Stunned

[3girls2dogs]

I agree that time may change her outlook on this. I think this, because after a time, I am sure if you continue to love her unconditionally, she will understand that her worth is not tied up in her figure but in who she is.

I gained weight that I have had a hard time losing after my third child. And even when I am feeling completely down on myself for not having the willpower to lose it, my husband unconditionally tells me I am beautiful to him every day. It makes a huge difference to me. I know, deep in my heart, that my beauty, in his eyes, is tied to mothering his children and taking care of him, not just in my appearance.

Give her time to be your wife. Being a mother is so important to me, but I feel I am a better mother when I take the time to be a wife to my husband also.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

"Being thin, having a figure is not a big thing in our culture. Having children is." As an American woman I can tell you we are shown, told, expected to be thin and beautiful from the time we are little girls. As a man you may not see this.

As for your wifes position I actuall understand it guite a bit. I loved kids and wanted kids, but really REALLY HATED the idea of being pregnant. It had nothing to do with pain. I did not want to gain weight. I had always had a great athletic figure. I did not realize how much pride I took in that until I was unexpectedly pregnant.

I put on alot of weight 60 pounds while I was pregnant with my daughter. There was nothing I could do about it. I was active, I ate right all that stuff. Anyhow after she was born it took me atleast a year to lose the weight. I did not feel attractive to my husband even though he was incredible and told me daily that I was beautiful and his need to touch me never changed. During that time I became really self conscious. I never was before. My personality changed it was difficult.

I gues what I am trying to say is if she is ok with being a mom and adopting, but not the process of biologically having children then go with it. You don't need to understand her reasons, just understand that she is ok with the alternative of adopting. Also enjoy just being married. Build your relationship. It is hard on a marriage having kids. You don't get alone time for 18 years. Keep that in mind.

 

[bliz]

This subject was not discussed before you married??? Did she deceive you, or did you assume that she shared your desire?

Look, I think she is being foolish and stupid, but I did not grow up in her family. Who knows what kinds of things were said or how she was regarded in the family becasue of her weight. If being thin meant that you were loved, being thin is a very, very big deal. All of us are shaped by the family that raised us, and sometimes the shaping creates some very distorted people, sad to say. The have been shaping her worldview and her values for X years now. You aren't going to change that in a few months. Or years.

Since adoption is not out of the question, why not adopt? She may or may not change her mind about giving birth someday, and she may come to realize that giving birth and retaining a figure are not mutually exclusive, but the two of you can have the joy of raising a child together while providing a home for a child without one.

This is one of those issues where the more you push her, the harder she will push back. Take the issue off the table.

 

[MoodyBlue]

Build your relationship. It is hard on a marriage having kids. You don't get alone time for 18 years. Keep that in mind.

Wise words - my youngest is now 20 years old, and my wife and I are just now starting to fully re-connect and rediscover what we had before the kids came along. Children are great, but if you don't have a strong foundation before you have them, your marriage won't survive. They will test you and your wife like you have never been tested before. Enjoy this new life together that you have just started, really get to know each other. You will both be better prepared for whatever lies in front of you, with or without children.

 

[Chosen One]

Of course it was advice. You are never ready to have kids and you are never ready to die. Both thing will eventually happen (to most of us).

She entered into a marriage- this means she is open to having the children God gives her. You aren't "tricking her" by getting her pregnant. You are simply doing God's will.

If you have the derranged view that you are somehow "tricking her", then you can feel rest assured in that she tricked you into a childless marriage.

Thank you ladies and gentleman for your advice, and some insight.

I have no intention of forcing or tricking...(was that real advice?) my wife into having kids, I respect her, and love her too much to do that, but I'm just bowled over at the prospect of not having our own biological kids because she's in some competition with her sisters.
She used to be the heaviest one, and her sisters gave her so much grief, now she is thinner than they are. I guess she is enjoying it. But I never knew that her enjoyment is my detriment.
I guess the only thing to do is pray.
We are not American, we have spent most of our lives here, and we do live here, but something else that I should explain is- let's say that we all were in a room, if all of you were thinner than my wife, she would not care. If you were her sisters, she would die.

I suppose this is something I just have to wait out a while. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how devastated I am by this.

 

[hazeleyes80]

I've been married now for a bit over 7 months, my wife and I get along generally very well. We discussed having children before marriage, and agreed that we would start trying to have a family pretty quickly. I started bringing up the subject around month 5, and I noticed that whenever I would bring up the subject, she would change it or go very quiet. I figured I would not press her, but finally this week, I asked her what was up did her feelings change or what?
She told me she didn't want to have kids. She didn't know if she would ever want to have them. This was all news to me, and I felt deceived and told her so, because having children is a very large part of my, and I thought her life's goal. She then informed me that perhaps we could adopt children.

