Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! poss. trig (5)

beckybooiloveu · Oct 26, 2008

Congrats on your graduation!

and SWATVAC... stands for like study vacation... we have a week between when classes finish and exams start to study... not nearly long enough!!! ahhh

Soulwings · Oct 28, 2008

Congrats on graduating, Shannie!! That is fantastic!! So proud of you - you must be awfully glad to be done with uni - I know that I can't wait.

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Ahh, I understand now, Bec. Thanks for explaining. How are you doing today??

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I'm doing alright. Just registered for classes for next semester (yesterday... it took me an hour and a half to finally figure out what I needed and get registered!! )... I'm going to be taking sixteen credits, and two of those classes are writing classes... so I really hope that I don't regret it.

Eating is going okay. Not much really new there. I am seeing my N next week for the first time in about a month... eeep!! Nervous about that. I feel so hideously fat and look like it, too.

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How is everyone else?? s

Shannie · Oct 28, 2008

Becky,

Thanks Good luck studying for finals!!

April,

Thank you as well I'm soooo happy to be done. It seemed like it would never end when I was in the middle of it, but in retrospect it went by fast. Does that make any sense? lol.

I hope your appt with your N goes well. You are not hideously fat, but I know that feeling and it sucks. Is there something fun you can do after your appt so you have something to look forward to?

Things for me are going ok. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed trying to settle into my new routine of not being in school. I feel like now that I've graduated I need to magically have everything together. Plus I have a couple exams this year for my accounting designation and I'm stressing about them. Anyways I have to go to work so I must run.

Have an awesome day.

Lady Bug · Oct 28, 2008

Hi guys,

I went into a funk and didn't come here for a few days. I wish I had some more to tell you but I don't. It's one of those days where I want to feel like I matter to someone. Not just in a friendship sense - it's like nothing helps me feel better about this anymore.

Not doing the greatest with my food intake - just trying to not to gain any more weight than I already am. I can't even believe how far I've gone - technically it's only a number but I truly don't want to FEEL that number - which I DO.

Shannie · Oct 28, 2008

ladybug :hug

Sorry I have no words of wisdom but you do matter and you are special.

Soulwings · Oct 29, 2008

Wow, it's been quiet in here. Wonder why...

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Ladybug, sorry to hear that things are rough for you right now. I know that there isn't much hope for you getting a T right now, but what about scheduling an appointment with a N (nutritionist)?? Could that be a possibility?

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Shannie, I understand what you mean. Time is elastic. Some days feel very long but weeks feel very short... that's how it is for me this semester. It's just whizzing past. Soon I'll be a second semester senior, and all of the people I came in with are going to be getting ready for graduating, and I won't. And I feel like I will never get out, although I might be able to graduate next fall instead of next spring!! (wouldn't that be cool?!) I've already been at my uni for five years...

Anyway. I don't know if I can do anything fun after my N appt next week... pretty much what I'll be doing is going to uni and tutoring. Between now and then, though, I have enough work to get done and enough stuff to stress over that I'm not going to bother worrying about that til it comes. Does that make sense?

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I guess a good thing about life right now is that I don't want to weigh myself. I brought my scale with me when I moved, but while I do have a desire to weigh myself, I don't want to because I'm scared of what the number will be. I think it's gone up quite a bit since September, and quite a lot since this summer, when I weighed less than I had in quite awhile. Dratted stress!! and trying to get my eating under control. I haven't been overeating, but just getting most of my calories at nighttime since that is the easiest thing to do (otherwise I have to worry about what I'm going to be packing for lunches and snacks, etc.). However, I've been working on that in the past week and I think it's getting better.

