Hello. I'm new to this forum.
A while back I had an unwanted abortion. The reason why I say unwanted is because it was genuinely unwanted - my pregnancy was wanted from the very beginning, and I was in love with my little ones (twins). This was no secret love - everyone involved knew how I felt, and watched me cry and plead for their lives. I wanted to be a mother. I was told I had no other choice, and that it was just my hormones talking and that one day I would see that it was the right thing to do for them.
I will start at the beginning.
I was in a long term relationship, engaged, and we were about to get married. We also wanted children - not someday, but soon.
One day I found myself locked out of the house with no money and nothing but the clothes on my back. My fiance refused to talk to me.
I found temporary shelter with a friend and it was during this time that I discovered I was pregnant. The timing was horrible but I was still happy none the less. I knew I could make it, or at least, I thought I knew I could make it. Being a single mother didn't scare me, probably because my own mother was a single mom and I saw through her that it was not only possible but just as rewarding. More than anything though, I felt blessed... I was going to be a mommy! God saw fit to give me this life to protect and cherish, and I certainly wasn't about to sneeze at it or screw it up...
At the time, the friend I was staying with could only offer shelter long enough for me to find somewhere else to stay. I also was in a strange state with no transportation and out in the country, so I knew that I couldn't make a new start there. I made my rounds of calls to everyone I knew... family and friends alike... but no one could offer me a place to stay, even temporarily. Finally my parents got their landlady to agree to let me stay with them long enough to get back on my feet.
This is where the problems started... first of all, I wasn't just carrying one child, but two. I procured a job on the third day that I was with my parents, but training was 2 months away. I was still in late first trimester, but since it was twins, I was already starting to show. My parents informed me that I would not be able to stay with them while pregnant, their landlady would not allow it.
So I started making rounds of calls again. This time I was looking for anything - I knew no one could let me stay with them long enough for me to get the money up to get my own place, but I was hoping maybe I could stay a short while with one person after the next during the period I needed. Meanwhile, my parents had already started pushing the idea of an abortion. Of course I wanted to keep them, that's what the hormones do. This was the best thing to do, though. You can't do it on your own. This is the best choice for them. etc.
I wasn't able to do the "house hopping". So I started looking for shelters... there were none around that would take me in, as I hadn't been abused. I looked for rental assistance but that was only available to women that already had given birth to a child. I tried applying for credit cards (the idea being I could use that until I started making money) but my credit wasn't good enough. I learned of adoption agencies that would shelter pregnant women until the birth... but that meant having to travel to another city, and I had no way of getting there.
I cried myself to sleep every night begging God to show me the way, to help me keep from having to do what my parents wanted me to do. I didn't want them to die.
The time came where my parents told me I had one week to come up with a solution, or else I had to call the abortion clinic before it was too late to go through with the abortion.
I don't think I got a wink of sleep during that week. I spent every spare moment I had researching, thinking, praying, and talking to my little ones. The only thing I could come up with was committing a crime... I would be in jail but at least they would allow me to continue with the pregnancy. I didn't mind the fact I wouldn't be able to keep them, just knowing they were alive would be enough. Unfortunately, I just didn't have the guts to do anything.
The time for the clinic came. There was a counseling session... I saw it as an opportunity to try for help once again. I told the woman I did not want to lose them, and explained the situation to her, hoping they would know of some resource I hadn't yet found. They didn't.
I will give them this. They were compassionate. Not a single person there told me it was the best choice, or any of the things that my parents had been telling me. They all looked sad, and a few of them cried. I made sure every single one of them knew I didn't want to go through with it. I was put to sleep crying, and they had to strap me down during the procedure because I kept "waking up" and trying to get off the table. I woke back up crying. And I continued to cry for the next two weeks despite the heavy pain killer they had put me on. I lost 15 lbs in a month and was hanging on the edge of killing myself.
I felt like I was a horrible mother. God had given me these two lives to protect and I had failed miserably. I hadn't tried hard enough... I hadn't been strong enough... I should have just went ahead and faced being homeless... I didn't deserve the air I breathed...
I think the only thing that kept me from taking my own life was acknowledgment of the fact that two wrongs wouldn't make a right. That it was up to Him as to what to do with me. That He must understand somewhat or else I wouldn't still be breathing that air...
And it was through my faith that I began to heal. I was repentful, that was without a shadow of a doubt. God knew what was in my heart. The only one that wasn't forgiving was me. His forgiveness was there... I needed only to accept it and stop condemning myself, for it was not my place to do so.
