Stumbling block for hubby.

[Gwynne]

My husband is a former Christian who was badly hurt by a church, and a very, very controlling pastor. He has since refused to consider church, faith, Christ or anything. When we married I wasn't a Christian, but in the past couple of years, I've come to Christ. At first it was a slow process, but recently I've really gotten involved in church, and have been praying, a LOT.

Financially things have been tight. My husband is the only one who works, through mutual decision we've decided it is best for our son that I stay home. And it is more practical as well. The job market in my area is tight, and the jobs that I could get wouldn't pay enough to justify my working outside of the home.

It has been getting increasingly more difficult to make ends meet and we've been struggling to keep our bills paid over the past few months. Then our van broke down and things seemed bleak. Just in the past week, my grandfather has offered to pay our propane bill for this month (over $500) and my father has offered to fix our van. Now, this is normal for my grandparents, they are very generous and since they live in my backyard (in their motor home) they offered to help because they've been connected to our electric. But this is TOTALLY uncharacteristic for my father. He has NEVER done anything for me in my entire life. And we didn't ask anyone for help. They just volunteered.

I can only give God the credit for this. Answered prayers are the only explanation, especially for my father's offer!

But that's where the problem with my husband comes in. Last night he said he was perplexed by my father's behavior (as was I) and about all of the help people are suddenly offering us, even though we've never asked anyone for help. I said that God must be answering my prayers. My husband responded "Well that's just wonderful for you, because he never gave a d*** about mine."

I don't know what to do. I know that these are answered prayers, I know that God is providing, but I don't know how to respond to my husband. I have reservations about the sincerity of his previous faith, it was so easy for him to walk away.

 

[bliz]

Please asssure me that you are not involved in the same church that wounded him! It doesn't sound like it, but I just had to check.

I too have been wounded by, for lack of a better term, "clergy abuse". In so many ways, it has been the worst experience of my life - betrayal, hypocrisy, lies, manipulation, abuse of power and trust... and most of the other people in a church will stand by and watch it happen or outright tel you to your face it is our fault or that none of it really happened. All of which is to say, this kind of wounding is major and takes a very, very long time to heal. Every group of Christians he looks at, he wonders which of them is going to try to get him next time. And he wonders why God let all of this happen to him.

How ever long ago this happened, your husband is still very angry about it. Has he had an opportunity to talk it out with someone and bring forth all of his greviences, over and over again if necessary? You may be able to do it for him, or he may do well to find a counselor or therapist to whom he can safely vent. God can handle his venting and anger, and there is nothing wrong with him doing so, in fact, it's very healthy for him to do so. Besides, God knows what he is thinking and feeling anyway, so he might as well say it out loud and tell God the truth about how he feels.

Please don't doubt that he is a Christian. I of course don't know if he is or isn't, but having a time of being angry at God or doubting God is not inconsistant with being a Christian. The Bible is full of people who God used who all had times of great doubt. And being abused by a pastor is no small thing! For many people such events are a major attack on faith!

Keep praying... do not be upset by your husband's outburst. He is watching everything tht is going on...

 

[Gwynne]

No, I'm not going to the same church that hurt him, in fact I've never been there. It was a non-denominational church, one where the pastor founded the church and controls every little detail about running the church.

I know he's not a Christian, not because of my own doubts, but because he has told me so. He turned away from God because of what that church did to him.

Things seemed to be going so well. He wasn't going to church with me, but he was more receptive to conversations about the Bible studies that I'm leading at church. However, he seems to think that God likes me more than God liked him.

I guess I'll just have to keep praying!

 

[pete56]

Gwynne

I know it all seems as if your hubby is rejecting God right now, and by the sounds of it he has good reason! But the very fact that he is willing to accept that your prayers were more effective than his suggests that he is not totally rejecting God.

His faith may not be leading him back to a church, and that may never happen, but it sure sounds to me like his anger is leading him to acknowledge that God is alive and working in your (and his) life.

Just keep doing what your doing sister, and yes Pray!!

Bless you

Pete

 

[WashedClean]

Hi Gwynne,

I don't have a lot of time to respond right now, but I wanted to just share a couple thoughts with you.

Definitely keep praying. It's very powerful, as you can see! You might want to get a hold of The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. I know you said $$ is tight right now. I think it's only about $7-$8. Maybe someone at church can lend you a copy? It's excellent!

Regarding your husband's faith, please remind him (gently, of course) that all those people who betrayed him were not Christ Himself. Jesus will never leave us or forsake us. He needs to separate the church people from Jesus. It's really sad that he thinks God cares more for you than him. Of course we know that isn't true. Just keep praying for him and for God to soften his heart. Pray also for the Holy Spirit to pierce his heart.

God bless you!

WashedClean

 

[Johnnz]

Your husband is just one of a multitude with such a problem. The control thing in the church is so unbiblical, yet so widely practiced. There ar ejust so many hurt and disillusioned Christians within our midst these days. Extremely sad.

There are books around on this that may help, if your husband will read one of course! It is important for him to begin to see that God does not equal church.

There are good churches around, and often smaller groups who meet without the baggage of an 'official' church, but they are often hard to find.

John
NZ

 

[gracefulmouse]

Hi-

I can empathize. My husband was raised in a very controlling denomination, sent to separate schools run by it, and his whole family/extended family is part of it. It's this comparatively small ethnic denomination that has a very legalistic notion of Christ and Christianity. They aren't at all evangelical or into embracing outsiders. (they aren't too thrilled about me, but that's a whole other story)

Point is, he turned away from it at about 18, though he still has many friends who are reluctantly part of it. He rejects Christianity because he believes that unless you buy into their denomination, you aren't really Christian- and that since he doesn't believe in their rules/ways, he isn't a Christian. It's this double-bind- he says that in order to be a Christian you have to be like them, but that he can't be like them because he doesn't believe their rules so he can't be a Christian.

When I was dating him I wasn't a Christian and it wasn't really a factor for me- I thought it was too bad he'd been raised that way, and just thought I could give him a relationship where it wasn't an issue ... I started growing in Christ when we were engaged, could see problems coming and considered breaking the engagement but didn't... now we are married and I am a Christian (not the type of church he was raised in). He isn't interested in exploring Christianity.

Sister, I know how frustrating it is when they've had a bad experience with Christianity and say they won't consider it. It's not like they've never been churched and it's a new thing for them- instead they actually have it set in their mind that they've seen what it's about and they want no part in it. Even though what they experienced was human fallenness, not the fellowship of loving Christian believers.

Be strong and know that there are others of us out there with very similar frustrations. Isn't it interesting how God chooses to reveal himself to us after we are married to them? There has to be a purpose in that and perhaps we can take hope in that.

I'm not on the boards too frequently so if you send me a personal message it might take a while for me to get back to you, but please do so if I can be of any support in this.

 

[E_Powers]

Gwynn be not afraid and keep faith for the lord shall soften his heart before it is too late. and he loves you and all of his children so dearly.

and the reason you need to keep faith is god is using you to reach him.