Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! poss. trig (5)

katey · May 10, 2010

just come to say hi. hope everyones doing ok.

i feel like all i do every time come here is moan and rant, so wont go of one one today. just wanted to show my face (ok not literally but hey)

katey · May 14, 2010

Hope everyones ok.

Im not having a very good night tonight but then agai its not been a very good day either. i got sectioned today not too happy about it, i knew it was coming because i was put on a seventytwo hour section on tuesday and was to be reviewed today. and i just knew what was coming. I got NG tube bk in on tuesday and theyre keeping it in until at least monday. heads a bit all over at the minute. and theres no staff on i can talk to tonight sorry just struggling a little bit.

bleurgh i wont go into too much, mainly because half of it makes no sense in my head right now.

thinking of you all

dinonum · May 18, 2010

<3 katey. i hope that you do alright tonight! sorry things are so rough.

my update:
slipped and hard. b/p becoming more and more regular, as went from none to daily and now i'm to multiple times a day. definitely not good. i'm considering finding someone to talk to. i just have no $$ and no insurance, so i'm not in a good place. a friend of mine is encouraging me to get in control of the binging to help resist the urge of purging in the first place. we are doing it together. i hope it works. i don't like this feeling. i'm not the same person i was even four months ago and i'm just not okay iwth it.

katey · May 18, 2010

dinonum, im sorry to hear things arent too well for you right now. its good to have a friend whose there to help you thorugh times like this and be a support. Maybe talking to someone will also be a help, maybe see if there is any way of getting around it, even just for a bit of general advice. keep trying though, dont give up. I know its hard, its very hard and i understand the not being ok with how your feeling and wanting to change that feeling is always a good thing to want to do, and having that want is a good start.
I'm rambling now so will stop. But im thinking of you.

Im hopefully getting the tube out tomorrow, things arent too great, im seeming to need PRN meds all the time at the minute because i just seem to be all over the place. I dont like not having the 'feeling' of being in control. im trying to use the support here and talk to the staff but its so hard to open up to them knowing that everything i say gets noted down and gone through with a fine tooth comb (or thats how it feels.) its like i cant be fully honest with them because if i am theyl panic or put me on levels n stuff n i dont want all that. i just want to be able to talk it through. sometimes thats all i need eurgh i dont know what im ment to do n e more.

hope everyones doing ok xxx

Criada · May 18, 2010

((((Dinonum))))
I'm sorry it's so hard. Hope that the support of your friend will help you to get back in control of things sweetie.
Have you considered asking at a local church whether they have any counseling services... often pastors can put you in touch with someone who will do free counseling.
Praying things get better soon, sweetie

Criada · May 18, 2010

katey said:
Im hopefully getting the tube out tomorrow, things arent too great, im seeming to need PRN meds all the time at the minute because i just seem to be all over the place. I dont like not having the 'feeling' of being in control. im trying to use the support here and talk to the staff but its so hard to open up to them knowing that everything i say gets noted down and gone through with a fine tooth comb (or thats how it feels.) its like i cant be fully honest with them because if i am theyl panic or put me on levels n stuff n i dont want all that. i just want to be able to talk it through. sometimes thats all i need eurgh i dont know what im ment to do n e more.

hope everyones doing ok xxx

Katey, sweetie, I am so sorry... I wish I could find words to make you feel better, but I know it's not that easy I'm here and listening whenever you want to talk, or vent sweetie.
I hope you can find a staff member you feel you can trust.. I know it's very hard when you feel that anything you say will be written down and discussed and analysed
Hang in there, sweetie, one day at a time, k? Love you

katey · May 18, 2010

Thankyou just listening helps. theres not much anyone can do at the minute, just feel in a really dark hole. i iwsh it was that easy though i dont know if im just trying to fight too much at once, but its like i cant just tackle one thing because it has effects on everything else. and trying to explain it to docs n stuff i just sound even more crazy than i feel. or i sound like im trying to make excuses and i dont want to come across like that. theres just so much racing thorugh my head at the minute its hard to try get one thing out let alone make any sense of it all.
I'm awake worrying about what happens when they take this tube out tomorrow (or whenever it comes out) i hate it being in, but then at the same time its the lesser of two evils. i know that makes no sense but its like while its in im not constantly being badgered about having to eat something, theyr not going on about it all the time. but i dont like it, its horrible and makes me feel physiclaly horrible. but then thinking baout eating something send my head into overdrive!!!!!! i cant deal with the voices, flashabcks and memories that come with it all. theyre bad enough on there own withough adding petrol to the fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry im moaning again. im just not having a good night ( nothing unusual there) i think its more take an hour at time at the minute, i'll work back up to taking a day at a time.