I was confused even more, hadn't she just said, she didn't want any? After arguing for a while, and me asking her about her health, if the dr told her something I didn't know etc., etc. she finally admitted that she did not want to give birth to any children, it wasn't that she didn't want kids.

I was relieved then because I thought it was just a little fear of pain, and it would go away, when she was ready, since she said that it wasn't that she did not want kids. So I started to tease her about being afraid of pain, when she looked me in the face and very point blank told me that she did not intend on losing her figure, and she refused to have kids.

Stunned.

I thought she was joking, but she was not.
Now that her oldest sister has had a child, my wife is now the thinnest of her sisters and intends on staying that way. I cant even comprehend this, it is as if I do not exist in her line of vision at all. I questioned her even more because I thought maybe it wasn't her sisters she was concerned about, but perhaps me, maybe she thought my feelings might change if she were pregnant or something. (I was flattering myself) I told her that I love her no matter what, she would not have to worry about gaining a few pounds.
She would not hear me. It was like her mind was shut. She is finally the smallest, nothing will compromise that.

I'm still reeling from all of this. I don't even know where it came from. Being thin, having a figure is not a big thing in our culture. Having children is.

I don't even know what question to ask, have you ever heard such a thing? Will she get over this? I'm afraid I will lose respect for my wife over being so adamant over something which to me is so silly, but I realize it is not silly to her, so I do not know how to handle this. I am a large part of her family now, why is she being ruled by feelings towards the other family?

Ladies, what am I missing here. Help me out, I'm clueless.

I don't get this.

I'm not married, so if I am posting inappropriately, then I apologize in advance. The reason I am posting here is because I feel that I can really relate to your wife, so I might be able to shed more light on her position on pregnancy for you. I want kids, but the thought of being pregnant scares the "you know what" out of me. For me, it' not even so much the weight gain part (because my body type allows for relatively easy weight loss). It's the permanent-bodily-changes part. Weight can be lost, but there are several things that can happen to a woman's body due to pregnancy and childbirth that are permanent. Permanent widening of the hip bones, tearing of the rectus abdominus muscle (which results in a permanent "belly pooch" that a billion crunches won't fix), permanently saggy breasts, skin changes (stretch marks, etc.), hair changes, etc. might be scaring her just as much as the weight gain aspect. Some of that can be remedied through plastic surgery, but other things (the widened hip bones, for example) might not ever be able to be remedied.

In addition to those concerns, you might want to ask yourself these questions: "Does my wife have any reason to think that I would react unfavorably to body changes a pregnancy would cause?" and "Even if I have never given her a reason to think that I would react unfavorably to pregnancy-related body changes, might she be thinking that anyway?"

Even if it is "only" the weight gain that is troubling her, if she's a person that has trouble losing weight I urge you to try to sympathize with her. What HeatherJay said is 100% accurate - in our society, size does matter, especially for women.

 

[kayd1966]

According you your original post, you did discuss having children and you were both willing before you married...from what I'm reading...her position has changed because she is 'finally' thinner than her sisters.

I stand by my original post...spend some time getting to know each other as husband and wife...children will come when they come. I've known many women using all sorts of birth control and still got pregnant...because they were also wanting God's will in their lives...if you are meant to have children, I'm pretty sure God can handle the situation in His time...spend this time seeking what God wants you to do and spend it as a couple seeking His will in your lives.

(As for 'tricking' her...she'll either thank you or hate you for not taking her feelings seriously.)

 

[Silent Enigma]

Ok, first of all, you've only been married 7 months. That's microscopic. Don't get all bent out of wack over something she said in the first year of marriage. It sounds like she just recently got on this "I'm thinner than the rest I never want it to change, neveeeeeeeer" thing. That novelty may get old fast when she sees her sisters with cuddly babies, or cute toddlers babbling new words and stuff.

 

[~Nikki~]

Ok, first of all, you've only been married 7 months. That's microscopic. Don't get all bent out of wack over something she said in the first year of marriage. It sounds like she just recently got on this "I'm thinner than the rest I never want it to change, neveeeeeeeer" thing. That novelty may get old fast when she sees her sisters with cuddly babies, or cute toddlers babbling new words and stuff.

Actually that kind of happened for me.

I lost 30lbs after we were married and am happier with the way I look now than I have been at any point of my life. I wanted to hang on to that for as long as possible...I was also worried about the permanent body changes of having kids, but I got over that...it took maybe a year to change my mind, but it has changed and I'm looking forward to us having children now...