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s to all.

beckybooiloveu · Oct 30, 2008

*hugs* to all...
im thinking about you all even though i cant post much at the moment

four days until my exams start... then one everyday for five days in a row!!! AHHHHHHH... im freaking out...
im also feeling absoluutely gross but i have a bad habit of snacking while im studying if i have food next to me... and my mum bought me a study pack full of food for my birthday... so i feel absolutely gross... but because i am so stressed about exams i keep telling myself not to worry about it and that i can make up for it when i finish exams... so im planning all this restricting and exercise for after i finish... ahhh.. its getting too me... i just want to lose sooo much weight before next year...

anwyas... i just realised the time... i better keep goign with my study so i can try to get at least an hours sleep...
Love u all!
Bec

Soulwings · Oct 30, 2008

Bec, love, you don't need to lose weight. I'm so, so glad to hear that you're eating!! That is a fantastic thing... you don't need to restrict or overexercise after uni ends, sweetie. Trust me on that one. You'll be fine without. I doubt you need to lose any weight, much less lots!!

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I didn't get enough to eat today... but I think my ED is in remission. Sort of. It's been awhile since I've had any problems with wanting to restrict, and I can safely say that I'm in recovery... and Jarrod really helps with making sure I get enough to eat. Plus, I don't want to hurt him... so I really don't want to so anything self-destructive, as much as part of me would want to - if that makes any sense.

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Shannie, Sabrina, Ladybug, Hallee, how are you guys doing??

Kerin, Ari, Katey, are you around??

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s to all.

beckybooiloveu · Oct 31, 2008

april... i am actually being totally one-hundred percent honest to say that i need to lose alot of weight.. i literally am obese/ i think my BMI would probably say i am... i have put on soooooooo much wiehgt over the last few months from stress i think... even when i havent been eating... all my clothes feel so gross on me and i dont feel comfortable is anything! so... i really do need to get serious in the holidays unfortunately...

and im so glad that you think you're ED is in remission... im sooo proud of you hun! well done... i know there are/will still be struggles but recognise what you have beaten already and those struggles will seem novel...

*hugs* everyone

Soulwings · Nov 1, 2008

Bec, BMI is simply a ratio of weight-to-height and is not accurate at all. It doesn't take into account body frame, bone size, etc. So please - if you can - try not to base everything off of it. I am sure that you are not obese. And if you do indeed need to lose weight, don't go the restricting and overexercising path, because that will just make it worse. Eat properly and keep eating properly and exercising a decent amount, and then your metabolism - over time - will even out. I know it's so much easier said than done, but I just thought I'd toss it out there.

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Thank you, love. I hope that your weekend goes well... hang tough and remember that you CAN beat an eating disorder... it just takes time. I am struggling with mine still - last night was proof of that - trying to get in enough calories - but it can be overcome. I promise.

Lady Bug · Nov 1, 2008

Shannie said:
ladybug :hug

Sorry I have no words of wisdom but you do matter and you are special.

thanks Shannie - I have trouble everyday feeling this

Soulwings said:
Wow, it's been quiet in here. Wonder why...

...

Ladybug, sorry to hear that things are rough for you right now. I know that there isn't much hope for you getting a T right now, but what about scheduling an appointment with a N (nutritionist)?? Could that be a possibility?

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I'm not saying it's an impossibility indefinitely - I'm just unsure I can consider it a possibility at this time ONLY because I'm just scared to keep using my nonrenewable income from my bank account (until I get a job - and I don't know when that is anymore) because someday if I hope to be independent I want enough money left so that I don't have to wait forever to accumulate enough money to move. Does that make sense lol? (I'm simply assuming that going to a nutritionist and getting some treatment from a nutritionist involves dishing out money to do so)

I hate not being able to follow one's advice - because it looks like I don't want to follow it but it's not that - I just don't feel able to follow this advice

My dad said something that I am not sure I agree on and I wonder about your input (your in the plural sense). My dad thinks that if I "starve" enough to get down to whatever weight, that my body will get used to feeling hungry to the point where it no longer feels that hunger that fuels my binge eating. I don't know - I don't think that I'm one that applies to this so-called rule - assuming that the rule is even true. Regardless, this sounds like it's coming from the mouth of someone who has never had this type of disorder in his entire life

Soulwings · Nov 3, 2008

Ladybug, to be honest, I really don't know what to think about your dad's idea. If you starve, as I did in oh five, then yes, you do get used to the hunger to the point where you don't even feel it anymore. But that is not the place that you want to go. If you starve yourself, restrict, whatever you want to call it - then yes, you probably will lose weight fast. BUT!!! as soon as you start eating properly again, you will gain it all back, because your body will be in starvation mode - saving up as many calories as possible - so you don't starve to death - stores them as fat. So in the long run, starving/restricting is a Rubbishy Idea. It really is.