How you doing sarah? xx

Lady Bug · May 19, 2010

not doing ok, dad scoffed me very bad for my weight today, and no matter whether he tells me something in good faith, I often wonder if he feels like I'm a failure because I'm 50 pounds overweight. he is trying to tell me that I have to stop all desserts period. I don't think that's possible. When that happens my body reacts by eating more at supper to compensate. He won't listen to me that my body doesn't lose weight like it used to. He seems to only think that it's a matter of eating less, just like everyone else. I don't lose weight anymore. When I get hungry I get a big headache. I do have too many carbs, and I think that is a culprit, but carbs help me feel satisfied. It's a really horrible situation. I walk 35-45 minutes a day but it doesn't work.

in my heart I want to lose weight but I feel like I have to starve myself and feel like I'm puking in order to lose only 5 pounds. No joke. the body simply does not metabolize anymore - it just won't. I hope that by some miracle my body starts losing some weight but I've been waiting for about a year and a half and it just stays put.

katey · May 20, 2010

Lady Bug, hun im sorry things arent so good right now. i wish i knew what to say that would help i really do. but please just know im thinking of you loads xx

how you doing sarah and dinonum

Criada · May 20, 2010

(((((Ladybug))))))

((((Katey)))) How are things today, sweetie? Did they take the tube out? Hope it wasn't too horrid sweetie

I'm ok... very tired and dissociating a lot, but.. i'm getting by

Lady Bug · May 20, 2010

katey said:
Lady Bug, hun im sorry things arent so good right now. i wish i knew what to say that would help i really do. but please just know im thinking of you loads xx

how you doing sarah and dinonum

Criada said:
(((((Ladybug))))))

((((Katey)))) How are things today, sweetie? Did they take the tube out? Hope it wasn't too horrid sweetie

I'm ok... very tired and dissociating a lot, but.. i'm getting by

thanks guys (((hugs)))

I wish I could go to the doctor but I can't afford it.

Lily76_ · May 20, 2010

I am feeling like i shouldn't eat at all at the moment because am so fat i ate to much today i feel like a fat pig
disgusting

katey · May 20, 2010

no ive still got tube. I suppose it was good thing that i managed to talk to them and tell them how was feeling baout it all. but theyre saying because im still not managing food and hardly liquids. they still need to keep tube in (and have that control though they didnt say that) but slowly reduce it so i can try manageable amounts but that they know that my body is getting something put into it. im still not sure how im feeling about it all though heads just mashed at the minute. and being heres really triggering at the minute. had a bit of a blow with one of other girls earlier and just lost it completly. but thats how i am at the minute all over the place, voices and urges are so bad and moods all over the place ::

hope you manage to get some rest hun. dissaciating is horrible how are new meds doing? xxx

katey · May 20, 2010

AtomicsAsylum, i dont think ive met you before, so hello. like i said to lady bug im not very good on the positive advice thing at the minute, please though dont stop eating. try find 'safe foods' its not easy at all i know.

Lady bug your welcome hun. is there n e where you can go for advice that you can trust? thinking about it is the start hunx

Criada · May 20, 2010

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry it's so hard.. you have such a lot to cope with. You are incredibly strong, you will get back to a place where you can enjoy 'normal' life (whatever normal is )
I am praying for you.

Lily76_ · May 20, 2010

Hi Katey i will try safe foods thanks

katey · May 20, 2010

Im not strong, id have fought this by now in all honesty i dont have a clue how im still here. i know that sounds morbid, sorry, but i dont. i tend to look at it, if im getting it all to cope with least someones not having to deal with it. (if that makes sense. ) bleurgh am rambling now. im so tired.

thankyou hunxx

Criada · May 20, 2010

AtomicsAsylum said:
I am feeling like i shouldn't eat at all at the moment because am so fat i ate to much today i feel like a fat pig
disgusting

(((((((hug)))))))
It's hard when you feel that way... but try to remember how God sees you, sweetie.

katey · May 20, 2010

AtomicsAsylum said:
Hi Katey i will try safe foods thanks

your welcome, just find something that your comfortable eating. it doesnt make the feeling go away, but at least your bodies getting something in it. and like criada said, it is hard but God sees you as you are, and still loves you.

Lily76_ · May 20, 2010

I just cant get the thoughts to go away i know that God loves me the way i am
Some times i think me wanting to be thin is me being vain you know like am wishing for it pray for it
maybe God is punishing me by making me fat but i don't think God would do that would he ?

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