 

[ikshudaa]

I AM IKSHUDAA'S MOM RENUKA HERE.........I DIDN'T REALISE THAT SHE HAD NOT LOGGED OFF BEFORE I TOOK OVER....MY ID IS Renuka
HEY ANDREWDAS.... you guys are young....in the present day world having a baby is not something a woman takes to easily, she fears the pain,the change in priorities, her figure, losing all the attention she gets from hubby etc....
depends a lot on the socail upbringingt too...In Indian families women dread having babies cos they are made to belie ve that it is very painful like nothing on earth egtc.
may be her sisters have lost shape/figure and everyone is shouting at them for that.........
i knoe this may not be related....but i must tell u about my family.
my hubby and i are obese and so is my younger one....my older daughter has this wondergene where one can hog .like a pig and not put on weight. well evryone keeps shouting at me for my being obese cos it may hurt my healed hip ...now my older daughter is so finiky about what she eats ...she won't eat chocolates,butter, rice etc all cos she does not want to have the health probs i have.....
so, maybe she fears not only putting on weight but could be some other health probs....may be she has seen not many happy pregnancies
If I were you, Andrew, I would say ....fine honey it's your wish.....I love you and nothing is more important. give her time her motherly instincts will surely come up and most important pray....
ok .....do let us know what happens and you may PM at any time
take care and give her a lot of love, affection and care....win her heart over....let her be so madly in love with you that she'd be willing to do anything for u

 

[Renuka]

Thank you ladies and gentleman for your advice, and some insight.

I have no intention of forcing or tricking...(was that real advice?) my wife into having kids, I respect her, and love her too much to do that, but I'm just bowled over at the prospect of not having our own biological kids because she's in some competition with her sisters.
She used to be the heaviest one, and her sisters gave her so much grief, now she is thinner than they are. I guess she is enjoying it. But I never knew that her enjoyment is my detriment.
I guess the only thing to do is pray.
We are not American, we have spent most of our lives here, and we do live here, but something else that I should explain is- let's say that we all were in a room, if all of you were thinner than my wife, she would not care. If you were her sisters, she would die.

I suppose this is something I just have to wait out a while. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how devastated I am by this.

I can identify with that!!!!!! I lost 15 kgs and my brother had lost only 8 and I was so thrilled!!!!!!!

 

[Ms.Garnet]

Hi , I have only read about 1/2 of the post because time is short for me today. If I am repeating previous advice , I apologize. I am thinking of your wife's emotional health. She obviously was affected deeply by the hurtful teasing of her sisters. Like you said about her being thinner than the sisters, maybe she's singing "How do You Like Me Know?" I don't agree with "tricking" - if she did decieve you before marriage on this issue & if you did consider (I know you said you would not, but this is "what if") tricking her - 2 wrongs don't make a right. And in my opinion that doctor needs his self center license pulled - how egotistical do they get? It makes me wonder how many patients he would do the same thing to (for whatever reason). Anyway - right now your wife is dealing with her body image issues. If she got pregnant right now with these issues at heart she may even resent the child who caused her to lose her thinness. She might resent/or blame you also. I would pray & ask the Lord to help her with her body image issues and to put a desire in her heart to have a child of her own (if this is His will). Ask trusted friends to pray about this with you even if you feel you should just tell them I have an unspoken request that I wish you would pray with me about - the Lord knows your situation already. Ask the Lord to help you be patient with your desire for children and with your wife. To make a long story short - I wanted children as much as I wanted to continue to breath. It was not in God's plan for me to give birth (and with hindsight I can now thank him for that) , but after many years the Lord gave us 2 adorable children - it was His timing - not ours & we couldn't possibly love them any more if they had come from my body. You are still young - my husband was 38 when our children came to us - he had not wanted children for the first 10 yrs. of our marriage! When he saw how important it was to me he began to pray for the Lord to give me the desires of my heart and in the process his own heart changed on the issue.

 

[AndrewDas]

Of course it was advice. You are never ready to have kids and you are never ready to die. Both thing will eventually happen (to most of us).

She entered into a marriage- this means she is open to having the children God gives her. You aren't "tricking her" by getting her pregnant. You are simply doing God's will.

If you have the derranged view that you are somehow "tricking her", then you can feel rest assured in that she tricked you into a childless marriage.

With the very popular "advice" you gave, I would not be so free to throw around the word derranged.

 

[AndrewDas]

Alright, Ive read every one's opinions.

More things to clear up, I should have written in my first post, when my wife said that she did not want to have kids I felt decieved, but when she explained the reason why, I no longer did, because I realized that she did not feel this way before we were married. So it's not like she was lying to me then.