Since then, I have taken my experience, and used it to help other women avoid following the same path. I don't want to see a single woman go through the ordeal I did. I feel that no woman should feel like she has to get an abortion when she doesn't want one. I try to be the encouragement and help that I wished I myself had.
I am starting to falter, though.
It starts with a friend. She is very much opposed to abortion... which is great, only... she seems to be even more opposed to the women that get one. This results in sessions of name calling and condemnation. This was probably a mistake on my part, but one day I approached her and told her my story and what I do now - I simply thought that she maybe did not realize that not all women that get abortions actually want them. Now the name calling and condemnation has been turned upon me, not only for what happened, but also for trying to help others avoid the same thing. She tells me that I didn't try hard enough, because she thought about aborting her own son and didn't do it, so there's no reason why anyone else shouldn't do the same without requiring any help, and anyone that doesn't do the same is a murderer, and there is no room for grace because the bible clearly states that life is precious. She also now sees me as being pro-abortion, and has attempted to engage me in a scripture war.
I have to admit this is wearing on me. We grew up together, I never imagined that she would take this kind of stance against me, and I especially never expected this kind of stance from another Christian, so it baffles me. And the constant reinforcement of the same thoughts I had when the abortion occurred has started to drag me back down into depression, self condemnation, and a lack of hope. She feels it is wrong for me to have forgiven myself and moved on, that it is something I should have to "live with" for the rest of my life in shame, and that I should be condemning other women rather than trying to help them.
Since the abortion, I have found a wonderful husband in an old friend and high school sweetheart, and have a new child on the way. I felt blessed... and now I'm just beginning to feel guilty, like I don't deserve any of this and it is wrong for me to have it.
I'm obviously not as recovered as I thought I was. I'm wondering if I've had the wrong beliefs this entire time. I find myself thinking that I'm sorry for thinking I could be forgiven. Can I be forgiven? I'm sorry for thinking I could go on to be happy. Can I be happy? Is it allowed? I'm sorry for thinking the right thing to do was to love myself and others. Should I be condemning everyone? She tells me I'm not getting the whole picture... am I not getting the whole picture? Etc.
I just want to know the truth. I am just now reaching out for help... up until now, I have been on my own. A vigilante if you will, heh.
A while back I had an unwanted abortion. The reason why I say unwanted is because it was genuinely unwanted - my pregnancy was wanted from the very beginning, and I was in love with my little ones (twins). This was no secret love - everyone involved knew how I felt, and watched me cry and plead for their lives. I wanted to be a mother. I was told I had no other choice, and that it was just my hormones talking and that one day I would see that it was the right thing to do for them.
I will start at the beginning.
I was in a long term relationship, engaged, and we were about to get married. We also wanted children - not someday, but soon.
One day I found myself locked out of the house with no money and nothing but the clothes on my back. My fiance refused to talk to me.
I found temporary shelter with a friend and it was during this time that I discovered I was pregnant. The timing was horrible but I was still happy none the less. I knew I could make it, or at least, I thought I knew I could make it. Being a single mother didn't scare me, probably because my own mother was a single mom and I saw through her that it was not only possible but just as rewarding. More than anything though, I felt blessed... I was going to be a mommy! God saw fit to give me this life to protect and cherish, and I certainly wasn't about to sneeze at it or screw it up...
At the time, the friend I was staying with could only offer shelter long enough for me to find somewhere else to stay. I also was in a strange state with no transportation and out in the country, so I knew that I couldn't make a new start there. I made my rounds of calls to everyone I knew... family and friends alike... but no one could offer me a place to stay, even temporarily. Finally my parents got their landlady to agree to let me stay with them long enough to get back on my feet.
This is where the problems started... first of all, I wasn't just carrying one child, but two. I procured a job on the third day that I was with my parents, but training was 2 months away. I was still in late first trimester, but since it was twins, I was already starting to show. My parents informed me that I would not be able to stay with them while pregnant, their landlady would not allow it.
So I started making rounds of calls again. This time I was looking for anything - I knew no one could let me stay with them long enough for me to get the money up to get my own place, but I was hoping maybe I could stay a short while with one person after the next during the period I needed. Meanwhile, my parents had already started pushing the idea of an abortion. Of course I wanted to keep them, that's what the hormones do. This was the best thing to do, though. You can't do it on your own. This is the best choice for them. etc.
