Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[katey]

i really hate this place so much. the staff kno me so well, i kno who i can talk to so in a way thats ok. but they know how i am when i'm thinking of doing something, wen i'm feeling ok and when i'm not. theyve put me back on fifteen m,inute observation because i'm still a 'high risk' to myself, even though i'm in hsoital. theyve taken loads of stuff of me, and am only allowed this for so long now. i've not moved from my bed most of the day (other than wen i tried some dinner) the wards so busy i really really dont like it at all. theres soem people in whove been in when i've been in before. i hate the 'trapped' feeling, and the fact cant do anything. i dont like ebing constantly watched and followed all the time its driving me crazy.


sorry my little rant there, theres just so much going on on the ward want to dissapear for a while.

hope evryoens doing ok. i'll try and pop back in later xx

 

[Lady Bug]

Katey. I hope that you manage to eat something soon... you know it's not good for your body... and I won't hammer you with it bc I know that that won't help. But do your best, that's the only thing you can do.

Ladybug. Why is it hard to see weddings/newlyweds/etc.?

I don't know why it was an icky evening, it just was. I'm blaming the Zoloft. SSRIs are poison for me - Prozac landed me in hos the first time, in winter oh five, and then Lexapro landed me in hos twice in May oh six. Ugh!!

thanks April,
i just cant faace it, i tred today they got me a really small portion and i just couldnt do it. i've managed to drink a little bit, and theyve put me back on ensures(i hate them so much) so gna b having them all the time, well theyl be giving them me wether they get drunk or not is another thing.

i so kno that feeling with that type of medication, been on so mnay of them, theyr horrible. did you discuss it thorugh with ur T n stuff. did they give you any suggestions on how to manage it??? my meds are getting change on monday.


Ladybug sorry its hard for you to see those scenarios maybe if you know why they trigger you could work at it a little bit.

Ok, I am gonna give the short version of why it triggers me. I'm extremely lonely for a relationship, being that I'm 28 years old now. I still live with my parents because I can't get a good enough job that will enable me to move out. Given that my father is not Christian (my mom has dementia so I can't have a regular conversation with her) and that he and I always used to have arguments (my mom took his side) about me not being allowed to marry anyone else other than a Muslim and how I can't have a white wedding dress and a wedding in a Church and all...the memory of those fights stayed with me.

I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to date a Christian guy if I can't have my own place...(I have never really asked my dad for some time if his opinions have changed...because if they haven't, I don't want to cry or fight again about it...I wonder though that if he really wanted me to get married to a Muslim guy he would have probably already started finding someone for me to be introduced to but I won't hold my breath about that)...I don't know how to pursue opportunities to meet people if I have to lie to my dad about where I'm going. I long for the day when I can pick out a wedding dress and get premarital counseling and everything...it means the world to me...I guess it's a girly thing to want to imagine how you want your wedding and what you want to wear...I just want to be able to do these things while I'm rather young enough to do these things...

that's essentially why seeing these things triggers me bigtime.

anyway I'm typing all this really fast and stuff...there may be "holes" in what I said but I'm trying the best I can about explaining this.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*hugs* for everyone... im finished exams and am packing to go home... unfortunately ive fallen sick... i started feeling sick in my last exam (had to leave twice to throw up) and now i have the flu... which is annoying...

im praying for you all...

 

[Soulwings]

Katey, I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now. I'm glad that you tried some dinner though - did you manage to eat much? And Ensures, haha, I had to smile when I read that. I used to drink them all of the time... Ensure Pluses too - talk about filling. But they are what you need right now and if you can drink fluids better than eat solids, they are fantastic. Please try and take care of yourself. I'm glad that the staff there know what to expect of you so they can watch you more closely... I think that they know what they are doing and that that is what you need right now. (Hope that didn't sound too harsh!)

Ladybug I'm sorry to hear about that... I understand the desire to plan a wedding and everything, but (I don't know if this will help) it is all a huge stressful headache for just one day. For some people, I suppose it would be worth it, and you may be that type of person, so I hope that you do get a chance to get married like you want to. You are twenty-eight (right? number filter so I am guessing by your sn), and that's not old... it takes a long time for some people to find their soulmates. I wish I could help you not be triggered by it... bc I can appreciate why it would be so upsetting. Sounds like your family can be quite strict. Loving, but strict. Hopefully you will be able to move out eventually, get a job that you love, and find a man good for you. Don't stop dreaming and hoping for it. Just do your best to not let it become an obsession (sorry, am just reading a story by a psychotherapist about a woman obsessed with love etc. so much that she lost the meaning of love).

Bec, I'm glad that you've finished exams. How'd they go? and I hope that you feel better soon. Have you been keeping up with fluids since you are throwing up? Hang in there and keep us updated... I hope hols go well for you.

 

[Arianna]

Hi everyone,

Nice to meet you Ladybug

Katey, I'm sorry things are so hard. I'm sorry you've had to go into hospital when you didn't want to but I'm really glad your somewhere safe now and hope you can start feeling better there.

Hope you can pop back in soon to lt us know how you are getting on.

Bec - I'm glad your exams are over, and I hope you feel better soon. Try to get some rest

April -I'm sorry you're struggling so much with SI at the moment pm me if you want to talk (I'm not doing great at replying to things at the moment, but I will certainly try!) Does anyone know how much you've been struggling lately (T, doc, J'r'd etc?) Sorry, you might have already said and I missed it. I'm just wondering if you've talked to anyone about this.

 

[Soulwings]

Ari I have talked with people about it (T and Jarrod) but not many other than that except for online (I'm not sure that counts, though). I may take up the offer to PM you - I miss talking with you - how're things going? wicked busy? is it summer for you yet?

