Stunned

[AndrewDas]

I've been married now for a bit over 7 months, my wife and I get along generally very well. We discussed having children before marriage, and agreed that we would start trying to have a family pretty quickly. I started bringing up the subject around month 5, and I noticed that whenever I would bring up the subject, she would change it or go very quiet. I figured I would not press her, but finally this week, I asked her what was up did her feelings change or what?
She told me she didn't want to have kids. She didn't know if she would ever want to have them. This was all news to me, and I felt deceived and told her so, because having children is a very large part of my, and I thought her life's goal. She then informed me that perhaps we could adopt children.

I was confused even more, hadn't she just said, she didn't want any? After arguing for a while, and me asking her about her health, if the dr told her something I didn't know etc., etc. she finally admitted that she did not want to give birth to any children, it wasn't that she didn't want kids.

I was relieved then because I thought it was just a little fear of pain, and it would go away, when she was ready, since she said that it wasn't that she did not want kids. So I started to tease her about being afraid of pain, when she looked me in the face and very point blank told me that she did not intend on losing her figure, and she refused to have kids.

Stunned.

I thought she was joking, but she was not.
Now that her oldest sister has had a child, my wife is now the thinnest of her sisters and intends on staying that way. I cant even comprehend this, it is as if I do not exist in her line of vision at all. I questioned her even more because I thought maybe it wasn't her sisters she was concerned about, but perhaps me, maybe she thought my feelings might change if she were pregnant or something. (I was flattering myself) I told her that I love her no matter what, she would not have to worry about gaining a few pounds.
She would not hear me. It was like her mind was shut. She is finally the smallest, nothing will compromise that.

I'm still reeling from all of this. I don't even know where it came from. Being thin, having a figure is not a big thing in our culture. Having children is.

I don't even know what question to ask, have you ever heard such a thing? Will she get over this? I'm afraid I will lose respect for my wife over being so adamant over something which to me is so silly, but I realize it is not silly to her, so I do not know how to handle this. I am a large part of her family now, why is she being ruled by feelings towards the other family?

Ladies, what am I missing here. Help me out, I'm clueless.

I don't get this.

 

[kayd1966]

I have heard of this...its actually becoming quite common.

As one who has struggled with the weight issue all my adult life, I guess I can understand it to a point...but I've got two children now and wouldn't change it for the world. Being a mom is all I ever really wanted and the desire for kids was stronger than the desire to be thin.

You said that being thin is not a big thing in your culture yet I see that you are from North America, specifically the US...I'm not sure how you can say that when every part of our societies are based on how we look...knowing from experience...for women, being thin is the way to be here in North America...we get better jobs, can get nicer clothes, etc. if we are thinner...not that I agree with this thinking...its just the way it is. Even if one's ethnic background doesn't make weight an issue, living in North America sure does...its one of the sad parts of our society.

It sounds to me like there is a lot of hurt bottled up inside of her and this is a time when you will need to be a silent listener...please do not tease her as this will only make the hurt worse and as women, we have a long memory that will reply the teasing over and over again in our minds...(I know that from experience...I still can remember teasing from grade/high school and I wasn't overweight then...in fact my mum was worried that I was too thin.)

Don't bring up the baby thing for awhile..spend time building your relationship and trust in each other. Pray that God will restore her self confidence and pray that God will show you how you can support her. Also pray that she will see herself as God sees her...perfect and made in HIS image.

 

[Rhoni10]

I think a lot of women do fear putting on a lot of weight during pregnancy and not being able to take it off. Has she ever had a weight problem in the past? I gained almost 50 pounds with both of my pregnancies but was able to lose it within 3 months after the birth of both of my girls. Breast feeding really helped and it really creates a great bond. I would find out maybe what went on when she was growing up. Did her other siblings give her a hard time about her weight growing up? Unfortunately our society does place a lot on thinness. And you see a lot of new mothers in the spotlight that seem to lose their weight overnight and that is not how it really is. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[HeatherJay]

Well, I can understand how shocked and hurt you must be, but I think it's important that you realize that your wife's feeling about this is not really all that uncommon. And maybe you guys don't feel it as much as we women do, but being thin and having a figure IS a huge thing in our culture. The majority of the media out there is telling us that thin women are more valuable than "fat" women, and unfortunately, the majority of women suffer from a lowered self esteem due to this.

