if you can. Journalling really helps me, not sure about you, but it's a good way to get things out if you don't have anyone to talk with.

Lisa, hang tough too. I saw that you were in the cb this morning (night for you?) but was twenty minutes too late to chat with you. Bummer. I would've loved to talk with you! Oh well, maybe another time...

I am doing okay. Saw my N today, still losing weight like I am supposed to. I am recovering!! It's never going to be completely gone, but I am learning to eat right portions and when I need to eat, and to eat after exercise, and to limit exercise... losing weight really makes me happy and makes it a lot easier to handle the food and exercise part of recovery.

SI on the other hand... struggling with that. But at least anxiety is down some, now that I am really dosed up on Neurontin and Klonopin.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Thanks for the welcome guys!! Actually today isnt such a great day. Im a bit depressed, I went to my brothers bday party yesterday and my sister(whom I havent seen in a month or so) saw me and said "gosh your butt has gotten bigger!" Its really really hurt me....I feel gross. I thought I was doing well, I mean I am..its just when someone says something like that, especially someone you love you think it to be true. And I was doing great and something like this comes along and triggers me and hurts me. Im trying really hard to push it outta my head, but everytime someone comments about my body I go nuts! Ijust hate it, you can say anything about my personality and stuff, but when someone says I look healthier or bigger...its just creates a fire in me...and she hurt me...and when someone hurts me I dont know any other way to show them except restrict and starve...just to show them that I can lose weight. Ugh...

 

[Celtic Camel]

not much to say... yet again just trying to distract myself from doing something foolish... there's been nothing to trigger me, and yet the desire to SI is so strong ... ...
Katey - like April has said, focus on the recovery... my T keeps asking me what life could look like without the ED, (which I seriously don't know what it might be like) but it gives space for hope & dreams of something better to enter the darkness, and they can give motivation to get through that next moment or next hard decision (does that make any sense?)

April - so happy that the eating/exercise/weight side of things is improving! yay!!! praying for you that the SI stuff backs off too - could I suggest you trust some of the great encouragement & advice you give out to us & accept it for yourself too? You are so precious & deserve to be nice to yourself. Oh, and Jarrod sounds too good to be true! lol.

Sabrina - our families often have no idea how their words can throw us off track. Even well meaning comments or something they see as positive can get easily misinterpreted by our warped thought filters. Keep reminding yourself of the truth, and keep fighting for your life & health & happiness.

Ok, it's nearly time I went to bed and have to clean the house and have something to eat first... so should go...
Love you guys!!!
xoxox

 

[Soulwings]

Sabrina I'm sorry that you got hit so hard with a trigger but remember... you are on your way to getting healthy. And healthy does NOT equal fat. You are recovering, and that is the most important thing. Yes, people will say things that hurt, but you know that you are doing the right thing, and focus on that. I hope what I said makes sense... :o

Lisa, I hope you are getting some good rest... keep fighting, I know you can make it through successfully! I understand the SI urge being so strong without any triggers... I pray that you will stay strong and focus on God. He will bring you through this... remember, you are going through fire to be purified and become the daughter He longs for. Beauty from pain, beauty from ashes. You will pull through.

Yes, Jarrod does sound too good to be true! He is a wonderful man and I am so blessed to have him as my fiancé... I need to get in the habit of thanking God for him every day, because he is such a huge blessing in my life... he's helped me pull through a lot of things that my parents or friends couldn't, because he understands depression/suicidality and has been there before, and is also willing to learn about EDs and bipolar.

I am doing okay this morning. Really weary. I had exhausting dreams last night - there are themes of feelings to my dreams - all negative. Usually anger, tension, tears, and fear. Makes sleeping not such an enjoyable thing...

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Hey guys, thanks Im feeling quite motivated today though. I suggest all of you watch THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJQa74Ybzf4
Amazing video, made me cry and motivated me to start getting more positive and lifting my negative feelings over to God instead of dwelling on them. I KNOW Im not big, and what my sister meant was I look healthier, I know she didnt mean to hurt me...but the words were a bit off. I dont have to give over my control to anorexia any more.....neither do any of you guys!

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Im praying for you guys, we can get through this. We can push past this cycle. I just know it, fight girls!

 

[JesusFreak2008]

Well this is a new thread to me, as far as Eating Disorders go, I am a survivor of Bulimia. I am doing good, but the temptations always are there as far as that goes. I've had a lot of SI going on lately, sometimes stress is too much for me, and the more I do it, the more it seems like I need to do it..to ease the pain..I dont know..

 

[Soulwings]

Welcome to the thread, A-M. I hope it's as helpful to you as it has been for me.

Sabrina, I'm so glad to hear that you are working on not taking what your sister said the wrong way. Keep up the good work... you are doing amazingly and that is what matters!!

How is everyone doing today?

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Thanks April, its just hard to fight everything off. There is soo many triggers in this world, and my mind is filled to the full enough already!!
Welcome JesusFreak, Im sorry your joining this thread though...I hate to see another in the path of destruction. However I want to offer support and say there is hope. Im proof of that because Im making my way out of years of anorexia/bulimia/SI and other forms injury to myself. *hugs* Feel free to vent and ask for support anytime

 

[Soulwings]

I know it's hard to fight everything off... but you can do it. You've come so far already. I remember where you were last fall, and I am so proud of you for coming this far.

I am struggling right now. Ups and downs today, really not feeling great right now. Dratted ultra-rapid bipolar cycling.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Sorry for how your feeling April, Im praying for you. I know you can get through this mess and fight those voices in your head. They are all lies and you can find true happiness, just trust in the Lord to provide and pray hard he will certainly bless you!

