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Stumbling Block / Adultery

LifeInYou

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Love can be a feeling, but it is much more than a feeling as well. It is doing the right thing, the best thing, for the person of your affection even when you don't *feel* like doing it. If your love for one another is secure, if you both feel sure in it, then let him go (for now). Allow him to make things right with God, to handle his business in the proper way (divorce?) and to find peace with himself about the whole situation. That peace won't come about until he makes things right with his Father in Heaven. The same is true for you. Is God your first love? If so, then make Him your first priority, even if it means hurting for awhile by being distant intimately from your partner.

:pray:
 
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E-beth

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Wow...what a difficult situation.

I understand how you feel God brought you two together. Maybe He did--but I guarantee you it wasn't for an adulterous relationship. Perhaps His intent was for you to meet his wife, who could have counselled you into a relationship with Christ. We just can't put God in a box...His ways are too mysterious. But one thing you can be sure about...God did not bring your lives together so you could be involved in a sexual relationship.

At any rate...you want to know if love is wrong. Let me tell you, love doesn't make both people miserable and depressed and without any peace. When I lay next to my husband at night, I rest in the knowledge that I am his and he is mine and we are under God's hand. That is a wonderful feeling.

But I have also been a Christian out of the will of God. It seemed at that time, when I was not repentant and wondered why God would want me to be unhappy and following Him and not lonely an sad and living in His will, nothing went right. I got mad at God for not giving me what I thought would make me happy. I hated the guilt, nothing gave me joy, and I felt like a spoiled brat. I didn't realize at the time that all my bad feelings and guilt were God reminding me that I was disappointing Him and needed to get back on track. Once I gave up the things I thought I couldn't live without and made God the center of my life, it was like the clouds rolled away. He eventually led me out of my despair and showed me that obedience leads to blessings galore!

You aren't responsible for your partner's walk with God. Only yours. But if you love him, you will see that his life is not working for him anymore. He doesn't want to go to church, he is depressed, he is guilty. Whether or not he goes back to his wife, he can't be with you and be happy with God's blessing.

I know that God will bless all of you once you and your partner take a stand to be people of God, and work on repairing what has been broken. All the pain and sadness the breakup would cause is a reminder of how disobeying God does not lead to a nice feeling.

I am praying for you, sister. You more than likely will have some suffering ahead, as you switch your life from your grasp back into God's. But He is faithful to help you every step of the way. He wouldn't ask you to give up a man you love without holding you to His bosom after.
 
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Sketcher

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It's good that you're concerned about this. He should reconcile with his wife, but that isn't your decision to make. You don't have to continue to live with him regardless of his descision.

I've read testimonies where God was powerfully close to people who have been divorced. Better than any man or woman. Please give God a chance in this situation. Nothing is impossible with Him (Luke 1:37), and you can live a happy life with Him fulfilling you without this man.
 
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E-beth

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twistedsketch said:
I've read testimonies where God was powerfully close to people who have been divorced. Better than any man or woman. Please give God a chance in this situation. Nothing is impossible with Him (Luke 1:37), and you can live a happy life with Him fulfilling you without this man.
I am one of those people. My ex was a cheater and my crumbling marriage left me almost sociopathic. Then I learned to depend on God, and He healed me and loved me and showed me that I can survive anything with Him. Then He showed me a great guy who is a blessing I didn't know I wanted! :)
 
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msjones21

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Okay, I'm going to try and be as nice as possible. I'm not sure what kind of insight you're looking for but it appears you only want people to respond with love and support. You can't expect people to understand and support your decision to be an outlet for a married man's adulterous inclinations. Apparently this man is not legally divorced nor is he divorced in the eyes of God. He doesn't even have a good reason to leave his wife other than he's bored with her and wants to stray. Trust me, you're investing way too much emotion in this relationship and most likely he'll either end up going back to his wife or he'll leave you for the next "conquest". How can you sleep at night next to this man knowing that he has a wife who probably daily prays for reconciliation? How can you live with yourself knowing you're the mistress and yet the wife still forgives you for it? You need to sever ties with this man and at least give him the opportunity to reconcile with his wife. If you do that and he chooses not to then at least your hands are clean. Let him go and then make your peace with the Lord. God's hand is not in the relationship. God will not honor and adulterous, sinful relationship. The only true repentance can occur when you eliminate the sin.
 
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jenptcfan

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I haven't read all the posts (just the first one), but here are my thoughts.

The bible says "Thou shalt not commit adultery" (as you know). God doesn't change His mind. It was wrong then, it's wrong now. It was never God's will for you to be in an adulterous relationship b/c God says adultery is a sin and God HATES sin.