It sounds to me like your wife is suffering from a severe case of low self esteem. She finds her "value" in being the smallest (I'm assuming from your post that she hasn't always been the smallest sister?). It makes her feel better about herself to be thinner than her sisters...oh, man, if you only KNEW how guilty so many of us women are of this...increasing our self-value by internally ranking ourselves higher than others.

The unfortunate thing about this situation is that people tend to automatically equate "pregnant" with "fat'...not only your wife, but a large amount of society as well...men and women alike. I can think of two couples that I've known (off the top of my head) who got divorced because the husbands were unhappy about the fact that their wives gained weight after pregnancy. SAD!

And I recognize that you are not guilty of this. You're obviously are prepared to love your wife regardless of her weight...especially if it's due to pregnancy. God bless you for being there for your wife through that. BUT, you need to also be with her through this struggle as well. I think you need to be supportive of her, encourage her, and help her, in whatever ways you can, to overcome her self esteem issue. I think that is far more important right now that having kids immediately. It's obvious that you want kids badly, but you need to realize that pushing your wife, in her current frame of mind, is not going to be a good situation for you, for her, or for any babies that you guys might have.

Childbirth is a frightening prospect for LOTS of women. LOL, and I'll thank you to not pass off "a little fear of pain" as no big deal. Let me tell ya...take a trip over to the Parenting forum and you'll see 2 or 3 threads just on the front page about women dealing with the fear of the pain of childbirth. And as vain as it might seem to you, fear of losing your figure or not being as pretty afterward is a completely valid fear to a lot of women. Your wife isn't alone.

Lift your wife up with compliments, lift her up with sweet gestures that show your love for her, and lift her up in your prayers. Lift her up UNCONDITIONALLY...do not only lift her up because she's your vehicle for having babies. I would think that if she had the idea that your love is conditional on the fact that she has babies for you that this could be potentially damaging to her self esteem as well. Women want to be treasured and cherished...not seen as a means to an end. And babies really should be the result of the love that is already present between a man and a woman...NOT the condition on which that love rests. Maybe you don't feel this way, but by you pushing your wife toward something that she's having doubts about, she could easily be interpretting it this way.

Okay, long story short. I would lay off the baby talk for awhile. Enjoy your wife. Treat her as though she's the most precious thing in the world to you. And pray for her...pray that God would soften her heart and calm her fears, and most importantly, that God would heal her wounded self esteem.

To me, your wife's emotional health is far more important than immediately bringing kids into the equation.

Not sure if that made sense of helped at all, but there's my opinion about it anyway.

Welcome to CF, BTW.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Being thin, having a figure is not a big thing in our culture. Having children is.

I don't have much to contribute to this discussion, except to agree with the above posters who said that being thin is a huge thing in our North American culture. Women who carry a few extra pounds are seen as being somehow immoral, like, "Shame on her for not taking care of herself."

It would probably surprise you to know how many of us women are very worried about this kind of thing.

 

[Chosen One]

My friend had a wife who was afraid to have kids-- he was a physician and had her change her birthcontrol pills to a different brand. Secretly- he just had her take a placebo- and voila- she was pregnant. Being a Christian, she didn't even fathom an abortion.

Today they are a very happy family with a couple of kids- she is into running and has a GREAT figure.

I have a 15 year old, a ten year old, and a five year old-- and I am STILL NOT ready to have kids. If you wait till your ready, you will never have them.

Get her knocked up. She will thank you for it someday.

 

[agyevesam]

I can't add anything new. Re-read Heather Jay's post. Everything I was thinking when I read your post, she said!!!!

God first, Wife Second, Children last....I have seen so many relationships destroyed b/c people put their children above their spouses.

God Bless you and your wife, you both are in my prayers.

 

[Athene]

My friend had a wife who was afraid to have kids-- he was a physician and had her change her birthcontrol pills to a different brand. Secretly- he just had her take a placebo- and voila- she was pregnant. Being a Christian, she didn't even fathom an abortion.

Today they are a very happy family with a couple of kids- she is into running and has a GREAT figure.

I have a 15 year old, a ten year old, and a five year old-- and I am STILL NOT ready to have kids. If you wait till your ready, you will never have them.

Get her knocked up. She will thank you for it someday.