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Sorry for how your feeling April, Im praying for you. I know you can get through this mess and fight those voices in your head. They are all lies and you can find true happiness, just trust in the Lord to provide and pray hard he will certainly bless you!

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks for the prayers, love. I know I'll get through this... and I have been praying and seeking God more than I have in the past few months (although honestly that's not saying much )... it's hard though, as I am sure you understand!!

 

[LovesTruePassion]

I do understand, fully and completely! In these times though we need the Lord, well not just in these times-in good too, but you know what I mean. Leaning on him and not just on your own two feet can bring happiness and healing into your life. I know from first hand experience. God has his best interest at heart for you, he will and can deliver you if you truly and honestly believe that in your heart. Your a beautiful girl, and it saddens me you cannot see that...though I know the constant pain of looking at oneself in the mirror and seeing something remotely disgusting, however its all a lie and your looking through a distorted filter.....but what I see is someone beautiful and in need of God to heal her....we all need the Lord and without him we will not get through.

 

[Soulwings]

Amen!! We do need God, and I am learning this anew now... Jarrod and I have been through some rocky times, and are clinging yet closer to God than we were in the past. And because of this, I think we are growing as a couple.

I am actually beginning to be able to look in the mirror and see my good points. Yes, I do have bad days, when I look like a whale/cow/elephant, but... I am getting better. I am recovering. After three years of hell, I am getting there. My ED is pretty much under control now... hallelujah!! I still dislike myself heartily, but I am getting better... getting better... yes!

It's a hard battle, though, to recognise good points without feeling/being arrogant. I don't want to be arrogant, really really don't... and I can see myself getting that way, cocky etc., and I really want to avoid that. So I am scared to compliment myself on my hair/eyes/etc. It's rough.

Anyway. Thank you, Sabrina. How are you managing now?

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Im so happy to hear that you are getting closer to God along with Jarrod! Without God we are doomed and our relationships in life wont work in the long run. Its so great your comming close together, you will definetly be blessed because of that. It took me forever to turn around and give my life to God, but my husband sticks right with me with prayer and bible study and it has made us strong..its hard to let go and Let God and to give up control and power all to him.
Its also great you can see some good things about yourself when you look in the mirror, it all takes time. It took me a while, but since I went to out patient and have come closer to God and gotten support from my husband and others Ive done so much better, its a long hard road but you can make it through any obstacle and there is hope at the end of this....and it can only be obtained if you try and work towards it. There are always going to be up and down days with yourself but whats normal and healthy is getting to the place were you can accept yourself and laugh off those tough moments and I know you have Jarrod for that and support in him, which is great! We all need that!!
There is nothing in the world wrong with complimenting yourself, and you cant just do it once or twice to get those negative voices out, eveytime you look in the mirror-good or bad day- tell yourself your beautiful and worthy...I have to do this or it will turn into a nightmare of a day. You are Gods creation and loving and complimenting what he gave you isnt bad at all, not unless it gets to the point where you are full of yourself, but positive affirmation is great and you cant really truly love someone else if you dont love yourself!!
Your so welcome babe, and anytime you need me Im here.
Me, Im doing well thanks. Recovery feels great though like you I have my up and down days, but we arent perfect and this journey will last a life time Im sure but Im learning so much along the way. Learning that I dont have to be a size zero or double zero to be beautiful, beauty is on the inside and when you have that your beautiful on the outside. I can finally see myself in the mirror and the ugly monster that was anorexia isnt so much there anymore....sure clothes shopping is still a stress but I can get through it now in healthy ways not taking it out on myself. I have alot of support too in myhusband and a support forum on thedailyplate, which I love and helps me keep track of my calories to make sure Im staying in a healthy range. Anyways thanks for the concern love

 

[Soulwings]

Yes yes yes!! Without God, we are doomed... as gloomy and horrible as that may sound, it is indeed true. I am learning this - finally, right? It is so encouraging to know that He will richly bless me/us for striving to follow His ways, whether in this life or the next. The problem is... I keep slacking and having a hard time keeping up with things I know I should be doing. Like praying. Like reading the Bible. I don't want to be a "Sunday Christian" - really really don't!! - yet that is what I am afraid I am turning into. I think about God during the week, I pray frequently and prayer journal sometimes (i.e., less often than I ought), yet... still the feeling lingers.

I am so glad, Sabrina, that you have support from your husband!! And I am also so glad that you have sought out professional help, even on a temporary basis. I am still seeing a therapist and nutritionist (and a NP for med regulation/switches), but if you are doing well without them - fantastic!! I need people to help me keep on track, because when I think I am stable - guess what?! - I am far from it. I was recently hospitalized for suicidality (not sure if you caught up with posts or anything), a month and a half ago, for ten days, and now I think I am stable? Haha.

Clothes shopping isn't a stress for me anymore, really - I know what size I am and that hasn't changed throughout my ED, believe it or not. Sure, clothes get looser and tighter, but as I am losing weight, my size will probably be going down somewhat - hopefully the clothes I have won't be too big, though, because it would be rather expensive getting myself a whole new wardrobe, especially since I am going to be married this year and downgrading to a lower income level (we won't be poor by any means, but we will have to watch money so it won't be a source of contention between us).

Anyway, enough about me. I love being able to talk with someone about God!

Okay, long enough post and I think it's time for me to go to bed!!

 

[Lady Bug]

I am still not behaving as far as addressing people individually - and I want to learn to do this better - I just want to let you know that I think about this thread everyday and the support you all give one another - I don't have any real updates at this time - well, maybe I do but I'm too tired to talk about them Hope to come back here again and discuss more.