However, God can take certain ugly situations and bring good out of them (such as you coming to the Lord as a result of his wife giving you a bible, etc.). Satan tries to get us to buy into the lie that "well maybe this is ok because it feels right, and look at this good stuff that's come out of it." The thing is, nothing good HAD to come out of it...it's just that God has so much mercy on us that he won't let Satan have the final victory...he uses situations for his Glory even when Satan gains a foothold and thinks he's won (praise God!).
 
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charligirl

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I'm not entirely sure what you want to hear from us? You know in your heart what you have to do, you will find support here once you have done it and you will come into a freedom and liberty in God's love (once the grieving is over) that you have never experienced.

At the moment you are living quite literally in sin, it's worse than before because now you know the truth of what you are doing and you have invited Almighty God to dwell in you, but are constantly insulting him and degrading His temple by your actions.

I actually think Satan can and does contrive situations where someone could get saved... he wants to cause as much destruction as possible, he weighs it up. Consider this- you got saved, so for him that is one soul over to God... but in the process you have wrecked a marriage, damaged a child's life (who could grow up to have relationship problems too and getting into sin as a result) and at the moment both of you are deep in sin that you appear unrepentant of. So weigh it up, I'm sure he's happy to loose one if all that sin and damage has abounded because of it.

I don't want to offend you but you have asked what we think about this and I want to mentin something that noone else has. Your pastor would be within his rights to actually put you out of the church if you continue with this man. 1 Cor 5 is very clear about christians who deliberately continue to commit sexual sin without trying to stop, even when they know the truth,

When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. 10But I wasn't talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or who are greedy or are swindlers or idol worshipers. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. 11What I meant was that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a Christian[8] yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or a drunkard, or a swindler. Don't even eat with such people.
12It isn't my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your job to judge those inside the church who are sinning in these ways. 13God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, "You must remove the evil person from among you."[9]

He also talks about handing such people over to the devil so that they are killed but at least their spirit is saved.

Please hear me correctly, this is not a rebuke and I am not saying that you are in this place, or that you are not willing to change (you posted on here after all) but I wanted to point out where you could be if you continue on this road and end up justifying the relationship and staying together. It is a very serious situation, which you already know, and as I said before, I think you also know in yuour heart what needs to be done... as soon as you make that choice God will bless and grace you to get through it, and the rewards will be wonderful, because god blesses those who walk in obedience to Him. I will pray for God's will to be done :)
 
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alio

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...with some quotes from Miles J Stanford's Principles of Spiritual Growth, recommended on this forum in a different thread under the title Green Letters. I downloaded and printed off this book and have found great comfort in it. I highly recommend it to everyone.

I wonder if we have a tendency to try to live our Christianity as we tend to live our lives these days - in the fast lane. This book was written in the 1950s and has a very comfortable slow pace to it, full of spiritual wisdom, in my humble opinion. Faith needs stillness to take root.

"Norman Douty writes: 'If I am to be like Him, then God in His grace must do it, and the sooner I come to recognise it the sooner I will be delivered from another form of bondage. Throw down every endeavour and say, I cannot do it, the more I try the farther I get from His likeness. What shall I do? Ah, the Holy Spirit says, You cannot do it; just withdraw; come out of it. You have been in the arena, you have been endeavouring, you are a failure, come out and sit down, and as you sit there behold Him, look at Him. Don't try to be like Him, just look at Him. Just be occupied with Him. Forget about trying to be like Him. Instead of letting that fill your mind and heart, let Him fill it. Just behold Him, look upon Him through the Word.'"

"Yes, there is going to be deep, thorough and long preparation if there is to be reality - if our life is to be Christ-centred, our walk controlled by the Holy Spirit and our service glorifying to God. Sooner or later the Holy Spirit begins to make us aware of our basic problem as believers - the infinite difference between self and Christ."

"The value of both the struggle to free ourselves from the old Adam-life and the equally fruitless efforts to experience the new Adam-life, the Christ-life, is to finally realise that it is utterly futile. Our personal, heart-breaking failure in ever phase of our Christian life is our Father's preparation for His success on our behalf."

"Charles Trumbull said, 'The effortless life is not the will-less life. We use our will to believe, to receive, but not to exert effort in trying to accomplish what only God can do. Our hope for victory over sin in not "Christ plus my efforts," but "Christ plus my receiving." To receive victory from Him is to believe His Word that solely by His grace He is, this moment, freeing us from the dominion of sin. And to believe on Him in this way is to recognise that He is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.'"