1) As stated in my first post we did talk about it before getting married. I did not assume what she wanted or not.

2) My wife is NOT American the social mores here, she could care less about, her stance is not about me, it has nothing to do with me at all, or if I might give her a hard time about gaining weight. It's the sisters that she's gloating to. I see now that she really should have her time to feel good about herself, Ive seen how cruel they could be as adults. I cant imagine what it was like for her growing up.

3) As I said before, Im not going to bug her about it anymore, I'll just enjoy my time with her, and as many of the ladies suggested, spend more time on her her. It's true we've only been married for a little while, the extra time together may do us well. Im going to try not worry about having children right now. There is a possiblity she will bring it up on her own. Someone said that when she sees her sisters with kids, something may click.
But if it doesnt, I guess it's something I also have to be prepared for. Im disappointed, but not so much so I would sacrifice my relationship or my wife.

 

[HeatherJay]

Alright, Ive read every one's opinions.

More things to clear up, I should have written in my first post, when my wife said that she did not want to have kids I felt decieved, but when she explained the reason why, I no longer did, because I realized that she did not feel this way before we were married. So it's not like she was lying to me then.

1) As stated in my first post we did talk about it before getting married. I did not assume what she wanted or not.

2) My wife is NOT American the social mores here, she could care less about, her stance is not about me, it has nothing to do with me at all, or if I might give her a hard time about gaining weight. It's the sisters that she's gloating to. I see now that she really should have her time to feel good about herself, Ive seen how cruel they could be as adults. I cant imagine what it was like for her growing up.

3) As I said before, Im not going to bug her about it anymore, I'll just enjoy my time with her, and as many of the ladies suggested, spend more time on her her. It's true we've only been married for a little while, the extra time together may do us well. Im going to try not worry about having children right now. There is a possiblity she will bring it up on her own. Someone said that when she sees her sisters with kids, something may click.
But if it doesnt, I guess it's something I also have to be prepared for. Im disappointed, but not so much so I would sacrifice my relationship or my wife.

May God bless you and your wife, Andrew. You sound like a wonderful husband, and even though you're feeling disappointed, you're still willing to put your wife's needs in front of your own. Your wife is very lucky.

Give God a chance to work in this situation. Don't underestimate the power of prayer, or how big God can move to change your wife's heart and mind on the subject of kids.

 

[freedom4all]

Lately, my bf and I have been discussing whether or not to have kids after we marry. He really wants one, and I'm on the fence. Partly because I am 39, partly because I raised a difficult child alone and had a hard time, and I admit that I am afraid to gain weight. I am in great shape, train all the time, and am terrified that I will turn into a shapeless slug afterwards. Which is silly, because I gained 50 pounds with the first one, and did not stay fat. I think the fact that your wife is so determined not to stay fat after being pregnant, that she would probably lose it quickly. Why does she think she will stay fat?

Also, if she even remotely feels like you married her to be a "baby-making machine," then she's going to resist even more. I don't want to feel like that, either. Basically, I told my boyfriend that he should marry me because he wants to be with me, and not because he thinks I will have his child. Because there is no guarantee that we even can have kids (not every couple can), and what if we can't? We have to have a strong enough relationship without them.

And after suffering from an eating disorder, I can tell you that it is hell being obsessed about my weight. The thought of gaining weight stresses me out horribly.

I kind of resent men in this area because we women have to go through all these changes, some of the permanent, and nothing happens to the man. Maybe your wife feels this way, too.

 

[Chosen One]

With the very popular "advice" you gave, I would not be so free to throw around the word derranged.

Being married means being open to having children.

 

[Leanna]

Wow..... well its all about priorities. I mean, seriously, she may think shes the thinnest but has she thought about herself at 80? Who will visit her if not kids? I think life without children woul dbe lonely.

Personally I think its completely manageable to stay thin and in shape and still give birth to children. I've had one child and I worked at a physical job for the first 6 months, did a lot of walking with it, and I didn't gain any fat, I lost all my pregnancy weight .

She may not get over it tomorrow.... but maybe when she gets old enough to realize her body is getting old either way she will.

 

[Leanna]

Ok, first of all, you've only been married 7 months. That's microscopic. Don't get all bent out of wack over something she said in the first year of marriage. It sounds like she just recently got on this "I'm thinner than the rest I never want it to change, neveeeeeeeer" thing. That novelty may get old fast when she sees her sisters with cuddly babies, or cute toddlers babbling new words and stuff.

I agree with this. It has only been 7 months. Just tell her how you feel about it and let time take its course.

 

[Renuka]

ANDREW DAS