I wasn't able to do the "house hopping". So I started looking for shelters... there were none around that would take me in, as I hadn't been abused. I looked for rental assistance but that was only available to women that already had given birth to a child. I tried applying for credit cards (the idea being I could use that until I started making money) but my credit wasn't good enough. I learned of adoption agencies that would shelter pregnant women until the birth... but that meant having to travel to another city, and I had no way of getting there.
I cried myself to sleep every night begging God to show me the way, to help me keep from having to do what my parents wanted me to do. I didn't want them to die.
The time came where my parents told me I had one week to come up with a solution, or else I had to call the abortion clinic before it was too late to go through with the abortion.
I don't think I got a wink of sleep during that week. I spent every spare moment I had researching, thinking, praying, and talking to my little ones. The only thing I could come up with was committing a crime... I would be in jail but at least they would allow me to continue with the pregnancy. I didn't mind the fact I wouldn't be able to keep them, just knowing they were alive would be enough. Unfortunately, I just didn't have the guts to do anything.
The time for the clinic came. There was a counseling session... I saw it as an opportunity to try for help once again. I told the woman I did not want to lose them, and explained the situation to her, hoping they would know of some resource I hadn't yet found. They didn't.
I will give them this. They were compassionate. Not a single person there told me it was the best choice, or any of the things that my parents had been telling me. They all looked sad, and a few of them cried. I made sure every single one of them knew I didn't want to go through with it. I was put to sleep crying, and they had to strap me down during the procedure because I kept "waking up" and trying to get off the table. I woke back up crying. And I continued to cry for the next two weeks despite the heavy pain killer they had put me on. I lost 15 lbs in a month and was hanging on the edge of killing myself.
I felt like I was a horrible mother. God had given me these two lives to protect and I had failed miserably. I hadn't tried hard enough... I hadn't been strong enough... I should have just went ahead and faced being homeless... I didn't deserve the air I breathed...
I think the only thing that kept me from taking my own life was acknowledgment of the fact that two wrongs wouldn't make a right. That it was up to Him as to what to do with me. That He must understand somewhat or else I wouldn't still be breathing that air...
And it was through my faith that I began to heal. I was repentful, that was without a shadow of a doubt. God knew what was in my heart. The only one that wasn't forgiving was me. His forgiveness was there... I needed only to accept it and stop condemning myself, for it was not my place to do so.
Since then, I have taken my experience, and used it to help other women avoid following the same path. I don't want to see a single woman go through the ordeal I did. I feel that no woman should feel like she has to get an abortion when she doesn't want one. I try to be the encouragement and help that I wished I myself had.
I am starting to falter, though.
It starts with a friend. She is very much opposed to abortion... which is great, only... she seems to be even more opposed to the women that get one. This results in sessions of name calling and condemnation. This was probably a mistake on my part, but one day I approached her and told her my story and what I do now - I simply thought that she maybe did not realize that not all women that get abortions actually want them. Now the name calling and condemnation has been turned upon me, not only for what happened, but also for trying to help others avoid the same thing. She tells me that I didn't try hard enough, because she thought about aborting her own son and didn't do it, so there's no reason why anyone else shouldn't do the same without requiring any help, and anyone that doesn't do the same is a murderer, and there is no room for grace because the bible clearly states that life is precious. She also now sees me as being pro-abortion, and has attempted to engage me in a scripture war.
I have to admit this is wearing on me. We grew up together, I never imagined that she would take this kind of stance against me, and I especially never expected this kind of stance from another Christian, so it baffles me. And the constant reinforcement of the same thoughts I had when the abortion occurred has started to drag me back down into depression, self condemnation, and a lack of hope. She feels it is wrong for me to have forgiven myself and moved on, that it is something I should have to "live with" for the rest of my life in shame, and that I should be condemning other women rather than trying to help them.
Since the abortion, I have found a wonderful husband in an old friend and high school sweetheart, and have a new child on the way. I felt blessed... and now I'm just beginning to feel guilty, like I don't deserve any of this and it is wrong for me to have it.
I'm obviously not as recovered as I thought I was. I'm wondering if I've had the wrong beliefs this entire time. I find myself thinking that I'm sorry for thinking I could be forgiven. Can I be forgiven? I'm sorry for thinking I could go on to be happy. Can I be happy? Is it allowed? I'm sorry for thinking the right thing to do was to love myself and others. Should I be condemning everyone? She tells me I'm not getting the whole picture... am I not getting the whole picture? Etc.
I just want to know the truth. I am just now reaching out for help... up until now, I have been on my own. A vigilante if you will, heh.
