Suicide

[GreyWolf]

I'm probably going to regret starting this thread, since i'm afraid someone will find out who I am, but ..........ugh.......................
I was diagnosed with recurring major depression (or possibly bipolar type II, with only mild mania) as well as obsessive compulsive disorder with suicidal obsessions. I've been living with it for a long time. Right now, I am between counselors. I didn't like my old one because she often gave me advice I didn't feel comfortable following because it seemed against my christian religion. She was also really into Sylvia Brown, which made me a little leery, and she used to have us doing guided meditations and consulting inner guides. A little freaky. But every few weeks when my mood goes down, I end up attempting suicide again. So far I've been lucky (or unlucky) and haven't landed in a hospital. I have a kind of sick habit of screwing around with suicide, taking a minor overdose, or putting a plastic bag over my head for a while, seeing if I can fall asleep or hanging myself partially for a while and trying to squirm loose at the last possible minute before going unconscious, figuring I'll let fate decide. My friend tells me I won't go to heaven if I commit suicide. I do worry about that, but I dont' think I really deserve heaven anyway, so I don't really know about that.
I feel that OTHERS deserve to live, that's why I'm active in the pro-life movement- ironic huh. I think pro-choice people I debate would tear me apart if they knew. I guess I'm a hypocrite, but I just want better things for others then for myself.

 

[servant4ever]

I know what you are feeling. I'm depressed right now so I cant really give any suggestions or anything. Sorry.

 

[GodDreamer]

Hun, i don't really have any advice that i can actually give you, but just know that you're in my prayers and i'm here for you God bless
love always
Alisha

 

[Linux98]

It is ok that you "feel" like a hypocrite, but you really aren't. You have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. We live in a fallen world. And our brains are not exempt. Some people have heart problems, others have lung problems.

Also, it seems clear that the devil is attacking you. His battlefield is the mind and Christians with depression are easy fodder for him. When you have feelings that you are not worthy of heaven it is because you are falling prey to the devil's favorite tactic. He is telling you that you aren't worthy of heaven; his trick is to use your own mind against you. Every time the devil tells you that you aren't worthy of heaven just remember that what he is really saying is that the blood of Christ was not sufficient; the devil is telling you that the blood of Jesus is not precious or powerful.

When you feel the devil attack you this way try to think about how precious Jesus is to you. The devil has no right to attack our Lord this way. You are worthy of heaven because our God, in His wisdom and authority, redeemed you.

I'm not suggesting you try to fight the devil head on. He is too smart for us and he has had thousands of years of practice deceiving humans; it is his full time job. All I'm saying is that when you feel the attack try your best to not to ask yourself if you are worthy, instead, ask yourself if Jesus is worthy.

 

[Jcsogls]

I'm probably going to regret starting this thread, since i'm afraid someone will find out who I am, but ..........ugh.......................
I was diagnosed with recurring major depression (or possibly bipolar type II, with only mild mania) as well as obsessive compulsive disorder with suicidal obsessions. I've been living with it for a long time. Right now, I am between counselors. I didn't like my old one because she often gave me advice I didn't feel comfortable following because it seemed against my christian religion. She was also really into Sylvia Brown, which made me a little leery, and she used to have us doing guided meditations and consulting inner guides. A little freaky. But every few weeks when my mood goes down, I end up attempting suicide again. So far I've been lucky (or unlucky) and haven't landed in a hospital. I have a kind of sick habit of screwing around with suicide, taking a minor overdose, or putting a plastic bag over my head for a while, seeing if I can fall asleep or hanging myself partially for a while and trying to squirm loose at the last possible minute before going unconscious, figuring I'll let fate decide. My friend tells me I won't go to heaven if I commit suicide. I do worry about that, but I dont' think I really deserve heaven anyway, so I don't really know about that.
I feel that OTHERS deserve to live, that's why I'm active in the pro-life movement- ironic huh. I think pro-choice people I debate would tear me apart if they knew. I guess I'm a hypocrite, but I just want better things for others then for myself.

I can relate to some of what you said. I had a horrible weekend. I was very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I have never attempted anything. I feel like I get closer and closer to trying something everytime I dip in mood. It feels like everytime I dip its wrose than the previous one.

I'm diagnoised with depression and with an anxiety disorder. I written some posts about it in here before.

I'm between therapist myself. I also have recently switched doctors because the jerk I had closed my case for **** reasons.

I am a abuse survivor. I also tend to have an anxiety problem around people. I've pondered whether I have social anxiety or not. Its like I want friends but I'm nervous to talk with them or use the phone, its like I have phone anxiety too .

I currently have no friends offline. I dont talk to many of my family members meaning my parents, brother, aunts and uncles, cousins. I have my own family we're close. Its hard not being able to talk to anybody about it I mean friends and family....

I'm praying for you, I'm with you in your struggle...

In Christ
Rich

 

[TheWinterGaze]

Amen, Linux!

Greywolf,

I was very low some months ago, and I felt the same way you do. Silly things like seeing a pair of baby's shoes in a shop, and felt the preciousness of those new-borns - how precious they are in God's sight and how fearfully and wonderfully made - but for me, I felt I don't deserve to live. I felt that it was the time for them to live a new life, and it was the time for me to leave the world. The feeling was so real that I took minor overdose, and try deprive myself of oxygen, in a compulsive manner when my feeling took over me.

But do hang on. See if the medication take those overwhelming and deceiving feelings away. In the meantime, it must be impossible to fight off those feelings - but just remember, stand strong because those feelings are not the reality. What you feel is not what the reality is. What your body is telling you is not the reality! So maybe some days you will find yourself in a quite weird situation, that you know in your head what the reality is, and at the same time, your body feels the total opposite way. (And that's why people says that we are crazy heehee)

Greywolf, I do hope you feeling better very soon. You are in my prayers.

love, Winnie

 

[GreyWolf]

Hi, and thank you to everyone who wrote. Depression can be a hard enemy to fight. Good news....I am seeing a new counselor tomorrow. I don't know if I can afford her on a regular basis because in my infinite wisdom, when setting up the appt. I didn't ask how much she charged. She is a Christian counselor so maybe she will accept a sliding scale payment plan. Thank you for your support and prayers. I do feel better tonight, I wonder sometimes if I'm bipolar like a few have suggested because sometimes I feel normal and sometimes I just feel so low. Anyway, thank you for all being kind to me.

 

[PorcelainHeart]

I know how you feel, but don't like yourself get like me. I'm beyond depression after I heard Rita might hit here. Most people wouldn't get like this during a hurricane but I do. I hope the best for you. I have the same fear I want to kill myself, but I don't want to go to hell.

 

[GreyWolf]

Don't feel bad, Marmalade Girl, I would be a basket case if a hurricane was going to hit my town. Please be safe. I will be praying for you to feel better and be physically safe from the hurricane. This is actually the first I heard about Rita. I have no tv (my old roommate ordered too many pay-per-view movies and couldn't pay for them, so our cable got cut off two months ago, and the antenna doesn't pick up anything) but its turning out to be a bad hurricane season, isn't it? First the terrible Katrina, then Ophelia, and now another one, huh? Anyway, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Graywolf

 

[Gamedog]

I know haow you fell i used to suffer from

!!!!!!!!!!!!!***********EXTREME**********!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deppresion.

Just don give up and try to make the best of whatever is making you deppressed