 

[katey]

I didnt eat that much of it, and i was a bit naughty today so now i have to be watched at meal times my own silly fault i kno. i'm still on fifteen minute checks because my moods been all over the place and my thoughts have been really really strong today. i tried to run twice when soemone was going of the ward.
yeah i've had ensures before i really dont like them, but theyr being nice to me and have got the flavours i do like. ive had the ensure plus to.

Aprilit didnt sound too harsh

Ari good to see you hope your ok xx

to everyone else hope your all ok

 

[Soulwings]

I'm sorry that things are so rough, Katey, but you are safer in there, can't you see that? And the better you cooperate with them, the faster you will be able to stand on your own two feet again, be stable, get healthier, and leave. Please try to take care of yourself, beautiful.

It's a rubbish night here. I SI'd - in my parents' house - breaking a rule they set down - so if they find out, I am in BIG trouble. I feel such shyte about it now, but I am upset enough that I needed it. My NP said to up the Zoloft (double the dose) and I am scared bc Prozac and Lexapro both landed me in hos (my T reminded me of that at my appt on Friday) and I don't want to go there again. Why does it seem that so much of my summer is spent trying to stay out of hos??

 

[Arianna]

April, Katey

I'm sorry things are so hard, Katey - I'm glad they are looking after you

I miss talking to you too April. Make sure you take care of yourself :-( Is there someone you can call to talk to tonight?

Summer starts for me in another couple of weeks - so things are v busy until then. I'm so tired, I can't wait to finish!

I'm..ok... done some things I shouldn't have... being pretty stupid...

 

[Soulwings]

Aww Ari. I wish I could help you more than I can. If I can do anything more, please let me know? And you aren't being stupid... you are struggling. There's nothing stupid in that. I think we've all done things that we shouldn't have... are you going to be okay?

I was thinking about calling Jarrod... but... I don't know. I don't want him to freak out. And I don't really have anyone else close enough for me to call like that. I mean, close enough for me to call up and say "Eeee I screwed up!!!!! help!!" bc there is no one that understands this in real life other than my T and a friend to whom I've not spoken in a few weeks (not bc of any problem, just bc of being busy). Blah. Even J wouldn't be able to help me much. Just listen.

 

[MyaShane]

Even J wouldn't be able to help me much. Just listen.

Even listening is helping!

 

[Lady Bug]

I had a trigger again tonight (mental trigger)

Hope someone sees this tomorrow morning.

Sometimes when I read accounts of pregnant women saying how much they enjoy having a little life inside them it makes my eyes water really bad...this just happened and I got a "trigger." I want it to end...no one is online whom I can tell this to...I want this feeling to subside...PLEASE...

 

[Soulwings]

Oh Ladybug I think you've probably heard over and over again that death isn't the answer, but I'm going to reiterate that. (Death isn't the answer. ) No matter how bad things are now, you don't need to die. Things will get better. You just have to wait, and seek, and pray. Easy for me to say, huh? and definitely harder to do. I hate it when you or any one of us are struggling so... I feel so helpless.

I don't have many words right now, but know that I'm thinking of and praying for you. Hang tough and find some distractions for when you are feeling SUI.

 

[Soulwings]

*bump*

Shouldn't this thread be splitting soon?

 

[Lady Bug]

Oh Ladybug I think you've probably heard over and over again that death isn't the answer, but I'm going to reiterate that. (Death isn't the answer. ) No matter how bad things are now, you don't need to die. Things will get better. You just have to wait, and seek, and pray. Easy for me to say, huh? and definitely harder to do. I hate it when you or any one of us are struggling so... I feel so helpless.

I don't have many words right now, but know that I'm thinking of and praying for you. Hang tough and find some distractions for when you are feeling SUI.

thank you Soulwings, I am a bit fragile right now, so I'm trying to avoid situations that will give me SUI. Sometimes the situations come up against my will but I want to avoid it otherwise.

 

[Celtic Camel]

*bump*

Shouldn't this thread be splitting soon?

so i thought...
tonight's not good... i'll leave it at that...

praying for everyone...

 

[MyaShane]

*bump*

Shouldn't this thread be splitting soon?

Yeah, right. I hadn't noticed that we're that high on post counts. What gives?

 

[MyaShane]

so i thought...
tonight's not good... i'll leave it at that...

praying for everyone...

Praying for you lots Lisa!!

 

[Soulwings]

Lisa. Things are going to be okay. Keep telling yourself that... because they will. It just takes time. (I know that I sound so freaking trite right now, but what I say is what I believe.) What's going on that's so ick? Thinking of and praying for you, and everyone else in here.

Kerin. How are you doing?

Ladybug. I'm glad that you're endeavoring to avoid SUI situations... it really sucks that they come up anyway. Keep hanging in there, and keep posting... we're listening!!

...

I'm a bit "ehh" right now. It's been a rough past few days. I have to quit SI for Jarrod, but I don't know if I can handle that without wanting to do it for myself. I've never quit it since I started - stopped cutting for a year and a half, but kept SI'ing on and off - so it's been four years of SI. And now I have to cut it out of my life altogether, or else it could harm our marriage.

I've been trying to come up with distractions, and I found pretty effective one, but am looking for more. Any suggestions?

Love you guys. Wish I could do more to help. :-(

 

[MyaShane]

I'm doing pretty well. I'm halfway through summer classes already and I can't believe how fast it's gone! I'm really glad it's gone so quickly, but it's kept me so busy, busier than I want to be really! Work is still sssoooooo slow and we're hearing rumors of more layoffs scheduled for next week - oh PLEASE let it be me so I can get a nice severence and spend the summer with my girls!!

Bec, are you recovering from being sick?

Katey - still praying and hope to hear from you soon!

Are you having better night April?

Hugs all around!