Yeah, N's cost money, too. Maybe when you get a job, though? as well as a T? I know that you don't know when that will be, but try to stay optimistic. (Easier said than done, don't I know it!! ) You WILL get through this.

How have things been lately?

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And girls, how've all of you been? It's been quiet here!! s

texannurse · Nov 4, 2008

Hi everyone!

I'm doing ok. How is everyone else?
TN

Shannie · Nov 4, 2008

Hi!

Ladybug, sorry things are so rough. Regarding your dad's advice, I'm inclined to disagree because I don't think eating disorders are about being hungry or not. I think it could just cause to switch disorders or lead to more binging because you are hungry. I don't think saying "don't eat" is any more helpful that "just eat" is, and neither really deal with the actual problem. Sorry if this makes no sense, I'm rambling a bit. I just hate hate hate the idea of someone restricting. I want you to be free of your disorder, not changing to other disordered habits. That's what I want for all of us.

If I misunderstand your dad's advice though and he doesn't mean 'starve' but just to eat healthy and a normal amount of food and that your body will adjust to that, of course that is good. However it still oversimplifies the problem I think...if it were that easy I'm sure we'd have all done it by now . However if you can do that while finding a healthy coping mechanism to deal with your feelings/stress than hopefully you can work in that direction?

Becky,
I'm sorry you are feeling down about your weight. Remember that BMI is not a reliable measure. And restricting is not a good way to lose weight even if you want to. I know it's easy to say that but also know our EDs make it sound sooo appealing sometimes. My ED has been sneaking back in my head and I keep trying to fight it with logic like that my metabolism would slow down and actually make losing weight harder, but somehow my ED can totally make all the logic in the world seem irrelevant. But we have to try to fight because if our EDs get our way we'll stay sick forever.

I'm sorry your struggling. I hope your exams are going ok. I'm sending you lots of luck and good wishes.

April,

How are things going for you? Getting settled into your new home? How's uni?

Texasnurse,

Hi! Glad you are doing ok. Sorry I don't think I've talked to you much before so I can't say to much but sending you s!

Soulwings · Nov 5, 2008

Shannie - this

but somehow my ED can totally make all the logic in the world seem irrelevant

made so much sense to me. My ED has been trying to do the same thing lately, and it's really, really hard to fight it back. I hope that you are doing okay with fighting, though... keep being courageous and strong, and keep trusting in God that He will provide you the strength needed to keep fighting. Have you still been eating okay?

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Tn!! *tackle hug* Miss seeing you around... I promise I will send you an email sometime soonish.

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I'm doing okay, I guess. I'm seeing my N this morning for the first time in a month, and I am terrified. I have gained weight while my husband (trying out the word "husband"!) has lost weight, because we're eating more healthily than he had been on his own, and that just seems to me to be so unfair. I know that life isn't fair, etc., etc., but EDs, as mentioned above, are NOT logical. Plus, my dad didn't help matters by saying, "Well, we know where Jarrod's Xlbs lost went!!" when I told him that I'd gained weight. He (dad) can be so understanding and wise and wonderful most of the time, but sometimes he lapses and is so insensitive without meaning to be so. It's frustrating!!

But I'm adjusting well to my new home... it's hard in the mornings because I'm all alone and have about three hours to burn off between getting up and leaving for uni, so I'm on CF a lot then. I've been really anxious and have been taking my Klonopin PRN, so that's not great, but at least my NP okayed me getting an extra one. I'm going back into a depressive episode, I think (or else I am just being depressed for a few days, I don't know) - but in any case, it really sucks. I feel like crap, I'm lonely even when I'm around J or on campus, I'm sad all the time, I feel miserable and nothing makes me feel better, not even snuggling up with Jarrod or reading or coming online and commiserating with people. It just downright sucks.