This is bad advice.

 

[~Nikki~]

This is bad advice.

I agree...


I reckon you should pray for her and keep praying for her, but don't pressure her.

Ask God to change her heart and mind, and like someone else has said, to help her view herself as God views her, and to see that the Bible says children are blessings (not that you're *not* blessed if you don't have them...), and with your kindness and prayer, God may change her mind quicker than you think.

However I think it's important for her to be ready and not be pressured into it otherwise I think she could end up with a fair amount of resentment at a later stage.

Please be patient and keep praying...

God bless...

 

[HIM4JC]

.........
Don't bring up the baby thing for awhile..spend time building your relationship and trust in each other. Pray that God will restore her self confidence and pray that God will show you how you can support her. Also pray that she will see herself as God sees her...perfect and made in HIS image.

Ditto

I suspect that the internal mom clock will kick in eventually.

Hal <><<

 

[MoodyBlue]

My friend had a wife who was afraid to have kids-- he was a physician and had her change her birthcontrol pills to a different brand. Secretly- he just had her take a placebo- and voila- she was pregnant. Being a Christian, she didn't even fathom an abortion.

Today they are a very happy family with a couple of kids- she is into running and has a GREAT figure.

I have a 15 year old, a ten year old, and a five year old-- and I am STILL NOT ready to have kids. If you wait till your ready, you will never have them.

Get her knocked up. She will thank you for it someday.

If this is your idea of a joke, it's a really bad one.

 

[AndrewDas]

Thank you ladies and gentleman for your advice, and some insight.

I have no intention of forcing or tricking...(was that real advice?) my wife into having kids, I respect her, and love her too much to do that, but I'm just bowled over at the prospect of not having our own biological kids because she's in some competition with her sisters.
She used to be the heaviest one, and her sisters gave her so much grief, now she is thinner than they are. I guess she is enjoying it. But I never knew that her enjoyment is my detriment.
I guess the only thing to do is pray.
We are not American, we have spent most of our lives here, and we do live here, but something else that I should explain is- let's say that we all were in a room, if all of you were thinner than my wife, she would not care. If you were her sisters, she would die.

I suppose this is something I just have to wait out a while. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how devastated I am by this.

 

[Stringaling]

Ditto

I suspect that the internal mom clock will kick in eventually.

Hal <><<

That is nonsense. I have three kids and the "internal mom clock" does not exist. It is a fabrication to make people think that they are supposed to feel a certain way towards children and therefore reproduce---Not gonna happen...Especially if her value and priorities are on herself and her physical appearance..

i am sorry that you are burdened with this. I pray that she will overcome this..

 

[Rhoni10]

Thank you ladies and gentleman for your advice, and some insight.

I have no intention of forcing or tricking...(was that real advice?) my wife into having kids, I respect her, and love her too much to do that, but I'm just bowled over at the prospect of not having our own biological kids because she's in some competition with her sisters.
She used to be the heaviest one, and her sisters gave her so much grief, now she is thinner than they are. I guess she is enjoying it. But I never knew that her enjoyment is my detriment.
I guess the only thing to do is pray.
We are not American, we have spent most of our lives here, and we do live here, but something else that I should explain is- let's say that we all were in a room, if all of you were thinner than my wife, she would not care. If you were her sisters, she would die.

I suppose this is something I just have to wait out a while. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how devastated I am by this.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. That is one thing she should have mentioned before marriage how she viewed this and not by going along with having children and then suddenly letting the truth be known afterwards.

 

[HIM4JC]

That is nonsense. I have three kids and the "internal mom clock" does not exist. It is a fabrication to make people think that they are supposed to feel a certain way towards children and therefore reproduce---Not gonna happen...Especially if her value and priorities are on herself and her physical appearance..

i am sorry that you are burdened with this. I pray that she will overcome this..

Maybe your clock is broke......

Hal <><<

 

[NothingButTheBlood]

All I will add is the fact she did basically decieve you is worse than the children part. It's kind of a bummer to start a marriage off that way. Maybe along with prayer you could do some counseling just to make sure you still trust the marriage and to make sure there is nothing else she may not have expressed to you.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Wow. This sounds like you have discovered some deep psychological issues with your wife.
It's possible that this is all new to her as well. Have patience with her.

I married my wife because I love her. I didn't marry to have children.