"'When you fight to get victory, then you have lost the battle at the very outset. Suppose the Enemy assaults you in your home or in your business. He creates a situation with which you cannot possibly deal. What do you do? Your first instinct is to prepare yourself for a big battle and then pray to God to give you the victory in it. But if you do so defeat is sure, for you have given up the ground that is yours in Christ. By the attitude you have taken you have relinquished it to the Enemy. What then should you do when he attacks? You should simply look up and praise the Lord. "Lord, I am faced with a situation that I cannot possibly meet. Thine enemy the Devil has brought it about to compass my downfall, but I praise Thee that Thy victory is an all-inclusive victory. It covers this situation, too. I praise Thee that I have already full victory in this matter."' (Watchman Nee)."

"Many, especially those who are young in the Lord, have been victimised time and time again in this matter of surrender, or commitment. The bludgeon most commonly used is: 'The Lord Jesus gave His all for you, now the least you can do is give your all for Him!' The believer is exhorted and pressured to consecrate, surrender, commit his life to Christ on the basis of his love and gratitude for what has been done on his behalf at Calvary... Why is it that after awhile the believer comes to dread such meetings and messages?... Our consecration, surrender or commitment will never hold up if it is our responding to Him from any other motivation than the response of His life in us. Yielding to Him on any different basis will simply amount to our trying to live for Him in the self-life. And even if that were possible, He could never accept it, since in that realm there dwells no good thing (Rom 7:18)."

"The believer who is going through struggle and failure is the Christian who is being carefully and lovingly handled by his Lord in a very personal way."

"It was on the cross of Calvary that God, in Christ, dealt fully and finally with self, the nature from which all our sins flow... The reason there is no other way for self to be denied is that God has done the work in this way: our identification with Christ Jesus in His death and resurrection! It is done; now it is ours to believe."

"As we learn to stand on the finished work of Calvary, the Holy Spirit will begin to faithfully and effectively apply that finished work of the cross to the self-life, thereby holding it in the place of death - inactive - resulting in the 'not I, but Christ' life (Gal 2:20)."

In a nutshell, to use a very modern phrase, "Let go and let God!" I pray that God's will be done in all our lives.
 
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DaveKerwin

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alio said:
I'm very interested to hear other Christians' viewpoints on this. It's a complex situation and yet could appear very simple - that we must separate. Is the depth of our love for one another - which developed VERY early in our relationship and which we believe (and hope!) is from God - enough of a reason to keep us together? Especially when divorce in my partner's situation and us marrying are both unbiblical.

All viewpoints gratefully received. :)
You asked for it:

God did not bring you together.
God does not bless that affair.
God wants you to end the relationship.
Again, God did NOT bring you together.
You need to move on.
 
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tigersnare

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alio said:
In a nutshell, to use a very modern phrase, "Let go and let God!" I pray that God's will be done in all our lives.

*Disclaimer:I'm 21 and I don't know jack.*

God did not bring you together, sin is sin, It breaks one of the 10 commandments, there isn't even a loophole for this one. I think you, like me, are trying to justify and spiritulize your sin.

It's a nice ride until you run out of track and end up face first in front of God with all the damagae you've done starring you back in the face.

*Disclaimer2:I'm a new Christian and I don't know jack.*
 
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Cright

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Alio,

wow.. you are in a tough situation. Seeking Christian council is a mature thing to do especially when you know that at least some if not most of the advise is not going to be what you want to hear. The advise you have found here so far, IMO, is sound.

The right road, as we can so easily see, but don't want to... is not always the easiest one. I think you have several issues (if you don't mind me calling them that) that you have on your hands.

First being pre-marital sex. Weather or not you end the relationship with your "partner" you should stop having sex. Yes... I know that is easier said than done. No matter who the partner is.. this should give you a sence of peace. You will be able to think more with your rational brain than your emotional one.

Secondly, you are living, I presume, with a married man. This is something that creates un-needed temptation, especially since you love him. I would suggest him finding other arrangements (assuming this is your place, or vise versa). Even if you both chose to continue a relationship this will bring you both into clearer thoughs, give you time to focus on the lord before each other. Will help w/ guilt too.

After you've made those two (very hard) steps you will have made the choice to be living a more christian lifestyle.

Realise.. that sex in marriage isn't just to prevent children and STD's, and it's not just to please the Lord (although that's a good enough reason in itself). It's so that one day when you are with your husband you will have a clear mind about your past and can be with him totally mind-body-soul and be totally focused on him and the Lord. So your not just doing this for God, or yourself, but also for your future husband (whoever that might be).

I'll be praying for the stregnth of all three of you in this messy triangle!

C
 
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