But other than all of that, I'm fine.

Arianna · Nov 5, 2008

Hi
Sorry I haven't been around for so very very very long -- just thought I'd drop in and say hi. for everyone

Ari
xxx

Shannie · Nov 5, 2008

April,

I'm glad someone understands, but I'm sorry you understand if that makes any sense. At least I know it's not just me but I wish no one else had to go through this. My eating is a bit off now...last week it was a bit restrictive, just during the days but that's typical for me, and then this week the typical swing back in my attempt not to restrict I overeat a bit. Very very cyclical. I'd been avoiding the pattern for sooo long. The longest I've ever lasted. But now...I guess I messed up. Hopefully I can stop it soon, but it's becoming harder. I think it was easier in the fall cuz I had no stress. Anyways I guess that proved I *can* do it, so I shouldn't give up. Will keep trying.

I hope your N appt goes well. I'm sorry about your dad's comment. I hate those innocent type comments you know aren't meant to hurt but with ED they feel like a knife or something. At least to me. But I guess we have to remember that's not the intention and our EDs distort a lot of things.

I hope you feel better soon. I feel lonely even with my boyfriend sometimes, usually when my ED is bad and I'm pretending to be ok for him, cuz I feel like I still am totally alone. But I don't suffer from depression so I definitely can't say I understand how you feel, just relate on a much more minor level?

Hi Arianna!! How are you?

beckybooiloveu · Nov 7, 2008

YAY!!! Im finished exams ... and finished my second year of uni... whoot... well kind of... I have to resit one of my exams because i because too sick to complete one of them from anxiety/stress...

LovesTruePassion · Nov 7, 2008

Hey girls, sorry I was MIA for a bit. My computer was being repaired...FINALLY its fixed! Anyways, update me please
Im doing okay, eating well...but the thoughts are hard to overcome lately. Ive just been stressed I guess...over nothing major really. Just pety things, Im sure you guys know what I mean.
I was having pain last week in my lower abdomen and hips, went to the docs and come to find out have two ovarian cysts, combined they are nine cm! Thats big, so next appt. is decemeber 2nd and that will be a follow up to see what they are going to do about it...ugh..my female problems never seize to end!

Soulwings · Nov 7, 2008

Ari!!!! *glomp* I've missed you loads and loads, how are you??

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Shannie, I understand what you mean. Keep fighting, love, keep fighting. You can do it... you have done it. Fighting an ED is so, so hard, but WE WILL OVERCOME, as Tn always used to say.

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Bec, congrats!!! That's great news! I'm so glad that you now have a bit of time to relax (or at least, some time to be away from uni) - I'm sorry about having to resit the exam, though... ...you had to be feeling pretty awful. And remember, love - you don't have to restrict and overexercise, because it's horribly unhealthy and you're not fat.

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Sabrina, welcome back!! I was wondering where you were. I'm sorry to hear about the ovarian cysts... owww. I hope that things go well for the next appointment and things... Thoughts are really hard to overcome when they come on strongly... especially Ed... he's a tricky little devil.

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My N appt went much better than I thought it would!! I lost some weight in the past month, which is great - means that I've been eating enough and at proper times. Exercise has been sooo low, though... I've been such a lazy slug. Especially now, though, because getting out of breath causes a panic attack... how stupid is that?

Things are going okay, nothing else much new. Settling into the routine of being married, only four more weeks at uni () (and I loaded myself up with a lot of upper-division credits next term, the most credits I've ever taken, plus six hours tutoring/week, so I'm going to be super busy in January - May... )... and my advisor figured out that I may graduate next fall!!!

Anyway. I'm still feeling depressed and low (Shannie, I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT be depressed - you are very lucky ) and lonely..... and apathetic. It's pretty ick. But I'll make it...

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s to all.

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