 

[MoodyBlue]

Wow. This sounds like you have discovered some deep psychological issues with your wife.
It's possible that this is all new to her as well. Have patience with her.

I married my wife because I love her. I didn't marry to have children.

I agree with that sentiment. And, there is no guarantee that you will be able to produce children anyway, due to fertility problems (with the husband or wife, or both). What would you do then?

 

[firestar]

Well, I can understand how shocked and hurt you must be, but I think it's important that you realize that your wife's feeling about this is not really all that uncommon. And maybe you guys don't feel it as much as we women do, but being thin and having a figure IS a huge thing in our culture. The majority of the media out there is telling us that thin women are more valuable than "fat" women, and unfortunately, the majority of women suffer from a lowered self esteem due to this.

It sounds to me like your wife is suffering from a severe case of low self esteem. She finds her "value" in being the smallest (I'm assuming from your post that she hasn't always been the smallest sister?). It makes her feel better about herself to be thinner than her sisters...oh, man, if you only KNEW how guilty so many of us women are of this...increasing our self-value by internally ranking ourselves higher than others.

The unfortunate thing about this situation is that people tend to automatically equate "pregnant" with "fat'...not only your wife, but a large amount of society as well...men and women alike. I can think of two couples that I've known (off the top of my head) who got divorced because the husbands were unhappy about the fact that their wives gained weight after pregnancy. SAD!

And I recognize that you are not guilty of this. You're obviously are prepared to love your wife regardless of her weight...especially if it's due to pregnancy. God bless you for being there for your wife through that. BUT, you need to also be with her through this struggle as well. I think you need to be supportive of her, encourage her, and help her, in whatever ways you can, to overcome her self esteem issue. I think that is far more important right now that having kids immediately. It's obvious that you want kids badly, but you need to realize that pushing your wife, in her current frame of mind, is not going to be a good situation for you, for her, or for any babies that you guys might have.

Childbirth is a frightening prospect for LOTS of women. LOL, and I'll thank you to not pass off "a little fear of pain" as no big deal. Let me tell ya...take a trip over to the Parenting forum and you'll see 2 or 3 threads just on the front page about women dealing with the fear of the pain of childbirth. And as vain as it might seem to you, fear of losing your figure or not being as pretty afterward is a completely valid fear to a lot of women. Your wife isn't alone.

Lift your wife up with compliments, lift her up with sweet gestures that show your love for her, and lift her up in your prayers. Lift her up UNCONDITIONALLY...do not only lift her up because she's your vehicle for having babies. I would think that if she had the idea that your love is conditional on the fact that she has babies for you that this could be potentially damaging to her self esteem as well. Women want to be treasured and cherished...not seen as a means to an end. And babies really should be the result of the love that is already present between a man and a woman...NOT the condition on which that love rests. Maybe you don't feel this way, but by you pushing your wife toward something that she's having doubts about, she could easily be interpretting it this way.

Okay, long story short. I would lay off the baby talk for awhile. Enjoy your wife. Treat her as though she's the most precious thing in the world to you. And pray for her...pray that God would soften her heart and calm her fears, and most importantly, that God would heal her wounded self esteem.

To me, your wife's emotional health is far more important than immediately bringing kids into the equation.

Not sure if that made sense of helped at all, but there's my opinion about it anyway.

Welcome to CF, BTW.

Great GREAT post I can't rep you again, but yeah, great post!

 

[MN John]

My friend had a wife who was afraid to have kids-- he was a physician and had her change her birthcontrol pills to a different brand. Secretly- he just had her take a placebo- and voila- she was pregnant. Being a Christian, she didn't even fathom an abortion.

Today they are a very happy family with a couple of kids- she is into running and has a GREAT figure.

I have a 15 year old, a ten year old, and a five year old-- and I am STILL NOT ready to have kids. If you wait till your ready, you will never have them.

Get her knocked up. She will thank you for it someday.

Either that or she'll see it as the ultimate betrayal and you'll never see her again.

Really, the obsession with looks and thinness is a contributor to all kinds of disorders. Many of them are eating disorders, but obsessive exercising is a related disorder. This sounds like it may also be closely related. Counseling would be a very good idea. Even if it doesn't lead her to want to bear a child, it could help her accept herself and see things more objectively.